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What has happened to neighborhoods? To the small town benefit of everyone knowing who your kid is and looking out for them? To parents speaking to parents when they see kids doing things they know the parents wouldn't possibly think were appropriate?
In my Friday wrap-up, I mention that Cam was suspended from school for a zero tolerance issue. In a nutshell, Cam "found" (ummm ... OK ...) a lighter and decided a little game of show-and-tell at the bus stop was appropriate. Cam and I leave the house at the same time - he has 5-10 minutes of unsupervised time at the bus stop - and apparently he decided this was his best use of time.
That night, one of the three other kids who wait at that bus stop informed their parent that Cam was playing with a lighter that morning. All three of these kids live within one block of my house. I know them all and have met their parents on at least one occasion. With this information in hand, the parent decides it is much more appropriate to call the school principal and inform him of the lighter issue than it is to come knock on my door to inform me.
When Cam arrived at school the following day, he was immediately escorted into the Principal's office and physically searched - the lighter was still in his pocket. Both of his lockers (regular and gym) were searched. Fortunately, nothing was found in either of his lockers. In my school district, lighters are considered "any object that could cause injury to themselves or other students" and result in an immediate school suspension.
Now mind you, I understand (but despise) zero tolerance policies. I understand that Cam took the lighter, a forbidden item, to school. Cam should have been suspended at that point. What I don't understand is a parent feeling it is more appropriate to report the issue that occurred on a public street to the school principal than it is to address it with the parent - especially when this parent knows me.
Have we really become such a spineless, tattle-tale, passive-aggressive society that we can't talk to a parent about the unacceptable behaviors of their child? Am I in the minority? If I see a child doing something dangerous/wrong (walking in the middle of the street, throwing rocks at cars, etc.) I address the child (in a calm adult manner) and if I know the parents, I will call them as well. I live in a town of 3500 people. Everyone is familiar with everyone else in this community. The fact that this parent decided it was more appropriate for the SCHOOL to discipline my child than it was for me to discipline my child is somewhat disconcerting.
I had several gut reactions to this. My first was to resign my position as PTO president - out of embarrassment and principle. It is likely one of the PTO members is the parent who made the report to the school. I also considered visiting the home of each of the kids at the bus stop to ask the parents to please bring any issue like this to me first, then to the school if they felt I was not addressing it and their child's safety remained an issue of concern.
My final decision? Rather than running away, I've decided my position as PTO president gives me a platform of sorts. I actually have the opportunity to bring my concern to light and address it with the very group of parents who are part of the problem and who have the capacity for change. Will it work? I don't know, but I do know that if I do nothing, nothing will change, and our kids deserve better.
In my Friday wrap-up, I mention that Cam was suspended from school for a zero tolerance issue. In a nutshell, Cam "found" (ummm ... OK ...) a lighter and decided a little game of show-and-tell at the bus stop was appropriate. Cam and I leave the house at the same time - he has 5-10 minutes of unsupervised time at the bus stop - and apparently he decided this was his best use of time.
That night, one of the three other kids who wait at that bus stop informed their parent that Cam was playing with a lighter that morning. All three of these kids live within one block of my house. I know them all and have met their parents on at least one occasion. With this information in hand, the parent decides it is much more appropriate to call the school principal and inform him of the lighter issue than it is to come knock on my door to inform me.
When Cam arrived at school the following day, he was immediately escorted into the Principal's office and physically searched - the lighter was still in his pocket. Both of his lockers (regular and gym) were searched. Fortunately, nothing was found in either of his lockers. In my school district, lighters are considered "any object that could cause injury to themselves or other students" and result in an immediate school suspension.
Now mind you, I understand (but despise) zero tolerance policies. I understand that Cam took the lighter, a forbidden item, to school. Cam should have been suspended at that point. What I don't understand is a parent feeling it is more appropriate to report the issue that occurred on a public street to the school principal than it is to address it with the parent - especially when this parent knows me.
Have we really become such a spineless, tattle-tale, passive-aggressive society that we can't talk to a parent about the unacceptable behaviors of their child? Am I in the minority? If I see a child doing something dangerous/wrong (walking in the middle of the street, throwing rocks at cars, etc.) I address the child (in a calm adult manner) and if I know the parents, I will call them as well. I live in a town of 3500 people. Everyone is familiar with everyone else in this community. The fact that this parent decided it was more appropriate for the SCHOOL to discipline my child than it was for me to discipline my child is somewhat disconcerting.
