One Step, Two Step, Red Step, Blue Step

~*~

As husband and I move forward with our lives separately, I've been reflecting on my own grief process. Those 5 steps of grief? Damn if they don't apply to marriages that can't even be classified as 'happy-for-the-most-part!'

Doesn't it always start with denial? I was in this stage long before I ever moved out of husband's house. I continued to question whether the things that were happening in that relationship were 'normal' and 'deserved'. Maybe if I were thinner, prettier, made more money, was a better parent, the marriage would work? Maybe I was making a mountain out of a molehill? I got comfortable taking all of the blame for what was wrong - that was the only way I could justify having any control over making it right.

When I learned that husband's friends, family and co-workers still believed I was living in the house - that the marriage was just fine? That's when I realized just how creepy denial can be.

Then along came anger. I was stuck here for a good year, some might argue it was where I stayed so that I could continue playing the victim. *stomps feet* It wasn't fair! I had given everything financially and emotionally to this marriage, and he had not. I was making 1/3 of what husband earned, and trying to support both Cam and me on that amount, often frequenting the food bank when there was no money left for groceries. I was in such financial ruin that I had to file bankruptcy and yet he complained about covering the $30/month for insurance on my car. I was PISSED!

I was kind of hoping to skip over bargaining, but damn if I didn't land there too! For about 6 months I went on a bargaining binge. I started spending more time with husband - going out on 'dates' - stopping by the house to chit-chat. Maybe this could work if we just waited until Cam finished high school. It was Cam, and my relationship with Cam, that was the problem (Can you see the sarcasm dripping from those words?). Maybe if I found a better job, took off the weight I had regained, we could have the happily-ever-after I had dreamed of, right? Right???
Depression didn't want to be left out either. Depression has been a constant companion of mine for most of my life. Separating from husband brought depression within arms reach again, and once in a while it even decided to sit on my lap. At one point, my good buddy depression attempted to suffocate me, all but putting a plastic bag over my head and securing it with duct-tape. There have been some terribly dark times these past 27 months, and although I still have those dark times, they last only a day or 2 instead of a month or 2.

*sun breaks through the clouds and glitter falls from the sky and inspirational music is heard across the land* 

Ahhhh ... acceptance. Dreams are difficult for me to let go of, even when it becomes abundantly clear that the dream, in its current configuration, just wasn't meant to be. It took some pretty significant events (husband not acknowledging Cam at Christmas, nor on his 16th birthday - husband's refusal to help out (even a little bit) financially to make the Cavy safe for me and Cam to drive, yet spending $40K+ on a new car for himself) for me to realize that my dream was not his dream, and it never would be.

Accepting that - being okay with letting go of that one-sided dream with husband - has allowed me to focus on myself - to work on making myself the best "me" I can be.

It has also put me in a place where I can deal with dissolving the relationship in a businesslike fashion rather than getting all emotional about it, which is a very good thing as I'll be moving what's left of my and Cam's lives out of husband's house in the next 30 days.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a little sad, but the sadness is overshadowed by the knowledge that there will be (and are) good things in mine and Cam's lives again.

Who knew all that it would take to do that were 5 little steps?

~*~