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... or when completing tasks to show your love
becomes an expectation ...
... or when completing tasks to show your love
becomes an expectation ...
Y'all know that I do most everything to keep this house running (if you need a refresher, you can find it [HERE]). Now, don't get me wrong. I actually like doing these things for husband. It is just one way I can show my love for him and for the family. The problem comes when I am "scolded" for not completing said tasks. This becomes quite clear when a discussion like this one occurs on a Saturday morning.
Husband: I need Q-Tips
Dana: I know, I forgot to pick them up at the market last week. I'll get them this time.
Husband (completely out of right field): I just want to toss that laptop. You don't do anything else.
Dana: And you don't do anything other than watch TV, but I don't give you grief.
Husband: But I still manage to get EVERYTHING done that I need to do.
Clearly, my use of the laptop is to blame for missing an item on my mental shopping list. I remembered all 67 of the other items, but the laptop sucked the Q-tips right out of my brain. Oh, and never mind the fact that he works less than 1/4 mile from a Walgreen's (something we don't have in town) and he likely drives by at least seven others every day, It was on my grocery list and I didn't get it and he shouldn't have to get it himself!
In case you don't know me well, this is where I just shut down. I look at his argument (Which, for the record, is ridiculous because his EVERYTHING is to shower, drive to work, then drive home. All other tasks fall squarely on my shoulders) and realize I have two options - let it go, or escalate it. In this house escalating it is a BAD idea. So I let it go.
Now, I will actually bring this back up later in the day because I think it's time for some resolution of some sort. This is an issue (for him) that comes up again and again. I believe it's more of a control issue than anything else. He doesn't know what I do on the computer and that makes him quite insecure, but I've had enough of the guilt crap.
I love doing things for my family when they are appreciated, not when they become demands and expectations. Is that wrong?
Husband: I need Q-Tips
Dana: I know, I forgot to pick them up at the market last week. I'll get them this time.
Husband (completely out of right field): I just want to toss that laptop. You don't do anything else.
Dana: And you don't do anything other than watch TV, but I don't give you grief.
Husband: But I still manage to get EVERYTHING done that I need to do.
Clearly, my use of the laptop is to blame for missing an item on my mental shopping list. I remembered all 67 of the other items, but the laptop sucked the Q-tips right out of my brain. Oh, and never mind the fact that he works less than 1/4 mile from a Walgreen's (something we don't have in town) and he likely drives by at least seven others every day, It was on my grocery list and I didn't get it and he shouldn't have to get it himself!
In case you don't know me well, this is where I just shut down. I look at his argument (Which, for the record, is ridiculous because his EVERYTHING is to shower, drive to work, then drive home. All other tasks fall squarely on my shoulders) and realize I have two options - let it go, or escalate it. In this house escalating it is a BAD idea. So I let it go.
Now, I will actually bring this back up later in the day because I think it's time for some resolution of some sort. This is an issue (for him) that comes up again and again. I believe it's more of a control issue than anything else. He doesn't know what I do on the computer and that makes him quite insecure, but I've had enough of the guilt crap.
I love doing things for my family when they are appreciated, not when they become demands and expectations. Is that wrong?
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26 comments:
Its a quick and slippery slope from doing something thats appreciated to it becoming an expectation.
A few years ago at work, we were having a tough week, so my boss asked me to grab some bagels on the way in.
2nd week also tough, so more bagels were bought.
3rd week I was out on Friday, so no bagels. I came back on Monday to 46 emails asking about the bagels.
LOL at ASM's comment about the bagels.
Your husband is ridiculous. I really think my temptation would be to continue to forget the q-tips unless I used them myself and then I'd buy them, hide them, and throw the whole fucking box at him when he brought it up again. :P Passive aggressive, right? LOL
At least he doesn't require that you wipe his tushy when he goes bam-bam.
Get him a pacifier and some diaper rash cream while you're at it. Maybe he'll be less cranky.
No, you're not wrong! Your husband sounds like an ungrateful man...
Hope you are otherwise having a good weekend :-)
You are 1oo% right. It seems your husband is ungrateful.
It sort of reminds me when I cook or bake something for my dad and step-mom and they ALWAYS give me suggestions of what I should do next time to change what I made. I hate it.
Buy the Q-Tips. Take them out of the package. Remove all the fuzzy little ends. Put them back into the package.
When Mr Ungrateful asks about them, look shocked and say, "Oh, did you want ones with cotton on the ends too?"
Dana there's more to it! It's not about the Q-Tips or that you didn't get them. The computer reference isn't about the computer or really what you are doing on it.
I'm just an outsider who gets to have a glimpse of you with your words.
Your discussion with your husband sounded very similar to one I had with my wife last month. Mine was how I forgot to stop by the store after work and pick up items needed for dinner. My computer came up also and a few other things but it wasn't about any of those. She felt I didn't make her my priority.
I hate to say it, but she was somewhat right. There are areas in my life I demand perfection of myself but to my family, I assume forgiveness of my shortcomings.
I hope you don't shut down and will try to find the real source of the feelings.
ASM, I guess I just never thought I'd see it happen in my own home.
FF, you do passive/aggressive quite well *wink* but I do like your solution.
Anndi, don't be too sure of what all he requires!
Humban, I'm sure some would say I'm an ungrateful wife. It is his income that allows us to live in a nice house in a "nice" neighborhood. Unfortunately, I'd rather have someone who cherished me more than he cherishes the house.
Karen, see? What is wrong with people. Attempt something nice and you get crap in return.
Jeff, ohhh! You do passive/aggressive well too!
I don't think you're wrong at all.
