26 May 2008

Suicide, The Epilogue - Part 9

If you haven't read Parts 1 - 8, you can find them here:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm not sure how long it was after the funeral that we headed back to Washington. I really have no sense of time for the first six months or so after “A”'s death. I remember events, but not when they happened.


You know those 5 stages of grief? Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance? Well I went through them fairly rapidly, even skipping the bargaining stage, but I got stuck – really stuck – in depression. It's described as overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. Boy was I stuck there.

Suicide seemed like a logical choice. It really did. The pain would stop, I would be taking control of the situation, I thought about it a lot. When I wasn't thinking about the best way to take my own life, I was drinking ... and driving. About 3 months after “A”'s death, during one of those many drinking binges, I was pulled over and arrested for DUI.

I had been given so many opportunities for a fresh start over the past two years, and I had ignored them, but this time I paid attention. With a great attorney and a judge who was irritated with the sloppy work of a police officer, my DUI charges were dropped even though my blood alcohol level was in excess of .08, Washington's legal limit. I decided it was time to get my life back on track before I self destructed.


In October of 1990 (9 months following “A”'s death), after several discussions with a recruiter and with my uncle who was a colonel in the Army National Guard, I enlisted in the U.S. Army as a Preventive Medicine Specialist. It was a decision that likely saved my life. All of the illegal activities that “A” and I had been involved in never came back on me – the only challenge to my enlistment was the DUI, but once that was clear I was free to enlist. The Army gave me an opportunity to heal – it was a time where I didn't have to make any decisions – they were all made for me. It was the best course of action I could have taken and the one that really set me on a path back to a more productive life.

There have been plenty challenges along the way, some were dealt with, some just went away.
  • There were over $24,000 in medical bills for the 48 hours that “A” remained alive. The hospital did reduce my financial obligation, but I was never able to pay in full. Those bills remained on my credit report for 7 years.
  • 4 months after “A” died, I received a notice from the city that a warrant had been issued for “A”'s arrest for failure to appear in court on the charges stemming from the crash. I sent them a copy of his death certificate with a letter explaining that it might be difficult for him to appear in court.
  • I received a bill from the condo landlord for carpet replacement and bio-hazard clean-up costs to the tune of $2300. I wrote him a letter asking if there was some kind of payment arrangement we could make. He wrote me back telling me he would take care of it.
  • Years later, after leaving the Army, I would find myself back in Minnesota due to a job transfer. Parking tickets that I had received when “A” and I lived in the condo bit me in the ass when I went to get a Minnesota Driver's License. Fortunately, the statute of limitations had passed and I was not required to pay them.
  • When I sold my house in Minnesota and moved to Chicago, I sent (anonymously) a $5000 money order to the restaurant where I embezzled the money. I included a short note saying this money was restitution for events that happened many years ago, but never gave any indication as to who I was or what it was for.

Certainly, there are many ways “A”'s suicide impacted me. The most destructive? I now choose relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable to me. This is a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, I don't have to worry about ever experiencing the pain of loss the way I did with “A” I can't love someone that deeply if they are not available for me to love. But, that also means that I have not allowed myself to love anyone like I loved “A.” I made it through that pain once – I really don't believe I could make it through that type of loss again. I build walls – very tall walls – around my heart and if I feel emotions are getting through, or over, the wall I run – FAST.

Yes, I realize this is no way to live. I realize just how self-destructive it is, but I'm not willing to let it go yet. I'm not willing to trust anyone with my heart the way I trusted “A.” I hope to be able to do that some day.

On the good side? Well, once you've been through something like this, very little can compare. Minor inconveniences are just that, minor. I am not intimidated by challenges like going back to school, starting new jobs, or juggling tight finances. I've been through worse – much worse – and I made it out alive. If I lost every one of my material possessions today, I know that I would be fine. I'd make due – I'd get through it. When compared to “A”'s death, nothing seems overwhelming.

