27 September 2007

An ANGRY Spousal Rant

BIG argument in our house Tuesday night – not just big, but UGLY! I don’t know where I got this silly ass idea that adults fight fair (a skill I’m certain we all learned as children), but after dealing with DH for the past four years, I can tell you that isn’t the case.

This argument started because I (in a calm and rational voice) asked DH, “Are we going to talk to a marriage counselor or are we going to just walk around here pretending like everything is fine?” When he gave me a short, “I suppose we should” response, I reminded him that *he* really needed to take the initiative in finding a counselor. It was, up to that point, a CONVERSATION – then the shit hit the fan.

By the time I finally settled down and lay in bed (did not sleep, just laid there), I had been called an idiot, a bitch and, my favorite, a cunt (along with “just like my ex-wife”). I was told what a shitty parent I was, how I lived in some fantasy world of marriage, and that sex once every three months, at our age (43 and 45) is “normal.” That was the stuff that wasn’t so bad …

He was far angrier than I have ever seen him – angry enough that I was concerned about my safety and the safety of my son. I had reason to believe that he was going to take the $$ in our joint savings account (for October’s bills) so that I wouldn’t be able to pay the mortgage/utilities. I decided I had better get my hands on it first, and made a transfer out of our joint savings to my personal checking, with every intention of handling the household expenses (as I always do). This brought on a barrage of “threatening” emails, which I’ve decided to share. *note* I've left his mispellings in place as I found it ironic that he didn't bother to use spell check.

DH: why are we short $X,XXX in the joint savings account?

ME: It's not missing ... just moved (and fully intact)

Based on your actions and words last night and this morning, I was concerned that it would be removed from the account and that there would be nothing to pay the mortgage and bills with on the 1st.

DH: put the damn money back and leave it in the joint account. don't do this again! that is such bull shit!

ME: You are right - it *IS* bullshit, but it ISN'T about jerking your chain - it's about making sure that Cam and I have a roof over our head for the next 30 days. I have no idea what your intentions are but I have never seen you as I did last night and this morning.

DH: put the money back... now. I will not be held hostage with my own money. your treading on thin ice here Dana, thats not YOUR money, it's OURS!

ME: I have every intention of paying OUR household bills with OUR money - the money that was transferred. But you have to remember that with the exception of the mortgage (in both of our names), every other household bill is in *MY* name.

And how am I holding you hostage? Are you wanting the money so that you can leave now - to hell with Cam and me? This isn't about getting back at you or pushing your buttons - that is the LAST thing I want to do right now - it's about protecting Cam. You know you'd do the same if you thought it might be the only thing keeping a roof over your daughter’s head!

DH: the money BELONGS in the joint account, not YOUR personal account. I went out to transfer money from MY savings account to MY checking account and noticed $X,XXX missing from the JOINT account. It looks exactly like what Debbie did for 9 years... if you want the bills out of YOUR name than do it and stop whining... get a grip and stop the petty crap, your getting more and more paranoid every day. you seem to be on a mission to drive me out and at the rate your going you will successfully complete this mission.. soon. we are rapidly approaching a point of no return.. I'm beginning to question whether I can trust you... you appear to be intentionally escalating an already volitale situation, your actions scream ??????? all of this drama over an arguement... you dump on me last night and drop the councelor responsibility solely on me!? put the money back into the joint account today... or I'll will have to take your refusal to mean you want a divorce. action speak louder than words...

After this LOVELY bantering back and forth, I decided to compromise (a foreign word to DH) and transferred PART of the money back to the joint account – keeping in my personal account the $$ necessary to pay the utility bills which are in my name.

He walks in the door at about 8:30 last night – didn’t say a SINGLE word to either Cam or me, nor would he even look in our direction. He immediately went to his home office and closed the door, not coming out until I went upstairs at 10:30. I get up this morning, get ready for work, he leaves for work and still no acknowledgement that I am even in the house (not such a bad thing, actually)

I come in to work this morning and find the following email sent to my WORK email address, from his HOME computer, at 9:56 last night.

DH: Thank you, I was never going to take the money to begin with. I really was just transferring money from my savings to my checking, that's the only reason I noticed the joint savings balance. I Do Love You,

WTF?? You are kidding me, right?? What possible definition could this “man” have for love that would include everything he had said and done in the 24 hours prior? And why the hell would he send an email when I was sitting not more than 30 feet away from him?? Who would be doing the “petty crap” here??? ARGH!

24 September 2007

Size 10 - Oh my!

I had no where else to “brag,” so figured my blog would have to suffice! Unfortunately, one of the people I had hoped would support me in this, offer me encouragement (i.e. Dick Head) doesn’t seem to feel the need to even acknowledge that I’ve lost weight (no, he’s not said one single time, since the beginning of the year, that I look any better than I did almost 70 lbs ago), so I’ll just toot my own horn!

As many of you know, I was “conned” (thank you Tali) in to joining a dreaded weight loss site at the beginning of this year. I’ve struggle with my weight since I was 5 (the last time I was at a “normal” weight) and have lost and gained significant amounts of weight over the years. So, I swallowed my pride (along with the last box of Twinkies) and signed up for SparkPeople.

It was really quite depressing to actually admit to myself just how unhealthy and FAT I had become. I calculated my BMI and was WELL in to the OBESE range. This was a project that was going to be long-term and seemed, well, beyond overwhelming to say the least. I needed to lose just short of 70 lbs to reach my “normal” BMI – a total of 27.5% of my total body weight.

Well, before I knew it I had reached the “overweight” BMI range. I know, most people wouldn’t celebrate being officially overweight, but for me it was progress and definitely worth celebration. Honestly, I really didn’t believe I’d ever see a “normal” BMI. It had been 20 years, and one child since I was any where near that weight, but you know what? I am just 5.4 lbs from being there and I *know* I’ll make that goal in the next few weeks.

