Going Green - When It Doesn't Leave A Mark You Can See

I finally got out of 2008, opting for a post I wrote in October of 2009. By this time, it was pretty clear that there was nothing I could do to save my marriage, and that I should really focus on saving myself and my son.

Although at the time this post was written, I was still with my husband, the situation would continue to escalate, and 2 months later my son and I would be moving into an apartment of our own.

It's been 3-1/2 years since I made that move. Husband and I attempted to reconcile at one point, however I knew there was no way I could ever go back to living the way I did when I was with him.

We've been separated since I moved out, but remain married (in the eyes of the law). That decision is one that stemmed from financial need - a house in both of our names - insurance coverage. We have both agreed to move on with our lives and will complete the divorce process in 2014.

I am also happy to say that I am in a new relationship now. One that is filled with what good relationships need to grow. Mike has been, and continues to be, patient with the scars that were left from being with husband as long as I was. I couldn't ask for more!

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Yesterday, Veronica over at Another Suburban Mom posted a reminder that in addition to October being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I've been with husband for six years now, married for three and a half years. He was married when we got together. It wasn't until we had been living together for 6 months that his ex-wife filed for divorce. 18 months later, their divorce was final.

Husband wasn't always on his best behavior when we dated. There were warning signs. The battering, the abuse, started long before we said "I do" ... and I ignored it. I am not a bad person. I have a lot of good qualities. Yet I'm always thinking "If I could only be a better wife," "If only I were more attractive," "If only I could fulfill his sexual desires" ... if only ... if only ...

Yesterday, as I was reading Veronica's post and clicking on some of the resources, I came across the Domestic Violence Wheel. It's funny, I actually used this very graphic in one of my posts, but didn't really consider its validity in my own relationship. Of the eight pieces of this wheel, I am currently living each and every one of them to varying degrees.

USING INTIMIDATION: Yelling - and I mean at the top of his lungs yelling - is husband's preferred method of intimidation, but he has also used throwing things, punching walls, faking a punch, etc. He intentionally interferes with my sleep, making sure I am awake any time and every time he is.

USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: I am often told how I waste my life, how I'm not living up to husband's expectations thus making him work harder. I don't keep the house clean enough. The laundry isn't done quickly enough. I didn't get his clothes to the cleaners soon enough. I don't make enough money. I need to do everything around the house to make up for my lack of financial contribution. Nothing I do is ever enough. I can always do better.

Husband often withholds "love", affection and recognition as punishment when I've done something unacceptable or something that makes him mad. There are many days (sometimes strung together into a week) when he never speaks to me, refusing to acknowledge my presence in the home.

USING ISOLATION: Husband has insisted I not talk about our relationship to anyone in our families or in the community. He distances himself from our families and "demands" the same of Cam and I, mocking and belittling us when we are so weak we must rely on family. He offered to pay the airfare for Cam and I to visit Washington this summer, then changed his mind at the last minute, making it almost impossible for us to get there.

MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: This is one of the bigger ones. It is always my actions that cause husband to act the way he does. All couples fight, but I push him and make him say things he doesn't mean. His favorite? This isn't an abusive relationship, I'm just over-sensitive due to the dysfunction of my own family growing up.

USING CHILDREN: This was the one piece of the wheel I thought I was exempt from because husband has no claims to Cam, but the truth is he often tells me how I screwed up Cam's life, how my own selfishness in becoming a single parent has destroyed any potential Cam might have, how I've ruined Cam. Attacking my parenting is a common theme.

USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Husband makes all of the major decisions without any input. If he does tell me and I disagree with his plan, my input is dismissed without consideration, usually to the tune of an eye roll. He often makes decisions that impact the family, the safety and security of the household, without allowing any input from me.

USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: This is another big one in our home. Husband puts the mortgage payment into the joint account - the account I "control" I am responsible for providing EVERYTHING else for the household and for Cam, on a salary 1/4 of his. Husband has at his disposal, $2,500 in discretionary spending each month. I have $400. In addition to scrutinizing grocery receipts, he also double checks deposits to the joint account to insure I'm not "stealing" from him. I must ask for money and justify the need should we run short in any month. He then decides if I (or Cam) am worthy.

USING COERCION & THREATS: Any time there is a disagreement, husband tells me he is going to leave and take all of his money with him, leaving me in a house that will be foreclosed on. He threatens to take Cam and me off the health insurance. Tells me to call the police because they'll never see a mark on me and will know I'm lying to them.

