21 May 2008

Suicide, Are We Home Yet? Part 3

If you haven't read them yet, here are PART 1 and PART 2

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We signed a 6-month lease the next morning and moved what little we had into the small, 2-bedroom home we were renting. The landlord seemed a little concerned, but the house had been vacant for a number of months and he needed the rental income. We had two mattresses, our clothes, a few linens and basic kitchen utensils – everything else had been pawned or sold for drugs before we left San Diego, or left behind when we skipped out that November night.


We hadn't considered that we would also need money to have our utilities turned on, so the new home was without heat, hot water, gas or a phone. With little brother's income from Perkin's, we were certain we could have the utilities turned on in just a matter of days. Now that we had an actual address, it was also going to be easier for “A” and I to secure jobs.


It wasn't long before I got a waitressing position at the local pub/restaurant. I was only working the lunch shift, but the tips were decent and gave us some much needed cash. One of the perks of my job was getting lunch for free. Since most of our cash was now funding our alcohol use, I was able to bring lunch home each day for the three of us to share. The portions were huge, and even though it was just one meal for the three of us, it took the edge off the hunger. At this point, the alcohol was far more important than food, and no one was giving us alcohol for free.


It was during the first weeks of my new job that we had the first issue with the credit card. I went to the local gas station and filled the truck up with gas, got a few food items from the store and went to the cashier to pay. I gave her the credit card. She looked at the card and informed me that they would no longer accept the card for payment. Not only that, but I owed over $400 in charges that had been declined and charged back to the gas station. I didn't have any cash – none – and at the very least I needed to pay for the gas that I had just put in my truck, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to do.

I left the food items on the counter and headed back out to my truck. I knew the clerk was calling the police, but I was out of options. I left, and hid the truck in the back yard of the house we were renting. We had just lost our transportation – this was a small town and the Isuzu truck with the California plates was going to be an easy mark.


When we lost the use of the truck, little brother also lost his job. The Perkin's restaurant was too far for him to to walk, and because of the trouble I was in with the gas station, we couldn't let anyone local know where we lived. I continued working at the pub/restaurant, but the tips weren't covering anything more than beer and a few personal hygiene items. I was stealing food from the restaurant - items that people had ordered but hadn't finished - so that we could eat more than just the meal I was able to bring home "legally." We were still without heat, hot water, gas or a phone.

Rent was due again. There was no way we could pay, nor could I ask another family member for help. We spent that month wrapped in blankets and eating the food that I was able to sneak out of the restaurant. That Christmas Eve, we decided we needed some “normalcy” for the holiday, so after all of the Christmas tree lots closed, we took the truck and stole a Christmas tree. We leaned it up against the living room wall that night and sang drunken Christmas carols. That was about as “normal” as things ever got.


Dispersed through the mayhem, there was a bright moment. I continued applying and interviewing for jobs in the accounting field. One of those applications was at a sports bar - it was a bookkeeping position. I did get the job, but it required quite a commute each day. It was across the border, in Minnesota, so there was less concern about the truck being spotted in Wisconsin, but this was a new restaurant that wouldn't be opening for another 4 weeks.
We continued to just get by, as long as we had our alcohol we were happy, but we knew we had to make plans for another late-night skip. I didn't feel good about any of this, but the landlord was looking for rent and we were no closer to having rent money than we were to having the utilities turned on.

During this time, little brother met a girl and was planning on moving in with her. “A” and I were going to finally be on our own, but where that was going to be remained a daunting question.
I decided to start looking for places to rent in the twin cities. Maybe, if I fudged the truth a bit (deception was becoming second nature), we could get into a new apartment there.

I found a loft condo for rent in the city. “A” and I went to look at the place and it was perfect. It was a huge step up from where we were and it cut my job commute in half. We talked to the landlord – told him we had just gotten into town and that we would like to start renting the following month. He rented to us based on my pending employment and didn't ask for references. All that we needed to do was stay under the current landlord's radar for a few weeks and we'd get that fresh start once again.


This had to be our much needed break ...


33 comments:

Christo Gonzales said...

I am feeling the anxiety welling up.....

Schmoop said...

Holy Cow. This is quite the dark, fascinating sojourn Dana. Have a good day, and Cheers!!

Ken said...

You sure were growing up fast!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I have a feeling it wasn't your big break.

Great job on the writing. I know how hard this is. It takes a huge emotional toll to write stuff like this.

Keep going.

Dana said...

DB, I know there is a lot of background in this story, but it really is critical to understand why the story ends as it does.

Matt-Man, dark ... and it gets darker.

Micky, actually, sometimes I wish I had the knowledge I have now at that time. Things would have been so much different and I might have saved a life.

Dana said...

RLL, I don't know that I''ve written this much in my entire life. The story has been far longer than I thought it would because as I type the memories and emotions just spew. Things I hadn't thought of in over a decade have become clear again - and some of the pain has returned. In a way, I welcome that pain because it means I am feeling again.

