28 January 2018

Sunday Stealing | A Quiz for Grown-Ups

Sunday Stealing
I think I'm grown-up enough to take this quiz ...

~*~

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Rent. It's my largest bill and I'm paying someone else's mortgage. UGH!
2. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Right now? Right this second? Let's go with enjoying Sunday brunch with a friend ... and mimosas.
3. Why did you choose the shirt you have on now?
I am currently in my jammies. Other than choosing long-sleeved jammies in the "winter", and short sleeved jammies in the summer, I don't intentionally choose my jammie tops!
4. Thoughts on gas prices?
I have been thrilled with gas prices in Las Vegas. Coming from Illinois where gas prices could (and often did) fluctuate by 30 cents/gallon in a single week, the gas prices in Las Vegas stay very constant. In fact, the price of gas right now is within 5 cents of what it was when I moved here in June of 2016. Of course it helps that I work from home and usually only fill my tank every other week.
5. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning
I don't set an alarm in the morning. I wake up when I wake up and start working usually within 30 minutes of waking up. That said, my internal clock usually wakes me at 5:30AM.
6. Last thought you have before you go to sleep?
Please let me sleep through the night without waking up. It never happens.
7. Do you miss being a child?
No! Not at all!
8. What errand/chore do you despise the most?
Grocery shopping, which is why I now use a service my market offers that allows me to order my groceries on-line and pick them up at the market without ever having to go inside. It is well worth the $4.95 service fee!
9. Up early or sleep in?
See number 5.
10. Favorite lunch meat?
Honey baked ham ... with bologna running a close second.
11. What do you get every time at Trader Joe’s?
Ummmm ... I've been to Trader Joe's exactly ONE time, and that was about 5 years ago. I have no Trader Joe loyalty.
12. Beach or lake?
Beach - always! And don't try to tell me that going to Lake Michigan is going to the beach. If it isn't salt water it is a lake.
13. Ever crashed your vehicle?
*knocks on wood* Nope! I've been a passenger in two vehicles that have crashed, and I did have someone gently rear-end me once (no damage), but I have never crashed a vehicle.
14. Strangest place you've brushed your teeth?
On a Korean mountainside? That happens when you're in the Army.
15. Somewhere you've never been but want to go?
In the US? Alaska (preferably a cruise) and Maine in the fall. Abroad? I've always had a fascination with Greece and Turks and Caicos.
16. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career?
Actually, yes, but only if I could start the career I've always wanted without going back to school. One can dream, right??
17. Do you own your own house?
See question 1
18. Do you have a go-to person?
Right now I actually do, but they live in my phone. I have spent most of my life without a go-to person, so this is a little unusual.
19. Are you where you want to be in life?
Never - I'm always striving to be better. Complacency is not my style.
20. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
I was fortunate to have grown up in the 60's and 70's when Saturday morning cartoons were in their prime. I was always a fan of Looney Tunes, Scooby-Doo, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, and of course, Speed Racer!
21. What has changed since you were a child?
What hasn't changed since I was a child? That was a long time ago.
22. Looking back at high school, were they the best years of your life?
Oh HELL no! No! No! No! High school was not a good time for me.
23. Are there times you still feel like a kid?
There are times when I still feel like a kid, and I like those times because they always involve doing something fun!
24. Did you have a pager?
Never did. It's not like people were clamoring to talk to me, and I was in the Army when they were most popular, so pagers weren't even on my radar.
25. Were you the type of kid you want your kids to hang out with?
Ummmm ... NO! But as it turns out? Guess what type of kids my son hung out with? That's how this all works ...

25 January 2018

Casper the Friendly Ghost


ghost·ing
/'gōstiNG/
noun: ghosting
the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
~*~

I have a love/hate relationship with technology. Lately it's been leaning towards hate. In the last month, I've had three people (one recent acquaintance, two two long-term "friends") ghost me, or at least appear to be on the verge of ghosting me. I have to tell y'all ... I just don't get this.

According to this Psychology Today article:
"People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of social connections to people who are met online also means there are less social consequences to dropping out of someone’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it and the more likely they are to do it to someone else."

I would say this theory is spot on ... and that it SUCKS!

I've felt disrespected, disposable, and worse yet? Just plain foolish for thinking there was something to these friendships that clearly wasn't there.

Because I am who I am, my first assumption is that the ghosting has something to do with me. That somehow I have screwed things up ... again ...