When I look at all of these things, I cannot deny that I am in an abusive relationship, nor can I shake the notion that this is somehow my fault. Logically, I cannot explain why I am still in this marriage, yet emotionally I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I can't tell you why I stay (although this guide offers some insight), just as I can't tell you why husband continues to batter and abuse.

I'd love to end this post by telling you all that I am leaving, that I have a plan, but all that I can tell you is that I am closer to leaving now than I ever have been before. I have reached out for help - in more than one direction - but the response has been one of "just do this next", and I've been unable to tackle that next step. All that I can manage right now is to ask for support. Chasing it down? Having to call one more person? Tell my story one more time? It's overwhelming.

I feel crazy. Embarrassed. Humiliated. What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away? How can it be battering? Abuse? If there isn't a black eye? Bruises on my arms? Broken bones? How can it be domestic violence when it doesn't leave a mark you can see?

Going Green - The End of an Era

*PREFACE* I started blogging in September 2007, when blogging was more about sharing original content and being part of a community, than it was about SEO optimization and page hits. Twitter was in its infancy and tumblr had yet to be launched. I started writing because I was in an unhappy marriage and had no "safe" place for my thoughts. I needed somewhere to to gain perspective - to try to find direction in a life that had gone beyond off track.

This post was written in January of 2008, after my husband told me the reason we weren't having sex (and hadn't had sex for over 4 months) was because he was afraid I would get pregnant. I felt "pressured" to have a tubal ligation - that somehow this surgery would "fix" something very wrong in our marriage - and that not having the surgery would have been very selfish on my part.

So much has changed since then, yet looking back, it's pretty clear that ... well ...? It's pretty clear that everything was pretty clear, I just didn't want to open my eyes to look at it.

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Tomorrow is the day that I voluntarily end my childbearing years. I do this with mixed emotions.

On one hand, the thought of sex without concern for an "OOPS" baby (if I conceived today, I'd be 44 years old with a newborn - can't think of anything much more terrifying) is almost orgasmic. On the other hand, it's kind of sad to finally make the decision that I'm just too damn old to be birthing any more babies.

My "baby" will be TWELVE in a little over a month. Six more years and he'll graduate from high school. Ninety days after that he'll either be heading off to college, or getting a job and moving out. Those have been the rules since day one and all three kids (one of whom is already in college) have heard it at least weekly all of their lives. Six years and I can sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the NASCAR circuit *gigglesnort*! Now why would I even consider another eighteen year obligation?

The truth is, I wouldn't ... or at least I think I wouldn't ... but knowing that I wouldn't, and knowing that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, are completely different. Right now, I have a choice, but after surgery tomorrow, that choice will forever be gone.

There is also this idea rumbling through my head that, because I will no longer be able to have children, I am somehow less of a woman. Will this be the solution to the sexual problems in our marriage, or will it bring on an entirely different set of issues? I don't know. I wish I did.

While I contemplate lost choices and declining femininity, would anyone like to toast my fallopian tubes before they are severed??? I have until midnight to partake in the fine, distilled spirits!

After the Secret

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It's true, after 8 months of dating Mike, husband 'found out' - 'found out' being in quotes because I really wasn't trying to hide it.

You might remember that I live in a small town (population 5,000 +/-). Mike and I have gone to Cam's band concerts together, to the market in town together, to the laundromat together. I haven't hidden Mike.

I may however, have lied through omission.

A few weeks ago husband asked me if I had hooked up with an old co-worker of his (he had played poker with this old co-worker and thought he was acting 'aggressive'). I told husband that I hadn't - that his old co-worker had propositioned me after husband and I first split, but I declined - that I would never date someone husband knew/worked with - that I had better taste than that.

All of that is true, but it would have been a good time to say, "No, I'm not dating your old co-worker, but I am dating someone else."

I didn't.

Imagine husband's surprise when, at a wedding budgeting dinner with his ex-wife and his soon-to-be in-laws (my step-son is getting married in September 2013), his ex-wife asked, "Should I make Dana and Cam's invitation a +1?"

When she got a confused look from husband she clarified, "I just thought maybe Dana would want to bring her boyfriend."

How did she know?

Like I said, I haven't been hiding Mike.

I may, however, have been a bit passive-aggressive.

Back in May, Cam visited Delaney (his step-sister). This was before Cam got his license, so I dropped him off and Mike (who was going to be in the area) picked him up.

My guess is that husband's ex-wife asked Delaney about Mike.

I'd also be willing to bet that husband's ex-wife intentionally spilled the beans in front of their future in-laws to make husband look ignorant. 