I do think that after 20 years, I have managed to make it through that 5th stage of grief – acceptance. Making this story real by publishing it on my blog has brought me closer to forgiveness – forgiveness of myself for the things I did – the people I hurt – the signs I missed – the life I watched self-destruct. I hope that once I allow myself that forgiveness, I'll be ready to lead the life I deserve instead of continuing to punish myself for the “should haves.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

46 comments:

MrRyanO said...

Hi Dana. I just want to thank you for sharing this story. It was very personal and I'm sure very tough at times to write out. I've never experienced anything like this and I am amazed at how well you dealt with it.

Anonymous said...

An amazing story. I really enjoyed learning more about you. I am sorry you went through that though and can't even fathom such a loss, but it is part of you now.

You know how you said you close up your heart to others? I'm the opposite for some reason. I'm TOO open and too quick to fall. Wonder why that is.

I think it's very cool btw that you sent that 5k to the restaurant. :)

ImpishEyes said...

Dana,

I've stumbled upon your blog from an unlikely place. I read your story of Suicide from start to finish, in the correct order. I sit here crying. For you, for your husband, and for myself. I lost my father to suicide 6 years ago this summer. He was three days shy of his 40th birthday. He and my mom were divorced, he remarried, however, they were always in love. My father did the same thing your late husband did, he shot himself.

I feel for you, that you had to ultimately make the choice - I could easily see myself angry at being put in such a position. "If he had wanted to do it, he should have done it right the first time" would have been something that went through my head. Maybe not rational, but anger, guilt, sadness, they consume you.

My father was in the United States Navy, and after he died, received a letter from the president (or so it was signed) about our loss and his serving his country. After it was discovered how he died, they demanded the letter back. It was never returned to them and they didn't make a second demand.

I haven't read much else on your blog, but you're now in my links. I think you're an amazingly strong person, and you've come a long way.

It takes a lot to own ones mistakes, admit them, and most of all, share them with not only strangers, but people we love.

Best,
Kate

buffalodick said...

Quite a life journey- one that gave you a perspective on many aspects of living some never get to see... I truly hope you are better for getting this out of you- and behind you... Best wishes for a brighter future, starting right now!

Dana said...

RD, I'm glad you enjoyed the story - it was difficult to get through, but worth the effort.

FF, I needed to try to "right" the "wrongs" that I committed. For me, it was part of the healing process.

ImpishEyes, I'm glad you found me, no matter how you got here. I'm sorry to hear about your father, but glad you were able to find some comradery (?) in my story. We are stronger for going through this.

Jay said...

A very amazing story. Not many people would have been able to get through all that the way you have. You're a very strong person.

Karen said...

I am still shaking my head that you went through something so life-changing at a young age. Not everyone would be able to come back from that. I am really proud that you shared that story with us.

Michael M. said...

"A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships." - Hellen Keller

You did an outstanding job with retelling your story Dana. I have no doubt that countless others will benefit from your courage, boldness ... and mastery over your hardships.

tt said...

Shoulda..coulda..woulda...
We do that to ourselves so often.
We are so quick to punish 'ourselves' but not others. I haven't figured out how to stop that process.. but I know it's counter productive.
Lifeh as such a learning curve doesn't it!
Live on as best you can doll.
That's all we can do.
{{squeezers}}

Bravo in being able to share this with us. Bravo!

Acrimony said...

Thanks for sharing your story, Dana. *hugs*

Christo Gonzales said...

I hope the best for you

Lu' said...

Yep, should've, could've, would've is no way to live. You need to let go.

As American as Apple Pie said...

The way that you have processed through this is to be commended. I know it hasn't been easy but I hope that you have found some peace in doing so. Thank you for sharing and giving the blogworld a look into who Dana was and what she has become. You are an inpiration that anything can be overcome!

Dana said...

Buff, the life experience, as painful as it was, was really the gift in all of this.