Logically, I know there are a ton of possibilities for the ghosting - people get busy and texting relationships take a backseat - people experience real life events that change their priorities - people just lose interest. The problem is that I don’t know how to react because I don’t really know what has happened ... so I default to I suck (and not in a good way).

It's just? People! Get some gonads!! Ghosting is the ultimate passive/aggressive way of ending a friendship/relationship, and y'all know how I feel about passive/aggressive people ... GRRRRRRR!!

I don't know ... sometimes I want to just give up on technology. I can't decide if it connects us, or just makes it easier to pretend we are connected.

21 January 2018

Sunday Stealing | Friday Questions

Sunday Stealing

1. Have you ever tried to learn (or re-learn) a foreign language as an adult? Which one? What worked for you?
Maybe 3 or 4 years ago I decided I wanted to learn spanish. I went to the library and checked out a teach yourself spanish CD set - I had a longish commute and thought it would be a good way to make the commute time productive. I think I got halfway through the fist CD when I gave up.
2. Do you donate blood? Do you know your blood type?
I do donate blood, however it's been a while. I am good old O+.
3. Have you ever been in a play or musical?
I have not ever been in a play or musical, nor would I ever want to be.
4. Do you use certain text or ring tones for specific people? Who gets their own? Or do you just use the default on your phone?
Do people really do this? That is way too much work, and since I only get calls or texts from a handful of people, it's just easier to actually look at my phone to see who it is. Now, I did change the default ringtone and text alert sounds on my phone because I find the default ones obnoxious.
5. When did you get your first digital camera? Do you still shoot on actual film, or all digital now?
Wow ... my first digital camera? I probably got my first one 11-ish years ago? I think it was right after I started this blog and that was in 2007. I haven't used a camera with film for at least 15 years, and I only use my phone now for taking photos.
6. What do you think someone else would say the most daring thing you’ve done is? 
I would guess most of those who know me would say joining the Army is the most daring thing I've done.
7. Do you talk with your hands?
I do not talk with my hands. I prefer using my mouth.
8. Do you have a lucky number? What is it, and what is the story behind it?
I don't have a lucky number, however I definitely have a preference of even numbers over odd numbers.
As a side note, a little number story. Since my first husband died (30 years ago), there has been a number that has reoccurred frequently - 718 - which also happens to be my birthday. Several times a month that number pops up ... usually on a clock (i.e. I just happen to make a cup of coffee when the clock on my Keurig reads 7:18), but it comes up other places as well. *shrugs*
9. What kind of milk did you drink, growing up? And now?
We were a whole milk family, but I'm thinking that was all there was during most of my childhood. Now? I use 2% milk for cooking, and I drink light vanilla soy milk if I'm actually going to drink any type of milk.
10. What is your favorite kind of pie?
French Apple!! I'm generally a fan of fruit pies - cream pies (get your minds out of the gutter) make me cringe, as do citrus (lemon, key lime, etc.) pies.
11. Are you a note taker?
Not only am I a note taker, but I'm a doodler. The only time I usually  have an opportunity to take take notes is when I'm on the phone, and I almost always do ... even if it's not information I will need again. It's almost like I can't listen if I'm not writing. 
12. Do you have an eclectic mug collection, or is your stuff all matchy matchy?
I ave exactly 12 mugs - 8 of those are the ones that came with my set of dishes, 2 are promotional mugs I received from IWS Radio, and the other 2 are my coffee cups ... and they don't match.
13. Do you have a junk drawer in your house/garage/at work/wherever?
Of course I have a junk drawer. Isn't that mandatory in any home?
14. What is the longest amount of time you’ve worked at one job – and what was/is it?
I worked for 3M for seven years as a product support tech, and for a company in Podunk for eight years as an accountant. I've been at my current job (again accounting) for 2 years and hope to be able to remain here for the long haul. The work-from-home gig has really spoiled me and I don't want to ever have to sit in a cubicle again.
15. How old were you when you took your first commercial flight? To where did you fly?
I didn't take my first commercial flight until I was 15 (1979), and it was to Hawaii. 

19 January 2018

Over You


I can't tell you how many times I've listened to this song and not actually heard it

It came on Pandora last night while I was at the gym, and I actually listened to the the words ...

The entire song is my relationship with Mike

But it was the first line that made me do a double take

"Now that it's all said and done"

His tumblr blog name


Coincidences are kind of creepy sometimes

18 January 2018

Spring Mountain Ranch State Park | Martin Luther King, Jr. Day of Service 2018

For the first time since Martin Luther King, Jr. Day became a Federal holiday (1983), I decided it was time to honor the full intent of the holiday. One of my favorite places in the Las Vegas area is Spring Mountain Ranch State Park, and they were hosting a Day of Service opportunity. I decided that was a great place for me to spend my morning.

