Let's tackle the consideration of children first, shall we? Understand that my perspective is based on the 20 year marriage of my parents. One was an alcoholic, and the other extremely co-dependent. They married young (18 and 20) and had only one child (me) 4 years into their marriage.
I have very few good memories of my parents' marriage. In fact, one of my earliest memories (I was ... maybe 5?) involved being woken up in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming and doors slamming. Moments after all of the noise stopped, my mother was in my room scooping me out of my bed and carrying me through a "destroyed" house - glass on the floor, furniture upside down and broken - you get the picture. She took me to the home of one of her friends - people I knew of, but didn't really know. She was with me when I went to sleep on the sofa, but was gone when I woke up in the morning. I remember being scared, but also having the privilege of eating Lucky Charms, on a metallic TV tray, while watching cartoons. My mother came back to get me later that day, and we returned to a house that was clean and quiet - at least for a short while.This scene played out at least weekly during my childhood. I witnessed physical violence, and emotional abuse, between my parents on a regular basis (this was in no way one-sided - BOTH of my parents were guilty of participating). Eventually, I became the recipient of that same physical violence and emotional abuse. When I was 15, I actually used money I received as Christmas gifts to purchase a bus ticket to take me from Seattle to Spokane. I spent several days, and nights, in the Spokane Greyhound bus depot (not a good place for a 15 year old runaway) before calling my aunt and uncle who lived in Spokane to beg them to take me in.
Within days of letting my family know where I was, I was "forced" to return home. Fortunately, this event at least contributed to my parents realization that staying together, for my sake, wasn't working. What they managed to accomplish in my first 16 years of life was to define for me what a marriage should look like, and true to form, mine have looked quite similar to theirs.
Now I find myself in a similar position with my own son. No, the physical and emotional abuse is no where near the level of that of my parents, but I cannot deny that it is there, and I know from my own personal experience that I am teaching him what a marriage should look like. How terrifying is that? I do not use my son as a reason to stay with my husband. In fact, he really should be the reason I leave. In my experience, staying together for the kids never works - NEVER!Now, can we talk about that "soul mate" concept? That one, single person should be able to meet all of my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs? It's a nice thought, but isn't that an awful lot of pressure, and unrealistic expectations, to put on one person? Seriously, can anyone really say that their partner fulfills all of these needs? I don't think so ... I really don't ...
But here is the real issue. It seems that society is fine with us getting our emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs (to a certain extent) met outside of marriage. That's why we develop friendships, continue our education, attend church/synagogue/temple, etc., right?
But what happens when our physical needs are not being met and we look for those needs to be fulfilled outside of the marriage? We've got some pretty "nasty" names for it - infidelity, cheating, whoring around. Why has society put such an emphasis on those physical needs being met only within "their" narrow definition of marriage, but we can go outside of the marriage to meet - at least partially - all of those other needs?
I'd like to think there was a "soul mate" out there for me, but in reality, even those people that I know who are in happy marriages/relationships - people who tell me they've found their soul mates - they are still looking outward to fulfill their emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs, and some of them are even looking outside of that very marriage/relationship to fulfill their physical needs.
My point? I don't know as it seems I have more questions than answers here, but I do think it's important that we consider the fact that marriage is defined by the parties involved, not by some arbitrary legal or religious mumbo-jumbo. I know ... I'm totally going to hell for saying that!
37 comments:
Damn it Dana ! I normally stay away from this issue but Damn here I go.....
Marriage is nothing more then a commitment, PLAIN AND SIMPLE!
What pisses me off more then corporate corruption, is when people make a commitment till something better comes along. (narrow ?)
To stay for the kids, of course not but end it the right way.
Sorry to be to the point but marriage is more then a piece of paper.
I think most of us are brought up hearing of the "bonds" of matrimony. Don't we, most married folk, vow until death do us part? I agree with, you can call me al, marriage is more than just a piece of paper. I'm not a thumper as I call them. I believe that the vow of marriage should be one of the most important decisions you make in life. BUT your happiness and well being should not be it's sacrafice. People make mistakes. Give it your VERY BEST effort. Lets face it, there are some dicks and cunts out there and they don't show their true colors until they've tied the knot. A knot that can be untied, should be untied if in your mind you know it is just wrong. Staying together for the kids? absolutely not! I am torn on the issue of infedelity. Cardinal rule, it is a no no, WAS my thinking. I don't know. Peoples views on sex can change from when they first got together but if all the other stuff that was there is still there and better even, should this other need that isn't being met, "get met". Perplexing to me.