Jay, I sometimes forget just how strong I am!

Karen, looking back on this I can see how it could have easily had a much different outcome. I'm glad it turned out the way it did.

Dana said...

Michael, I'm not sure I'll ever master the hardships, but I do know they've given me a unique perspective on life.

tt, I'm not usually one to get stuck in the "should haves" - this experience has been the exception, likely because the consequences of my actions (or inactions) were so severe.

Tali, you're welcome - I can always use those hugs!

Dana said...

DB, I hope the best for me too, but I also know it will require work on my part.

Lu, I know I do, and I think I'm just about ready to do that!

Apple, one of the best things that has happened with blogging this is that it's no longer the BIG secret of my past. It's out there and it's done.

Knight said...

Just look where you are now after all of that. You are such an impressive person. You certainly have a lot to offer this world.

Unknown said...

My dear Dana, thank you for sharing your story; you have touched me in ways that are too complex for me to explain. You have encountered obstacles and heartache and trauma, any one of which could sink many people. Yet, you’ve dome more than simply survive: you have literally overcome them to become an inspiration to many.

Bless you, my dear friend. Bless you.

The 6 percenter said...

Dana, thanks for sharing this story. You forgot to mention that you saved me from a suicidal slump. :) The actions you took created a change in my life as the healing that took place with those that supported me during that time created the space for my life to open up. But like you, I was dealing with major life experiences (Cancer and tragic death of a sister) and struggled to "get through" or survive the experiences and lessons in life for me. YOU are an amazing woman! "A" probably saved me, beyond your own life.

We all have those things that we did wrong in our lives that hold us back from being who we want to be. Repaying your previous employer was truly an act of WHO you ARE and not something you did. I know how big you are in accountability, so again, what a great demonstration of who you are.

Much love!

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing this story. People need to see that other's have had it much worse than they ever would, so they can appreciate their lives more.

My sister went through many of the same things you did, but it took her much longer to get over it. Her boyfriend died in our front yard and she was 16 and 8 months pregnant. She had run away from home at 14, hitch hicked across the country, was addicted to various drugs in her 20's, lost everything she had and was living in abandoned houses.

This is just so sad and so heart wrenching. I hate you had to go through this and you lost your true love in the process, and I really hate that you can't open yourself to be loved because of it. But believe, I can completely understand why you can't.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I am sitting here on Tuesday after having read Parts 5,6,7,8 & 9 back to back...

You are one incredible woman Dana. If you were not, you would never have written this and published it, and more likely, you would not be with us to do so.

It is so sad you have locked your heart away and i only hope you allow yourself to unlock it soon.

Honestly, I just keep thinking how I would love to give you a huge HUG and thank you for your being.

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

I hardly commented while reading the rest of the entries. And, I wanted to wait until your story had been completed; that chapter, anyhow.

I am sure so many people can relate in so many ways. This was completely tragic for you...

Like a "Life Time" movie that people watch but never believe could be a reality for someone. And, yet, you lived it.

My childhood was, well, spent raising a mother who married too young, had a child too soon, was too head strong and independent and due to that -- made a lot of bad choices, decisions and so forth. Of which, I paid for as well as she.

Once I was old enough, I endeavored on my own to be the person I am (not the child caged in that lifestyle)...and, I went on to live with other family members.

My mom has spent a lifetime to get her own life back. She's doing well now, though, physically her body is worn. But, we have rekindled our relationship...

I don't think she even recalls most of what I had to endure, but it's better that way that only one of us does. It would destroy her now to realize.

I left that child behind a long time ago -- but, she haunts me in my dreams and reminds me to be the best, responsible, loving, available, unselfish parent I can be.

My children are living the childhood I knew I deserved. But, I also teach them that there are others less fortunate...and not to judge another child, because we don't know what they're family life is like at home.

I remind them to be thankful. That little girl from so long ago is healing through living the life of a child through their eyes.