MLK Day is not a holiday my employer recognizes as a paid holiday, so I took 4 hours of PTO and headed out Monday morning at 8:00. 


I purchased these Merrell MOAB (Mother Of All Boots) FST hiking boots about a year ago, soon after Cam moved here. He and I were doing enough hiking that it seemed like a good idea. Then we stopped hiking. This was the first opportunity I had to actually wear them. *SQUEEEEE*


This is the view of the park as you walk in. Who wouldn't want to spend time here? They split up the volunteers into two groups. One group was working on some trail rehabilitation, the other group was doing trash recon. About 2/3's of the volunteers wanted to work on the trail rehabilitation, and since that group included roughly 20 cub scouts under the age of 8, I opted for trash recon.


When it's 60 degrees in January, and you have views like this ...


And this ...


And this ... picking up trash feels like a privilege


Spring Mountain Ranch State Park is just 6 miles south of the Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area. Although there isn't as much "red rock", it is certainly there.


The area we were focusing on was in the Group Use Area. That's not an area that can be accessed by general visitors to the state park, so it was fun to see a part of the park I haven't seen before.


One of the trails I worked on took me through the Ash Grove.  The Ash Grove smelled like a mixture of pepper and eucalyptus. It was an intense and yummy smell.


We had some heavy rain recently in Las Vegas. There were still signs of that rain a week later. The ranger we were working with told us this ravine was full to capacity and sounded like a freight train just a week ago. Flash floods are a huge issue here.


The ash grove had several lightning strike tree stumps and carcasses. This area has a high incidence of lightning strikes.


This is Penelope. Spring Mountain Ranch State Park was a working cattle ranch until the late 1940's (before it was a state park). There are still 3 cattle on the property, Penelope being the most famous of the three. The state park provides apples and carrots for visitors to feed Penelope, and she loves every minute of the attention.

It really was an amazing morning, and has resulted in me contacting the state park to see if there are permanent volunteering opportunities available. I'll let you know how that goes!

16 January 2018

TMI Tuesday | Tell The Truth

TMI Tuesday Blog

1. A friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick–or had an allergic reaction. The friend calls a few days later to ask, “How did you like the pie?” What would you say?
You know? I don't think I'd be completely honest here - I mean, it's a PIE. I'd probably say something along the lines of, "That was really thoughtful of you."
2. Your significant other really wants to try the “swingers’ lifestyle” but you really do not want to do this. Do you:
a. Tell him/her no, you are not interested
b. Do it, and go along to make her/him happy
c. Say yes, because you’ll try anything once
d. Say no, with no explanation and forbid your significant other from venturing into swinging.
(e) None of the above But? Given those 4 options? I'd go with (c) Say yes, because you'll try anything once.
3. Have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass–as is someone taking revenge for your misjudgement?
Yes I have texted nude photos to someone (or someones). To date? It hasn't bitten me in the ass *KNOCKS ON WOOD ... SEVERAL TIMES*
4. Have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem, and their physique drastically changed?
I don't think so, especially since I have struggled with this myself. I've talked about this here before. My attraction to others is about 10% physical and 90% internal. Things like gender and race really don't impact my attraction to someone, so I'm thinking if my significant other's physique drastically changed, as long as they didn't change I'd be absolutely fine. 
5. Would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10,000 (usd)?
Hands down - true love. I'm not sure there is any amount of lottery winnings that could have me choose money over love.
Bonus: Which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs–politics or religion?
I don't avoid conversations on either topic. I'll have the conversation until someone gets "stupid", then I'll opt out of the discussion. I'm not one to try to change anyone's mind on either of these topics, and if the discussion doesn't degrade into name calling, etc. I'll talk for hours on either of these topics!

14 January 2018

Sunday Stealing | Conversation Starters

Sunday Stealing
This is another of those things I used to do on a regular basis. As I try to get back into 
"electronic journaling", I've discovered that I sometimes need a little help. 
I swear this blog is not going to become the home to all memes...


