My Name Is Dana And I Am A Project 365 Quitter

Photo Credit

By now, most of you have at least heard about Project 365, and a lot of you have probably attempted one yourself.

I took on my first Project 365 (Dana Does Digital) in 2010. I made it through the year, taking (and usually posting) a picture a day. It was, at times, more painful than accidentally chewing on a piece of aluminum foil. 

I vowed to never do one again ...

Until 2012.

Suddenly, it seemed like a good idea (I'm guessing this is a similar phenomena to the one that allows people to have more than one child).

41 days into the 2012 project, I quit.

There were several reasons why I quit, but it really boiled down to setting unrealistic expectations (for myself and the project) and feeling like a failure when I didn't meet those expectations. 

I'd rather quit than fail to meet my unreasonable expectations.

What's that you say? That attitude is a little self-defeating??

Yeah ... well ...

I really do like the Project 365 premise, but how do I get past the must-take-one-excellent-photo-each-day-and-post-it-that-same-day-with-some-witty-banter-attached-or-I-am-a-failure mentality?

I set lower reasonable expectations.

1. I will remind myself that for me, this endeavor is less about the quality of the photos and more about the memories. It's just another means of documenting a period of my life, and I give myself permission to post crappy, unedited photos.

2. I will not start my Project 365 on January 1st. I hate New Year's resolutions almost as much as I hate Jell-O, yet for some reason I decide it's a good idea to start my Project 365 on January 1st? Pffffttttt! I'll start when I want to (I am such a rebel).

3. I will take at least one photo every day, but I will give myself permission to miss a day (or several) of posting a picture to the Dana Does Digital blog, catching up when I can. I will not invite needless guilt into my life by beating myself up over it "not really counting as a Project 365 blog" if I don't post to the blog daily (and yes, this was the the single issue that contributed most to my decision to quit this year after only 41 days).

4. I will use technology to my advantage. I have installed 365 Photo App on my phone and will use it, without fear of judgement, to capture moments in time. I will approach this project as an artist (in the loose, artsy-fartsy sense) rather than as an aspiring photographer, using all imaging resources available to me.

I think I've really limited my success with this project by setting cumbersome and arbitrary rules for what Project 365 should or should not be.

Some might say the practice of setting cumbersome and arbitrary rules of what  should or should not be has crept into more than just my Project 365 life.

Maybe there is a lesson here *smirk*

I'll let you know when I start the project again.

Expectations

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Some times I wish I could ...

But most of the time I know that we get what we expect,
and expecting nothing leads to getting nothing.

Maybe I am doing this more than I'd like to admit.

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Saturday Mini-Rant

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... or when completing tasks to show your love
becomes an expectation ...

Y'all know that I do most everything to keep this house running (if you need a refresher, you can find it [HERE]). Now, don't get me wrong. I actually like doing these things for husband. It is just one way I can show my love for him and for the family. The problem comes when I am "scolded" for not completing said tasks. This becomes quite clear when a discussion like this one occurs on a Saturday morning.

Husband: I need Q-Tips
Dana: I know, I forgot to pick them up at the market last week. I'll get them this time.
Husband (completely out of right field): I just want to toss that laptop. You don't do anything else.
Dana: And you don't do anything other than watch TV, but I don't give you grief.
Husband: But I still manage to get EVERYTHING done that I need to do.

Clearly, my use of the laptop is to blame for missing an item on my mental shopping list. I remembered all 67 of the other items, but the laptop sucked the Q-tips right out of my brain. Oh, and never mind the fact that he works less than 1/4 mile from a Walgreen's (something we don't have in town) and he likely drives by at least seven others every day, It was on my grocery list and I didn't get it and he shouldn't have to get it himself!

In case you don't know me well, this is where I just shut down. I look at his argument (Which, for the record, is ridiculous because his EVERYTHING is to shower, drive to work, then drive home. All other tasks fall squarely on my shoulders) and realize I have two options - let it go, or escalate it. In this house escalating it is a BAD idea. So I let it go.

Now, I will actually bring this back up later in the day because I think it's time for some resolution of some sort. This is an issue (for him) that comes up again and again. I believe it's more of a control issue than anything else. He doesn't know what I do on the computer and that makes him quite insecure, but I've had enough of the guilt crap.

I love doing things for my family when they are appreciated, not when they become demands and expectations. Is that wrong?

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Sunday Secret

I have unrealistically high expectations of myself, and unrealistically low expectations of others. This way, the only person who ever disappoints me is ... well ... me! I wish I could find a way to lower my bar and raise theirs - I think it would hurt far less to be a little more disappointed in others and a little less disappointed in myself.

What is a Wife?

I've been contemplating this question lately. My current circumstances would indicate that a wife is someone who:

• cleans every room in the house
• does laundry weekly (folding, hanging and putting it all away)
• makes sure that no one runs out of toothpaste, deodorant, batteries, or any other item one might potentially run out of
• maintains the household finances, accounting for every dime spent
• checks homework, makes dentist and doctor appointments, takes care of the sick and makes lunches
• puts in a 12-hour working day (including commute), but who's job isn't interesting enough to merit discussion.

You'll notice there is nothing in that list that indicates a partnership or friendship, let alone romance. That is because in my capacity as wife (as I have defined it), none of those exist. I was a single mom for seven years, and my life as a single mom was much like my life now, minus one 43-year-old man-child and a big ass house that always needs cleaning. How did I let that happen? Why did I let that happen?

I'd love to blame this all on someone else, but *I* am at least partially (fully?) to blame. For many reasons, I honestly believed that my value in a marriage was so minimal I *had* to do all of these things in order to compete as wife material - that no one would have me if I didn't offer services above and beyond what normally would be expected. At some level, I believed that if I did more, if I made everything "perfect" (or darn close to it), I would become magically deserving of love. Guess what? That didn't work out too well for me.

In fact, I've dug myself a huge hole by setting the expectations far above what is reasonable. Try as I might to renegotiate, I am reminded that I am attempting a bait-and-switch - I advertised "goods" before marriage, I better damn well be delivering those goods after the marriage.

So here I sit, in a state of numbness. I muddle through the daily routine but have little emotional attachment to any of it. Each day is identical to the last - weeks and months morph into one big blur. I can't imagine living the next 40 years of my life this way - I won't live the next 40 years of my life this way. I've created this mess and now it's time to clean it up ... again ...