This post was written in January of 2008, after my husband told me the reason we weren't having sex (and hadn't had sex for over 4 months) was because he was afraid I would get pregnant. I felt "pressured" to have a tubal ligation - that somehow this surgery would "fix" something very wrong in our marriage - and that not having the surgery would have been very selfish on my part.
So much has changed since then, yet looking back, it's pretty clear that ... well ...? It's pretty clear that everything was pretty clear, I just didn't want to open my eyes to look at it.
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Tomorrow is the day that I voluntarily end my childbearing years. I do this with mixed emotions.
On one hand, the thought of sex without concern for an "OOPS" baby (if I conceived today, I'd be 44 years old with a newborn - can't think of anything much more terrifying) is almost orgasmic. On the other hand, it's kind of sad to finally make the decision that I'm just too damn old to be birthing any more babies.
My "baby" will be TWELVE in a little over a month. Six more years and he'll graduate from high school. Ninety days after that he'll either be heading off to college, or getting a job and moving out. Those have been the rules since day one and all three kids (one of whom is already in college) have heard it at least weekly all of their lives. Six years and I can sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the NASCAR circuit *gigglesnort*! Now why would I even consider another eighteen year obligation?
The truth is, I wouldn't ... or at least I think I wouldn't ... but knowing that I wouldn't, and knowing that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, are completely different. Right now, I have a choice, but after surgery tomorrow, that choice will forever be gone.
There is also this idea rumbling through my head that, because I will no longer be able to have children, I am somehow less of a woman. Will this be the solution to the sexual problems in our marriage, or will it bring on an entirely different set of issues? I don't know. I wish I did.
While I contemplate lost choices and declining femininity, would anyone like to toast my fallopian tubes before they are severed??? I have until midnight to partake in the fine, distilled spirits!
On one hand, the thought of sex without concern for an "OOPS" baby (if I conceived today, I'd be 44 years old with a newborn - can't think of anything much more terrifying) is almost orgasmic. On the other hand, it's kind of sad to finally make the decision that I'm just too damn old to be birthing any more babies.
My "baby" will be TWELVE in a little over a month. Six more years and he'll graduate from high school. Ninety days after that he'll either be heading off to college, or getting a job and moving out. Those have been the rules since day one and all three kids (one of whom is already in college) have heard it at least weekly all of their lives. Six years and I can sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the NASCAR circuit *gigglesnort*! Now why would I even consider another eighteen year obligation?
The truth is, I wouldn't ... or at least I think I wouldn't ... but knowing that I wouldn't, and knowing that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, are completely different. Right now, I have a choice, but after surgery tomorrow, that choice will forever be gone.
There is also this idea rumbling through my head that, because I will no longer be able to have children, I am somehow less of a woman. Will this be the solution to the sexual problems in our marriage, or will it bring on an entirely different set of issues? I don't know. I wish I did.
While I contemplate lost choices and declining femininity, would anyone like to toast my fallopian tubes before they are severed??? I have until midnight to partake in the fine, distilled spirits!
6 comments:
The boys down at the soda shop are so happy with your decision. Cheers Dana!!
Matt-Man
I ended my childbearing days at age 29 with a hysterectomy. It was a choice, but a somewhat necessary one. I only wonder how life would be if I made a different choice every now and then :)
I am sorry you were pressured into such a big decision - even if you decided it for all your own reasons in the end, there still never should have been any pressure.
I have definitely been in the place where I wasn't ready to open my eyes and notice the very clear things happening around me. Ouch. That is never a great place to be.
It is nice to go back to that part of blogging that is all about sharing and community. I enjoy that.
I'm sorry that you did this for reasons that weren't so clear then. I had my tubes tied and made the decision at a horrible time (like 9 months pregnant-who wouldn't want their tubes tied!?). Some days I regret it very much. If I had only seen clearly then.
I'm glad you recycled this post. I can understand your angst at doing this and your fear of making it so final. I made the decision during my 3rd and final pregnancy to have my tubes tied if I had to have a csection. I did, and I did. That was a year and a half ago, and I often wonder if I made the right choice. And then I think there's no way in heck I would want to start all over again. I am joyfully getting rid of all baby items as we outgrow them with our baby. And looking forward to the day that I am a little more free from the demands of tiny ones. Of course, then I will miss it. Thanks again for sharing this!
What a difficult decision! My husband made the decision for us to take care of it on his end. I can't imagine starting over again, but the finality of it scared me at the time!
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