The Last Three Years (Reader's Digest Condensed Version)

It hadn't occurred to me that their might be people who don't follow any of my other social media spots and have no idea what's been going on. So as not to bore those of you who have heard this story, I'll be (kind of) brief ... 

(via The Jewelry Lady - who remembers these?)

SEPTEMBER 2014 - Mike and I move to Not Podunk to be closer to his job (which was in a rapid growth mode) and ... well? To get out of Podunk!

DECEMBER 2014 - I quit my job of 6 years that was located in Podunk, accepting a position much closer to Not Podunk. It even came with a pay raise.

*Life goes on merrily for a year*

DECEMBER 2015 - My position with the new employer in Not Podunk is eliminated due to company sale/acquisition. As it turned out, within 6 months, everyone's positions were eliminated.

FEBRUARY 2016 - I accept an accounting manager position with one of the companies involved in the purchase/acquisition of my Not Podunk employer. I am a virtual employee, as are all other employees of the company. We have no brick and mortar building. Mike's career continues to soar.

APRIL 2016 - Mike's boss learns he is being transferred to Oregon. Mike and I agree that we will relocate to Oregon as well as it seems to be a great career move. My job allows me to live anywhere, so it really makes sense.

MAY 2016 - Plans change. Mike's boss is now relocating to Las Vegas for a different opportunity within the same company. Mike is able to get his transfer changed to Las Vegas as well.

JUNE 2016 - Welcome to Las Vegas!

AUGUST 2016 - Cam moves to Las Vegas due to his life falling apart in Podunk. He moves in with my mom as there are "tensions" between he and Mike and I. At the time I thought Mike was supportive of the move. I would later learn he was not.

*Timeline gets a little wonky - way too much happening*

JANUARY 2017 - Mike and I seem to be doing less and less together. His interests in Las Vegas are very different than mine. There is a major betrayal in the relationship. He starts going out after work more often than he comes home - easy to do when you live in the city that never sleeps. I start withdrawing from life, seldom leaving the house and feeling very depressed and isolated. 

FEBRUARY(?) 2017 - There is a major shakeup in leadership within the company Mike is working for. It eventually leads to Mike's Boss leaving the company. Things with Mike's employer get extremely dicey, but he manages to trudge through relatively unscathed. That said, he is not happy at work.

MAY 2017 - My relationship with Mike continues to deteriorate. I seldom see him, and he seems perfectly fine with that. There is a second betrayal in the relationship, identical to the one that happened (and I thought was resolved) in January. I give Mike an ultimatum - some things need to drastically change in order for us to renew the lease in July. Knowing what I know now, the relationship was already over at this point. I thought we had just hit a rough patch - that Mike and I would work through it - that he loved me enough.

JULY 2017 - We decide to renew the lease. Mike will only agree to a three-month extension. I didn't see that coming, although I should have. Mike was unhappy at work and at home. I had basically quit life and was miserable as well. It becomes very evident that our relationship is in BIG trouble. I am still oblivious hopeful we will work through it.

SEPTEMBER 2017 - Things with Mike and I come to an abrupt end. He tells me he's been unhappy in the relationship for 5 years (we had been together 6 years). He listed all of the reasons I was at fault - it was a long list. Obviously there will be no working on the relationship. Mike starts acting really odd.

OCTOBER 2017 - Although I know the relationship is over, I am quite worried about Mike. His behaviors (or at least what he was telling me he was doing) were disconcerting. I reached out to a few of his friends. Later, when I discovered bits and pieces of the truth, I would feel like an idiot for being concerned, however my life for the past year would begin to make sense.

~*~*~

And that? That is how I ended up (and stayed) in Las Vegas.

It's been awhile

But the train wreck is back ... 

via GIPHY

So, what happened? And why am I attempting to bring this space back to life?

Well ... it all started HERE with my favorite stalker. I thought I didn't need a public place to vent - to talk about the things that made me happy and made me sad - because I had him. I also took to heart much of the criticism regarding my respect for other people's privacy when blogging - if I didn't blog, there wasn't an issue, right?

