I Have It All Figured Out, You Know!

*NOTE* I wrote this post in June of 2012 and it has been sitting in DRAFT mode since then. At the time, I was asked not to post it, but knowing what I know now? I should have posted it and listened to the feedback I likely would have gotten. The events described below did indeed happen. At the time, I was led to believe that my imagination was getting the best of me - that I was creating some alternate reality. And I let myself be convinced that these events were just coincidental. After  six year of these types of "coincidences" (one VERY recently), it became clear that my fear was quite justified. And as you all know, he eventually did leave ...

~*~

This relationship has been too good to be true.

I knew that from the beginning. No one has ever cherished me like this ... at least outside of DMs, texts and emails behind their wife's back. I knew this relationship couldn't possibly be what I hoped it was.

I was afraid to ask you to help out with rent - to contribute towards groceries - to split the utility bills with me. I figured I'd have to carry the load alone to actually have you stay with me.

I'm not all that. I'm fat, frumpy, and otherwise forgettable, and I come with a moving truck full of baggage.

There were the issues with PayPal. Payments that you said you made but that never showed up. Finally, the issues were resolved and a payment showed up mid-month.

The following month? Again, I was afraid to ask you to contribute. I sent a PayPal invoice - a passive-aggressive way to ask you to contribute without having to ask you to contribute.

It didn't work so well. I had to ask you if you got the invoice when your payment didn't arrive. I figured this time you'd be gone for sure. You assured me you would call the bank on Monday to straighten it out.

Saturday I went to the market - a chore you usually do with me but you weren't feeling well - so I went alone. You gave me your debit card (and the PIN) so that I would have your contribution for the groceries. The debit card didn't work. I was beyond embarrassed in the checkout line.

I was snippy when I got home ... "The next time you give me a debit card, please give me the right PIN."

You claimed you did.

Today, you tell me someone has withdrawn all of the money from your bank account - that the bank is looking at their tapes to see who it was - and the police department will be calling to follow up with you.

Oh! And that your mom has cancer again.

I have it all figured out, you know! I'll leave for work tomorrow and when I come home? You'll be gone. You'll tell me that you need to be close to your mom while she fights the cancer - that she needs you there.

And then you won't come back.

You shouldn't have told me that you are an expert liar. Now I question everything you say - examine all of your actions looking for inconsistencies.

If this wasn't all one big ploy to find a way to leave?

I'll push you away with my constant scrutiny, distrust, and fear of abandonment.

It's much easier to play it safe - to tell myself that I have it all figured out - I hope it helps protect my heart.

I have it all figured out, you know! I might be naive and gullible, but eventually even I have to face reality.