Thank you for sharing...I know your story has touched many.

Dana said...

Knight, I hope I do ... I really hope I do!

Nick, thank you! I know there is still work to be done, but I'd like to think I've come quite a ways from that person I was.

6%, I cannot even begin to tell you how terrified I was during that time in your life. All I could think of was how was I going to make this situation better when you were so far away. I'm glad I was able to help and I'm thrilled it turned out the way it did.

Thank you for sharing your story in my comments - it wasn't one I felt comfortable sharing in my blog!

Dana said...

Bina, I really hope this didn't come across as "poor me" - in no way do I feel that way - in fact, I know others have far more trying stories. I do think that I am closer than I ever have been to allowing myself to love again ... at least I hope so!

Bond, as I said to Bina, I believe I'm closer than I ever have been to letting go of the "control" of my heart. Writing this - being honest with my life - is a step in the right direction!

Farmer'sWife, I like to think that I am teaching my son very similar life lessons. Some times there really are great things that come from tragedy.

g-man said...

I saved my comments for the end. First thanks for sharing, I'm glad that you were able to use this as "therapy". I'm glad that you were finally able to get out of that rut and into a new and better place, I'm sorry that it took such a catastrophic event to get you there. I do hope that you forgive yourself.

Anonymous said...

I usually just lurk here, but this series struck a nerve over here.

I hope you find your way, Dana. You certainly deserve all that LIFE has to offer.

Ken said...

Your one tough cookie!
GREAT TO KNOW YOU!

Dana said...

G-Man, I hope I do too ...

Catscratch, thank you for de-lurking *grin* When I started this I thought I'd likely lose people. It's good to see that maybe I've gained a few.

Micky, sometimes I wish I weren't such a tough cookie - or at least that I didn't appear to be such a tough cookie.

Anonymous said...

Dana,

Thank you for sharing your story. You display an admiral sense of inner strength. You still seem a bit "lost" and emotionally disconnected from other poeple, mainly men. Understandable given the circumstances. Have you ever gotten treatment for your depression?

Anonymous said...

Yep. You gained a Diva. I commend you for your bravery and ability to do something I know (for sure) that I couldn't have done....

SURVIVE!


I'm blogrolling you. You're amazing!

Dana said...

Neil, I am one of those people - the ones who find difficulty in seeking professional help - the "I'm fine" folks. I did a short (6 weeks) stint with a counselor when I got back to Washington, but wish I had done more. Our family is now in family counseling and I'll be danged if this isn't coming back up again - 20 years later - and still unresolved.

Diva, YIPPEE! I like being blogrolled!

Anonymous said...

Dana,
I had to read the whole thing before I commented. It's an amazing story. What you have gone through in your short life is more than many ever go through. You've become a responsible mother despite having travelled a dark road. Your husband paid for his actions with his life and you could very well have gone the same route. You picked up the pieces and made something worthwhile out of your life. By your own admission you have a long way to go, but it's clear that you recognize the second chance that was handed you. You have honored "A"s sacrifice as best you could. I bet he would be proud that you got out. Live your life the way you wish he could. Embrace the good within you.

Matthew 12:33-37

FMD

Anonymous said...

Dana, I know I've told you how much I respect you as a person. You minimize it like it's just life but I want to say again - you are truly special. I don't think I could have done it. I know people have said those very words to ME and I always believe that they would have gotten through what I did just fine and that people don't really know what they're capable of doing until they're hit with the situation but I really mean it - I don't think I could have yanked myself back up like you did. I'm so thankful to have you in my life.

Dana said...

FMD, thank you for taking the time to read! I'm not a big believer in "God" or in an afterlife, however I often wonder if he *knows* that I made it through.

Hester, I really do think it's just life. Was it difficult? Yes. Do I think I could make it through something like this again? I don't know. Sometimes I think the thing that saved me was not knowing how deep the pain would go. I'm thankful to have you in my life too - your story is every bit as amazing!