Those of you who know me know that I live most of my life as an if/then statement - if I don't do this thing, then this bad thing won't happen. It has yet to be successful for me (duh), yet I can't seem to figure out how to change it ... or if it's even changeable.

Honestly? Things might have turned out differently had I stayed active with blogging. One thing I've learned about myself (and it only took 53 years) is that there are two very different versions of me - there is the strong, independent, aloof, and confident me when I am single, and there is the dependant, needy, self-sabotaging, and insecure me when I am in a relationship. 

I can actually see how single me is attractive, not necessarily in a physical way, but in a "she's got her shit together" way. Relationship me? Not so much ...

Clearly that creates quite a problem. Someone who is attracted to single me eventually finds themselves with relationship me, and it never ends well. Although it lasted six years this time (the longest adult relationship I have ever had), this relationship was no exception, and it ended abruptly and ... well ... kind of ugly.

In hindsight *fucking hindsight* I can see this. Reflecting on the relationship, I can almost pinpoint when it happened. Sure, there were some other contributors to relationship me rearing my ugly head, primarily my insecurities regarding the 20-year age difference, always feeling like I was physically competing with women 20-years younger than me, and knowing that I could never win that rivalry, but ultimately it boiled down to knowing feeling that I am unlovable.

And that feeling of being unlovable? That is what has destroyed every single adult relationship I have had, including this one.

I've got to figure this shit out. I can't keep doing this to myself and to people I love. 

No, this blog isn't going to turn into a rehashing of all of my relationship woes, but hopefully it will be the space where I can find myself again, because I got really lost ...

Going Green - When It Doesn't Leave A Mark You Can See

I finally got out of 2008, opting for a post I wrote in October of 2009. By this time, it was pretty clear that there was nothing I could do to save my marriage, and that I should really focus on saving myself and my son.

Although at the time this post was written, I was still with my husband, the situation would continue to escalate, and 2 months later my son and I would be moving into an apartment of our own.

It's been 3-1/2 years since I made that move. Husband and I attempted to reconcile at one point, however I knew there was no way I could ever go back to living the way I did when I was with him.

We've been separated since I moved out, but remain married (in the eyes of the law). That decision is one that stemmed from financial need - a house in both of our names - insurance coverage. We have both agreed to move on with our lives and will complete the divorce process in 2014.

I am also happy to say that I am in a new relationship now. One that is filled with what good relationships need to grow. Mike has been, and continues to be, patient with the scars that were left from being with husband as long as I was. I couldn't ask for more!

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Yesterday, Veronica over at Another Suburban Mom posted a reminder that in addition to October being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I've been with husband for six years now, married for three and a half years. He was married when we got together. It wasn't until we had been living together for 6 months that his ex-wife filed for divorce. 18 months later, their divorce was final.

Husband wasn't always on his best behavior when we dated. There were warning signs. The battering, the abuse, started long before we said "I do" ... and I ignored it. I am not a bad person. I have a lot of good qualities. Yet I'm always thinking "If I could only be a better wife," "If only I were more attractive," "If only I could fulfill his sexual desires" ... if only ... if only ...

Yesterday, as I was reading Veronica's post and clicking on some of the resources, I came across the Domestic Violence Wheel. It's funny, I actually used this very graphic in one of my posts, but didn't really consider its validity in my own relationship. Of the eight pieces of this wheel, I am currently living each and every one of them to varying degrees.

USING INTIMIDATION: Yelling - and I mean at the top of his lungs yelling - is husband's preferred method of intimidation, but he has also used throwing things, punching walls, faking a punch, etc. He intentionally interferes with my sleep, making sure I am awake any time and every time he is.

USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: I am often told how I waste my life, how I'm not living up to husband's expectations thus making him work harder. I don't keep the house clean enough. The laundry isn't done quickly enough. I didn't get his clothes to the cleaners soon enough. I don't make enough money. I need to do everything around the house to make up for my lack of financial contribution. Nothing I do is ever enough. I can always do better.

Husband often withholds "love", affection and recognition as punishment when I've done something unacceptable or something that makes him mad. There are many days (sometimes strung together into a week) when he never speaks to me, refusing to acknowledge my presence in the home.