I had several gut reactions to this. My first was to resign my position as PTO president - out of embarrassment and principle. It is likely one of the PTO members is the parent who made the report to the school. I also considered visiting the home of each of the kids at the bus stop to ask the parents to please bring any issue like this to me first, then to the school if they felt I was not addressing it and their child's safety remained an issue of concern.
My final decision? Rather than running away, I've decided my position as PTO president gives me a platform of sorts. I actually have the opportunity to bring my concern to light and address it with the very group of parents who are part of the problem and who have the capacity for change. Will it work? I don't know, but I do know that if I do nothing, nothing will change, and our kids deserve better.
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34 comments:
This is a tough situation to be in. I feel your pain. My prayers are with you and Cam.
In answer to your question, yes we have become that society. Also please realize that this society does not know how to apologize. My suggestion is that these parents are not really friends or neighbors. They are not looking out after Cam, they are looking out after themselves.
I feel that everyone looked out after each other we would not have to look out after ourselves...we would be well taken care of. But that is me being idealistic.
Exert your authority as PTO Prez. Let them know that now that they have raised the bar, everything will come in question. If any of them has the balls to apologize then take the opportunity of friendship...otherwise, they have set it up to watch out for their own.
File this under, "My Neighbors really don't give a shit" category, and move on....
I think choosing to use your platform is a good way to address it.
I also think---and I know I am speaking in a vacuum regarding the past with these people---that the parent should have called you first and given you the opportunity to address it with Cam and the school.
Yet another fine example of, "The Ninny State" in action. Cheers Dana!!
Flyinfox, I'm not even sure they are looking out for themselves. Honestly? I think this has more to do with "that black kid who lives on the corner" than it does anything else. My reminder to parents at the next PTO meeting will be that sometimes even good parents have children who make bad choices - as adults we can be part of the problem or part of the solution.
Turnbaby, you know, if the parent spoke to me, and I did not address the situation, I can understand the need to escalate. This is a safety issue. But to just go straight to the school and not allow the parent to parent? *shakes head*
Matt-Man, the Ninny State and all of the ninnies occupying it!
I think you may have the platform to make some changes in your community.
Bring these folks together, Dana! I think you're on the right track. Perhaps a little leadership could do your community good.
Next you can run for Mayor. ;)
Good Morning Dana,
They should have contacted you first, unfortunately these days people are taught that the government can solve all our problems and they get the authorities involved in all sorts of things that would be better solved by simple communication.
It will be interesting to read what sort of feedback you get after discussing this with your PTO members.
Real live lesbian said;
"Next you can run for Mayor."
and by 2012 you could be ready for higher office. Can you see any other country's for your porch? You never know, you may not win, but just think of the wardrobe;)
"If you want to be a lightning rod, and save valuable property- prepare to be hit by lightning"...
I do like the way you think. I do hope that you can effect a change, or at least plant the seeds. Good luck.
Dana I totally agree with you it is not like it used to be and that is sad. It's seems like it's everyone for themselves and to hell with everyone else. That's very sad indeed.
The real reason why I hate the zero tolerance (albeit good intentions in the beginning, but got distorted) is that those involved no longer want responsibility to discipline the kids. Bring a plasticware to school? Suspended for violating ZT! Bring an aspirin to school? Suspended for violating ZT! You see the pattern? They do NOT want the responsibility anymore.
USE THAT as part of your platform. Remind people that it's time to go "old school" again and take back the responsibility and then we can function as a blended society instead of a sterile society. I live in a small town too.
RLL, I complain a lot about the behaviors I see from some of my neighbors - I think it's time to do something about it! But Mayor? Ummm ...
Karl, I'm hoping for the best, but realistic that the reception might be frigid. We'll see! And on a clear day, I can see Canada from the hill!
Buff, what's a little lightening among friends??
Zero tolerance policies annoy me.
I agree that the best course of action would be to just go to the parents. Of course, it's gotten so hard to deal with parents anymore too. I know so many of them that are just in such denial that their precious little snowflake would EVER do ANYTHING wrong that they almost become violent at the mere suggestion.
But parents who run to the principal rather than another parent are just whiny little bitches. ;-)
This is so stupid I can hardly comment.
The same issue came up in my daughter's Senior year in High School.
One evening my daughter was at ball practice and had gotten a headache, she had asprin in her car and went out to get some out of her car, she grab a few and had taken a few, she put the 2 extras in her jacket pocket.
