After The Secret

For anyone who missed it, this was my Sunday Secret yesterday ...

I suppose this was a long time coming. I had to "rescue" Cam from Podunk shortly after Mike and I moved to Las Vegas. Cam found himself at the wrong end of an armed robbery (marijuana involved - in his apartment) and then an eviction.

Because of the dynamic between Mike and Cam (tumultuous is an understatement), Cam moved in with my mom. She supported him financially for a year. When my relationship with Mike went to shit and I needed to find a place of my own, I was excited to include Cam in my move. 

I found a PERFECT solution - a condo with 2 master bedrooms. This gave Cam his space and me my space. That was in late October 2017. Cam was attending college classes at a local community college ... it seemed things were on the right track.

Then my dad died in early December. Cam and I delayed the trip to Washington so that Cam could finish his finals. We went to Washington, took care of business, and drove dad's 1999 Suburban back to Las Vegas.

It was at this point that Cam decided college wasn't his gig (not surprised - I tried desperately to get him on the vocational school track).

I was patient - letting Cam find his way, but in early February I set my foot down - either go back to school or get a job - sitting in your room all day playing Xbox is not an option.

I reminded him of this weekly.

In early March, he lost his mind, and his temper. He was out of control. He was punching walls and screaming at me. I remained calm and told him that this was NOT okay - he could not behave this way and live in our home.

He left a week later.

I didn't kick him out of the house - I just set boundaries - boundaries he thought were unfair.

He packed up his room and left.

Although I've texted him, he has not let me know where he is or what he is doing.

I did snoop a bit - looked at his call history on his cell phone - and it appears he is in Utah. This is actually the best place he could be. He has a buddy who is in the Air Force and stationed at Hill Air Force Base in Utah. It looks like this might be where he is.

In a span of six months, I lost my (six year) relationship with Mike. I lost my dad. I lost my son. 

This hasn't been easy ...

No Secret - No Stealing

This is in no way one of my traditional Sunday posts. Y'all know I usually go with Sunday Stealing, or a Sunday Secret. Not today ... 

In what can only be explained as a crazy turn of events, I have set up a GoFundMe for Mike ... yes ... that Mike. 

In a nutshell, Mike traveled to Albuquerque, New Mexico, last week to begin 4-weeks of training with his new employer, eventually taking that knowledge to Madison, Wisconsin where he would open a new location of that same restaurant.

3-hours into his first training shift, in a freak accident, he ruptured both of his quadriceps. That is a significant injury, however, due to a delayed diagnosis and care plan (48-hours after the injury), he developed acute compartment syndrome - a medical emergency.

An emergency fasciotomy was performed - large incisions were made on his inner and outer thighs in an attempt to reduce the swelling, and save his legs. Those incisions remain open as he continues to go through negative-pressure wound therapy in an Albuquerque hospital - far away from family - and probably for at least another 30-days before he can be medically transported to a hospital in Wisconsin to continue his treatment and eventual rehabilitation.

I cannot imagine being so far away from one's support system, in a strange city, literally fighting to keep your legs. It's got to be beyond terrifying.

Look ... I'm terrible at asking for donations/fundraising ... I do not like to do it. And in this situation? Many of you probably think I'm absolutely nuts for doing exactly that, but my relationship with Mike went from being all about what he had done to me, to not being about me at all. Compassion kicked in.

All funds raised are going directly to Mike - not to or through me. He's using the funds for non-covered expenses - the eventual medical transport to Wisconsin likely eating up the majority of raised funds. If you are so inclined, I know Mike would appreciate the assistance.

It's a Blogiversary!

It was 6 years (and a few days) ago that I wrote my first blog post in my little corner of the interwebs. It was appropriately titled, Virgin Blogging.

I know ... I know ... I was just as insightful then as I am now ...

A lot has happened in these 6 years:

• Cam successfully navigated public middle school, 18 months at a theraputic day school, and is now smack dab in the middle of his senior year of high school. He also went from looking like this

To looking like this ...