USING ISOLATION: Husband has insisted I not talk about our relationship to anyone in our families or in the community. He distances himself from our families and "demands" the same of Cam and I, mocking and belittling us when we are so weak we must rely on family. He offered to pay the airfare for Cam and I to visit Washington this summer, then changed his mind at the last minute, making it almost impossible for us to get there.

MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: This is one of the bigger ones. It is always my actions that cause husband to act the way he does. All couples fight, but I push him and make him say things he doesn't mean. His favorite? This isn't an abusive relationship, I'm just over-sensitive due to the dysfunction of my own family growing up.

USING CHILDREN: This was the one piece of the wheel I thought I was exempt from because husband has no claims to Cam, but the truth is he often tells me how I screwed up Cam's life, how my own selfishness in becoming a single parent has destroyed any potential Cam might have, how I've ruined Cam. Attacking my parenting is a common theme.

USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Husband makes all of the major decisions without any input. If he does tell me and I disagree with his plan, my input is dismissed without consideration, usually to the tune of an eye roll. He often makes decisions that impact the family, the safety and security of the household, without allowing any input from me.

USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: This is another big one in our home. Husband puts the mortgage payment into the joint account - the account I "control" I am responsible for providing EVERYTHING else for the household and for Cam, on a salary 1/4 of his. Husband has at his disposal, $2,500 in discretionary spending each month. I have $400. In addition to scrutinizing grocery receipts, he also double checks deposits to the joint account to insure I'm not "stealing" from him. I must ask for money and justify the need should we run short in any month. He then decides if I (or Cam) am worthy.

USING COERCION & THREATS: Any time there is a disagreement, husband tells me he is going to leave and take all of his money with him, leaving me in a house that will be foreclosed on. He threatens to take Cam and me off the health insurance. Tells me to call the police because they'll never see a mark on me and will know I'm lying to them.

When I look at all of these things, I cannot deny that I am in an abusive relationship, nor can I shake the notion that this is somehow my fault. Logically, I cannot explain why I am still in this marriage, yet emotionally I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I can't tell you why I stay (although this guide offers some insight), just as I can't tell you why husband continues to batter and abuse.

I'd love to end this post by telling you all that I am leaving, that I have a plan, but all that I can tell you is that I am closer to leaving now than I ever have been before. I have reached out for help - in more than one direction - but the response has been one of "just do this next", and I've been unable to tackle that next step. All that I can manage right now is to ask for support. Chasing it down? Having to call one more person? Tell my story one more time? It's overwhelming.

I feel crazy. Embarrassed. Humiliated. What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away? How can it be battering? Abuse? If there isn't a black eye? Bruises on my arms? Broken bones? How can it be domestic violence when it doesn't leave a mark you can see?

SSOC: Reading People

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It's time for Sunday's 5 minute Stream of Consciousness, oh my goodness I cannot use spell check or proofread post.

Jana's prompt this week? Wouldn’t it be awesome if… {fill in the blank}?

I've got a post in my head for Tuesday. This week I'm using Jana's prompt to get those thoughts out there where they'll be easier to sort.

~*~

Wouldn’t it be awesome if… 

You could read people and know what they were really thinking, no matter what words come out of their mouth?

I've always been an "actions speak louder than words" kind of person, which works well for me in my personal relationships that are in my physical world (physical world equals the internet's reference to IRL).

It's more difficult with online relationships. All one really has are words to go by, and there are quite a few people out there who are amazing wordsmiths.

There's been a lot of talk this week about internet forums - those places where you can toss your opinion - anonymously - without repercussion. Where words can be said that you'd likely never say if your name was attached to them.

Honestly? I'd rather know. Can't stand me? I'd prefer you not appease me with your insincere words.

It's better that way. 

Then I don't waste too much energy on you.

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My Favorite Stalker

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Once upon a time, there was a boy who worked as a grant writer in Milwaukee.

One day, he was reading blogs and saw one on a blogroll called Amid Life's Crises. For shits and grins (or was it out of sheer boredom?) he clicked on the link and started reading.

Well, maybe not reading ... maybe more like looking at the pictures.

He eventually did read the blog from cover to cover, more than once. We all know how difficult it is to look away from a train wreck, right? I'm fairly certain that's what happened here, although he tells a different story.

