19 May 2008

Suicide, What Is Left? Part I

An odd thing happened back in January – January 18th to be exact. A fellow blogger, Real Live Lesbian, started publishing her very personal story regarding her suicide attempt [Click HERE to read it]. The date was significant – it was the 18th anniversary of the day I decided to let my husband of only 4 months, complete his suicide attempt. After 2 days in the ICU, and confirmation that he was brain dead, I gave the doctors authorization to “pull the plug.” No 24 year old wife should ever have to make such decisions.

This story has haunted me since it began and has had significant impact on the woman I've become. This is not a happily-ever-after story, but it is one I need to make real by finally putting it into my own words. This series of posts will be made out of selfishness – an attempt to clear my mind of some of the guilt that holds me back from living the life I deserve. There will likely be parts of this story that many of you find extremely disturbing, and I may even lose a few of you in the process, but I need to do this for my own sanity.

I've got to start at the beginning – where it all started for me. You may learn some things about me that you don't like – you may find that we have some history in common. I just ask that you read with an open mind and realize that I was a well educated, bright young woman who stepped into this life quite accidentally, but didn't get out of it unscathed. This is the other side of the story – what happens to the people that suicide leaves behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was the summer of 1988. I was 23 years old, living in San Diego, working for a construction company as a bookkeeper, and trying to find my way in life after recently ending a 2 year marriage that was filled with emotional abuse and infidelity. “A” worked for the same construction company. He was a laborer who
came into the office frequently, always friendly and always smiling. He invited me to a party, and although my shyness almost got the best of me, I decided to go. It was at this party that I was introduced to something that would rule my life for the next 18 months – crystal methamphetamine. It would be a love-hate relationship.

My infatuation with “A”, and with crystal meth, was almost immediate. They both gave me a wonderful feeling – a sense that I could accomplish anything. Within 2 months, “A” and I, and “A”'s younger brother, moved in to an apartment together. Our lives were filled work and drugs – we worked to pay for the drugs and we used the drugs to stay awake and “focused” so that we could work. Although “A” had many qualities that I adored, it was the drugs that held us together.

Then the world started to come down on us.
Both “A” and I were fired from the construction company due to our drug use, and our drug use kept us from securing new jobs. We began pawning everything we owned to get money for drugs. Bills were not paid – rent was not paid – but we always had drugs. One day though, as usually happens to addicts, we came to a place where we had nothing left to pawn, we had a 3-day eviction notice posted on our front door, and the repo man was looking for our only vehicle. It seemed we had hit that proverbial “rock bottom” and we decided it was best to take what little we had left and move to Minnesota (the childhood home of “A” and his brother). There, we could have a fresh start – away from the drugs – and we could start our life together clean and sober. It was a plan that would eventually take us to an even lower “rock bottom”

38 comments:

Schmoop said...

Wow...So sad. But your brutal honesty is refreshing. Cheers to you, Dana!!

buffalodick said...

Well, I didn't anticipate that, but if all this helps you get rid of the ghosts- go for it!

Karen said...

Very powerful and honest. I am interested in hearing how you moved from this place to where you are today.

Christo Gonzales said...

wow...a bumpy ride is on the way I suspect.....

g-man said...

I'm glad that you are opening up this way, I hope it helps in all the ways you hope it will. We'll be here.

Acrimony said...

I don't think too many people realize how suicide impacts the other people. I'm sure this will be not only healing, but a wonderfully written representation of the "other" face of suicide.

Dana said...

Matt-Man, it is - I'm afraid - a sad story, but one that is seldom told.

Buff, I'm guessing no one really expected to find this story here today, but I hope they hang around to listen.

Karen, it really is amazing what can happen in 20 years.

Ken said...

I'm listening.

Dana said...

DB, a bumpy ride it is, and one that remains bumpy all of these years later.

G-Man, I don't know if it will help, but it is a story that has never been told in its entirety - NEVER - and it was time to let it go.

Tali, I have often wondered if things would have been different had "A" known what "legacy" he would be leaving behind.

Dana said...

Micky, thank you!

Michael M. said...

Good for you Dana! I applaud your honesty and authenticity. In the on-line world, that is mighty impressive. I'll be reading every word....

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to hearing this story. Good for you for surviving such a time. I hope getting it down and out for the world to read is a healing experience for you.

You obviously did survive and well. So it might not be a "happy ending" but, from what little I know about you, it seems like you've done pretty well.

Unknown said...

I'm sure this will help you in more ways than you can imagine. I've always found that putting things down, re-reading it 100's of times, lesson's the emotional impact that affects our lives so very much from past trauma.

Very brave of you and I can't wait to read more.

Knight said...

I'm glad to see you have decided to share your story here. I'm listening without judgment. I hope writing it down brings some healing.