She's a master emasculator (is too a word ... in the URBAN Dictionary). 

It worked. He looked foolish. He wasn't happy about that (understandably).

In the past 6 months, husband and I have had conversations surrounding divorce - primarily that we are both aware that it is inevitable, and that it will happen as soon as Cam graduates (husband has agreed to keep us on his health/dental insurance until then).

I don't ask husband what he does in his free time.

I don't know if he has dated/hooked up with anyone since I moved out.

I don't care.

I assumed he didn't care either.

I was wrong.

What say you internet? Should I have been upfront about dating 2 years after being separated? Or was it really none of husband's business?

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When Bloggers Get Overwhelmed

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I've got a bazillion three or four things I'd really like to blog about, but just can't seem to focus on any one of them long enough to actually finish a damn post. I'm convinced there is a happy medium between writer's block and the overwhelmed writer, but I've yet to find that happy place.

So today, you get one of those, "That seems a bit disconnected" posts ...

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Remember my baby birdies and their aggressive mommy? I braved this ...


To get y'all this update ...

It appears only two of the three eggs actually hatched. The babies were kind of funny - as I raised the camera above their nest they'd open their mouths looking for food. I'm not sure how long these guys will be hanging out in the nest, but I'm hoping they become cat food mobile soon, I'm getting a bit tired of being dive-bombed each time I walk out the front door.

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Yesterday's secret? Yes, I really did. There was a significant blow-up over money after my passive-aggressive, let's see what his priorities are, actions while we were in San Antonio. What I've thought - what I've felt - and what he has denied - was verified. It really is all about the money.

This is not a let's flame the husband post. Husband measures his value to the family based on his economic contribution, it only makes sense that he would measure my value to the family using the same measuring stick. I measure my value to the family based on my caretaking contribution, and I measure his value to the family using the same measuring stick. Clearly, neither of us is "measuring up."

Our priorities - our core life/family values - are very different, and I'm afraid neither of us is willing to reset our priorities to match those of the other. We can't seem to come to a place where we can support each others priorities without feeling ours are being diminished and ignored. We are both miserable on many levels.

The bottom line? I love my husband. I want him to be happy - to reach his financial and professional goals - to have the support and admiration for those things that are important to him. I want the same for myself, and neither of us is getting what we need. It's time to let go of what we thought would be - fighting about the things that neither of us are willing to change - and move forward into the fulfilling lives we both deserve.

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TMI Tuesday #177

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I'm indulging myself in frivolous mind candy today and participating in TMI Tuesday. It's rainy here and my brain feels a bit rusted.

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

I am pro-healthy relationships and pro-realistic decision to marry.

I don't believe that marriage it is the only way to secure a committed, long-term relationship, and I don't believe that a committed, long-term relationship is the best place for everyone. I've also known far to many people who have gotten married (me included) who had absolutely no realistic expectation of what marriage would be, nor did they have the commitment to stick with it when the going got tough. Marriage isn't immediate gratification, nor is it the "prize", but rather it is the beginning of many, many years of hard - sometimes overwhelming - work.

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

Let's see ... people have been having sex for thousands of years and I think I've come up with something new? I don't think so, although I've certainly given it my best shot at times.

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

I like a busy schedule most days, but like my time to relax too.

Ohhhh ... You were asking about being tied up during sex? Honestly, I don't know! No one has ever gone there with me!

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

For the sake of clarification, I'll assume "online cybering" means engaging in sexual discussions, performing sexual acts via webcam, etc. for someone other than one's spouse/significant other.

I'm going to play with semantics here. My personal definition of adultery is extramarital, physical sex. Physically, cybering isn't adultery, the real question is, is it emotional adultery?

I would say that emotional adultery is what we commonly call infidelity, or the violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of the primary, committed relationship (physical or emotional). I think "online cybering" falls into that latter category.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

You're kidding, right?

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

I want sex more times per day, more times per week, more times per month, more times per year, more times per decade ... are you noticing a pattern here?

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

Husband is an extremely outgoing person - friendly with everyone. He's not inappropriate with his attention to other women so I feel no threat at all.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

GAHHH ... no! I might be flirty on this blog on occasion, and in my comments, but in real life? I don't have the self-confidence to pull off flirty.

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Sunday Secret

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I was finally able to be honest with my parents and told them my marriage was likely coming to an end. At 44, you'd think I should be way beyond needing their approval, yet their support was surprisingly comforting and freeing.