Eventually, the boy started following the girl on twitter. She had no idea when she reciprocated the follow that the boy stalked her knew her from her blog. Over the next few months, they had a few interactions on twitter. One day the conversation got a little flirtatious and the girl took it to DM.

Now, the girl had done this in the past with fairly consistent results. Public twitter conversation moves to DM. DMs lead to exchanging cell phone numbers - texting is so much easier than DM-ing. Exchanging cell phone numbers leads to the girl learning that the flirtatious DMs are coming from a married (or in a serious relationship) boy. The girl is then reminded that she is not good enough for someone who is actually available to her (Don't even start with me. That is how my brain works!).

This time was different.

The boy was single.

The boy confessed to his stalking prowess.

This should have terrified the girl, yet somehow she was strangely comforted in knowing that the boy knew her secrets, knew her past, knew she wasn't perfect, and still wanted to get to know her personally.

They met and have since celebrated their Plastic Straw Anniversary.

I'd love to tell y'all this story ends with a "And then they lived happily-ever-after," but I don't know that. There are many things that need to be taken care of (like my divorce from Voldemort - a.k.a. "husband" - which I anticipate is going to be ugly). I can tell you the prognosis is promising.

I can also tell you that My Favorite Stalker (Mike) has been a surprise addition to my (and Cam's) life. He treats us both with a level of respect and care we've never known.

Sure, he has his "flaws", like his odd ability to store sports statistics in his long-term memory and spew them at unsuspecting passers-by, but I'll take that "flaw" over Voldemort's demand that he have control over all of the car windows any day.

Ya know what I mean?

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The Tale of Lima

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Relationships.

I suck at them.

It doesn't matter if they are friendships, romantic relationships or relationships with family, if they involve me, I disappoint.

It's not that I don't care. I do. I would like to have more friends. I would like to be able to nurture a loving romantic relationship. I think it would be great if I was actually "close" to my family.

It's not even that I don't know how. I mean, I get the steps. I can follow a relationship flow chart. It just requires so much work.

After receiving several emails from my mom, and one from my dad, I posted this facebook update:


It was meant to be funny. As you can see by the comments, my dad (Jim) didn't take it that way. In fact, after his reply on facebook he sent me the following email:


UGH! OK ... now what? So I send him this email response:


I'm thinking issue resolved. I just won't post any more updates on facebook. I've been trying to keep family updated that way, but either they want more details (Why? It's not like they can fix anything) or they don't get my humor and create more drama.

Then dear old dad sends this email:


Missed my point - entirely - not surprising and not worth trying to explain because it's become abundantly clear to me those efforts usually do little more than make things worse.

Let me use this (awkward and nonsensical) "Tale of Lima" to illustrate the challenges I face in nurturing any type of emotional relationship.

Once upon a time the world is taken over by residents of Lima, Ohio. Now that the Limans are in charge, Lima Beans randomly, throughout the day, materialize in your mouth.

Each time one does, you must chew it - savor it - with a smile on your face convincing everyone that you love Lima Beans. If you don't? You'll alienate people. They won't like you. You'll be considered rude and elitist, and you will be shunned from the community of Lima.

Now, for some of us, this is GREAT! We love Lima Beans. We look forward to the random materialization of those Lima Beans in our mouths.

But for most? You know what you are supposed to do with the Lima Beans, but it seems silly. It doesn't come naturally for you to find that random Lima Bean in your mouth. The fake enjoyment is manageable early in the day, but as the day goes on and your mouth continues to be assaulted by Lima Beans, you tire of trying to do what you know is "right" but which makes no sense to you.

Seriously? Why must these Lima Beans materialize in you mouth anyway? You aren't hungry. They don't taste good. What is the point?

Relationships (generally) are my Lima Beans. I know what I'm supposed to do. I watch (closely) to what other people do in relationships and try (desperately) to emulate them. I can manage to fake the process early on, but over time I tire of trying to do what is "right" but which makes no sense to me.

How many times must I ask someone how they are when I really don't care?

When a co-worker gets a hair cut that looks like crap, why must I say, "That looks really good."