My mom often forgets one or two things on her mental check list when going to the store. I'd bitch at my dad or a sibling if I ever was around and heard one of them say something like that being so ungrateful. Tell your hubby it takes 5 minutes to stop in that Walgreens he passes and Q-Tips are pretty inexpensive. ;)
The laptop is probably a control issue too. Don't let him make you feel guilty.
Have a good weekend darlin'. :)
Yeah, I think he is right! I think he is always right...I mean, seeing as he can't go himself because he has no money and his legs are broken and he has epileptic seizures just about anywhere...and lets not forget the onset amnensia where he may get lost coming back home or getting to the store to begin with....
...oh? You mean he does have money to buy them on his own?
.....I is sorry...I did not know...
"Now, don't get me wrong. I actually like doing these things for husband. It is just one way I can show my love for him and for the family.....I love doing things for my family when they are appreciated, not when they become demands and expectations. Is that wrong?"
a few thoughts here, hope you do not mind.
What would his reaction be if you skipped the computer time one night a week and gave your undivided attention to home life? If he feels that is your priority and you took that out of the picture maybe he would shut off the tv too and you could make progress in your home life?? (don't hit me yet!, just a thought!)
Unconditional love (that is the goal that we all strive for isn't it?) does not expect anything in return,it's better to give than recieve etc..if you are giving expecting appreciation, etc.. it is not truly giving. It seems to work better for me if I give with nothing expected in return, then anything (appreciation and such) I recieve back is a gift and treated as such. If I/you give with strings attached it ruins the gift.
But my other thought on this is much less mature and I think that your jerk of an excuse of a husband can put his big boy britches on and get his own damn q-tips!
I agree that he can drive himself to the store to get the dang Q-tips if he wants them that bad. However this comment, "He doesn't know what I do on the computer and that makes him quite insecure" probably has something to do with his frustration as well. Looks like I'm not the only one with problems at home. If your husband had a blog, I am sure he would comment to defend himself.
Oh yeah. I want everything I do to be appreciated. Whether it be something that is expected of me or not.
And to use 'how you use your time' on your computer against you is a nasty and insecure method. Reminds me an *awful* lot of my ex husband.
*hugs*
I say you do bring it up again, but try to do so in as non-confrontational way as possible.
Al, I appreciate the input and believe you are right. I would say my greatest frustration comes from knowing that I can do 150 things "right," and have them go unnoticed, but the first time I do something "wrong" it is verbalized again and again.
Amorous, honestly, I think the Q-tips AND the computer are control issues!
Flyinfox, you crack me up sometimes!
Snugs, I've tried the "put the computer away" plan, and not just for a day - but for each evening for a week. Husband sat in his chair watching TV. As Al said, it really isn't about the computer.
The issue surrounding unconditional love is an interesting one. I don't expect acknowledgment for doing the things I do, but I also don't expect condemnation should I forget an item on a shopping list.
Gottaluvme3, had you actually read my blog instead of visiting just to check up on your husband's comments, you'd be quite aware that there are issues in my home, but using my situation to defend yours? Apples and oranges!
Vixen, I've got to bring it up again. It's a topic that comes up again and again, but really is far more about insecurity than anything else!
Yes I read your blogs....I read others blogs too, whether he leaves comments or not. I like to see what others have to say as well, believe it or not.
"I'd rather have someone who cherished me more than he cherishes the house."
Wow. Been there, done that, got the tshirt, and wore it 'til it fell apart.
I'd be so tempted to ask him to list all of the "everythings" he has to get done.
OK....I'm going to hit publish!
I got to say I'm amazed at how much you talk badly about your husband here. And the fact that he can't defend himself bothers me more than is any of my buisness. Also the fact that most commenters stick by you in this attack of your husband, again without him being able to defend himself against all these people who are siding with you. We're only hearing your opinions of your personal life with this man. I think it's very unfair of you to ask if something is right or wrong with you and your husband. Who the hell are we to know what your life with this man really is. All we get is what you tell us. Only a fool believes there is one side to a story. After all this time reading and commenting on your blog, I must say, I feel sorry for your husband, no matter how good or bad this guy is, NO ONE deserves to have their private life trashed over the internet.
Just saying!
Biscuit, He'd tell you he earns 2/3 of the household income, he doesn't need to do anything else.
Micky, I don't think any of my reader's are foolish enough to think they are hearing the whole story. I am certainty not perfect, nor do I claim to be. This blog is my personal (albeit public) diary. I cannot give anything but my side of the story, however biased that might be.
As far as feeling sorry for him, that is certainly your prerogative, as is defending him in his absence *shrugs*
show him the blog - let him see what it is that is bothering him - your office is already on to you why not your home as well...Micky T is right - you muster all this support but for what? If mister 2/3 of the income had any sense your 1/3 would be out the door q-tips and all.
DB, actually, you might be surprised to learn that I am considering doing that very thing! As far as "your office is already on to you why not your home as well"? There's nothing to be "on" to - I blog - nothing more. I don't blog on company time and I don't write anything derogatory regarding my employer.
wow, do you really feel safe showing the blog to your husband?Please be careful if you tell him that you have 911 on stand by, if even part of what you have shared about him is accurate I would be really scared for your safety.
People that are on their own or everyone elses blogs all day during the work day commenting would not be tolerated at my workplace; that is considered theft of time and why so many companies have been forced to do as your company did last week.
That pisses me off too, when things aren't appreciated and when things are just expected.
I find it happens in my household with the kids. They are still young enough though where I still drill it in their heads that they need to be appreciative of the things they have or it can just as easily be taken away.
Nope. Not wrong at all. Time to grab Cam and leave for Thanksgiving. You can send him a box of Q-Tips from the road!
I just bought a case of like 1500 from Sam's.
Shall I gift wrap them and send them right up??
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