The last time I went shopping, I was delighted to find size 14’s fit me. It’s been a few months, and I was fairly certain I needed to move in to a size 12 as I was rolling the waist band on all of my slacks to keep them up (not the most professional look). Off to the mall I went. I grabbed a few size 12’s from the rack hoping – praying to the clothes Gods – that I’d be able to actually zip them up. Well, there was a problem – they were too big! I had to go pull 10’s from the rack. I didn’t have to lie down to zip them up and I can actually do squats when wearing them without fear of busting out the butt seam.

I am quite proud of myself, but I also realize the real work – keeping the weight off – is looming in front of me for the next 40 years or so. It will no doubt be a struggle, but I think this time I can actually make this happen!

19 September 2007

ARRRRR! It's Talk Like a Pirate Day!

I'm guessing many of you did not know that there is an International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but there is, and it's September 19th. If you're so inclined, you can take the "Find yer inner pirate" quiz here Quite honestly, I make a much better pirate wench than I do a pirate!

You are ...
The Quartermaster

Profile: The Quartermaster (The ship’s disciplinarian).You, me hearty, are a man or woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome, awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike – well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was called “bat-shit crazy,” the crew likes to have you around because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline AND entertainment.

16 September 2007

Are You Kidding Me?

*WARNING* This may be a "TMI" post for many of you, but I really need to rant about this for a moment …

As some of you know, my marriage is in some significant turmoil. One side effect of that turmoil has been a lack of sex. Quite frankly, I have no desire to make my husband feel physically good when he makes me feel emotionally bad. Call me selfish, but I don't feel that sex is a marital right.

So, it's been months (I've abandoned the official count, but I can safely say it's been more than 3 months) since there has been any sex in this house. Yesterday morning, as I'm getting dressed to go to the market, DH, (a.k.a. Dick Head) throws the covers off his body (it's 9:00am - he's still in bed) and says, "Do you want to suck start this thing?"

WHAT?? You *must* be kidding me! It's been over three months since we've had sex and you're going to proposition me like I'm getting paid for this favor? Do you honestly think "Do you want to suck start this thing?" is going to be such a turn on for me that I won't be able to resist your manly charm? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is *NOT* going to get you anything more than a dirty look and a door slammed in your face.

I think my trip to the market was far more satisfying than "suck starting" that thing would have been!

15 September 2007

Musically Challenged?

It seems that some of my friends (you know who you are) believe my musical listening skills need some - shall we say expansion and updating? Anyway, due to the teasing and ridicule (masquerading as concern and enlightenment) my iPod now contains more music from the 21st century than from the 20th century. Imagine that! This is my latest *fav* song and seems to fit my life extremely well at the moment.

Save Yourself ( Stabbing Westward )
I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely,
I think I'd rather be alone
I think I'd rather be alone
You can not save me
You can't even save yourself
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
Save yourself
So just save yourself

13 September 2007

What is a Wife?

I've been contemplating this question lately. My current circumstances would indicate that a wife is someone who:

  • cleans every room in the house
  • does laundry weekly (folding, hanging and putting it all away)
  • makes sure that no one runs out of toothpaste, deodorant, batteries, or any other item one might potentially run out of
  • maintains the household finances, accounting for every dime spent
  • checks homework, makes dentist and doctor appointments, takes care of the sick and makes lunches
  • puts in a 12-hour working day (including commute), but who's job isn't interesting enough to merit discussion.

You'll notice there is nothing in that list that indicates a partnership or friendship, let alone romance. That is because in my capacity as wife (as I have defined it), none of those exist. I was a single mom for seven years, and my life as a single mom was much like my life now, minus one 43-year-old man-child and a big ass house that always needs cleaning. How did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen?

I'd love to blame this all on someone else, but *I* am at least partially (fully?) to blame. For many reasons, I honestly believed that my value in a marriage was so minimal I *had* to do all of these things in order to compete as wife material - that no one would have me if I didn't offer services above and beyond what normally would be expected. At some level, I believed that if I did more, if I made everything "perfect" (or darn close to it), I would become magically deserving of love. Guess what? That didn't work out too well for me.

In fact, I've dug myself a huge hole by setting the expectations far above what is reasonable. Try as I might to renegotiate, I am reminded that I am attempting a bait-and-switch - I advertised "goods" before marriage, I better damn well be delivering those goods after the marriage.

So here I sit, in a state of numbness. I muddle through the daily routine but have little emotional attachment to any of it. Each day is identical to the last - weeks and months morph into one big blur. I can't imagine living the next 40 years of my life this way - I won't live the next 40 years of my life this way. I've created this mess and now it's time to clean it up ... again ...

12 September 2007

Virgin Blogging

Life is funny, and the older you get the funnier it gets.

A blog? You've got to be kidding me! People like me don't have blogs. Blogs are for the young, the idealists - those with grandiose dreams and aspirations - those who are far less cynical and pragmatic than I am. I've worked my whole life trying to be invisible - trying not to impact in any way, shape or form the lives of family, friends and even strangers - so why in the world am I entertaining the idea of a blog?

Well, I need a place to sort my thoughts and empty my head at the end of the day. A place where I can bitch, whine and moan without abusing the broad (and tired) shoulders of the few dear friends who know my secrets. A place where I can post the trials, tribulations and the occasional triumphs life sends my way. A place where my feelings aren't judged (at least in real time) and where I can say the things that I am sometimes far too polite (or is that frightened?) to say.

Back in the "olden" days, we had diaries with locks on them and we hid them in messy closets and dresser drawers in hopes that no one would ever find them. Now we've got blogs with passwords and we publish them for the world to read.

Yes, life is funny!

01 September 2007