Leighann said...

This will be quite a ride for all of us.

:hugs:

Biscuit said...

Oh, Dana, your honesty gave me chills and made my hair stand on end.

Dana said...

Michael, this is one of those time when I hope my honesty will not only help me, but maybe - just maybe - someone else too!

FF, surviving is much of what it was for many years - not really living.

Bina, I hope it does!

Dana said...

Knight, I didn't know if I could share this story anywhere, but the veil of anonymity seems to help.

Leighann, it's been interesting writing this - details I had long ago misplaced seem to be finding their way back.

Biscuit, there may be even more of that as time goes on, but for different reasons.

Doc said...

Very honest... I would expect nothign less from you Dana.

Insane Mama said...

you gotta hit Rock bottom in order to see the shit that has become your life.

Librarian Lee said...

I hope everyone hangs around to listen - and, I suspect that your courageous honesty will be very helpful to many. I don't find it selfish at all Dana, I find it vulnerable. That takes guts. I'm so damned glad I know you!

Dana said...

Doc, if it's not honest, it's probably not me! The down side to this is that it's gotten me into more than a little hot water at times ...

Insane Mama, thanks for stopping by! You certainly picked a doosey of a time to do so!

Lee, you said the "V" word! Shame on you! I'm glad I know you too - you were a big part of the inspiration for this project!

Unknown said...

Dana I will commend you for your honesty. Too many of us have skeletons that we push way back into the depths of our closets only to find that those old bones can still rattle every now and again. I am interested to hear your story as I find it is always nice to know how someone got to where they are today and there is always some sort of transformation point. Many of the current friends may not have given us the time of day back when we were that other person. I have been reading a similar story on another blog. There are numerous parts to her story and the reader support has been amazing. I am sure your readers will support you as well.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I am well aware of how an infatuation with a substance can throw a blanket over everything else in your life.

I wrote a three-parter called "The Boy From NYC" that was semi-autobiographical, but held out many details due to family reading The Couch.

I commend you for this...our blogs are our own little 'therapy-zone' and if you lose some readers, they are not worth worrying about.

Looking forward to your continuing story dana

Real Live Lesbian said...

You really are a brave woman. I'm looking forward to hearing more of the other side of the coin.

Dana said...

Amber, as I continue to write this story it's almost as if I'm telling someone else's story. It is so far from where I am today, but could have just as easily been where I remained.

Bond, thank you for your support in this. We'll see where it all falls in the end.

RLL, your perspective will be an interesting one as I continue to tell the story. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging me to revisit this time in my life.

As American as Apple Pie said...

If anyone is truly your friend than you will not lose them. I appreciate your candor and will listen without judgement or unhelpful comments.

tt said...

I wasn't expecting the story to go where it went....gave me the sniffles. Bravo to you for your courage. I'll be hanging on your every word...and looking forward to the rise up above "rock bottom".

-- said...

I am stuck now. Of course I was addicted to your site anyways, but now I am really going to have to check back everyday to hear this one out. I think you are very brave in writing about this, and I hope it helps you heal in the way you need to heal. You are an excellent writer/storyteller, and I enjoy reading your blog.

Dana said...

Apple, although I generally like the person I am today, the process of getting here has been a bit shady at times.

tt, first we've got to get to rock bottom.

Cowboy, what a coincidence! Here I am covering addictions in this very post *giggle* Thank you for stopping by and for the compliments!

Unknown said...

Dana, I applaud and appreciate your courage in sharing your story.

Jay said...

I'm thinking this could be a pretty amazing story.

Patti said...

I come by from Birdy's sometimes, and am so amazed by your willingness to open youself up this way. That line..."what hppens to the people that suicide leaves behind"...is so powerful. I look forward to sharing this story and learning from you!

boo said...

I haven't read Real Life Lesbian's post yet, but I'm going to have to. Thank both of you for talking about suicide. I think it forms more of us than we imagine.

Dana - this is going to haunt me tonight. Your words have a way of burrowing down into my head for the long haul, popping up when I least expect them.

Jeff B said...

I'll be her through the end. I admire a person who is willing to let the truth of their past show through. You'll probably be surprised to find out that their are many others who share parts of what you will describe. Thank you for stepping out and revealing a bit of yourself.

Anonymous said...

No matter where the story goes, I'm here with you. Your honesty inspires mine...

Jaimey said...

how I missed all these posts I will never know. I am riveted already. My mom and dad were meth users, and it ruined mom's life. Dad left it when it started to take over. It is interesting to read it from the users (though post use) perspective...

Legal Momma is now The Real UnHousewife said...

I am just now discovering your blog. I love the post and your honesty. I will continue reading to find out how this goes. wow, you are so brave for posting.