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Redeeming Qualities

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Yesterday in the comments, Jenni asked, "I've yet to hear your husband's redeeming quality. Does he have one? What is it? If he doesn't, then why are you staying? For whose benefit?"

Before I answer this - and I will answer it - let me say a couple of things. First, I use this blog for many things - to inspire, to reflect and to vent. I've vented about public schools, identity theft and illegal immigration. I continue to live in this country, and yet no one asks what redeeming qualities the United States has.

Second, I have no doubt many of you will consider my list as superficial, but that is likely because you have either already made up your mind about what kind of person I am, or you are not being honest with why you stay in your own relationship.

Financial Security - Let me just throw this out there and get it over with. Husband is an excellent financial provider for our family. This isn't necessarily his most redeeming quality, but it is the one that no one wants to admit to, yet we all know is important.

Work Ethic - when it comes to his profession, husband has an amazing work ethic. He strives daily to better himself in his profession and has a great deal of pride in his professional accomplishments.

Friendship - Husband and I have known each other for 18+ years. He knows my past and I know his. There are no surprises.

He's Not Cheap - I am one of those people that will skimp on quality to get a better price, even when I have the money to purchase the quality item. Husband, when he purchases something for me or for the house, buys only the best quality. He feels I (and the home) am worth it.

So what's missing from this list? I'm sure many of you will ask, "Where is the love?" Understand that I feel love comes in many shapes and sizes. In no way is it a one-size-fits-all emotion. I do love husband, but I also am quite aware that love is not enough. It's not enough to sustain a relationship long-term - not on its own.

These first years have been difficult - nearing impossible at times. Most of our challenges have been those surrounding his temper and my lack of consistent discipline of Cam. We continue to work on coming to a compromise in those areas, and as long as we continue to work on the relationship, there is hope.

I don't know where we'll be in 5 years, or even in 5 months for that matter. As is true in all relationships, there is good and there is bad. Yes, there have been times when the bad outweighed the good. Those have been defining moments for both of us. He is not a perfect husband, and I am not a perfect wife, but neither of us are perfect individuals either.

Not too long ago I was fence sitting. I decided it was time to make a move and the move I made was one final (?) attempt at making things work.

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I Think I've Said Enough

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I learned something yesterday - what it feels like to read less than flattering things about yourself in another's blog. In this case, there was no malice intended - in fact, knowing my dear friend as well as I do, I have no doubt that he felt not saying what he said would be far more detrimental than saying it.

It wasn't just his post, but some of the comments, that really stung. I know there are many of you out there who would just like to grab me by my cyber shoulders and shake some sense into me. What's odd is that you (said collectively) have, and yet you don't see the change. I'll admit - it's slow - painfully slow at times - but there has been progress.

Clearly, I am getting something out of this relationship or I wouldn't still be in it. Maybe I do revel in the victim mode - maybe I am so manipulative that I sit on the fence only to garner all of your sympathy and attention - or maybe I'm just human, making mistakes along the way, mustering up enough honesty and integrity to lay out all of the ugliness and imperfections in this very public forum. As I re-read my words (and your comments), as I gain self-worth and perspective, as I take chances and move forward - progress is made.

I'm not going to attempt to justify any of my actions or inactions. There are no justifications, only excuses.

I've turned off comments for this post. I think I've said enough.

EDIT: I turned off comments because I felt that responding to them would come across as trying to justify my position. I just don't want to do that - not now - not again - not ever.

I'll return to regularly scheduled programing tomorrow - it will be, after all, TMI Tuesday!

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Friday Wrap-Up

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First, an apology. I haven't forgotten Lu and Ms. Lily, my drawing winners (and you too Knight), but as you all know, life has been a bit ... well ... off this past week. I'm only working until noon today and plan to get everything wrapped up and ready this afternoon - and hopefully in the mail on Saturday.

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The silent treatment has continued with one exception. Thursday morning, as husband was getting ready to leave, I asked if we were ever going to speak again and was told, "Some day." Then, as he was walking out the door I said (in a sincere tone of voice), "Have a good day" which got "You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, and unappreciative person - I get no credit for everything I do here." I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights!

I think (don't know because he's not talking) that he measures VALUE to the household and the marriage in $$ only. He brings in about 70% of the income to the household and it appears that qualifies as "everything" he does. Sure, we wouldn't be in the house we are in if it weren't for his income, but I wouldn't be cleaning said 3200 square foot house either! It's pretty clear that I need to "earn" my value by doing everything else because my $$ contribution is less. I've always thought this was the case and now I'm fairly certain of it.