Anonymous said...

Dana,
You've said before that you're not much of a believer, but those particular words in Matthew 12 are more of a universal type of truth. As for whether folks that have passed can actually see you, I don't necessarily think so, but I think that in some cases, our lives would be better if we lived as though "someone" were watching. We might think twice about some of the things we do.

FMD

Kimmie said...

Dana,
I have said many Prayers for you while reading this story. I admire your Courage in telling it. Warm Hugs to you.
Kimmie

mo said...

Wow, I just made it through them all. I can't even imagine. I really appreciate you sharing this and I hope that your doing so helps you move on a bit more. Lots and lots of hugs.

Another Suburban Mom said...

Dana:

Thank you for sharing this. You are incredibly strong to go through all of that and come out on the other side.

You have an enormous amount of respect from me for that.

Adamity73 said...

This story gives me goosebumps, Dana. Never let it be said that the human spirit cannot overcome.

I am sorry that you had to go through all of that. Like you said, though, the silver lining is that it made you a stronger human being. Instead of folding, you fought through the grief and the guilt and the bad feelings.

Good for you, Dana.

Peace.

Sally said...

Dana, I just read your entire post, and I have to say you are an amazing young woman. Truly.

I wish you the best in the future now and always.

Matthew Arnold said...

I lost a good friend, the godfather to my first born daughter, to suicide.
It is amazing the whole it leaves in the lives of the survivors. You always wonder if you could have done something different, even if you couldn't.
Life is difficult, and nobody is perfect, no matter how much we try to portray ourselves as such.
No one is responsible for suicide but the actor. It is not your fault. Feelings of guilt are inevitable anyway, but know this, for all your failings real, or imagined, YOU ARE FORGIVEN. WE ARE ALL FORGIVEN.

Jaimey said...

Got to the end.

Wow! I am so sorry for your loss, even now. I can't even imagine. So many things explained and yet more questions inspired. You have always been someone I knew to be amazingly strong and yet so fragile. And now I get it.

I only wish for you to be able to truly forgive yourself, it doesn't mean you aren't sorry. To be truly free of the burdens of guilt. Hugs, my friend. :0)

Anonymous said...

Dana,

We don't know each other but i feel inclined to share with you. First, i am sorry for your loss. None of us can ever completely know what and how you felt, feel or will feel later about it.

Mostly, thank you for sharing. This took a lot on your part to do. At the least i hope get back what you have shared even tenfold back isn't what you deserve in return. Until a couple of years ago, i didn't understand anything but being someone there to treat the "A"s of the world. Much to think about little to say about some of my own and co-workers behaviour, actions, comments and/or thoughts but forever changed on my part.

For you i hope you can allow yourself to love and be loved again. i wouldn't even begin to suggest that it will not hurt again because that is part of what that kind of love is all about. When you experience all the riches that kind of love brings us, you will have that kind of pain with it. However, we can hold onto the pain and not share what others see and/or saw in us enough to love us like that or we can go and share our love. All a choice.

Anonymous said...

Some of this i share for some of the other reaaders/commenters related to suicide. i have a career that i interact with people in all stages of life. i have found as i get older my viewpoints and interactions have changed. It isn't about what i feel or wish i was at instead but what i can do for you when you call. Wish i could say that was always the case but it hasn't been.

Suicide is a lot of things but the biggest thing is that it is real not fake and not something to disregard or ignore. When i was younger or at least earlier in my life i did not understand suicide. i could tell you the ways to do, what works and doesn't work, how to treat the results of an attempt but that was it.