The next day she was standing outside of school talking with a fellow student when one of our neighbors and her granddaughter was standing close by seen my daughter reach into her jacket to get her keys and one of the asprins fell on the ground. Now, this neighbor who lives right across street is in everyone business all the time and never hesitates to come over and complain about EVERYTHING going on in the neighborhood an any other time, but this time she walks into the princpals office and makes a claim that my daughter has "drugs" on her person while at school.
My daughter never thought twice about the asprin falling out of her pocket, she picked it up and continued to talk with her friends and when finished she went to her car and came home for the day.
When she walked into the house the phone stared ringing, I picked it up to hear the princpal on the other end asking for my dauther and I to return to the school right away or my daughter would be suspended.
My daughter and I were confused and on the way I kept asking her if something had happen during the day, she kept telling me that all was fine, to us walking into the office and a officer present to search my daughter and she was suspended from school for 3 days and put on school probation with the chance of not graduating all over a asprin.
I believed that it was more over this women wanting to make "ME" not my daughter look bad. Why? because she always compared what my daughter (or any of the other kids) had to what she could afford for her granddaughter, it was a competition to her, who was a better parent or who could afford to buy their child a car first, to all of us neighbors.
Needless to say my daughter graduated and so did the other neighbors kids, but this left alot of strain in our neighborly ways towards her, so much so that she moved the next year. Mostly because she continued to pick fights with the other neighbors over little shit and they all stopped talking to her and her granddaughter. It was sad really for all involved.
I so sorry for Cam and you. I hope that you both become better for it.
NO to ZT. It really is not workable in today's world.
G-Man, I just strongly believe that kids fare far better when everyone is looking out for their best interests. Some of my most valuable life lessons came from someone other than my mom or dad.
Soxyes54, I might even understand this a bit better if we lived in an large city, but a village of 3500 people? There is just no excuse.
Nolens Volens, agreed. ZT allows for whomever to say, "Well, it's [FILL IN THE BLANK] fault." No one has to think - no one has to reason - they can point a finger elsewhere.
My how times have changed.
My senior year I took a cig away from a girl I babysat. She found it on the bus. I broke it & threw it in the trash. Her mother, knowing I smoked, assumed it was mine & called the principal. Had she called my house, she'd have known what happened. Instead, the principal talks to me the next morning...
"Do you smoke?" - Yeah.
"Does your Mom know?" - Yep... wanna call her? (They hated calling her)
"No. You know what happened on the bus?" - Yep, wasn't mine.
"You have yours here?" - Locked in my car!
"Okay, just make sure that's where they stay." - No problem!
End of discussion. Of course there is that whole "you can't punish me because I'll MAKE you call my Mom" deal... and that usually went a long way.
Jay, ZT policies offer people a reason not to think - like they need any encouragement! And I agree, some parents are in denial about their kids' behavior, but my neighbors know better about me *wink*
Cat, in our district, the aspirin would have resulted in EXPULSION for the school year. How idiotic is that??
TRLFTP, *giggle* Now that's a story with a happy ending!
I think bringing it up at the PTO meeting is a good idea. It indirectly confronts those parents that chose to go behind your back and it shows you are not ashamed of the lapse in judgment on the part of your Son AND you've got his back.
Asshats usually take the easy way out. It's easier to 'call' someone in 'authority' and get them to do the dirty work than to call someone and risk a potential confrontation. Of course then the tattletaler feels all superior.People are just too afraid to talk anymore I think. What a shame. Times are always changing and not necessairly for the better. I love your attitude though. Bravo. I hope you don't resign. No one's child is perfect...we shouldn't expect them to be. Keep your head held High!
I really think it is sad nobody watches out for other people's children anymore. If one of our neighbors had seen me with a lighter at the bus stop, they probably would have taken it away from me right then-end of discussion.
That mother should have come to you. There is no excuse for that. I cannot imagine not giving another person the courtesy which I would expect.
I have to agree with the zero-tolerance policy for incidents that happen in the schools...I also have to agree that the parent in question was being a stick-in-the-mud, over-reactor...They should have come to you first.
I don't know the age of the kids who went home and told, but if they are younger, they might have been intimidated by Cam (as he is so much bigger)...but the parent should have had the decency to address the issue with you first.
Well, we don't have zero tolerance here so I can't speak on that.
What I can speak on is being on the shit end of this stick. Parents feeling the need to run to the principal to tell them of something I MAY have said at volleyball rather than just coming to me.