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Thursday night is family/marriage counseling night. When it was time to leave the house to go to the appointment, husband was no where to be found, so Cam and I headed out. I half expected husband to show up there. He's been known to have an agenda for counseling, presenting it as a sneak attack. Not so last night. He was a no-show, which was somewhat of a relief, as well as an eye-opener.

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The goal this weekend is to spend some family time with Cam. Looks like a trip to the local apple orchard on Saturday and church *gasp* on Sunday. Not sure about this whole church thing, but must admit that what I've been doing hasn't been working. It's time to shake things up a bit and see what the mess looks like. If nothing else, it's an opportunity for both Cam and I to interact with people - respectful and welcoming people - what a concept.

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Wednesday Bits

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I want to thank all of you for your supportive comments yesterday. I know that I didn't address each of you individually, but my energy level is a bit low. In fact, I think I now know what it's like to be a snow cone with all of the flavor sucked out of it!

My home life last night was pretty much as I expected. I was ignored. The dinner I cooked was shunned in favor of a self-made peanut butter sandwich. As I was cleaning the kitchen and helping Cam with his homework, the volume on the TV was turned up to obscure my irritating behavior. Not a word was spoken. I slept in "our" bed but did not set the alarm, nor did I wake him up this morning.

*UPDATE* I attempted a congenial conversation as husband was leaving this morning and received the hand and a "I have nothing remotely nice to say to you" as he walked out the door. I didn't do anything to escalate the situation and simply watched him walk out. It's pretty clear this must be about more than the alarm clock, but as he is not speaking, I have no idea what other infractions I may have committed, but I am certain they are many.

This isn't typical of how I usually handle these situations, and I think that is a step in the right direction - a small step, but a step none-the-less.

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Remember when I told you I requested an agenda for the "special" conference next week? This was the response I received:

Mrs. Dana:

Cam is having some difficulties with organization, work completion, and staying focused on task. We are hoping that by having the longer conference period, we can develop an intervention plan to assist Cam with some of these concerns. The results of the independent educational evaluation should be very helpful in developing a plan. Thanks.

When I requested the agenda, I informed the author of the email that Cam had an independent educational evaluation done over the summer. My guess is he won't feel it is quite so helpful when he has an opportunity to review it and finds that the evaluator believes this is an issue with the learning environment rather than a problem with Cam.

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A really cool thing happened in the blogshpere yesterday. It was a marriage proposal! It looks like I'm going to have to share my blog crush "officially" now. If you haven't already done so, you really should read the PROPOSAL POST (don't forget to read the comments where she FINALLY accepted), then stop by and congratulate Matt-Man and Schmoop!

As difficult a day as yesterday was, this warmed my heart and renewed my faith in love.

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Really, What Should a Marriage Be?

I was out and about yesterday, reading many of the TMI Tuesday responses to the questions submitted by Babushka and Kahuna, and there were two things that caught my attention that I thought were worthy of further discussion: should children factor in to deciding if you remain in a "bad" marriage, and should your life partner meet every one of your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs?

Let's tackle the consideration of children first, shall we? Understand that my perspective is based on the 20 year marriage of my parents. One was an alcoholic, and the other extremely co-dependent. They married young (18 and 20) and had only one child (me) 4 years into their marriage.

I have very few good memories of my parents' marriage. In fact, one of my earliest memories (I was ... maybe 5?) involved being woken up in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming and doors slamming. Moments after all of the noise stopped, my mother was in my room scooping me out of my bed and carrying me through a "destroyed" house - glass on the floor, furniture upside down and broken - you get the picture. She took me to the home of one of her friends - people I knew of, but didn't really know. She was with me when I went to sleep on the sofa, but was gone when I woke up in the morning. I remember being scared, but also having the privilege of eating Lucky Charms, on a metallic TV tray, while watching cartoons. My mother came back to get me later that day, and we returned to a house that was clean and quiet - at least for a short while.

This scene played out at least weekly during my childhood. I witnessed physical violence, and emotional abuse, between my parents on a regular basis (this was in no way one-sided - BOTH of my parents were guilty of participating). Eventually, I became the recipient of that same physical violence and emotional abuse. When I was 15, I actually used money I received as Christmas gifts to purchase a bus ticket to take me from Seattle to Spokane. I spent several days, and nights, in the Spokane Greyhound bus depot (not a good place for a 15 year old runaway) before calling my aunt and uncle who lived in Spokane to beg them to take me in.

