Going Green - When It Doesn't Leave A Mark You Can See

I finally got out of 2008, opting for a post I wrote in October of 2009. By this time, it was pretty clear that there was nothing I could do to save my marriage, and that I should really focus on saving myself and my son.

Although at the time this post was written, I was still with my husband, the situation would continue to escalate, and 2 months later my son and I would be moving into an apartment of our own.

It's been 3-1/2 years since I made that move. Husband and I attempted to reconcile at one point, however I knew there was no way I could ever go back to living the way I did when I was with him.

We've been separated since I moved out, but remain married (in the eyes of the law). That decision is one that stemmed from financial need - a house in both of our names - insurance coverage. We have both agreed to move on with our lives and will complete the divorce process in 2014.

I am also happy to say that I am in a new relationship now. One that is filled with what good relationships need to grow. Mike has been, and continues to be, patient with the scars that were left from being with husband as long as I was. I couldn't ask for more!

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Yesterday, Veronica over at Another Suburban Mom posted a reminder that in addition to October being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I've been with husband for six years now, married for three and a half years. He was married when we got together. It wasn't until we had been living together for 6 months that his ex-wife filed for divorce. 18 months later, their divorce was final.

Husband wasn't always on his best behavior when we dated. There were warning signs. The battering, the abuse, started long before we said "I do" ... and I ignored it. I am not a bad person. I have a lot of good qualities. Yet I'm always thinking "If I could only be a better wife," "If only I were more attractive," "If only I could fulfill his sexual desires" ... if only ... if only ...

Yesterday, as I was reading Veronica's post and clicking on some of the resources, I came across the Domestic Violence Wheel. It's funny, I actually used this very graphic in one of my posts, but didn't really consider its validity in my own relationship. Of the eight pieces of this wheel, I am currently living each and every one of them to varying degrees.

USING INTIMIDATION: Yelling - and I mean at the top of his lungs yelling - is husband's preferred method of intimidation, but he has also used throwing things, punching walls, faking a punch, etc. He intentionally interferes with my sleep, making sure I am awake any time and every time he is.

USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: I am often told how I waste my life, how I'm not living up to husband's expectations thus making him work harder. I don't keep the house clean enough. The laundry isn't done quickly enough. I didn't get his clothes to the cleaners soon enough. I don't make enough money. I need to do everything around the house to make up for my lack of financial contribution. Nothing I do is ever enough. I can always do better.

Husband often withholds "love", affection and recognition as punishment when I've done something unacceptable or something that makes him mad. There are many days (sometimes strung together into a week) when he never speaks to me, refusing to acknowledge my presence in the home.

USING ISOLATION: Husband has insisted I not talk about our relationship to anyone in our families or in the community. He distances himself from our families and "demands" the same of Cam and I, mocking and belittling us when we are so weak we must rely on family. He offered to pay the airfare for Cam and I to visit Washington this summer, then changed his mind at the last minute, making it almost impossible for us to get there.

MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: This is one of the bigger ones. It is always my actions that cause husband to act the way he does. All couples fight, but I push him and make him say things he doesn't mean. His favorite? This isn't an abusive relationship, I'm just over-sensitive due to the dysfunction of my own family growing up.

USING CHILDREN: This was the one piece of the wheel I thought I was exempt from because husband has no claims to Cam, but the truth is he often tells me how I screwed up Cam's life, how my own selfishness in becoming a single parent has destroyed any potential Cam might have, how I've ruined Cam. Attacking my parenting is a common theme.

USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Husband makes all of the major decisions without any input. If he does tell me and I disagree with his plan, my input is dismissed without consideration, usually to the tune of an eye roll. He often makes decisions that impact the family, the safety and security of the household, without allowing any input from me.

USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: This is another big one in our home. Husband puts the mortgage payment into the joint account - the account I "control" I am responsible for providing EVERYTHING else for the household and for Cam, on a salary 1/4 of his. Husband has at his disposal, $2,500 in discretionary spending each month. I have $400. In addition to scrutinizing grocery receipts, he also double checks deposits to the joint account to insure I'm not "stealing" from him. I must ask for money and justify the need should we run short in any month. He then decides if I (or Cam) am worthy.

USING COERCION & THREATS: Any time there is a disagreement, husband tells me he is going to leave and take all of his money with him, leaving me in a house that will be foreclosed on. He threatens to take Cam and me off the health insurance. Tells me to call the police because they'll never see a mark on me and will know I'm lying to them.

When I look at all of these things, I cannot deny that I am in an abusive relationship, nor can I shake the notion that this is somehow my fault. Logically, I cannot explain why I am still in this marriage, yet emotionally I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I can't tell you why I stay (although this guide offers some insight), just as I can't tell you why husband continues to batter and abuse.

I'd love to end this post by telling you all that I am leaving, that I have a plan, but all that I can tell you is that I am closer to leaving now than I ever have been before. I have reached out for help - in more than one direction - but the response has been one of "just do this next", and I've been unable to tackle that next step. All that I can manage right now is to ask for support. Chasing it down? Having to call one more person? Tell my story one more time? It's overwhelming.

I feel crazy. Embarrassed. Humiliated. What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away? How can it be battering? Abuse? If there isn't a black eye? Bruises on my arms? Broken bones? How can it be domestic violence when it doesn't leave a mark you can see?