• I went from being in a beautiful .5-million dollar home and a terribly unhappy (and abusive) marriage, to walking away from it all for a 2-bedroom apartment in a very run-down complex and furnished with FreeCycle and the few things I was allowed to take.
• After 40+ years of learning just how unlovable I am, I met Mike who has shown me that I was lovable all along.
• I lost a prestigious job in my degree field and began working in accounting again. This was a job that I hoped would be a 2-year, temporary gig while Cam's educational needs were addressed, but has turned into a hell-hole that I find myself trapped in for at least another year or so (I'll be "celebrating" 6 years at this job in January).
• I got nekkid quite a few times, then became disillusioned when that tight knit community started to change
• I gained 117 lbs, and have lost 98 lbs (so far) after having bariatric surgery.
• Friends have come and gone. I did a volunteer stint with Band Back Together, then was somewhat ostracized by that community after writing about my experiences volunteering with them. I keep in touch with 3 of the 5 people who commented on my very first blog post via Facebook, and one of those people (Meg, from This Big Happy) is still blogging! The other two? Well, they are both still around, or so I hear, but neither of them want anything to do with me any longer.
• Where blogging used to be my primary outlet - and twitter soon followed - I now spend more time on tumblr and Facebook than I do on blogging and twitter
• I've had a bonafide (and reported) cyberbully and several trolls. I've also met some people who will likely be life-long friends, including Jayman, who was one of my very first REAL commenters (not a commenter from the Yahoo Group who originally dared me to start up a blog) and Matt-Man, whose friendship with me has been a bit ... shall we say ... rocky at times? Yeah, we'll go with that. 

It's pretty amazing when you think about it. My little corner of the interwebs populated with the stuff that life is made of. Overall? I'd say it's been a good run.

I often wonder what to do with this space - whether I'll continue to blog or just archive this all somewhere and move on. 

Right now? I plan on staying. I probably won't be earning any frequent-flyer miles for posting every day, but I've grown to love this place. As frustrating as life can be, going back and reading a history of what you've done in the last 6 years kind of puts it all in perspective and helps you realize that the big things aren't so big a year later.

Do any of you have a post of mine that you remember well, either because it made you happy, or because it pissed you off?

"I think writer's block is simply the dread that you are going to write something horrible." - Roy Blount, Jr.

(Photo via MartinaK15 on Flickr)

I don't know if what I have is writer's block - unless you are defining it like Roy Blount Jr. - and even that isn't totally accurate.

I always said that I write for myself. That this is the place that I sort the thoughts in my head by putting them on virtual paper. This is still true, but a few things have changed.

I have an attentive, stable, and loving partner in my life. I now have the ability to talk to a real person who cares about helping me sort through the thoughts in my head. Someone who doesn't belittle or condemn me for not having it all figured out. A partner who offers me honest and helpful feedback. The healthy relationship that Mike and I have had for almost 2 years now has impacted my need for this blog.

It has also impacted my blog content.

Because I respect Mike (something I was lacking with husband), I do not write about him here unless he knows that I am writing about him here. Although far from perfect, my life is manageable now, and not the train wreck it once was (I know that fact is disheartening to a handful of you). Who wants to read about happily ever after?

Am I right??

Then there's the dreaded "V" word - validation. Let's just say that when you are posting half-nekkid photos of yourself each week, validation becomes a non-issue. Remember when blogging was one of the few viable forms of "social media"? Now it's easier to keep in touch on Facebook, write a 140 character "blog post", or to call the reblogging of large quantities of meaningless and unimportant media images, thoughts, and music selections a "blog".

Quite frankly? These days, it seems the average attention span can't handle much more than that anyway.

I appreciate every comment I get, but traffic has decreased (understatement) and I'm not sure that I write about anything relevant to what was once my reader base. Commenting takes far more time than clicking on a LIKE, a FAVORITE, or a HEART. Blog posts require the reader to actually be an active participant.

I've got plenty to write about, I just don't know if it's anything anyone wants to read.

Maybe it never was?

If you are still active on your "traditional" blog, what keeps you going? How do you stay relevant, or does relevancy even matter to you?

Further education ...

scares the shit out of me.  I’m not good at failing, which is why i’ve always went with what comes easy to me.  Yanno, Sports, Music, Math….things that come naturally to me, i don’t need to muster much effort or internal motivation.  I’ve always been pretty intelligent, and through the years, did minimal work and got by.  it has bothered the fuck out of me for the last decade.

I never pulled an all-nighter in high school or college, I was never cramming for a test or exam, i chose a path based on ease.  Don’t get me wrong, I also chose a path that i loved every second of - the 5 years i spent in undergrad were amazing, I sang every day, i got unlimited studio time, unlimited voice lab time to perfect what i loved.