As i was writing this i realized that Dana wrote her story at the time i came within inches of being someone elses "A". i have seen, experienced the outcomes of suicides, can see how people think it is selfish but until i experienced depression i never really believed it was real. i was as much as anyone one of those peolpe that thought, they were selfish, weak, coward, what ever phrase you would use or hear(and i used most myself). My employer did more than their share to contribute to my depression even as far as ready to charge me with misuse and thief of sick leave while off for treatment of depression to get me back in the work place to demote me. What they didn't know at the time was i wanted to die and tried to kill myself. Lucky for me it wasn't planned at the time because i am a pretty good planner. It was over something really stupid at the time. Also for me at the time i remember everything but it was like i was watching someone else say do think etc all those things as i floated above out of control. Thank God i was out in the middle of basically no where and no unfortunate bystander driving by or whatever at the time. For me the pain and anguish at the time seemed and was more than i alone could handle. Also, that it didn't last long. At most three to five minutes of quiet was all i needed. i thank God for that quiet time too.

Yes after the fact i did see a billboard sign from local mental health agency that said" Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem" But when we try to handle that problem by ourselves we are blinded and out of control. i thank God that he was in control and gave me what i needed to get back in control with His love and guidance.

Sorry if this rambles a little and goes on for awhile. Dana i truly offer you well wishes, hugs and anything else that i can so that you can learn to build smaller walls and maybe just walk away while listening. Small steps first later we can go for no walls, standing still, turning around, walking towards and maybe evening running to.

God bless you for all you have shared. God loves all of us. He gave us His son Jesus so that we can stand with and in God's love even if we don't deserve God's love. We can not see what god sees, we can not control what God controls but we can control if we accept God's love by accepting His gift in Jesus.

gary

Now i am going to give into your control and go back to HNT page for a short second peek.

Anonymous said...

Some of this i share for some of the other reaaders/commenters related to suicide. i have a career that i interact with people in all stages of life. i have found as i get older my viewpoints and interactions have changed. It isn't about what i feel or wish i was at instead but what i can do for you when you call. Wish i could say that was always the case but it hasn't been.

Suicide is a lot of things but the biggest thing is that it is real not fake and not something to disregard or ignore. When i was younger or at least earlier in my life i did not understand suicide. i could tell you the ways to do, what works and doesn't work, how to treat the results of an attempt but that was it.

As i was writing this i realized that Dana wrote her story at the time i came within inches of being someone elses "A". i have seen, experienced the outcomes of suicides, can see how people think it is selfish but until i experienced depression i never really believed it was real. i was as much as anyone one of those peolpe that thought, they were selfish, weak, coward, what ever phrase you would use or hear(and i used most myself). My employer did more than their share to contribute to my depression even as far as ready to charge me with misuse and thief of sick leave while off for treatment of depression to get me back in the work place to demote me. What they didn't know at the time was i wanted to die and tried to kill myself. Lucky for me it wasn't planned at the time because i am a pretty good planner. It was over something really stupid at the time. Also for me at the time i remember everything but it was like i was watching someone else say do think etc all those things as i floated above out of control. Thank God i was out in the middle of basically no where and no unfortunate bystander driving by or whatever at the time. For me the pain and anguish at the time seemed and was more than i alone could handle. Also, that it didn't last long. At most three to five minutes of quiet was all i needed. i thank God for that quiet time too.

Yes after the fact i did see a billboard sign from local mental health agency that said" Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem" But when we try to handle that problem by ourselves we are blinded and out of control. i thank God that he was in control and gave me what i needed to get back in control with His love and guidance.

Sorry if this rambles a little and goes on for awhile. Dana i truly offer you well wishes, hugs and anything else that i can so that you can learn to build smaller walls and maybe just walk away while listening. Small steps first later we can go for no walls, standing still, turning around, walking towards and maybe evening running to.

God bless you for all you have shared. God loves all of us. He gave us His son Jesus so that we can stand with and in God's love even if we don't deserve God's love. We can not see what god sees, we can not control what God controls but we can control if we accept God's love by accepting His gift in Jesus.

gary

Now i am going to give into your control and go back to HNT page for a short second peek.

Aunt Becky said...

You are beautiful.