Within days of letting my family know where I was, I was "forced" to return home. Fortunately, this event at least contributed to my parents realization that staying together, for my sake, wasn't working. What they managed to accomplish in my first 16 years of life was to define for me what a marriage should look like, and true to form, mine have looked quite similar to theirs.

Now I find myself in a similar position with my own son. No, the physical and emotional abuse is no where near the level of that of my parents, but I cannot deny that it is there, and I know from my own personal experience that I am teaching him what a marriage should look like. How terrifying is that? I do not use my son as a reason to stay with my husband. In fact, he really should be the reason I leave. In my experience, staying together for the kids never works - NEVER!

Now, can we talk about that "soul mate" concept? That one, single person should be able to meet all of my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs? It's a nice thought, but isn't that an awful lot of pressure, and unrealistic expectations, to put on one person? Seriously, can anyone really say that their partner fulfills all of these needs? I don't think so ... I really don't ...

But here is the real issue. It seems that society is fine with us getting our emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs (to a certain extent) met outside of marriage. That's why we develop friendships, continue our education, attend church/synagogue/temple, etc., right?

But what happens when our physical needs are not being met and we look for those needs to be fulfilled outside of the marriage? We've got some pretty "nasty" names for it - infidelity, cheating, whoring around. Why has society put such an emphasis on those physical needs being met only within "their" narrow definition of marriage, but we can go outside of the marriage to meet - at least partially - all of those other needs?

I'd like to think there was a "soul mate" out there for me, but in reality, even those people that I know who are in happy marriages/relationships - people who tell me they've found their soul mates - they are still looking outward to fulfill their emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs, and some of them are even looking outside of that very marriage/relationship to fulfill their physical needs.

My point? I don't know as it seems I have more questions than answers here, but I do think it's important that we consider the fact that marriage is defined by the parties involved, not by some arbitrary legal or religious mumbo-jumbo. I know ... I'm totally going to hell for saying that!

TMI Tuesday

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GACK! TMI Tuesday Marriage Edition?? This is a terrible TMI Tuesday for me to do right now because my views are so distorted with anger, disappointment and disinterest. I'm going to do my best to set my current situation aside and answer based on overall experience - which likely isn't much better ...

1. Do you believe in marriage?

I struggle with this question. I believe that many people put far too much emphasis on marriage. In reality, it is nothing more than a legal process which allows couples to gain additional benefits through government, employers, etc. and allows for formal recognition of a personal commitment. In my world, it's a legal agreement - the commitment between two (or more) people is something else entirely and doesn't require the legal acknowledgment.

2. What is marriage to you?

A legally acknowledged partnership between two people. I honestly do believe that the personal commitment between people is something other than marriage - something far greater in scope and meaning than the legal documentation.

3. If you are married, why did you do it? If you are not, why have you not married?

I am currently married - for the third time. I cannot imagine doing it again. The first time I got married, I was a 22 year old, self loathing young woman who believed that if I didn't accept the marriage "proposal" of a man I'd know only six weeks, I might never have another opportunity to get married. Two years later, my self esteem and personal integrity had taken a HUGE hit and the first marriage was over.

Second time was within a year of the first one ending. Again, it was for all of the wrong reasons and ended in my husband's suicide just 4 months later. And again, my self esteem and personal integrity took a HUGE hit.

I waited for 16 years before doing it the third time, and I'd have been smart to have waited a few more. I was convinced that this old flame rekindled was my last opportunity to provide a father figure for my son. Who would possibly want to marry a 41 year old woman who had been married twice, one of those marriages so bad her husband had to commit suicide to get out, and who had a bi-racial child out of wedlock? There wasn't a line forming - I settled.

As I said in the beginning of this answer, I cannot imagine doing it again.

4. Do you believe in divorce?

Being that I answered #2 in the way I did, there should be no surprise that I see divorce as being nothing more than the dissolving of the legal partnership.

5. If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?

Again, no surprise here. Anyone who reads me knows, I'm contemplating a divorce in my current marriage. How do I justify it? The partnership is harmful, physically (sometimes indirectly) and emotionally, to both Cam and me, and my husband has shown little interest in making any permanent changes to improve the relationship.

Bonus (as in optional): [ed note:I am not trying to spark a get political debate, I am much to superficial for that]Do you believe that same sex marriages are a threat to traditional marriages?

I am always amused by this argument. Current statistics show that 50% of all HETEROSEXUAL marriages end in divorce, and 75% of all HETEROSEXUAL second marriages end in divorce. I'd say the heterosexuals are the threat to marriage, not same sex couples.