Your needs and desires change a bit as you grow older. "Wiser" isn't always smarter, sometimes it's a "too tired to fight anymore" or hormones that aren't as young as they used to be. You are not to that age, but you will be someday! My sister got divorced after 30 yrs. of marriage, remarried a guy that has been great for her and said to me once "I didn't want to die someday with regrets about staying in a bad marriage". Do what you think you must- this was not intended to be an answer, just an opinion...
I don't believe in soul mates. I have seen too many marriages fall apart...too much hurt.
My theory is that you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy or complete your life. You have to make yourself full and your partner will compliment that.
Agreed that marriages should not stay together for the kids. That is a bad, bad idea.
Al, your tirades are always welcome here, and I agree that a marriage should be more than a piece of paper, I just haven't seen that modeled well.
Lu, I don't believe that many (most?) people really do have a "'til death do us part" mentality - more of a "now that we are married I can quite trying" mentality.
Buff, I think there is always that physical need in a marriage. Maybe not just sex, but physical intimacy - touching, holding hands, sitting next to each other. I understand that age changes the dynamics, but should any of the component parts go away?
I really have no way to comment on this. I'm not judgmental in general and when it comes to the affairs of the heart and the relationships of others...I stay way out and mind my own business.
I feel in matters such as this, each situation is so differing that people outside of the situation cannot offer a good answer. Cheers Dana!!
While reading through the TMI's yesterday I was shocked to see just how many people claim to have the fairy tale life.
Maybe it's not a claim, maybe I'm just jaded.
I tried to have an opinion by typing a few things. Nah!
I agree with Al on what a marriage should be. I'm just not so sure many people are capable of keeping to a commitment forever. Too much changes. You either grown together or apart and I think more often than not in this day and age apart is more likely.
The only opinion is the one I have about my life. I married 'late' (30 years old)...I played hard before that and spent a number of the last years meeting neurotic, unstable women. I had decided I would just not marry and then i met the woman I did marry.
Our only child was born three years later and things were good.
Financially things got worse and it put a strain on the marriage, but we still had the friendship and the romance.
Then those things began to wane. I did not leave for two reasons...my son and honestly I could not afford it.
Eventually we became two people who shared a house and a son. there was no friendship...no romance.
Do you stick it out because of the 'bonds' of matrimony?
The offer to move to Memphis gave us an opportunity to see what it was like apart. Then she announced, at a family gathering, she was not moving.
Divorce followed. Do I still have feelings for her? SURE, she IS the mother of my son.
I support her generously (I was told by both the lawyer and the Divorce judge I was VERY generous). Does it put a strain on my lifestyle now?
YOU bet your ass. But my son lives with her, she has health issues and i could not just 'kick her to the curb'.
Am I happy now? Happier than I have been in years.
Tow Decembers ago when we were all with my parents for Christmas, my dad turned to me and said "You have not been Vinny in years, I hope you find him again."
I have and in doing so, I also found a woman who fills my brain, heart and soul with the things I had been missing.
Is it the perfect thing? Can anything be perfect?
But I know that I could be happy with this relationship for a very long future.
What others do, they do for themselves...I can not judge...I have a great friend who continues to live in a marriage that brings him no happiness, no romance and no satisfaction.
I had to move on.
What a difficult problem. I also grew up in a violent and tumultuous household. I have an alcoholic Father and severely depressed and paranoid Mother. It seemed like every moment was spent waiting for the next eruption or embarrassment. I was in such a hurry to get away I got married to the first person I thought could put up with my pitiful ass. I soon found myself in an abusive relationship of my own. There is no way to describe the abuse because I was a strapping 6’3” boy who paid his way through college with a wrestling scholarship, and she was a 5’0” tall 100 lb. girl. Since this is just a comment on your experience I will not try to get my life story in this small box, but I hung it out for 16 years for the sake of the children. In the long run I only succeeded in damaging all of us in some way for being so stubborn about it. I was rewarded with scars both physical and emotional for hanging around. You couldn’t be more correct when you say you are setting an example for your son. The best example you can give him is refusing to allow abuse of any kind in your life.
