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During the highly irritating twitter trend of #100FactsAboutMe, this little gem popped up in my time line:
*CLICK TO BIG*
In case you can't read it it says:
"I dislike parents who are not completely devoted to their children"
I asked for clarification because it sounded quite Judgy-McJudgy (The person who tweeted this did DM me explaining what she meant by completely devoted, and it wasn't what I thought she meant).
So yes, I got a little defensive, why? Well, two primary reasons.
First, who are we to stand in judgment of parents, determining it they are completely devoted or just partially devoted? Do we know even 5% of their story before making those judgments? Are we so naive that we believe the ONLY factor (or even the primary factor) of raising "good" kids is to be a completely devoted parent?
My kid is sometimes a mess. Part of that is because he's 15. Part of that is because he has neurological differences that make parenting him in "traditional" ways almost impossible, and part of that is because I haven't been a perfect parent. These aren't excuses, they are just my life. I do the best I can with the skills I have, my ultimate goal being to raise a productive adult who contributes positively to society.
Second, do people really believe that if you are a "good" parent you will magically raise "good" kids? If you are completely devoted to your kids, they have no other option than to turn out great?
I've got a unicorn for sale, are you interested?
I would argue that being completely devoted to your kids, at the expense of your own personal needs, is not only a ridiculous thought, but harmful to the well-being of the kids and you!
Completely devoted is just so subjective and carries a very personal definition. Shame on any of us for judging another parent's complete devotion to their kids without having any idea what might really be going on.
And why are we standing in judgment at all? Aren't there more constructive things we can do if we think a parent needs more help? Oh! That's right ... those take effort, not lip service.
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32 comments:
I agree. I always say the best thing I ever did for L is to leave him alone (within eyesight) so that he would learn to entertain himself.
Also? I let him solve some of his own problems so that he'd learn that life skill. I think people might consider that not completely devoted to my child but I personally disagree.
Well I sometimes think you can judge. It is human nature to judge. I for example, know a mom that leaves her 13 and 15 year old home for 4 or 5 days in a row to go out and party. Despite hearing upon her return that there was a nonstop party going on in her home and the kids did not go to school the entire week. She leaves them no food and no supervision. She is always whining about the kids getting arrested or skipping school yet she won't get her ass outta bed and wake them for school. She also posts pics all over facebook of herself getting smashed at bars the same day her kid was arrested for shoplifting??
Sorry but if she was "devoted" at least that night she should've stayed home. She is fb friends with her 13 year old daughter who posts scantly clad photos of herself and status updates that are foul-mouthed and rude. But yet she does nothing??
Sorry she may have had a hard time but a good 85% (and that's being kind) is her fault. Her fault for not being devoted.
On the other hand there are some parents who are devoted and the kids turn out not so good. But I do believe in some cases it is appropriate to say that someone is not devoted to their kids.
Let me start this with a great big SMILE. I'm the author of that tweet.
I apologize to any who were offended by my tweet. (Most of you reading this blog probably didn't even see it.) I certainly didn't mean to offend a soul, but it's how I feel and I stand by it.
Yes, I judge parents. I'm pretty sure we all do to a certain extent.
Before I got pregnant with our daughter, my husband and I decided we were going to be the parents we never had. Yeah, we both had the material things kids need growing up, but neither of us had parents that were interested in us as individuals. My mother never helped me get dressed for a dance recital. She never took me shopping. Never painted my nails. I always had to find a ride for everything I did, etc. I'm sure these things sound trivial but, they weren't at the time I was living through them. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I was pretty much a fixture in our home. My husband's parents never watched him play a football game. His mother never hugged him. Never asked him how his day was, etc...
I always said my children would never have to worry about how they were going to get to an extra-curricular activity.. and they would always know that we would be at every activity beaming proudly. I made it a point to always ask how things were going in their lives. We kissed good night. We always say "I love you". We basically wanted to do just the OPPOSITE. We were and still are very family oriented.
Yeah, I think we were damn good parents. Were we perfect? Nope. Did we screw up? Yep. But, things turned out well. We have 2 great kids who are productive members of society. We still call or text each other "Good night. I love you". My son sneaks up behind me and bear hugs me when he's home. My daughter comes by on her days off for lunch. Our kids really love us.. and they show it.. they appreciate us and I eat it up. It's a great feeling. I think we did something right.
In my opinion, if you're going to have children, you should be completely devoted to ALL their needs.. not just the basic food, clothing and shelter.