Leighann said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.... and something tells me it's not going to get easier.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Dana...this is incredible...there is a screenplay in here...not sure you want your life on the big screen, but it certainly would make a compelling movie.

Dana said...

Leighann, it is hard, but at the same time it feels amazingly good to finally tell the story without editing the *bad* stuff out.

Bond, that's quite a compliment (I think) but I believe the blog will be the final place this story needs to be told.

Knight said...

I like the way you are telling this story in pieces. It gives me time to think about each section. I have to keep reminding myself where you are now so I don't fall into a panic of what will happen to you. I know the outcome but the story is still incredible. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Dana said...

Knight, I really didn't expect the story to be this long, and I may have been able to leave some of this precursory stuff out, but it seems to be helping me to understand why I made the choices I did - something I've not been able to come to terms with even after almost 20 years.

Anonymous said...

When you finish telling your story, you ought to consider getting it published. You have a real way with words.

I feel like I'm watching the story unfold and can almost see you hungry and waiting tables. :-(

Real Live Lesbian said...

It's kinda strange how things that were buried keep bubbling to the top as you write. I had the same thing happen.

It's extremely emotional. Don't rush.

Karen said...

I get anxious for you each time I read these.

Lu' said...

I don't know if your story gave me shivers or the fan I have on at my desk right now. Wow. I gotta say, I dig you Dana. Keep writing babe.

Dana said...

FF, it was not always easy to be hungry and work in a restaurant, and I felt guilty if I ate food that could have been taken home.

RLL, I actually wrote the entire story before posting part 1. It took me quite a while to decide to actually post it to the blog. Writing it was emotional enough, and now I'm reading it too - seeing it through a much different perspective.

Karen, the good news is that you know I'm doing much better now.

Dana said...

Lu, I'm betting it is the fan *wink*

Unknown said...

Dana, I just finished reading the last two installments. I don’t want to speculate about the next, so I’ll patiently wait for it.

Knight said...

Don't leave anything out. I don't want to miss anything. I don't think anybody here reading thinks this is long at all. There is so much to tell.
I had a friend from college that was working at a movie theater and eating stuff people left behind on the floor. I couldn't imagine being in that position. It breaks my heart.

boo said...

I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. Blessings.

As American as Apple Pie said...

My heart goes out to the you from those days...and the you that you have become. That Christmas story just about breaks my heart.

Your writing sure has me captivated as well as captured my heart.

Librarian Lee said...

Excellent writing. I know this is a hard story to tell Dana. I'm so happy you are where you are...you can't know. ~lee

Dana said...

Nick, I'm not sure anyone could speculate where this one goes - I know I didn't see it coming.

Knight, I promise to be forthcoming with the story, but I will say that it's been extremely difficult to include the *bad* things - the illegal things - it's just such a departure from the person I am today.

Boo, the blessing is that I am here to tell the story!

g-man said...

Still glued to my seat so-to-speak. Cant wait to read the rest and have HNT. (like having our cake and eating it too.:)

Dana said...

Apple, that Christmas story is a big factor in my reluctance to celebrate the holiday - even all of these years later.

Lee, this is such a shameful story - really. I cannot begin to convey the disgrace I feel for the things I did.

-- said...

BRAVO. Everybody else has said it above. You pick the best places to stop the story for suspense until the next installment. BRAVO

Dana said...

G-Man, I hope you didn't use super glue!

Cowboy, I never realized just how well this story would leave people hanging. I'm actually surprised there are so many of you continuing to read!

buffalodick said...

I hope these writings are having the desired effect on you getting this all behind you....

Jay said...

"... the alcohol was far more important than food, and no one was giving us alcohol for free."

See, there is where you needed to be in college with me. I managed a pizza joint, so not only did I have food (I traded pizzas for food from people who worked at other restaurants), I could also take a pizza to the staff at a bar and drink there for free. Amazing how clever we can be for all the wrong things, huh? Well, at the time I considered it survival, but I know better now.

Ken said...

I use to ride by the dumpster behind Alpa Beta on my bicyicle before they closed in the dumpsters. They threw food out every day, cakes in boxes, loafs of bread, oranges and anything one day past the sell by date. They would put a slice in the box or bag but it was still good food and I had not the slightest problem bringing it home to our house. Up to nine people at one time all living and sharing in the house!

tt said...

Oh my...*** wringing hands***
I'm going to have to peek through my fingers to read the rest.
Brave,brave girl you are to share this with us.
Is writing this down, puttng it in print helping you in any way?
Amazingly insightful.

Dana said...

Jay, I needed to be in college with you for far more different reasons!

Micky, they call that "free-cycling" now!

Buff, I do to ... I do to!

Dana said...

tt, I don't know if it's helping or not. Ask me in two weeks when I've had time to think about it!