Marriage, vows, agreements, contracts etc…….these are just words. The existence of a soul mate is decided after you have bared yourself, with all your flaws, and they still love you. It takes a long time for someone to see the good the bad and the ugly. More importantly than loving your mate, you need to like them. Why on earth would you want to be around someone all the time if they weren’t your best friend? My commitment to my 2nd wife would exist with or without a piece of paper. My feelings for her and our family are ineffable. The responsibilities I have as the Husband, Father, and friend to them is not a burden like I felt in my 1st marriage, actually this time around I truly feel it is a privilege. I would take all of this for granted if I hadn’t spent my time in hell with the evil bitch I married the first time.
I truly wish you luck. You need to feel some happiness before you die. You will not get another chance to get it right; none of us get a dress rehearsal, just a final performance. I have already exceeded my word limit, so I will leave the issue of sex and infidelity to others. I bid you peace pretty lady ;)
Karen, I really thought I was the only woman alive who didn't believe in the "soul mate" term - I am so glad that you are a freak too!
Matt-Man, maybe that's the answer - that there really isn't a blanket answer ...
Leighann, I don't know if it is because many of the TMI participants are you and still far less cynical than I am, or if their significant others just read their blogs *giggle*, but I was quite surprised as well.
I was an only child. I witness my parents fighting. I witness my father getting very angry and destroying things...and now? I witness my dad, taking care of my mom who has Alzheimer's and does not even know who anyone is...can no longer speak...she grunts for the things she wants.
Did they stay together for me? I don't know. What I do know, is that right now, everyone outside of our family has told me that my Dad should put my mom in the Nursing home where better care can be provided. He can then be free to enjoy his retirement better. He refuses. He does love her very much.
Sure, he has the legal document that says he is married.
Sure, he went through the religious ceremony to identify himself with being married.
I have a feeling that he was married to her long before any of that. I have a feeling that he was married to her during the hard times. I also have a feeling that he was married to her when things were easy and going smoothly too.
I feel that in this world of easy divorces, that we have lost some of that kind of commitment and lost the true definition of what it means to be married.
I am not talking about relationships where there is abuse of anything...emotions, alcohol, spousal, child abuse etc. That is a very different set of issues and one has to wonder why it was not more prominent before one gets married.
My point? I guess what defines marriage is whether or not you love that person enough to stick through it all. If not, then I guess you don't have a marriage.
Do you stick through it for the kids? No, I don't believe that you should. But answer the question above and you are at the core to a marriage. It will define the relationship through the test of time.
Flyinfox_SATX
Micky, CHICKEN ...
Knight, I think when society has a term frequently used called "starter marriages" (i.e. first marriages used as a means to discover what one really wants in a second marriage), the "sanctity" of marriage is really lost.
Bond, perfect ... maybe that's where the issue lies. We are so bombarded with the "Happily Ever After" mentality that when hardships arise we think they don't belong and give up. I think the trick is in deciding when a hardship becomes a situation that is insurmountable.
I come from a home with loving nurturing parents who are still happy after what will be 36 years in November. I am now a third wife to my husband, but he is my first marriage (not that i am planning more-but you never know-our odds aren't so great based on the published stats). I have a step daughter who has learned the art of manipulation and uses it on her parents regularly. I watched my friends turn their divorced parents against each other all through my elementary/middle school years. I also watched a close friend cry because she hated her home life beacuase of the fights her parents had daily. I realized a long time ago that staying together "for the kids" is not the answer. Staying strong for the kids is. You can divorce and still provide a united parental front for your children. Or even a stronger front as a single parent who doesn't take shit from someone else. You can divorce and still let your child know that they are loved. Despite the fact that my family was "perfect" ;), I understand that some people are just toxic together.
I have a friend who had been my friend for 20 years. I am 33, so that is more than half my life. We have always joked that we are soulmates. We have the same views on religion, kids, marriage, and many "controversial" topics. We completely understand each other's sense of humor. We get along very well. The only thing we haven't done is have sex with each other. We are ok with that. But she is my soulmate in every other way. She meets many of my emotional and mental needs, but I do go elsewhere for several other needs, because I have quite a few good friends who understand me. I am ok with this. My marriage is important to me, but I can't say that I don't meet any of my needs elsewhere. So far my sexual needs are met with my husband. That is not to say that one day I might find a reason to go to someone else sexually. That would have to be something I deal with if the situation arises.