Grow some balls people.
BTW, can't wait till Saturday :)
Lu, it might well go over like a turd in a punchbowl, but no guts no glory!
tt, I've got a lot of superior feeling folks in my neighborhood. Far too many ...
Ambergail77, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have "corrected" Cam's friends when they have been way out of line. I don't do it for the small stuff, but safety issues? Yep! I'm there!
Karen, I agree - I should have been her first stop.
Bond, see, I think zero tolerance is nothing more than an attempt at zero liability. Most of the ZT policies are so subjective and inconsistently applied that they do more harm than good (IMHO). I have no issue with the kids involved - it wasn't their place to address Cam - but the parent? Bad choice.
M, I think many people have just forgotten how to be decent people and give the benefit of the doubt. The first line of communication should ALWAYS be with the parent.
Saturday? What's happening Saturday?? *giggle*
Zero tolerance is the new religion of the School systems. And while zero tolerance removes common sense from the equation of dealing with issues, it's not hard to see how this happened. We are a litigious society.
We all read the paper, right? How often have we read about someone rescuing someone from a criminal and the local Police Chief being quoted about how dangerous this action was and citizens should leave things like saving citizens to the police.
Whatever you want to call it, nanny state, coward state or we don't care and are lazy state. We are letting the government do our dirty work or as I like to call it take our responsibilities away from us.
We didn't reach this sad state of "let the government fix it" overnight. We won't fix it in a day, week or year. The best we can hope for is a generation or so in the future.
Good luck. I think you are on the right path to solving this challenge.
What a load of BS. *sigh* Why is it the ZT policy only comes down on the good ones, and the bad seeds some how pass through.
There is an issue over the "bullying policy" at son's school right now. Of course this child is skating through, as what really is the term meant to be.
BS!
Just another way for the district to hem-haw around. Taking no really action.
Sorry this happen.
It's not just the schools -- it's our whole society! From the very top of the pyramid -- you've got a presidential administration that wants to lock people up in a remote location and torture them to death with no trial because they were in Afghanistan on an October day in 2001. We've learned that it's fun to see people get in trouble. Compassion, supposedly, is a sign of weakness. YES, there are some very bad people in Asia and in the US, but each case has to be weighed on its own merits, and enough of this "prevention" crap. Everybody is going to screw up at some point, and it's just a matter of time before everybody gets put behind bars to keep...somebody, I don't know who...safe.
And oh, do I feel sorry for that little 8-year-old out in Arizona. Imagine such a thing happening even 25 years ago.
Wishing you both strength to beyond this to a better place.
I think your neighbor overreacted. If they were afraid of speaking to you for any reason, (I can't imagine why, you seem very nice), they could have just have left you a note.
I definitely thing your neighbors over reacted.
But GOOD FOR YOU, I agree with your decision to bring it up as the PTO president. You have quite a voice in that dept and it's a perfect opportunity to use it.
That is absolutely ridiculous what they did. It takes a strong woman to hold her ground and congratulations on doing that.
And when did lighters really become contraband? We always had a lighter within reach in high school! As well as the bottle of No-Doz and a box of cereal. Wow things have changed...
Good for you & keeping your PTO position. I agree with Volly's "We've learned that it's fun to see people get in trouble." reference.
I just wonder more specifially about the parent who made the call. Her motives in handling it how she did.
It doesn't seem to me like it was to respond & handle it in the best interest of your son. It seems like it was more about "her" own agenda, possibly.
Sad for her. But good for you and the way you're going forward with it. :)
So, you get suspended for a lighter..
What would you get for a pair of socks?
You do know those can be made into weapons, don't you?
I mean, a couple of rocks in the toes, and WHAM! Instant headache.
I think each and every student caught with a pair of socks on should be suspended as well, for carrying potential life-threatening weapons to school..
Heck, it makes as much sense, to me.
I couldn't agree with you more. It DOES take a village to raise a child. However, our society has become so ME-centered that we don't practice it anymore. This was part of the problem at my previous employer. Those kids were given free reign in their households. They called the shots, not the parents. When I tried to keep them in line, that's when the parents stepped in and told me it was not my job to parent their child. Well, if they did, I wouldn't have to.
My point is, everyone would much rather tattle on everyone else, making it seem like their child/family is perfect, or look the other way; rather than help out with a situation and make all children accountable to all adults, not just the ones in power positions.
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