30 March 2011

HNT - Hope


There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.
~Baruch Spinoza



Real Live Lesbian?


Soooo ... last night, I'm minding my own business on twitter, saying goodnight to a few folks as they logged off for the night, including one of my female followers to whom I promptly gave *sloppy wet kisses* as part of her good night.

I do this frequently (flirting is "safe" on twitter) to both men and women, but for some reason my tweet last night resulted in the following exchange from @MattManWIR:

His timing couldn't have been better - I had just read an article titled "Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations" (linked on twitter by @danteshepherd) that talked about people's need to label sexuality as either or - either straight or gay/lesbian.

I've talked about my sexuality on this blog before. When people demand I put myself in a box, I (begrudgingly) go with bi-sexual. I say begrudgingly because I don't like labels ... AT ALL. And as I spend some time toying with the idea of becoming comfortable in my own skin, I've discovered I hate them even more.

Way back when, Lynn (Real Live Lesbian) wrote a post about being "Fashionably Bi" I remember the post well. My comment was:

I think there *is* a "fashionably bi" segment of the population. My experience is that they tend to be women (generally under 30) who know this is a turn-on for men AND women and since society is far more accepting of it, they "toy" with it for a period of time.

I also think there is a rather significant population of women generally over 30) who fall somewhere in the 4/5 range of the Kinsey scale, but who have "settled" for a heterosexual relationship to meet the traditional wife/mother expectations of society.

For those of you not familiar with the Kinsey Scale, it is based on the notion that sexuality is not all either/or - that there is fluidity in sexual preference rather than nice, neat little boxes that everyone fits in to.

Me? I'm a 3 ... and I think I'm a pretty true 3. Just as I am not attracted to people of a specific race/ethnicity, neither am I attracted to people of a specific gender. I can love, care for and be passionate with men and women ... equally. Although I have had long-term relationships with women in the past, the last 20 years I've confined myself to the heterosexual side of the scale.Yes, attitudes surrounding sexuality have become much more open in the past 20 years, but being straight is still a lot easier than being gay/lesbian/bi.

So, why did I have such a strong reaction to Matt's "Why don't you just become a lesbian?" question?

Two reasons ...

One, I don't think one "becomes" a lesbian. I know ... I know ... it's semantics, but I found it bothersome that someone I consider a dear friend had (or at least appeared to have) such archaic views on sexuality (this is where Matt will tell me I am one of those people who take twitter too seriously *shrugs*).

Two, I'm not a lesbian. If you want to label me or put me in a box, at least get the right damn label/box. This is not a phase (I've been this way as long as I can remember), I am not confused (at least not about my sexuality, but I am confused by why others seem so confused by it) and this isn't an excuse to be promiscuous (although I believe a polyamorous relationship would better suit me, having more partner options does not make me more promiscuous). I am bi-sexual and don't need to "become" anything else.

Now, all of that said, I do think Matt has a point - I need to stop confining myself to the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale and be more open to where my true sexuality lies.

It's all part of becoming comfortable in my own skin ...


28 March 2011



Cam is many things - creative, artistic, athletic and quite musically talented. He's also a typical high school freshman - oozing with attitude, entitlement and, of course, he is all knowing. He pushes boundaries and is a pain in the ass more often than not. He is a typical teenager in many ways.

Last week, his artwork was selected for display in the annual Chicago Area Alternative Education League art fair. He was one of eight students from his therapeutic day school whose art work was submitted for the art fair competition.

You know, Cam's freshman year of high school has been anything but typical. There have been no homecoming dances, no spirit weeks, no after school clubs. I didn't imagine his high school experience would look anything like this. I had different dreams. And sometimes? That really sucks.

But not today.

This is his artwork that was displayed in the art fair - the art fair that he didn't tell me about, that he refused to attend with me, but that he secretly wanted me to go to as was evident by the pride in his voice when I finally got a hold of him to find out which piece of art was his.

Side story. I really wanted to get a photo of his artwork but the artwork didn't list the artists names to eliminate any bias in this judged event. Cam told me nothing about his artwork other than it was a watercolor. Fortunately, his painting was one of only five paintings submitted from his school, and one of only three water colors. I had to guess which was his and guessed right, which is good since he didn't respond to my calls and texts until after I left the venue.

When I got home, I asked him about the painting - what inspired him - why he called it "Chance"

He told me he did the painting in art therapy on his friend Carlos' last day at the therapeutic day school before transitioning back to his home school. The rainbow represented the happy ending - going back to a "normal" school. The black line through the rainbow was Carlos' journey.

When I asked Cam about the drops of gray and black sprinkled throughout the painting he said, "Those are my tears. I'll miss Carlos but I'm glad he gets to go back to his real school."

And the reason he called the painting "Chance"? Carlos got his chance to chase his rainbow.