Just for the record my marriage vows included "until we aren't in love with each other any more" and not "til death do we part". There was also no "forsaking all others' crap. Some people thought that was tacky, I thought it was honest. It also leaves us an out that will not make us feel as if we have failed by not doing the whole til death thing. We had a friend get ordained to perform our ceremony because I am not religious and did not want any prayers or other religious acts in my ceremony. There were a few other nontraditional aspects in my wedding beacuse I have never felt that weddings were neccessary. I am not saying that I am unhappy with my choice to get married, but I am saying that I chose to do it on my terms and not based on what was expected.
Sorry to make such a huge comment.
OK, my parents had a falling out MAJOR when I was four or five. Four children, youngest two or three. I consider it none of my buisness what there problem was at the time, although I found out later and felt it was "to much infomation". They stuck it out for us! My mom was an angel in the eyes of my dad, and he let it be known all the years we lived in their home. Not sure what my dad was, in the eyes of my mom. She yelled at him quite a bit but hell not any more than she yelled at her three sons. They slept together in a room off the kitchen and the door was always wide open, never closed. When the youngest left the house they got a divorce and both went their seperate ways, a total shock to me! They lived the life they made for themselfs and never let it interfere in our upbringing. Not being them, I can't say they did right or wrong for themselfs but they sure did right for me and my brothers and sister.
There is a sailing magazine that I subscribe to, Latitudes & Attitudes published by an old Calif. biker who took to sailing and the cruising lifestyle [living aboard].
He has two sayings that he repeats over and over in the rag and also sells wood and brass plaques with these on it.
I think both of these sayings are important in anything we do in life,anything.
ATTITUDE= The difference between an ordeal and an adventure.
"Don't dream your life, live your dream"
BillyT, this post doesn't really lend itself to short comments, does it? It does sound like you and I have had somewhat parallel lives. The more I hang out here in blog-land, the more I realize just how "normal" I am. I appreciate the words - all of them!
Flyinfox, so much of what I read feels like obligation. I wonder if that is not what many people feel - an obligation to stay in a marriage, and I wonder if obligation is the same as love? Maybe this is just all skewed in my world because I don't there has never been love without obligation ... or maybe that's just the way it is.
Ambergail77, no need to apologize for a long comment. As I said above, this post almost requires them. I did not do traditional vows or a traditional wedding this time either, but I think we might still have had the "death" line. I do know that we eliminated that "obey" crap though!
I've seen a lot of emotional abuse but luckily it was counteracted by a few decent family members.
Whenever I hear something come out of my mouth that originated from those times. I stop apologize and make not never to do it again.
for me lets see - I have been married before - my son is born out of wedlock not to the woman I was married to (we were divorced already) my ex wife and I are great friends and we always were we just hit a bump in the road that we could not get over. My childs mom and I were never friends and we never will be - would I stick around a bad situation for a child no and I didnt. would I stick around a bad situation period - no, never. Have people stuck around when they said I am no good - no - should they have - no. Point here is if it isnt fun dont do it. Do you ever do things knowing full well it will cause you pain or sickness? If you said yes then I dont know what to think.
Wow! I guess one my pithy, semi-humorous comments would be really out of place in this discussion.
Really though, I got nothing. I've never been married and have a bit of low opinion of it. But, staying together for the kids is just stupid. Mostly because the kids are a lot smarter than the parents give them credit for and know a hell of a lot more about what's going on than the parents think they do.
I learned a lot here today. Thanks Dana. Thanks people who left a comment.
Dana, you made a point (several actually) that almost made me re-think my "soulmate" answer on my TMI post from yesterday. But after reading the WHOLE post and not just jumping to a preclusive decision, I now see that it was only because we each have a slightly different definition of the term. I totally agree with you on the fact that very few (if any) people could remain happy, or even sane, if they had to depend on any one person to fulfill every need, whether it be a physical, emotional or any other need.
My difference in opinion comes primarily from an interpretive standpoint. I think I could maintain a tolerable level of contentment if forced to lean on that one other person for fulfilling the needs, as long as the other person was not only acknowledging of, but also receptive to the fact that the needs exist. It goes back to my initial answer of "marriage" being a constantly changing partnership that requires a near-constant effort on both parties involved.
And as far as staying in a bad marriage for the benefit of the kid(s)...I think forcing the kid to remain in such a situation has the exact opposite effect. It's far more harmful to the child if he/she is forced to live and *attempt to grow up* in that type of environment.