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Wednesday Wrap-Up

When the creative juices are running low (I hate it when that happens, but they've got lube for that) and you can't think of anything entertaining to blog about, there is always the tying up of wrists and ankles loose ends post to fall back on.

First, I found out that a dear friend of mine lost his father yesterday. This was not unexpected - his father had suffered a stroke and had been in hospice care for some time - but I can't imagine this makes the loss any easier. If you are so inclined, please send some positive, healing and comforting thoughts for him and his family towards Chicago.

His loss makes me question my own relationship with both of my parents and whether there is any way I can make it better than it currently is, even with the wretched history we have, and still maintain a bit of personal integrity. The reality of their mortality is something I can no longer ignore, however building some sort of positive relationship with either of them seems an insurmountable task at times. I love my parents, but feel a great need to protect myself - and my son - from their destructive behaviors.

Second, I had a bizarre phone call at 11:30 Monday night. My phone never rings after 9 PM, so when it woke me out of a deep sleep, I immediately thought something terrible had happened to someone. Fortunately, that wasn't the case. Instead, the person on the phone was looking for someone I lived with 20 years ago. According to the story, her sister is the half-sister of this former flame of mine, and the half-sister is on her deathbed wanting to make amends with family members (are you following this?). Now mind you, it's been at least 15 years since I've had any contact with this man, and I don't know if this woman's story is true or not, but I find it just a little disturbing that my name (which has changed TWICE since I lived with this man) is still associated with him in some manner. Creepy ...

Last but not least, for anyone concerned, things on the home front remain "stable." I'm doing my best to keep a low profile (it's amazing how much energy that takes) and husband is on his best behavior. I've seen this cycle too many times in my life to let myself consider that it is a permanent change and I continue with my contingency plan.

Oh, one more thing ...

Today is The Great American Grump Out. A day that "since 2002 has encouraged people of all ages, all over the world, to be playful and respectful and designates one day each year to encourage people all over the United States to go twenty-four hours without being grumpy, crabby, or rude." Good luck with that one!!

Monday Madness

Had I just waited until Sunday evening to post my secret I'd have had a real doosey. Most of you know that marital bliss has not been on my radar for quite some time. There's been some fence sitting.

Well, the clarity fairies visited yesterday. A verbal argument escalated rapidly into the shattering of a glass full of milk against a wall I was standing by. I was concerned for my safety - I felt the situation had the potential to escalate to a point where someone (me) could get hurt - my gut reaction was to dial 911. Although I thought I hung up before the call connected, the police were pounding on the door within 3 minutes. Their visit quickly changed the tone of the situation.

I do believe this is the beginning of the end. It's clear that this relationship is out of control, and I don't know that either of us feels it has the potential to mend itself, even with a lot of work. This was not the way I had hoped it would end. There is much uncertainty. I will keep y'all updated as time allows.

**UPDATE**

I want to thank all of you for your support, wisdom and kind thoughts. I can't bring myself to answer each of your comments with the same, "Thank You!" but know that I am grateful to have a safe place to sort my thoughts. There is much more to this story, as I am sure many of you assumed. Although I was not the one who threw the glass, I certainly played a part in escalating this situation.

This blog may take on a bit of a different direction in the coming weeks - I do hope you all will stay with me through the process. Don't worry, HNT will still be a regular feature! Silly as this might sound, there is something quite healing in taking and viewing those pics.

Now excuse me while I go eat a sleeve of Thin Mints and drink some Bagwine ...

Delay of the Thin Mints, but it's Worth It!

I'm in a bit of a quandary (or obsessive funk, whichever you prefer). I've been playing up this damned Thin Mint HNT thing all week. Jahooni went out of her way to make it happen, I bought the chocolate syrup and the hot fudge, I was ready to go ... and then came the funk. Actually, I've been fighting the funk for what seems like an eternity a few months - grabbing the smiling face from the jar, putting it on each morning and pretending I'm happy. I thought it might just fool the funk. It didn't.

Then, I'm going through my Google Reader yesterday morning and stop for a quick rest next to Vince on the Big Leather Couch. If you haven't been there, you really should go - there is always great music playing and the atmosphere is quite comfortable. Anyway, I digress ...

His post yesterday was titled, Is It Worth It......? Now, y'all know how it is when you start reading a blog and you think, "Oh my ... how did he/she get in my head today?" I had one of those moments. Vince talked about evaluating the things in our lives to determine if they were "worth it." Now, he had some mushy shit romantic thoughts in there as well, but the "worth it" part really struck a chord with me.