Today? I realize that my dreams are not Cam's dreams, no matter how much I might want them to be, and I feel a tremendous amount of pride in recognizing that my son's dreams have much more substance than mine for him ever did.


23 March 2011

Completely Devoted


During the highly irritating twitter trend of #100FactsAboutMe, this little gem popped up in my time line:


In case you can't read it it says:

"I dislike parents who are not completely devoted to their children"

I asked for clarification because it sounded quite Judgy-McJudgy (The person who tweeted this did DM me explaining what she meant by completely devoted, and it wasn't what I thought she meant).

So yes, I got a little defensive, why? Well, two primary reasons.

First, who are we to stand in judgment of parents, determining it they are completely devoted or just partially devoted? Do we know even 5% of their story before making those judgments? Are we so naive that we believe the ONLY factor (or even the primary factor) of raising "good" kids is to be a completely devoted parent?

My kid is sometimes a mess. Part of that is because he's 15. Part of that is because he has neurological differences that make parenting him in "traditional" ways almost impossible, and part of that is because I haven't been a perfect parent. These aren't excuses, they are just my life. I do the best I can with the skills I have, my ultimate goal being to raise a productive adult who contributes positively to society.

Second, do people really believe that if you are a "good" parent you will magically raise "good" kids? If you are completely devoted to your kids, they have no other option than to turn out great?

I've got a unicorn for sale, are you interested?

I would argue that being completely devoted to your kids, at the expense of your own personal needs, is not only a ridiculous thought, but harmful to the well-being of the kids and you!

Completely devoted is just so subjective and carries a very personal definition. Shame on any of us for judging another parent's complete devotion to their kids without having any idea what might really be going on.

And why are we standing in judgment at all? Aren't there more constructive things we can do if we think a parent needs more help? Oh! That's right ... those take effort, not lip service.


22 March 2011

What Comes After 999?


I don't often celebrate these kinds of things - a blog is narcissistic enough without tooting your horn over every perceived monumental blog moment.

But? 1000 posts really is an achievement. In the 3+ years I've been out here, I've seen a LOT of blogs come, go, go private, be deleted, come back reinvented and go stagnant (and I wish they'd delete the fuckers because stagnant blogs are taking up some good names).

If I count the guest posts I've done over at Real Live Lesbian, the Project 365 blog and tumblr (which I am convinced is NOT really a blog but twitter on steroids) I'm probably closer to 1500 posts. Now that's a lot of wasted time!

Anyway, I want to thank all of you ... yes ... even you! Oh, and let's not forget YOU! Although I put the drivel out here, you all reflect it back at me. It is your input - your comments - your trollish and stalking ways, that have helped me be a better person.

I was chatting with a friend last night who, at one point said (it was close to this - I wish I had saved the chat), "I see you how you are. Not through the lens of your experiences."

I had a moment - a moment where it became clear that I most closely identify with my failures. I am three failed marriages. I am Alan's suicide. I am the reason my father is an alcoholic. That is how I see myself when I look through the lens of my experiences.

He reminded me that is not who I am. Yes, I have experienced those things, they have shaped me in good and bad ways, but I am not those things. I am so much more than those things.

I think there are a few of you out there who have been trying to tell me this for years - it finally sunk in.

Thank you! Seriously ... for helping me find myself Amid Life's Crises! Yeah ... that was corny, but kind of clever, no? Wait! Don't answer that!


20 March 2011

Sunday Secret



17 March 2011

HNT - Clover


Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck.
~Author Unknown



BMI and Spots and Lumps - Oh My!


If you are looking for my HNT post, you'll need to wait until this evening. Although the pics have been taken, I haven't managed to work my magic with them and get them posted yet!



Well, I made it through the physical, was even able to pee on demand. What? TMI? Ehhh ... get over it!

The results (so far) were generally good. Blood pressure was excellent (120/76) and resting heart rate was normal (82 - I'd like to get that down a bit).

It does look like I'll be visiting a dermatologist again soon - a few more "skin spots" that look questionable. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about this - knowing that the doctor is being cautious based on my history with Basal Cell Carcinoma.

Also of concern is the "lumpiness" the doctor found when doing my breast exam. It's been 7 years since I had a mammogram, so getting another one done has become a priority. Fibrocystic Breast Disease does run in my family, so again, I'm trying to take this all in stride.

Of course my weight is an issue - BMI is about 12 points above a healthy range, but I know I'm working on that and making progress, so ... ehhh ...

I go in a week from Saturday for full panel blood work. I've never had my cholesterol, thyroid or blood sugar levels checked. I know ... right?

Oh! And I got a Tdap (tetanus) vaccine. Wasn't expecting that but apparently my age group is now the most at risk for contracting Whooping Cough (the Tdap vaccine protects against tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis (whooping cough)). Go figure ...

I didn't get a sticker or a sucker for being such a good patient, but I did get a Snoopy bandage. That was almost worth going in for!


