Taking care of business

One of the many things that I struggle with is self-care - putting myself first at least some of the time. This has been an ongoing issue as long as I can remember, even as a child.

If I go to that place where I over-analyze everything (I'm pretty much rooted there) I know there are many reasons this has happened:

1. I am a Cancer - a caregiver by nature
2. I grew up in a dysfunctional (alcoholic) family. As the only child, I was often tasked with taking care of not only myself, but taking care of my parents as well (they were too wrapped up in their drama to handle things like cooking dinner)
3. I was brought up to have as little impact on the world as possible - to be invisible if you will
4. Struggling with weight all of my life reinforced the need to be invisible
5. I have a child with a learning difference. I have spent the last 20 years advocating for him
6. I have always felt that my value to others was what I could do for them - that without that, I had no value.

So, there are lots of reasons I've wound up where I am, but it's not working - it has never worked. 

Time to make changes, and yesterday was a BIG day for that!

Did y'all know that Amazon has an entire Sexual Wellness Department? I had no idea until just a few days ago ... but currently? I have 29 items in my cart. What?? I'm old, not DEAD! And yes, I will need to whittle that down a bit, but I figure this is the epitome of self-care! No ... this is not in my cart, but I'm not sure y'all are ready to see what is in my cart!

And can we talk about my hair? I had let it go back to it's original color ... or non-color (grey) if you will. I just stopped caring. Hell! Mike never wanted to go out with me (even before I quit caring), and I was only leaving the house about once a week - why bother?

What I was actually doing was giving up - quitting. It permeated every part of my being. So last night? This happened.

Yeppers! I went back to RED. When life is chaotic I think it's best dealt with as a fierce redhead!

And then? If I hadn't done enough self-care for the day? I joined Planet Fitness ... well, actually Cam and I both joined Planet Fitness. 

I had already decided this was going to happen at some point. I have not been exercising since Mike and I moved to Palatine three years ago and have put on about 50 lbs - UGH! Cam has spent the last year sitting on his bed playing XBox and has probably gained about the same amount of weight. We had both decided that once we made this move, getting to a gym would be a priority.

What's really goofy about all of this is that it made me feel SO GOOD! And then I started beating myself up for not doing it sooner - for quitting life.

Yeah ... I know ... I need to work on that too ...

I'll get there!