I am going to disagree with anyone who says marriage is anything other than a little piece of paper. Marriage has always been a legal contract, it has nothing to do with romance. There is a double standard in this country, where we accept cheating and lying as normal human behavior (if distasteful), but refuse to accept that consensual adults could agree to allow each other to be human within their relationships. I'm no less committed to my husband than any of those happy marital bliss types, but the truth is we make each other freakin' bonkers. We've both contemplated divorce, but we figure we're worth it. That's our relationship with each other. Nothing about that changes our ability to form other relationships with other people. Life and love are different for everyone. Some people are inherently monogamous (though I think that's more cultural than biological), and that's fine. But I'm not, and I'm not about to tell anyone that consenting adults can't do what they feel most comfortable with.
Dana, the only person who can decide what to do about your marriage and your life is you. Is there anything there to fight for? I may not know you well enough, but I haven't ever heard you say anything positive about him. You debate finances, and your happiness, and Cam's welfar... but I have never heard you say how you actually *feel* about your husband.
Do you?
Boo - Dana's been telling us how she feels about her husband quite vividly. She just hasn't used specific words relating to her feelings about him.
The term "soulmate" is terribly overused and misunderstood. I think it best you can find someone that comes close to being your soulmate.
Maybe there ought to be a five-year trial marriage before we can have children. For their sake and our own. Marriage was invented to meet biological and sociological needs which have changed. Maybe marriage needs to change with the times. People change so much over time that it's hard to cleave to a concept in which people are married until death. All too often the marriage is dead and the people are still in it.
Watching your parents catastrophic marriage and then becoming a victim of abuse your self put you at such a disadvantage in so many ways. Children from abusive families have excellent radar in picking out abusive husbands and wives. It's hard to know what to say.
Micky, thank you for sharing what really is the "other" side. And I have to admit that I do like "Don't dream your life, live your dream"
Hammer, I have, on occasion, found myself in a place where words were being repeated without even thinking about it. I do the same - stop, apologize and make sure never to do it again.
DB, you have put it in quite simple terms and are absolutely right!
Jay, I don't know if semi-humorous would be out of place at all ... sometimes it's good to laugh!
Knight, good discussions and multiple perspectives are always great learning tools.
Good Dr., it really does boil down to communication and a willingness to do whatever it takes to be successful, doesn't it?
Boo(duh), I was really hoping you would comment on this post as I appreciate and identify with your perspective. Anything to fight for? Honestly, there are glimpses of hope, but they are few and far between.
Neil, one of the most difficult parts of this marriage has been blending families. Not only did I marry my husband, but I married his children and his ex-wife as well. And yes, my radar seems to work all to well.
Marriage is so much more than a piece of paper, but people seem, in my opinion, to not really grasp what a huge thing it is. It requires so much more than love, romance or legal status. So many folks that I know just rush right into things, with no thought to preparing themselves to find a spouse, no idea what they want out of life, and no semblance of an idea how to get there. People link up casually and just let themselves fall into marriage after they think an appropriate amount of time has passed, as though it were always the next logical step. Do you know anyone these days that considered being financially and emotionally ready before they began the process of dating to find a spouse? If people would just take the time to grow up and figure out what they want before they start dating seriously, they might know when they find someone with the same goals. It takes a lot of time to assess whether you share any real values with someone, not only on the short term, but in a way that will help the two of you to build a life together. Noone wants to consider the realities of a person's character, but instead rely on love to change the things that should be red flags in a spouse's behavior. How many of the people involved in terrible marriages that you know say things like "I knew he/she drank a lot, but I thought they would change", "I know he/she is not Catholic/Jewish/whatever, but we'll raise the kids in my church" without really having any idea what their spouse has in mind for the kids. Those are just 2 of the many, many issues that people fail to consider when marrying which come back to bite them in the ass. Marriage is absolutely a commitment, second only to the commitment you make to a child when you become it's parent. And as far as staying together for the kids, barring an evil or abusive parent, the child deserves both it's parents in an intact family environment, therefore it is incumbent on those parents to make their ABSOLUTE BEST EFFORT to preserve a stable home for a child. And that DOES mean sacrificing a lot to maintain a home. Indeed, sometimes the situation is hopeless, but really, breaking up a home with two good parents, just because someone isn't "happy" is not the answer. Happiness sometimes comes and goes, LOVE is what happens in between. If more people took the process of picking a spouse as seriously as they should the divorce rate in this country would plummet. If there is a flaw in THAT logic, I can't see it.