Yes, I judge the parents who were never at their son's wrestling matches because they were at home downing a 12 pack of Bud Light (EVERY MATCH). I judge the parents living in $500,000 houses, who never sent money for food/drinks with their kids to wrestling tournaments. I judge the parents who were at the local pub instead of watching their daughter play the clarinet in concert. I judge the parents who left their kids standing outside waiting for them to pick them up after an out of town game @ 2am.
As far as doing something constructive - I think I did. I always packed coolers of food and water/gatoraid for the wrestlers.. all of them.. I bought lunches/dinners for the kids without money.. I made it a point to tell the girl playing clarinet how wonderful she was.. I shuttled kids without rides to and from.. I stayed with the kids at 2am waiting on their parents to pick them up. Etc...
I'm not complaining at all.. I did those things because those kids were living "my life" and I wanted to help them.
Being completely devoted doesn't mean it's at the expense of your personal needs. If we hadn't tended to our personal needs I don't believe our marriage would've lasted 26 years (and still going).
I'm not a writer, and I have a difficult time putting my thoughts on paper. I know I ramble. I hope this makes sense.
There's being completely devoted to your kids, then there's being SO devoted that you lose your sense of self.
On the other hand, if you are so narcissistic and full of self that you ignore your kids the way the woman does in Raquel's example, well, that defines the opposite end of the spectrum quite nicely. I think the majority of us fall well within the bounds of what is considered healthy & normal.
Of course, that's just one mans view.
There is one Golden Rule to successful parenting:
Lead by example.
Judge? I think that's what people say not to do but do anyway.
I think it takes devotion to leave someone for your kid. I think it takes devotion to give your kid tough love or discipline when they need it. And I think it takes devotion to sit through every game and recital. I also think devotion is different for every parent.
I think you are a good mom Dana.
Alas, children don't come with instruction manuals.
I think perhaps rather than being "devoted" to *any* human being, we should be supportive.
Devoted, in my mind, (which means zealous or ardent), sacrifices the nurturing of self. There has to be space in ones devotion. Taking care of oneself - not wildly partying or being irresponsible, though - should be top priority, then providing the environment, support, and availability for a child (spouse, friend, Cocker Spaniel), to flourish should come next.
Great, thought-provoking post!
Gina, I have no doubt that there are people who do not feel I am completely devoted to my son because I allow him to FAIL! I've always felt it was better to allow a child to fail (in school, with decision, etc.) when they are still at home so that they can learn how to recover while under your watchful eye.
Raquel's World, I couldn't disagree with you more! It is not "human nature" to judge - that is a learned behavior and one we should all work a little harder at UNLEARNING. Let me ask you this - you went on a rant here about a neighbor you feel obligated to judge - how is that judgment helping her or her kids?
Completely devoted sounds like a recipe for helicopter parents and bubble-wrapped kids...NOPE, wrong way to go
Well Dana- It was your blog and therefore I did not go into all the details. I only referred to the part I thought was relevant to the post. I have helped her in many many ways. But you can only help someone that wants the help. Some people are more comfortable living life as a victim and I believe that to be the case with her.
ALthough I have assisted in the past with food, supervision, advice, etc, I have my own children to raise and again point to the fact that the help was neither appreciated or useful past the moment.
I know of no one that is without judgement on others or their actions. I am not saying it is right but I am saying that we ALL do it in some fashion or another.
This is a woman that had the good sense to go to and complete nursing school and work full time as a nurse. She doesn't miss out on a party. She doesn't need MY help she needs to get her priorities straight.
Before judging a good rule of thumb is always to think that there but for the grace of God go I. Devotion may look differently to different people. Some people may think that I am not devoted because I am not at the football games. What those observers may not see if that I am working my third part time job cleaning bathrooms so that I can afford to buy the cleats that he wears to play the game he loves so much. They may not have a clue that while he is lugging his stuff home on public transportation I am on the phone with him getting a blow by blow of every play he made and checking in to make sure he has a plan to complete his homework.
There is a show on TV called If You Really Knew Me and I love it. Peoples lives are like huge icebergs. The 10% above the water is what you see and think you know. Think about the 90% below the water that you have no clue about. Be grateful for the life you have and what you can provide to your children and stop judging other people. Be grateful that there but for the grace of God go you.
Meg, here is the problem with judging - sometimes we're wrong :) I know there are some really SHITTY parents out there, but I would argue that even they don't deserve to be judged on their devotion to their children - judge them on their parenting skills - do what you can to offer help (which it sounds like you are/have done). One can love their child(ren) and still be a shitty parent. That's all that I was trying to get across!
bikinfool, I think it is a balance, but I just don't see the benefit to judging anyone. I really don't.
