It's been awhile

But the train wreck is back ... 

via GIPHY

So, what happened? And why am I attempting to bring this space back to life?

Well ... it all started HERE with my favorite stalker. I thought I didn't need a public place to vent - to talk about the things that made me happy and made me sad - because I had him. I also took to heart much of the criticism regarding my respect for other people's privacy when blogging - if I didn't blog, there wasn't an issue, right?

Those of you who know me know that I live most of my life as an if/then statement - if I don't do this thing, then this bad thing won't happen. It has yet to be successful for me (duh), yet I can't seem to figure out how to change it ... or if it's even changeable.

Honestly? Things might have turned out differently had I stayed active with blogging. One thing I've learned about myself (and it only took 53 years) is that there are two very different versions of me - there is the strong, independent, aloof, and confident me when I am single, and there is the dependant, needy, self-sabotaging, and insecure me when I am in a relationship. 

I can actually see how single me is attractive, not necessarily in a physical way, but in a "she's got her shit together" way. Relationship me? Not so much ...

Clearly that creates quite a problem. Someone who is attracted to single me eventually finds themselves with relationship me, and it never ends well. Although it lasted six years this time (the longest adult relationship I have ever had), this relationship was no exception, and it ended abruptly and ... well ... kind of ugly.

In hindsight *fucking hindsight* I can see this. Reflecting on the relationship, I can almost pinpoint when it happened. Sure, there were some other contributors to relationship me rearing my ugly head, primarily my insecurities regarding the 20-year age difference, always feeling like I was physically competing with women 20-years younger than me, and knowing that I could never win that rivalry, but ultimately it boiled down to knowing feeling that I am unlovable.

And that feeling of being unlovable? That is what has destroyed every single adult relationship I have had, including this one.

I've got to figure this shit out. I can't keep doing this to myself and to people I love. 

No, this blog isn't going to turn into a rehashing of all of my relationship woes, but hopefully it will be the space where I can find myself again, because I got really lost ...