~*~


1. What are some small things that make your day better?
Small things that make my day better? My Keurig turning on before I wake up. No dirty dishes in the sink. Sunshine streaming in my windows. A surprise text from someone I haven't heard from in a while.
2. What shows are you into?
This is my dirty little secret ... I watch a lot of what I call mind candy - shows that don't require a lot of thinking. Currently on my DVR list? Guy's Grocery Games, Fixer Upper, Hell's Kitchen, Highly Questionable, Sister Wives. I seldom get into the "trendy" shows/series.
3. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?
The Documentary Channel - all documentaries all of the time!
4. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?
Is ME an appropriate answer? Although I'm not the best me I can be (there is always room for improvement), and I often minimize my accomplishments, I really am proud of what I've done - and overcome - so far in life. Have I found a cure for cancer? Have I ended poverty? Nope! But I don't think things like that are any more impressive than someone - anyone - getting through life and being a good person.
5. What age do you wish you could permanently be?
I really enjoyed my mid-thirties. I lived life hard in my twenties (in a good way), but really started understanding myself in my thirties, and physically? Everything still felt good and functioned well.

6. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?
Game of Thrones. I just can't ...
7. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don’t think you could live without?
This is a tricky question. "Considered a luxury" is so subjective. Not only that, but I've had things - and lost things - several times in my life. I've learned that I really can live with very little.
8. What’s your claim to fame?
I don't have one, and honestly? I don't want one. I'm more of a behind the scenes person.
9. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way?
Send cards and letters. I still feel there is something very special about pen to paper.
10. What’s your favorite genre of book or movie?
Favorite genre of book? I like crime fiction. Favorite genre of movie? I'm all about action films.
11. How often do you people watch?
ALL.THE.TIME! It's one of my favorite things to do.
12. What have you only recently formed an opinion about?
Thinking ... thinking ... I've got nothing ...
13. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?
Prison policy reform? I think people have heard of it, but I don't think most people are informed about how our jails/prisons operate and why they need reform.
14. What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?
5,127 miles - when I was stationed in Korea. Yes, I did google that!
15. What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen?
EGADS! I really can't pick any one thing. I've seen, and been the recipient of, many heartwarming things. My favorites though are the little things that people do for others anonymously.
16. What is the most annoying question that people ask you?
Are you really 6' tall? It's a question that I always want to answer in a snarky way. Seriously? No ... I'm 5'-2" ... I just like to tell people that I'm 6' tall because it sounds better. Really? 
17. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?
Absolutely NOTHING! I cannot begin to imagine doing even a 5-minute presentation without hours of preparation!
18. If you were dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do?
If I were dictator of a small island nation? Ummmm ... no! I don't want the job!
19. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?
Travel, travel, travel! Even if it's just to a neighboring state, but preferably internationally. And do it when you're young - when you have no obligations - when you can live life by the seat of your pants.

12 January 2018

On The Road Again


Cam and I flew to Seattle to take care of the stuff related to my dad's death, but we road tripped it back to Las Vegas in Cam's "new" Suburban (formerly my dad's vehicle). Cam did ALL of the driving which gave me an opportunity to take a few photos along the way.

This was our return trip in photos!


This is the old Rainier Beer Brewery in Seattle. It has been converted into work lofts, live work lofts, storage space, warehouse space, and commercial space.


I'm not sure where this bridge was (this will be a recurring theme throughout this post), but I love bridges and took photos of all of the awesome ones. I didn't realize that I miss bridges (the closest thing we have in Las Vegas are overpasses) until we crossed so many of them on our way home.


Same bridge ... different view ...


The day we left Seattle was the day of the Amtrak derailment in the Seattle/Tacoma area. The derailment closed I-5 - the major north/south route through Washington. We had to find an alternate route (there are very few) which had us driving on roads like this for hours. It was during this time that I was first made aware of Cam's complete lack of patience. His lack of patience was also a recurring theme throughout the trip.


TRAIN!!! Because TRAIN!!!! I've also missed trains since moving to Las Vegas.


This is the bridge over the Columbia River that takes you into Oregon.


PROOF!


Another Oregon bridge - not sure where we were at the time, but I do know we were still on day 1 of the trip. I also know that our weather looked like this all through day 1.


Same bridge ... different view ...

We stopped for the night in Medford Oregon. When we checked in, we were informed that there was a winter storm warning in effect for the following day. Most of our trip was spent trying to outrun one thing or another. 


We did see some snow on day 2, but not much and never on the road.


Day 2 was also the day of many mountain passes.


This one took us out of Oregon ... 


and into California!


Mt. Shasta was snow covered.


This was the bridge over Lake Shasta.


Since moving to Las Vegas and visiting Hoover Dam, Cam has developed a fascination with dams. When he saw an exit for Shasta Dam he decided he wanted to take a side trip. This is Shasta Dam!

