One Of These Days I'll Get A Divorce

For those of you who've been here awhile, you know that "husband" and I are still married, even though we will have been separated for 4? Or is it 5 years in December?

Anyway, we haven't been separated long enough.

We remain married due to insurance and mortgage issues. Husband's goal at the end of this is to walk away without any damage to his lifestyle. My goal at the end of this is to walk away without any damage to what my lifestyle was when we got married.

These two things are not the same.

Bottom line, I am still often required to deal with him to keep it all looking like he is getting his way. It's just easier than dealing with tantrums and bullying.

Last November, "husband" demanded that I remove everything that was mine from the house under the presumption that he was going to rent it out in the spring and needed all of my stuff out.

I spent several Saturdays over there with him, while he watched, sorting things into trash and donations.

I let him know that AMVETS picks up donations out in Podunk, and that all he would need to do was schedule a pick-up date and put the bags/boxes in the driveway. AMVETS would take care of the rest.

And those boxes and bags remained in the formal living room ... and remained ... and remained ...

Last week, "husband" called demanding (and don't think I'm using "demand" willy-nilly here - he demands - he doesn't ask) that I spend my Saturday helping him cart all of the stuff that has been sitting in the formal living room to Goodwill

Because he is "Tired of looking at the shit!"

And "Tired of the cats getting into the shit!!"

*blink*

*blink*

Which is why you didn't called AMVETS to schedule a pick-up during the last ELEVEN MONTHS, right??

Initially I told him I would help him get it to Goodwill, but the thought of spending half my Saturday with him wasn't very appealing. I decided to ...

Wait for it ...

Call AMVETS and schedule a pick-up, and they were going to have a truck in Podunk TODAY!!

Of course, then he needed my help* to get the bags and boxes from the house to the driveway (maybe a 20' walk), so we makes arrangements for me to come to the house at 7:00 last night to help* him. As it turns out, that doesn't work out for me - I've got to get to a store and purchase new duds for my part-time gig and  a 7:00 meeting time is just going to stress me out.

If he were anyone else, I'd have just told him to do it himself, but it's my responsibility to always make "husband" happy (just ask him), so I let him know I was going to the house right after work to start the project.

This is the text that followed (he's the BLUE bubble). And note the 5 hours between my response to him, and his next text. Also note that at no point does he THANK ME for doing all of the work without him, but he did "catch" me looking in the drawer for a pen!!

He sure shower me *rolls eyes*

*I needed to do it because it is a task that is beneath him

One of these days I'll get a divorce (2014 - WooHoo!!!)

After the Secret

~*~

It's true, after 8 months of dating Mike, husband 'found out' - 'found out' being in quotes because I really wasn't trying to hide it.

You might remember that I live in a small town (population 5,000 +/-). Mike and I have gone to Cam's band concerts together, to the market in town together, to the laundromat together. I haven't hidden Mike.

I may however, have lied through omission.

A few weeks ago husband asked me if I had hooked up with an old co-worker of his (he had played poker with this old co-worker and thought he was acting 'aggressive'). I told husband that I hadn't - that his old co-worker had propositioned me after husband and I first split, but I declined - that I would never date someone husband knew/worked with - that I had better taste than that.

All of that is true, but it would have been a good time to say, "No, I'm not dating your old co-worker, but I am dating someone else."

I didn't.

Imagine husband's surprise when, at a wedding budgeting dinner with his ex-wife and his soon-to-be in-laws (my step-son is getting married in September 2013), his ex-wife asked, "Should I make Dana and Cam's invitation a +1?"

When she got a confused look from husband she clarified, "I just thought maybe Dana would want to bring her boyfriend."

How did she know?

Like I said, I haven't been hiding Mike.

I may, however, have been a bit passive-aggressive.

Back in May, Cam visited Delaney (his step-sister). This was before Cam got his license, so I dropped him off and Mike (who was going to be in the area) picked him up.

