This post was written in January of 2008, after my husband told me the reason we weren't having sex (and hadn't had sex for over 4 months) was because he was afraid I would get pregnant. I felt "pressured" to have a tubal ligation - that somehow this surgery would "fix" something very wrong in our marriage - and that not having the surgery would have been very selfish on my part.
So much has changed since then, yet looking back, it's pretty clear that ... well ...? It's pretty clear that everything was pretty clear, I just didn't want to open my eyes to look at it.
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Tomorrow is the day that I voluntarily end my childbearing years. I do this with mixed emotions.
On one hand, the thought of sex without concern for an "OOPS" baby (if I conceived today, I'd be 44 years old with a newborn - can't think of anything much more terrifying) is almost orgasmic. On the other hand, it's kind of sad to finally make the decision that I'm just too damn old to be birthing any more babies.
My "baby" will be TWELVE in a little over a month. Six more years and he'll graduate from high school. Ninety days after that he'll either be heading off to college, or getting a job and moving out. Those have been the rules since day one and all three kids (one of whom is already in college) have heard it at least weekly all of their lives. Six years and I can sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the NASCAR circuit *gigglesnort*! Now why would I even consider another eighteen year obligation?
The truth is, I wouldn't ... or at least I think I wouldn't ... but knowing that I wouldn't, and knowing that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, are completely different. Right now, I have a choice, but after surgery tomorrow, that choice will forever be gone.
There is also this idea rumbling through my head that, because I will no longer be able to have children, I am somehow less of a woman. Will this be the solution to the sexual problems in our marriage, or will it bring on an entirely different set of issues? I don't know. I wish I did.
While I contemplate lost choices and declining femininity, would anyone like to toast my fallopian tubes before they are severed??? I have until midnight to partake in the fine, distilled spirits!
On one hand, the thought of sex without concern for an "OOPS" baby (if I conceived today, I'd be 44 years old with a newborn - can't think of anything much more terrifying) is almost orgasmic. On the other hand, it's kind of sad to finally make the decision that I'm just too damn old to be birthing any more babies.
My "baby" will be TWELVE in a little over a month. Six more years and he'll graduate from high school. Ninety days after that he'll either be heading off to college, or getting a job and moving out. Those have been the rules since day one and all three kids (one of whom is already in college) have heard it at least weekly all of their lives. Six years and I can sell the house, buy a motorhome and travel the NASCAR circuit *gigglesnort*! Now why would I even consider another eighteen year obligation?
The truth is, I wouldn't ... or at least I think I wouldn't ... but knowing that I wouldn't, and knowing that I couldn't, even if I wanted to, are completely different. Right now, I have a choice, but after surgery tomorrow, that choice will forever be gone.
There is also this idea rumbling through my head that, because I will no longer be able to have children, I am somehow less of a woman. Will this be the solution to the sexual problems in our marriage, or will it bring on an entirely different set of issues? I don't know. I wish I did.
While I contemplate lost choices and declining femininity, would anyone like to toast my fallopian tubes before they are severed??? I have until midnight to partake in the fine, distilled spirits!