16 March 2011

Cross Off Another Item


Well? Today I can cross of the first half of #7 on my To-Do List! In about and hour I'll be proudly donning the paper gown with my ass hanging out the back - getting that physical that I haven't had in 10+ years.

I cannot begin to express the anxiety I feel right now. Should be great for the blood pressure!


14 March 2011

Want A Bite?


I wonder if Outback will be busy tonight??


10 March 2011

HNT - Audit


"Yes, I obstructed justice. I instructed people on the [Enron audit] team to follow the document retention policy, which I knew would result in the destruction of documents."
~ David Duncan

Round 2 of our audit started Monday - the auditors will be with us through March 25th. Not only am I putting in tons of overtime, but I'm doing an awful lot of document recovery ... which require precarious trips up the ladder in the vault!



Are These Things Still Around?


If your looking for HNT you'll find it tonight or tomorrow. I'm a little behind a
and this post was in the queue.


Apparently, blogger awards are still around because I got one! Now, I suppose it's possible that I haven't gotten a blogger award in YEARS because my blog sucks, but I refuse to believe that 'cause ... well ... it's my blog dammit!

Anyway, John (a.k.a. @DaddyRunsALot on twitter) over at John's "get healthy" plan gave me an award - a Stylish Blogger Award. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone, but I didn't even know John read my blog! Imagine my surprise!

As is always the case, there are rules - FUCKING rules!

First, you are to name seven things which your readers may not know about you and second, you must nominate seven other bloggers for the award.

Right ... do you suppose when someone wins a Grammy they are required to list seven interesting facts about themselves and then nominate musicians for next year's Grammys?? Yeah ... I didn't think so!

Since I'm nice, I'll give you seven random facts about myself ... but only because I'll feel like a total ass if I don't meet any of the conditions of the award ...

1. Many of you know I was a band geek, but I was actually quite a talented band geek. I auditioned, and was selected for the All Northwest Honor Band 1981 (band students in grades 9-12 audition for the opportunity to perform with the best high school musicians in the six Northwest Division states under the baton of nationally-renowned conductors).

2. I have been driving for almost 31 years now. In that time, I've gotten only one ticket, and that was just months after I got my license at 16.

3. In those 31 years of driving, I've also never gotten a flat tire nor run out of gas, even in my AMC Matador that did not have a functioning gas gauge.

4. I write left handed, although I am ambidextrous in most of my other fine motor skills (i.e. eating, painting, putting on makeup). I am very right handed in my gross motor skills (i.e. throwing, shooting a basketball, batting).

5. I performed a group modern dance in the 8th grade to Styx "Come Sail Away". Every time I hear that song I still remember the dance routine.

6. I look for numeric patterns everywhere - from tiles on floors to the number of street lights on a road. I am often preoccupied with counting and finding consistency. Sometimes I just count in my head to settle my brain.

7. The sound made when clipping fingernails or toenails makes my down right stabby. Like must leave the room or I'll start stabbing whomever is clipping their nails with the nail clippers!


07 March 2011

No Longer Cynical, Now He's Every Day!


I don't do birthday shout-outs on my blog. I just don't. I can't remember everyone (contrary to popular belief, I'm not one of those "set an Outlook reminder" people) and inevitably someone gets their panties/boxers in a bunch and the hate mail ensues!

But ...

I just cannot let this day go by without acknowledging Jay's birthday.

See? I kind of use Jay, and he deserves a day on my blog in repayment.

He's my personal social media wiki. He lets me know when I screw up by RT-ing someone I unfollowed, and he is my go-to guy for critical questions like, "Just how far back can I go in my twitter time line without presenting a disjointed social media response?"

And he makes me laugh ...

And he keeps me honest ...

And he doesn't let me get away with my bullshit unchecked ...

He's been a great friend, and some day (i.e. when Redneckville finally opens a liquor store) I'm going to head south and give him his own personal lap dance as a belated birthday gift.


Didn't he say something about hemorrhoids in his birthday post? Maybe I'll just ship him a case of Preparation H ... or Tucks (by far the WORST name for a hemorrhoid treatment product).

Maybe the lap dance was a bad idea.


06 March 2011

Sunday Secret



01 March 2011

How Can It Be?


That he's not 18 yet?? It seems like it was forever ago that he was this adorable little ball of fluff - drooling and dripping all over me.

Now?? He's 15, full of attitude and just learned tonight that he shares a birthday with Justin Bieber ... boy is he pissed! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Here's hoping you are able to get that driver's permit you were certain you'd be getting today, but learned quickly would require you give me something (better grades) to get something.

My job from here on out is not to make your life easy, but to prepare you for the life you'll be taking on in a few short years. I'm going to be less available, and hold you far more accountable.

Growing up seems like such a good idea, until you have to do it.

Life gets tougher from here on out Boo-Bear ... hang in there ... and happy birthday!