When someone stops in my cubicle to chit-chat, why must I engage in eye contact and pretend that I care what they are saying.

I know it's the right thing to do, but it makes no sense to me.

I love my parents. I care about what happens in their lives. But I am more than OK if I don't talk to them for months at a time. It seems silly (and requires a HUGE amount of effort) for me to engage with them regularly, so I don't. They take that personally.

Typical of my emotional relationships.

I'm not an idiot. I am more than aware that the common factor in all of these relationship failures is me. I am more than aware that the only person who can make this right is me.

I just wish everyone I engage with would have random Lima Beans materialize in their mouths many times a day - every single day - for 46 years.

Maybe then they'd get it ...

~*~*~

Whom Do You Trust?

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Karen over at Smiling Through It All had the opportunity to be interviewed by an NYU grad student working on a doctoral thesis about bloggers and the impact the blogging and social networking have on real life social skills (you can read more about her interview [HERE]).

Some of Karen's observations regarding her feelings towards bloggers fascinated me. She mentioned that one of the things she learned about herself is that she has a strong distrust of other bloggers - that she doesn't trust cyber-folk as much as she trusts people from the real world.

Karen asked her readers, "Are people more honest online or in the real world? Do you trust bloggers as much you trust people from your real life?"

Kind of a tricky set of questions for me as trust is a highly coveted, very tangible emotion for me.

I would say there is a lot of gray area here. I know that I have been honest in my blogging (sometimes painfully so), but I also haven't shared every detail of every event. Sometimes that is because I don't feel the detail is relevant, or I am embarrassed about the detail, or even that I am protecting the identity/privacy of the person I'm talking about.

Does that mean I can't be trusted? I don't think so. In fact it might mean that I can be trusted more.

How does this translate to other bloggers? Well, one of my "gifts" (some might call it a highly irritating quirk) is that I pay attention to the details. When I read blogs I gather information. It's a bonus if the blogger also participates in other social media like Twitter. I don't trust bloggers out of the box, but over time - assuming their actions (comments on other blogs, meetings in person, activity on Twitter) match their words (what hey blog about) I trust them every bit, if not more, than their real life counterparts.

Karen also confessed that she views blogging "as a media akin to cheesy reality TV - like The Hills, for example. There is 'truth' in the story line, but it is probably somewhat edited and sometimes even scripted. Basically, in the blogoshpere you only get as much as the other person is willing to share - which is rarely the whole picture. Sure, blogging is entertaining and fun and a great way to exchange ideas and meet new people. But it is also an easy way to live a double life or be the person you wish you were in reality."

Interesting perspective ...

Karen asked, "Do you see other bloggers creating a character for themselves or do you even admit to doing that yourself? Do you think blogging is entertainment or true honest human connection?"

Again, this isn't a yes or no question in my world. Some of the blogs I read are clearly character blogs. Some of them are out there trying to make a living from their writing. Some are just daily diaries of sorts. I feel confident that most of the bloggers I trust are indeed the people they portray themselves as.

What's odd about that statement is that there are bloggers out there that I trust that I don't like. I trust that they are being honest, I trust that they are who they say they are, but I don't like them. For me there is a HUGE difference between trusting and liking. I can trust you and not like you, and I can like you but not trust you. Go figure ...

Karen wrote, "In the real world you can't hide your flaws or quirks. You can't always craft your worlds to present only the you that you want to be. In the real world people can see the whole you and make their own judgments."

I vehemently disagree.

In the real world, people often judge on superficial criteria - height, weight, age, hair color, attractiveness, job status, work industry - the list goes on and on.

In blogging, those superficial criteria become secondary, or even tertiary. They don't matter as much as the content of the person. Unless you are an amazing writer (and honestly, very few bloggers are - I am certainly not), you can only fake content for a finite amount of time. Your true colors eventually come out. I've seen it happen again and again.

The bottom line? I find little difference in how I handle blogging relationships and how I handle my real life relationships. There are times when I hate blogging. There are times when I hate real life. People are people. They'll make you laugh. They'll make you cry. They'll piss you off. They'll inspire you.

I don't have a cyber life and a real life - I just have a life.

~*~*~