We stopped for the night in Coalinga California. It was a strange little town that smelled like all of the farms had just spread pig manure as fertilizer (my old stomping grounds of Podunk had that same smell). We stayed in the WORST Motel 6 I have ever been in. Don't stay HERE. Although their rooms were recently renovated, the bathroom was not, and was so bad I didn't take a shower. Then there was the issue of no hairdryer, nor shampoo/conditioner in the room. I was never so happy to leave a motel.


Day 3 took us through California's Olive Capital. There were miles and 
miles of olive trees. Now, I am very familiar with the saying "offering an olive branch," but for some reason I didn't associate that with olives actually 
growing on trees. I had in my head that olives were like grapes and 
grew on vines. Yeah ... I know ...


Not far out of the Olive Capital, the temperature actually hit 60 degrees!  This was also about the time that I realized that Cam and I should not take road trips together that last longer than 2 days.


We drove by the Mojave Wind Farm. Although Illinois had several wind farms, I have never seen one this large.


And then it started to look a lot more like Las Vegas.


And the interstate got really straight.


And the mountains welcomed us home!

11 January 2018

I Have It All Figured Out, You Know!

*NOTE* I wrote this post in June of 2012 and it has been sitting in DRAFT mode since then. At the time, I was asked not to post it, but knowing what I know now? I should have posted it and listened to the feedback I likely would have gotten. The events described below did indeed happen. At the time, I was led to believe that my imagination was getting the best of me - that I was creating some alternate reality. And I let myself be convinced that these events were just coincidental. After  six year of these types of "coincidences" (one VERY recently), it became clear that my fear was quite justified. And as you all know, he eventually did leave ...

~*~

This relationship has been too good to be true.

I knew that from the beginning. No one has ever cherished me like this ... at least outside of DMs, texts and emails behind their wife's back. I knew this relationship couldn't possibly be what I hoped it was.

I was afraid to ask you to help out with rent - to contribute towards groceries - to split the utility bills with me. I figured I'd have to carry the load alone to actually have you stay with me.

I'm not all that. I'm fat, frumpy, and otherwise forgettable, and I come with a moving truck full of baggage.

There were the issues with PayPal. Payments that you said you made but that never showed up. Finally, the issues were resolved and a payment showed up mid-month.

The following month? Again, I was afraid to ask you to contribute. I sent a PayPal invoice - a passive-aggressive way to ask you to contribute without having to ask you to contribute.

It didn't work so well. I had to ask you if you got the invoice when your payment didn't arrive. I figured this time you'd be gone for sure. You assured me you would call the bank on Monday to straighten it out.

Saturday I went to the market - a chore you usually do with me but you weren't feeling well - so I went alone. You gave me your debit card (and the PIN) so that I would have your contribution for the groceries. The debit card didn't work. I was beyond embarrassed in the checkout line.

I was snippy when I got home ... "The next time you give me a debit card, please give me the right PIN."

You claimed you did.

Today, you tell me someone has withdrawn all of the money from your bank account - that the bank is looking at their tapes to see who it was - and the police department will be calling to follow up with you.

Oh! And that your mom has cancer again.

I have it all figured out, you know! I'll leave for work tomorrow and when I come home? You'll be gone. You'll tell me that you need to be close to your mom while she fights the cancer - that she needs you there.

And then you won't come back.

You shouldn't have told me that you are an expert liar. Now I question everything you say - examine all of your actions looking for inconsistencies.

If this wasn't all one big ploy to find a way to leave?

I'll push you away with my constant scrutiny, distrust, and fear of abandonment.

It's much easier to play it safe - to tell myself that I have it all figured out - I hope it helps protect my heart.

I have it all figured out, you know! I might be naive and gullible, but eventually even I have to face reality.

09 January 2018

TMI Tuesday | Nosy

TMI Tuesday Blog
1. How old is your longest living relative?
Why do these questions have to be so hard?? I don't know ... late 70's? My mom is 75, her older sister is my oldest living (blood) relative, so I think late 70's is my final answer.
2. Do you hope to live to this age? Why?
Yes, I'd like to live at least into my late 70's. The older I get the older I want to get. I'm 53 - I'd like at least another 25 years. I've got places to go, people to see, and things to do for goodness sakes!!
3. What is your family’s native language? Your native language?
When my great-grandmother came to this country she spoke only German. She was the last generation in my family whose native language was not English.
4. How old were you when you started dating?
I'm pretty sure I went on my first date when I was 16. After that? My only "date" (we went as friends) was my senior prom. It wasn't until I was 22 that I actually dated someone ... someone I ended up marrying 2 months into our dating relationship ... and someone I divorced 2 years later.
5. How old were you when you first had sex–any kind of sex?
Let's see ... I was 12 when I had my first orgasm, but that was solo sex (and quite a story). I was 17 when I had my first non-solo sex. And in true TMI form? My sex life was far more active than my dating life between 17 and 22.
Bonus: How would you describe your sense of humor?
My sense of humor can be best described as sarcastic and witty.

