My dad died Tuesday, December 5th.
Before you leave a sympathy/condolences comment, know that this situation isn't a daddy's little girl lost her daddy thing. My dad was not a good person for most of my life. He was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to an extent that it has negatively impacted who I am, and how I feel about myself, to this day.
I actually learned that he died from his "girlfriend" (he had recently rekindled a friendship/relationship with a high school classmate via Facebook). After not hearing from my dad for 12 hours (really out of character for their relationship) she called the sheriff's department and had them do a well-being check. He had gone to bed and just never woke up.
My initial reaction was shock? Confusion? I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this information. There was business to take care of so I took care of the business.
In the weeks since, there have been a few times that I cried - he was my dad no matter how horrible he was at being my dad. Decades ago I came to grips with the fact that he wasn't intentionally a bad person/father - he just didn't know any better. That said, I never had much of an emotional connection with him. I couldn't. It wasn't safe.
I feel a bit guilty because I am not overcome with emotion over his death. It seems like I should be. Most people are when they lose a parent, right? Maybe it will hit me at some point? I don't know ...
If I had to sum up the experience? I'd say that I learned a lot about what needs to be done when you are alive so that when you die people aren't left trying to put pieces together (my dad did not do what he needed to when he was alive).
I'd also say that his death has given me closure. I don't have to worry that he will hurt me again - he can't - and that is a huge relief.