I still feel like i cheated myself. I don’t think i’ve ever pushed myself.  i don’t think i’ve ever really challenged myself.  I’ve worked to perfect what already came naturally to me.
With all that said - I’m seriously considering Law school.  I want to take the LSAT in February.

this scares the ever-loving shit out of me.  It’s something I’m passionate about - educational law - and something i’m completely unfamiliar with.  I’d have to bust my ass to succeed.  I’d have to venture into something new.  I’m not good at starting from scratch.  I’ve let a lot of the things i love fall by the wayside for fear of failure.  it’s why i haven’t been on stage in 6+ years.  it’s why I haven’t pursued a career in voice.  I’d rather *CHOOSE* to not do it, than fail at it.
help me out tumblr, dont let me talk myself out of this one.   time to strap on my big boy pants, and get it done.

Mike wrote that on tumblr about a month ago. I was going to write a response to it on tumblr, but really wanted to give it more attention than that platform allows.

Why?

Because it reminded me of this ...

There really aren't many times when the age difference between Mike and me plays a significant role in our relationship, but future plans - taking a chance at doing what you want NOW - is one of those times.

Maybe because I thought I could buy myself the freedom to do what I wanted to do later.

When I left the Army, I had grandiose plans. I was going to go back to school (law school, coincidentally) using my GI Bill while working full time. It would take me 2? Maybe 3 years at the most to finish up my Bachelor's Degree. I'd pass the bar and land a position as an attorney before I was 35.

Less than a year later I found out I was pregnant and would be a single mom.

EVERYTHING changed.

I can look back and speculate how things would have been had I made different decisions, but I don't know how accurate those speculations would be because I never made those decisions. There was no sense of urgency. I was certain I could buy myself the freedom to do it later.

I'll be just short of 50 when Cam graduates in the spring. I am looking forward to getting my life back, because the life I've been living the last 17 years hasn't been one I've lived for me.

It's likely too late for grandiose my plans - I'll have to modify them a bit and have 2 less decades to enjoy them. And I'm okay with that.

What I'm not okay with is for Mike to ever look back and think, "I should have done this when I had the chance ..."

I am STRONGLY encouraging him to follow through with this plan.

What have you not done, betting you could buy yourself the freedom to do it later?

Housekeeping

Photo Credit

I tend to get comfortable with sameness. Whether that be in my personal life, my professional life, or in blogging.

In the 5 years I've been blogging, I've changed my blog template once.

Sure, there have been minor tweaks - adding the Home, About Me, HNT Archives, Sunday Secrets, and Suicide - The Never Ending Story tabs - changing my profile pic - adding gadgets to the side bar - but the overall look of my blog has remained relatively the same.

It was time for a change.

I'm all about simple and efficient.

Now the blog is too.

~*~

HNT is making a one-day return.

December 27th marks the first full year of HNT retirement. In celebration, it's coming back!

And so am I ...

I put a poll up in the sidebar, hoping it would help me decide whether or not to participate. The overwhelming majority of you who voted *cough*TWO*cough* were supportive, so I figured what the hell?!

~*~

I'm taking a bit of a self-imposed, social media (tumblr, twitter, facebook) break.

I find myself - once again - bitching more about it than having fun with it.

Patterns ... I've got 'em.

We'll see if I can pull my head out of my ass.

~*~

Mike and I celebrated our one-year anniversary last week.

I think I'm finally (maybe) coming to grips with the fact that his love isn't in spite of my faults, flaws, and quirks, it is because of them. Okay, maybe I have a hard time accepting that every day ... let's just say that I believe it more now than I did a year ago.

It's been a good year ...

I look forward to many more.

Cheese Curds & Cheese Heads

Friday afternoon was a rough one. A very public shouting match from my cubicle, with the new Education Service Specialist at Cam's school, that included ultimatums and insults (flung at me, not by me). 

Mike and I were scheduled to head to Milwaukee on Saturday to celebrate his birthday. He had contacted his friends to let them know we'd be in town, and we had a hotel reservation for Saturday night. When I got home Friday night, I knew I had to just let go of my extreme frustration or I was going to ruin Mike's birthday weekend.

Then Mike suggested we leave immediately rather than waiting for Saturday.

My response?

But we don't have a hotel! And I cannot leave Cam home alone for an entire weekend without having the police department on speed dial! And ... and ... WE MUST PLAN! Spontaneity is evil! If we don't plan something terrible will happen! No! I don't know what ... I just know it will!!

Thank goodness Mike has mastered the ability to talk me down from the ledge ...

Cam was at a friend's house - a friend who is a good kid and whose parents are very ... well ... parenting parents. Mike suggested I check with them to see if Cam could spend the weekend there while he made an inquiry at the hotel to see if they had rooms available Friday night.

The friend's parents were thrilled to be able to help out and agreed to have Cam as their guest for the weekend.