Phfrankie Bondo, I think even leading by example is not fool-proof.
Mike, I think there is merit in being aware of past behaviors and basing future interactions on those behaviors. But judging based on perception alone is a dangerous thing.
AmbyLand, I would agree with the discrepancies in the definition, which is where I think the danger lies in judging!
Desert Rat, Yep! I got very hung up on the "true" definition of devoted which I think is why this didn't sit well with me. To me it said, "If I cannot see you sacrificing yourself - always - for the sake of your child I hate you," and I take issue with that as I believe that attitude although prevalent, is not a healthy one!
It wasn't until I saw that tweet being re-tweeted that I really became concerned.
Vinny "Bond" Marini, it did to me too! I just wish that as parents, we could all focus on being the best parent we can - to our own children first and then to the children we think might need a little more than their parents can give them, rather that pointing fingers and being accusatory.
Raquel's World, and I'm saying that we could all judge a little less - that it isn't constructive to judge - and that judging on perception is a bad idea *shrugs*
What Dana has yet to say is that my tweet had absolutely NOTHING to do with her. I have no idea of her parenting skills. Although she wrote this blog making it seem as if the tweet was about her.
Vinny - if I was a helicopter parent my son wouldn't be in the Navy right now. My daughter would have gone to a different college and would be doing something totally different with her life. I allowed my children to make all of their decisions. I supported the decisions they made 100%.
Anonymous - I was very clear that the parents I take issue with are the parents that are partying and doing their own thing week after week, and in some cases year after year while their children are ignored. In not one of my examples were the parents working to support their children.
Dana - Yes, sometimes we're wrong. I have no problem admitting it when I am. In my eyes parenting skills and devotion are intertwined. Clearly this tweet struck a nerve with you as you totally took it and spun it into something that it was not. You blogged about it today and gave it a new meaning, after I had discussed it with you yesterday. Dana, honey, you judge every day on twitter. I see your tweets.
I'm shocked by those of you that claim you don't judge. You judge.. and sadly, you don't even realize you do.
Anonymous, "Before judging a good rule of thumb is always to think that there but for the grace of God go I." I could not have said it better.
One of the gifts I've been given is a multitude of life experiences. There was a time when I judged people I'd see at a food bank who were dressed "too nice" thinking, "If they can dress like that, they shouldn't need a food bank." Years later, while standing in line at a food bank myself, wearing dress clothes (the only time I could go was on my way to work) I realized just how wrong it was of me to judge others without the benefit of the doubt.
We don't know the stories - and everyone has one. Sometimes things look much differently than they really are.
Meg, I didn't think that I needed to clarify that the tweet wasn't about me - it was hashtagged as #100FactsAboutMe ... thus making it about you, not me :)
That said, if this blog post were about you (it wasn't) trust me, I'd have called you out by name - just ask any of the other people I've blogged about. I intentionally left your name and any identifying information out of the post because I didn't take your tweet personally - but it did bother me - not because I thought you said it about me, but because I have done the same thing and it's a quality I don't like in myself.
Of course I judge, although I think you take what is said on twitter a little too seriously - you don't want me to go there again, do you?? ;) Anyway, that doesn't make it right and doesn't mean that it's not something I don't like about myself and that I am working on.
Writing is a funny thing - sometimes inspired by something that may not have anything to do with the end product. That was the case here. I'm sorry you feel a need to defend yourself as no one here was attacking you.
*shrugs*
Since I don't have kids, I am an expert on the subject of raising them. ;-)
But, I keep all my brilliant parenting advice to myself.
I literally LOL'd at you saying I take what is said on twitter a little too seriously when you are the one blogging about my tweet.
I'm not defending myself. My children are proof that my parenting worked. I am however, trying to clear up a simple tweet that took on an entirely different meaning once you blogged about it.
One last comment - Here is where you and I differ. When I make peace with someone I've had a disagreement with, I never bring it up again.
Jay, and see? That's the trouble! Those of you with all of the knowledge refuse to share it with those who need it ;)
Meg, One more time, and then I'm going to quit banging my head against this wall because if I get a bruise on my forehead, I want it to be from a headboard!
This blog post is not about you, but rather about your tweet's subject matter. It was also not about a conflict (there never really was one, was there?) with you. I blogged about the SUBJECT MATTER contained in your tweet.