My guess is that husband's ex-wife asked Delaney about Mike.

I'd also be willing to bet that husband's ex-wife intentionally spilled the beans in front of their future in-laws to make husband look ignorant. 

She's a master emasculator (is too a word ... in the URBAN Dictionary). 

It worked. He looked foolish. He wasn't happy about that (understandably).

In the past 6 months, husband and I have had conversations surrounding divorce - primarily that we are both aware that it is inevitable, and that it will happen as soon as Cam graduates (husband has agreed to keep us on his health/dental insurance until then).

I don't ask husband what he does in his free time.

I don't know if he has dated/hooked up with anyone since I moved out.

I don't care.

I assumed he didn't care either.

I was wrong.

What say you internet? Should I have been upfront about dating 2 years after being separated? Or was it really none of husband's business?

~*~

One Step, Two Step, Red Step, Blue Step

~*~

As husband and I move forward with our lives separately, I've been reflecting on my own grief process. Those 5 steps of grief? Damn if they don't apply to marriages that can't even be classified as 'happy-for-the-most-part!'

Doesn't it always start with denial? I was in this stage long before I ever moved out of husband's house. I continued to question whether the things that were happening in that relationship were 'normal' and 'deserved'. Maybe if I were thinner, prettier, made more money, was a better parent, the marriage would work? Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill? I got comfortable taking all of the blame for what was wrong - that was the only way I could justify having any control over making it right.

When I learned that husband's friends, family and co-workers still believed I was living in the house - that the marriage was just fine? That's when I realized just how creepy denial can be.

Then along came anger. I was stuck here for a good year, some might argue it was where I stayed so that I could continue playing the victim. *stomps feet* It wasn't fair! I had given everything financially and emotionally to this marriage, and he had not. I was making 1/3 of what husband earned, and trying to support both Cam and me on that amount, often frequenting the food bank when there was no money left for groceries. I was in such financial ruin that I had to file bankruptcy and yet he complained about covering the $30/month for insurance on my car. I was PISSED!

I was kind of hoping to skip over bargaining, but damn if I didn't land there too! For about 6 months I went on a bargaining binge. I started spending more time with husband - going out on 'dates' - stopping by the house to chit-chat. Maybe this could work if we just waited until Cam finished high school. It was Cam, and my relationship with Cam, that was the problem (Can you see the sarcasm dripping from those words?). Maybe if I found a better job, took off the weight I had regained, we could have the happily-ever-after I had dreamed of, right? Right???
Depression didn't want to be left out either. Depression has been a constant companion of mine for most of my life. Separating from husband brought depression within arms reach again, and once in a while it even decided to sit on my lap. At one point, my good buddy depression attempted to suffocate me, all but putting a plastic bag over my head and securing it with duct-tape. There have been some terribly dark times these past 27 months, and although I still have those dark times, they last only a day or 2 instead of a month or 2.

*sun breaks through the clouds and glitter falls from the sky and inspirational music is heard across the land* 

Ahhhh ... acceptance. Dreams are difficult for me to let go of, even when it becomes abundantly clear that the dream, in its current configuration, just wasn't meant to be. It took some pretty significant events (husband not acknowledging Cam at Christmas, nor on his 16th birthday - husband's refusal to help out (even a little bit) financially to make the Cavy safe for me and Cam to drive, yet spending $40K+ on a new car for himself) for me to realize that my dream was not his dream, and it never would be.

Accepting that - being okay with letting go of that one-sided dream with husband - has allowed me to focus on myself - to work on making myself the best "me" I can be.

It has also put me in a place where I can deal with dissolving the relationship in a businesslike fashion rather than getting all emotional about it, which is a very good thing as I'll be moving what's left of my and Cam's lives out of husband's house in the next 30 days.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a little sad, but the sadness is overshadowed by the knowledge that there will be (and are) good things in mine and Cam's lives again.

Who knew all that it would take to do that were 5 little steps?

~*~