The hotel had rooms.

We spent the next 30 minutes packing and loading, then headed out.

I was a mess for the first hour of the drive, my bestie - anxiety - sitting squarely on my chest, but as I continued to drive, I began relaxing, letting go of the stuff that bounces around in my brain.

We checked in at the hotel, then headed out for the start of a celebratory weekend.

Mike deemed Friday night as "pre-game warm up". It involved letting Milwaukee know he was in town, drinking at a few different establishments, and losing my Qdoba virginity.

Saturday I woke up in the swanky Aloft Milwaukee Downtown to this view.

Then we went to The Eatery on Farwell for breakfast. I had The Hangover Burger (½ lb hand-pattied burger stacked up with provolone & Muenster cheese, bacon, a fried egg, caramelized red onions, lettuce, tomato, avocado aioli, Sriracha aioli & hollandaise served on a homestyle bun with a choice of side) and the best Bloody Mary I have ever experienced in my life.

Yes, that is beef jerky in that glass. And since when have all Bloody Mary's started being served with a side of beer? I'm not complaining, I've just never seen this!

Bellies full, we headed out shopping. It's been at least 3 years since I've purchased a new outfit at a retail store ... seriously. This was HUGE. I don't spend money on myself, and when I do it's usually for a single clothing item at Goodwill or off the clearance rack at Walmart. But this time? I bought a complete outfit - nothing from the clearance rack - including shoes. I didn't even look at prices (which fortunately turned out to be very reasonable).

Then it was back to the hotel for a little rest, a quick "linner" (if you can have brunch, you can have linner) of cheese curds at The Loaded Slate,

... and then back out for the MAIN EVENT!

Although we had planned on starting at Vitucci's, and then drinking our way to other bars, we wound up staying where we started.

Which was a good thing.

'Cause I got to kiss a girl ... several times ...*

Wait! What???

* Don't you hate it when a blog post ends like that??

Saturday Overshare

I had a few things rattling around in my brain and decided to toss them out here before they colided into each other and caused damage.

~*~

I am now Co-President of the High School Music Parents Group. Now before anyone accuses me of flaunting my perceived superiority, there were three of us who decided we wanted to be president. There were two (President and Vice-President) positions. The group decided three positions were better, because they didn't want anyone to have to be a loser.

That's how real life works, right?

I've spent the last year pissing off people that I don't know. I'm now looking forward to spending the next two years pissing off people that I have to look at every day!

~*~

I decided it was time to add an About Me page to the blog. That little blogger profile on the side bar just doesn't do me justice. And since it's all about me ... me ... ME!!! 

Well, you know ...

Besides, I needed to make it easier for people to send hate mail!

~*~

Mike and I were supposed to go to a wedding in Wisconsin (his friend's) this weekend, but I just couldn't leave Cam here, by himself, with unlimited access to a car.

Actually, if I'm honest, I just didn't have the extra cash laying around to cover Cam's legal defense if I did leave him here by himself. And since I just ranted about Needy? Or Greedy?, I figured I had better stay at home and be responsible.

So Thursday night, I sent Mike on his way north.

This is a split screen of Mike right before he went to the wedding ... 

And the morning after.

I think it might have been a really, really good thing that I played responsible parent this weekend.

After the Secret

~*~

It's true, after 8 months of dating Mike, husband 'found out' - 'found out' being in quotes because I really wasn't trying to hide it.

You might remember that I live in a small town (population 5,000 +/-). Mike and I have gone to Cam's band concerts together, to the market in town together, to the laundromat together. I haven't hidden Mike.

I may however, have lied through omission.

A few weeks ago husband asked me if I had hooked up with an old co-worker of his (he had played poker with this old co-worker and thought he was acting 'aggressive'). I told husband that I hadn't - that his old co-worker had propositioned me after husband and I first split, but I declined - that I would never date someone husband knew/worked with - that I had better taste than that.

All of that is true, but it would have been a good time to say, "No, I'm not dating your old co-worker, but I am dating someone else."

I didn't.

Imagine husband's surprise when, at a wedding budgeting dinner with his ex-wife and his soon-to-be in-laws (my step-son is getting married in September 2013), his ex-wife asked, "Should I make Dana and Cam's invitation a +1?"

When she got a confused look from husband she clarified, "I just thought maybe Dana would want to bring her boyfriend."

How did she know?

Like I said, I haven't been hiding Mike.

I may, however, have been a bit passive-aggressive.

Back in May, Cam visited Delaney (his step-sister). This was before Cam got his license, so I dropped him off and Mike (who was going to be in the area) picked him up.

