Real Live Lesbian?

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Soooo ... last night, I'm minding my own business on twitter, saying goodnight to a few folks as they logged off for the night, including one of my female followers to whom I promptly gave *sloppy wet kisses* as part of her good night.

I do this frequently (flirting is "safe" on twitter) to both men and women, but for some reason my tweet last night resulted in the following exchange from @MattManWIR:

His timing couldn't have been better - I had just read an article titled "Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations" (linked on twitter by @danteshepherd) that talked about people's need to label sexuality as either or - either straight or gay/lesbian.

I've talked about my sexuality on this blog before. When people demand I put myself in a box, I (begrudgingly) go with bi-sexual. I say begrudgingly because I don't like labels ... AT ALL. And as I spend some time toying with the idea of becoming comfortable in my own skin, I've discovered I hate them even more.

Way back when, Lynn (Real Live Lesbian) wrote a post about being "Fashionably Bi" I remember the post well. My comment was:

I think there *is* a "fashionably bi" segment of the population. My experience is that they tend to be women (generally under 30) who know this is a turn-on for men AND women and since society is far more accepting of it, they "toy" with it for a period of time.

I also think there is a rather significant population of women generally over 30) who fall somewhere in the 4/5 range of the Kinsey scale, but who have "settled" for a heterosexual relationship to meet the traditional wife/mother expectations of society.

For those of you not familiar with the Kinsey Scale, it is based on the notion that sexuality is not all either/or - that there is fluidity in sexual preference rather than nice, neat little boxes that everyone fits in to.


Me? I'm a 3 ... and I think I'm a pretty true 3. Just as I am not attracted to people of a specific race/ethnicity, neither am I attracted to people of a specific gender. I can love, care for and be passionate with men and women ... equally. Although I have had long-term relationships with women in the past, the last 20 years I've confined myself to the heterosexual side of the scale.Yes, attitudes surrounding sexuality have become much more open in the past 20 years, but being straight is still a lot easier than being gay/lesbian/bi.

So, why did I have such a strong reaction to Matt's "Why don't you just become a lesbian?" question?

Two reasons ...

One, I don't think one "becomes" a lesbian. I know ... I know ... it's semantics, but I found it bothersome that someone I consider a dear friend had (or at least appeared to have) such archaic views on sexuality (this is where Matt will tell me I am one of those people who take twitter too seriously *shrugs*).

Two, I'm not a lesbian. If you want to label me or put me in a box, at least get the right damn label/box. This is not a phase (I've been this way as long as I can remember), I am not confused (at least not about my sexuality, but I am confused by why others seem so confused by it) and this isn't an excuse to be promiscuous (although I believe a polyamorous relationship would better suit me, having more partner options does not make me more promiscuous). I am bi-sexual and don't need to "become" anything else.

Now, all of that said, I do think Matt has a point - I need to stop confining myself to the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale and be more open to where my true sexuality lies.

It's all part of becoming comfortable in my own skin ...

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If It's Not One Thing, It's Several

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I watched TLC's Sister Wives this week. I'm not usually a fan of TLC's "over the top" shows - in fact I get stabby just hearing the names Kate Gosselin and Michelle Duggar - but Sister Wives? I've become a groupie.

I don't think polygamy is for me, but that stance has little to do with the institution (laws) of marriage and much to do with what I perceive to be the inequity of power in a polygamist relationship. I don't care if Kody Brown has 15 wives, I just wouldn't want to be one of them.

I do have a fascination with polyamory - the practice, desire, or acceptance of cultivating more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and felt consent of everyone involved - consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.

I know I have at least one reader who has been a part of this lifestyle (and is no longer), and several readers who are practicing swingers (a lifestyle I used to think was completely different than polyamory, but now realize shares some similarities). I believe the idea of loving more than one person at the same time is far more common than many think, but I also believe most put their "societal norm filter" on and quickly condemn those who do.

I know the idea that love doesn't have to be specific to your one, life--long partner disturbs some of you and I'm OK with your judgment opinion, but think about it for a minute.

As I watched Sister Wives, I was impressed with the sense of community the Brown's appear to have. The kids work together for the common good of the family, the wives work together for the common good of the family. Kody? Yeah ... that would be my sticking point with polygamy. There is that power shift to a male dominated family.

An ideal polyamorous relationship offers that same sense of community - that same cooperative environment - without the power shift. Yes, I did say ideal and I realize finding that ideal would be challenging, but ... but ... oh hell! Let me have my fantasy!

One of the things I find bothersome about Sister Wives is this concept that they must keep their polygamist lifestyle secret (don't get me started on the inconsistency of having a show on TLC and keeping the lifestyle secret). The kids live in a bubble - attending a community school with other children of polygamist families. They've learned not to talk with anyone outside of the polygamist community.

That is sad.

When are we, as a society, going to accept that love and commitment are not one-size-fits-all propositions? That people can (and do) love differently? That embracing differences is far more constructive that fighting or "tolerating" them?

Maybe the answer is to give all people the "special" legal rights that only traditional marriage provides - just do away with marriage entirely.

Somehow, I don't think moral anarchy would ensue.

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TMI Tuesday

1. How old were you when you first kissed a boy?

I was ... *drum roll* ... 15! I know, hard to believe, but understand that I was a chubby, tomboy, eyeglass wearing band geek that boys didn't show much interest in, even though I did have a 36C bust line by the time I was 13. You'd think the boobies would have gotten me a kiss, but I think the boys were scared!

2. Who would play you in the movie of your life story?

Hmmmm ... I think I would chose Jamie Lee Curtis. She's pretty darn real, and definitely HAWT!












3. What is the number one thing your love/hate about gay people?

This is a really strange question! I don't love/hate anything specific about gay people, but there are behaviors in ALL people that I love/hate. I don't know, but the last time I checked these behaviors were not specific to sexual orientation.

4. If you could legally get married to "the fella" - or any fella - would you?

Color me confused (is there a color for that? Maybe chartruse??)! I don't get this question, so I'll just answer one regarding marriage. If given the opportunity, I would definitely explore polyamory (no, not polygamy). Stop crinkling your nose at the computer, it will give you wrinkles. I've alway thought it unreasonable that one single person should be expected to meet all of my relationship needs. Polyamory just makes more sense to me - then I could have a "husband" and a "wife"!

5. Have you ever worn short short shorts in public?

At my age, unless you are Tina Turner, that's just sooo not OK, and when I was younger I was FAT, so no short shorts on this chick!

Bonus (as in optional): Who is your favorite blogger?

Anyone who has been reading me for a while knows that I have a well publicized blog crush. Remember this HNT shot? Matt-Man over at Bagwine Ruminations makes me weak in the knees on a daily basis, and it takes quite a man to make that happen. If you are a bleeding heart liberal fan of satirical wit that shows no political, religious or sexual preference, and you haven't been to his blog, where have you been? You can get there by clicking [HERE].