If this post had been about you or a conflict I had with you, I'd have made sure to include your twitter user name in the post - I'd have called you out - because that's how I roll. I intentionally left that information out because the post is not about you. I don't see this as rehashing a resolved disagreement with you because? This post is not about you, it's about a subject matter that you happened to tweet about.
this was an interesting array of comments. All judgemental to boot in one way or another. Pot - kettle.
Margaret, First off, no one was pointing fingers at anyone saying "You're judgmental and I'm not" - you are right - we are ALL judgmental. That said, we could all be a little less judgmental, don't you think? Or should we aim to satisfy the status quo? *shrugs* I think there is room for improvement - for everyone (that includes me).
I shouldn't judge parents because I am not one, but some times you can't help but think W.T.F.
I know my Mom might not have looked the best to folks looking in but I defend her fiercely for those looking in can't really see what's behind the curtain...
MEG: I am sorry, I do not know you, but anyone who tells me I have to be COMPLETELY DEVOTED to my son is going to get an argument.
I love my 23-year old more than I love myself....BUT, devoted to him? Nope..he was taught early (and maybe his being an only child forced the issue)make your own decisions, and then take the consequences for them.
If I was completely devoted to him, I would make all the issues go away when they occurred, I did not..he took a lickin..and is still tickin and is better for it.
You are right on target sweetie. Sounds to me like the author of the statement was sittin high and lookin low! i love when people are NOT judgmental.
I like this. Too often, I'm exposed to people whose hobby seems to be constructing infomercials about their "perfect" parenting techniques.
"I NEVER let my child out of my sight for one second!" [O RLY?]
"My child has to earn EVERY PENNY s/he gets, and we have a printed chore chart with color-coded credit stars!" [Didn't I see this shtik on Supernanny? And is that a gold star I see plastered on your forehead?]
"My child's diet is carefully supervised -- in his/her entire life, s/he has never once tasted processed food. I grow and harvest my own organic wheat, grind it into organic flour, etc. etc..." [I predict s/he will convert to the Church of the Ramen Noodle once s/he turns 18]
In short, I don't trust people who go on about their laboratory-perfected parenting techniques. They're not too different from politicians who trumpet their "family values" and then get caught in airport restroom stalls with someone else's kid.
Vinny - No where did I state that being devoted to my children meant I made decisions for them. I said just the opposite. They made their decisions. My husband and I supported them. If I had made their decisions, they would both be doing different things in their lives. But - it wasn't my place to live their lives for them. I was there if they needed me. In my mind, that is devotion.
Kaleem - did you even read my earlier comments? I owned that I was being judgmental.
Vol-E - I never claimed to be perfect. Just the opposite. I said I screwed up.
Dana - Wow.. 28 comments. Popular post for you, huh? Let me know the next time you want to take one of my tweets and totally change the meaning. I'll be sure the next one is a real doozy.
Peace out.
Uh...what? What is this blog supposed to even be about? The tweet said she hated people who weren't devoted to their kids. I don't read that as being a 'parenting style' or 'choice' but what you SHOULD be. Devoted. That to me means keep out of harms way, put their needs on the top of the priority list, and give them a strong foundation to become a productive adult. More of a 'don't pull a Casey Anthony and put your toddler in a trunk of a car so you can go party,' than a criticism of someone's parenting style.
This blog screams insecurity to me. To make up a post hundreds of words long over an innocuous tweet seems like you have to convince yourself that what you're doing is 'right' rather than calling someone else judgmental. As long as your kids are healthy, happy, and taken care of? Who the hell cares what you do...
It would appear that Meg would be the insecure one.
The blogger never identified the tweeter, but addressed the meaning of those who are parents that judge others.
The tweet itself certainly begs for the Erma Bombeck type Moms of the world ( I think of book Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession) to bat Meg's tweet, if not Meg, verbally around a bit.
For Meg, insecurity is shown by how she gathers her twitter gang around her and attacks Dana for addressing that part of us who choose to judge others, without ever looking at ourselves and wondering if we might be the problem. What do YOU think, Meg?
Do you teach your children to respond in such a childish manner?
Hmmmm, I see the Twitter Trolls decided to make an appearance on the hobby blog. Whom may this be, Damnert the Dike, or Christi the Old and Infertile? Since neither one of you are or ever will be parents, why don't you two morons stick with what you do best,investigate and irritate the nice people on Twitter. All while locked up, Cowards. Your opinions are not needed on parenthood, since you have no point of reference. Bye Bye
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