For about the past year I've been doing some steady fence sitting in some very important parts of my life - specifically my marriage. I've been waiting for a lightening strike to my left tibia an epiphany to help me decide if it was time to buck up and give 100% to try to save the marriage, or if it was better to give 100% to ending it amicably. In that year I've watched my financial stability plummet and my self-esteem suffer greatly. I think it's likely that my son has lost respect for me due to my seeming inability to stand up for myself - or for him - in this situation. And yet I continue to precariously perch atop these white pickets.

You know, the longer you sit on the pickets, the more used to them you get, but as I was reading Vince's post I had to ask myself, "Is it worth it?" What is the price I am paying to sit on this fence? Would my husband pay the same price to sit where I've been sitting? Is it fair to ask my son to pay that price? It all became pretty damn clear - it's time to make a move. It's not going to be easy to get off that fence - I have semi-permanent indentations in my ass from sitting there so long and my legs have fallen asleep - but the price I am paying (and subjecting my son to) isn't worth it.

On that depressing thought light note, I can't seem to give Thin Mint HNT the attention it deserves. My mind just isn't there right now. Not to worry, there will be an HNT post, but it likely won't be like any of those you've seen before, and I hope there won't be any more like it in the future. I know that I can't do Jahooni's Thin Mint HNT justice tomorrow - not with where my head is right now - so I'll keep those boxes of asparagus cookies in the freezer, and the chocolate syrup in the pantry until I can do Jahooni justice ... or do Jahooni ... whichever comes first!

Sunday Secret

I often think, based on our current results, that marriage counseling isn't going to make our marriage work, but rather bring to light the fact that we should have never gotten married.

Are You Kidding Me?

*WARNING* This may be a "TMI" post for many of you, but I really need to rant about this for a moment …

As some of you know, my marriage is in some significant turmoil. One side effect of that turmoil has been a lack of sex. Quite frankly, I have no desire to make my husband feel physically good when he makes me feel emotionally bad. Call me selfish, but I don't feel that sex is a marital right.

So, it's been months (I've abandoned the official count, but I can safely say it's been more than 3 months) since there has been any sex in this house. Yesterday morning, as I'm getting dressed to go to the market, DH, (a.k.a. Dick Head) throws the covers off his body (it's 9:00am - he's still in bed) and says, "Do you want to suck start this thing?"

WHAT?? You *must* be kidding me! It's been over three months since we've had sex and you're going to proposition me like I'm getting paid for this favor? Do you honestly think "Do you want to suck start this thing?" is going to be such a turn on for me that I won't be able to resist your manly charm? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is *NOT* going to get you anything more than a dirty look and a door slammed in your face.

I think my trip to the market was far more satisfying than "suck starting" that thing would have been!

What is a Wife?

I've been contemplating this question lately. My current circumstances would indicate that a wife is someone who:

• cleans every room in the house
• does laundry weekly (folding, hanging and putting it all away)
• makes sure that no one runs out of toothpaste, deodorant, batteries, or any other item one might potentially run out of
• maintains the household finances, accounting for every dime spent
• checks homework, makes dentist and doctor appointments, takes care of the sick and makes lunches
• puts in a 12-hour working day (including commute), but who's job isn't interesting enough to merit discussion.

You'll notice there is nothing in that list that indicates a partnership or friendship, let alone romance. That is because in my capacity as wife (as I have defined it), none of those exist. I was a single mom for seven years, and my life as a single mom was much like my life now, minus one 43-year-old man-child and a big ass house that always needs cleaning. How did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen?

I'd love to blame this all on someone else, but *I* am at least partially (fully?) to blame. For many reasons, I honestly believed that my value in a marriage was so minimal I *had* to do all of these things in order to compete as wife material - that no one would have me if I didn't offer services above and beyond what normally would be expected. At some level, I believed that if I did more, if I made everything "perfect" (or darn close to it), I would become magically deserving of love. Guess what? That didn't work out too well for me.

In fact, I've dug myself a huge hole by setting the expectations far above what is reasonable. Try as I might to renegotiate, I am reminded that I am attempting a bait-and-switch - I advertised "goods" before marriage, I better damn well be delivering those goods after the marriage.

So here I sit, in a state of numbness. I muddle through the daily routine but have little emotional attachment to any of it. Each day is identical to the last - weeks and months morph into one big blur. I can't imagine living the next 40 years of my life this way - I won't live the next 40 years of my life this way. I've created this mess and now it's time to clean it up ... again ...