My guess is that husband's ex-wife asked Delaney about Mike.

I'd also be willing to bet that husband's ex-wife intentionally spilled the beans in front of their future in-laws to make husband look ignorant. 

She's a master emasculator (is too a word ... in the URBAN Dictionary). 

It worked. He looked foolish. He wasn't happy about that (understandably).

In the past 6 months, husband and I have had conversations surrounding divorce - primarily that we are both aware that it is inevitable, and that it will happen as soon as Cam graduates (husband has agreed to keep us on his health/dental insurance until then).

I don't ask husband what he does in his free time.

I don't know if he has dated/hooked up with anyone since I moved out.

I don't care.

I assumed he didn't care either.

I was wrong.

What say you internet? Should I have been upfront about dating 2 years after being separated? Or was it really none of husband's business?

~*~

Birthday's Are NOT Stupid

~*~

I had a birthday last month.

Of course, I felt like I couldn't celebrate it here on the blog after Matt-Man wrote his scathing Birthdays Are Stupid post (the day before my birthday - CONSPIRACY) where he vowed to never celebrate another birthday of an adult ... anywhere ...

But now that my special day is over, and we're in a completely different month, I decided it was safe to blog about it. 

No! Really! That's why I haven't blogged in forever ... maybe ...

*smirk*

It's been a while since I've had anyone around who felt it was important to acknowledge that warm, July day in MCMLXIV. This year was a bit different.

Understand, I am not one who wants a grandiose celebration on my day. In fact, I don't even want to find myself in a restaurant where people might sing Happy Birthday to me.

But it does warm that cockle place in my heart when those who are close to me do a little something to remind me that I am important to them (because I easily forget).

That happened in a very special way this year.

When I awoke on the day of my birth (doesn't that sound impressive??), I did the same thing I do every morning - sat in my recliner and opened my laptop.

And I found this ...

A handwritten letter from Mike that jumped out at me as I opened the cover. 

It was PERFECT, and really, all that I wanted.

What made the day even better were the cards I got from Mike and Cam later in the day.

See? Mike did something for me that no one has ever done before - not only did he pick out a card for me, he picked out a card for Cam to give to me too.

And Cam?

He didn't just sign the card, he wrote a nice little note inside - thanking me for all of the things I do for him that he sometimes takes for granted.

It was the best birthday ever ... if adults were allowed to celebrate birthdays ...

~*~

My Favorite Stalker

~*~

Once upon a time, there was a boy who worked as a grant writer in Milwaukee.

One day, he was reading blogs and saw one on a blogroll called Amid Life's Crises. For shits and grins (or was it out of sheer boredom?) he clicked on the link and started reading.

Well, maybe not reading ... maybe more like looking at the pictures.

He eventually did read the blog from cover to cover, more than once. We all know how difficult it is to look away from a train wreck, right? I'm fairly certain that's what happened here, although he tells a different story.

Eventually, the boy started following the girl on twitter. She had no idea when she reciprocated the follow that the boy stalked her knew her from her blog. Over the next few months, they had a few interactions on twitter. One day the conversation got a little flirtatious and the girl took it to DM.

Now, the girl had done this in the past with fairly consistent results. Public twitter conversation moves to DM. DMs lead to exchanging cell phone numbers - texting is so much easier than DM-ing. Exchanging cell phone numbers leads to the girl learning that the flirtatious DMs are coming from a married (or in a serious relationship) boy. The girl is then reminded that she is not good enough for someone who is actually available to her (Don't even start with me. That is how my brain works!).

This time was different.

The boy was single.

The boy confessed to his stalking prowess.

This should have terrified the girl, yet somehow she was strangely comforted in knowing that the boy knew her secrets, knew her past, knew she wasn't perfect, and still wanted to get to know her personally.

They met and have since celebrated their Plastic Straw Anniversary.

I'd love to tell y'all this story ends with a "And then they lived happily-ever-after," but I don't know that. There are many things that need to be taken care of (like my divorce from Voldemort - a.k.a. "husband" - which I anticipate is going to be ugly). I can tell you the prognosis is promising.

I can also tell you that My Favorite Stalker (Mike) has been a surprise addition to my (and Cam's) life. He treats us both with a level of respect and care we've never known.

Sure, he has his "flaws", like his odd ability to store sports statistics in his long-term memory and spew them at unsuspecting passers-by, but I'll take that "flaw" over Voldemort's demand that he have control over all of the car windows any day.

Ya know what I mean?

~*~