05 January 2018

The Best Worst Year


This really does sum up my 2017.

Never did I expect that my relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with would end, nor did I ever think I would learn things about him that really did break me - that made me realize that words are only words, and sometimes people say them for their own benefit.

Yet I was reminded of how strong I am - that although I let myself depend on him, I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and making my own life better.

The death of my dad certainly made me smarter and wiser. I didn't realize what needed to be done (and maintained) while I am alive so that Cam is not left with a mess to clean up. I do now.

There were unexpected friends - people that I didn't think gave me a second thought - who ended up being so important to me this past year.

I'm grateful that 2017 is over. I am well aware that a new year guarantees me nothing - no magical happiness - no unexpected peace - yet there is a part of me that is grateful for the perceived fresh start.

Yes ... 2017 was the best worst year ...

03 January 2018

Dead



My dad died Tuesday, December 5th.

Before you leave a sympathy/condolences comment, know that this situation isn't a daddy's little girl lost her daddy thing. My dad was not a good person for most of my life. He was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to an extent that it has negatively impacted who I am, and how I feel about myself, to this day.

I actually learned that he died from his "girlfriend" (he had recently rekindled a friendship/relationship with a high school classmate via Facebook). After not hearing from my dad for 12 hours (really out of character for their relationship) she called the sheriff's department and had them do a well-being check. He had gone to bed and just never woke up.

My initial reaction was shock? Confusion? I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this information. There was business to take care of so I took care of the business.

In the weeks since, there have been a few times that I cried - he was my dad no matter how horrible he was at being my dad. Decades ago I came to grips with the fact that he wasn't intentionally a bad person/father - he just didn't know any better. That said, I never had much of an emotional connection with him. I couldn't. It wasn't safe.

I feel a bit guilty because I am not overcome with emotion over his death. It seems like I should be. Most people are when they lose a parent, right? Maybe it will hit me at some point? I don't know ...

If I had to sum up the experience? I'd say that I learned a lot about what needs to be done when you are alive so that when you die people aren't left trying to put pieces together (my dad did not do what he needed to when he was alive). 

I'd also say that his death has given me closure. I don't have to worry that he will hurt me again - he can't - and that is a huge relief.

02 January 2018

TMI Tuesday | Happy New Year


Let's get this party started ...
TMI Tuesday blog
1. Did you make any resolutions at the start of 2017? If yes, how did you do at keeping them? What one thing are you still doing?
I'm not much of a New Year resolution person. It just seems silly to wait until some random day to make changes that probably should have been made March 22nd ... or July 9th ... or any other random day.
2. Pick three words to describe your year 2017.
Betrayal, chaos, death. Yeah ... rough year!
3. What was your biggest personal change in 2017?
Hmmmm, addressing my depression medically? Life became pretty overwhelming at times this year. I spent far too much energy believing I could just make myself better if I tried hard enough, all the while making myself worse. Now I'm moving in the right direction.
4. What was totally unexpected in your 2017?
Finding myself single again after the unexpected end of a 6-year relationship. If you're into platitudes, I'm sure this qualifies as an "Everything happens for a reason" moment, however sometimes life just sucks ... for no reason ...
5. What was the best thing that happened to you in 2017?
As a result of question 4, my son moved from my mom's house into a condo that he and I now share. This might sound like an odd highlight - having an adult child move back home isn't what most would consider a good thing, but in this case it was. It meant that I was taking care of my responsibilities rather than someone else having to take care of my responsibilities. I was carrying around a lot of guilt and was able to let that go.
Bonus: Did you make new year resolutions for 2018? Share a few with us? Any of them repeats from 2017?
Nope! I don't want to ruin my streak of anti-resolution years! I am, however, trying the one word approach this year. We'll see how that goes ...

01 January 2018

One Word 2018

SELF-LOVE

I'm calling it one word because it's hyphenated
I'm also calling it one word because it's something my life has always lacked
I don't expect to accomplish this 100% of the time
I do expect to quiet my internal dialog that tells me I'm not enough
I do expect to be more kind to myself
I'd never associate with anyone who spoke to me the way that I speak to myself