Lessons Learned Last Night

~*~

• The only thing keeping us from killing our kids when they turn into teenagers is the fact that we've already spent $200,000+ of the estimated $226,920 it takes to raise them through age 18
• $226,920 would buy a nice home in most areas of the United States
• It's not just your own teenager you will want to kill
• Teenagers think walking 10+ miles, on a busy highway, in the dark, wearing all black, is a responsible thing to do
• Teenagers get mouthy when you pick them up on said highway - at the 6 mile mark - and insist they get in the car
• It is difficult to drive and simultaneously strangle your teenager
• Teenagers will jump out of a moving car, when the car is traveling under 5 mph
• Some teenagers will jump out of a moving car when the car is traveling over 5 mph
• The success rate for teenagers landing on their feet when they jump out of a car traveling under 5 mph is 100% - over 5 mph 0% (your results may vary)
• Although all of your neighbors will peek out from their windows and gape from their balconies while your teenager goes on "FUCK YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" raging rant in the parking lot, they won't call the police
• They will give you "the look" the following morning
• Teenagers think they are tough punching walls in anger
• Patching drywall is a skill
• There is a special tingly feeling you get when calling the parent of a teenager who has just jumped out of your moving car, when the car was traveling over 5 mph, has a lump the size of a cutie on his head and has an elbow that looks like ground beef, to meet you at the local ER
• The ER staff will act like teenagers always jump out a moving cars when they are traveling over 5 mph
• There is nothing quite as joyful as hearing the phrase "It's just a hematoma" at 11:37 on a Tuesday night
• A hand-washed PE uniform will dry in a paper bag in a 300 degree oven(don't ask)

~*~