FMD
Wow this must be a hot button issue. You have a lot of big, long comments.
I don't think it's ever a good idea to stay with someone if there is abuse. Let me say this and I mean it 100%. If my husband ever hurt my daughters or me physically, I'd pack my shit and get out.
Sad you had to grow up with that. I had a different experience as I grew up with a single mother who was quite promiscuous. I don't think that is a great model for a young girl either. Not that fulfilling your physical needs is bad but the way she went about it was entirely wrong and left me often feeling less than and unworthy.
Marriage is just a legally binding contract and a commitment between two people. I don't think anyone could fulfill another person 100%. That is a lot to ask!
Great thought provoking post once again, Dana!
Every single person has their OWN thoughts and feelings on marriage. I would never, EVER stay in an abusive marriage just for the kids. To me, you are right. It does more harm than good.
Soul Mates. I believe that Chris is mine, but you know what? WE HAVE PROBLEMS. Who DOESN'T have problems, right? People argue with their best friends, their sisters, brothers, moms, dads, etc. Does that make the relationship doomed? Nope. Not at all, cause it's all about respect and love. Hitting, emotionally and verbally abusing someone is NOT a proper relationship.
Now, I would NEVER cheat on my husband. I cheated on my last one because he was an ass, but it just made me feel worse (well, LATER on!). People have to do what they feel is best, and what's best for them and their children, not what's best for someone else.
But that's just my opinion!
fu manchu dad: I disagree. Marriage is a piece of paper. The relationship you found the marriage on is what is important. When we get up all in arms over this whole marriage thing, we're putting the emphasis on entirely the wrong part of the equation. Never expect anyone to change. Accept them for who they are now. I have something deeper with my husband than most couples have. I'm very lucky, and my husband and I are fully committed to each other - but love is not a finite thing. If I were smarter and more eloquent I might change someone's mind, but I don't have to.
That all of one’s physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs can and will be met by one person is as much a fable as romantic love is a fable. I don’t deny that it happens; the proof, to me, is seen in those elderly couples in which one partner dies shortly after the other as life cannot continue without one’s soul mate. But that kind of love is, I think, the exception.
As for sexual “infidelity,” Judeo/Christian/Islamic religions created that mandate primarily for an economic reason: to insure than a male’s inheritance is received by his authentic heir. Throughout history, being “faithful to one’s spouse” has really meant “being faithful to one’s husband.” Societies looked the “other way” and winked at male infidelity while no tolerating female infidelity.
Contemporarily the development of effective birth control, especially the Pill, freed women from much of that crap. And, in the fullness of time (the 1960s), there came “the Sexual Revolution.” Unfortunately, quickly following the Sexual Revolution came HIV and AIDS. Therefore, to me, the drive for sexual fidelity is today primarily the threat of STDs.
Dana, I don’t think I have answered any questions. Unless, of course, your excellent questions aroused in me an answer that leads to more questions. That’s what philosopher Sam Keen says that a good question always does: leads to answers that promote other good questions.
Let's see...
I do believe in a soulmate, but my definition is different than yours.
A soulmate, for me, is not the person who can fulfill every single desire and need. Human beings are social animals and varied interactions are essential to us. I believe one's soulmate is more like a touchstone, or as I like to refer to it, a soulmate is "home". It's the constant you can count on. It doesn't mean that a soulmate is a fairytale like creature and that finding that person means there will be rainbows and faeries and cotton candy clouds... and it's not a guarantee that there will never be stormy clouds.
I think before we enter into a committed relationship we really have to ask each other what we expect from it... for me it was important that my sweetie and I enter into a relationship as partners. And we both felt that way. We had that conversation a year ago and are now working towards building on that.
Oh.. staying together for the kids? Not if it gives them a skewed view of what a solid foundation and loving relationship is.
Great blog, Dana. I can relate to so much of what you describe.
/v
After 5 years of fighting and misery, I knew I had to leave b/c my 4YO son ran across the room and kicked his dad b/c of the way he was talking to me.
But the way he was talking to me was the way he almost always talked to me.
I realized that I didn't want my sons to feel like they had to protect me, or that what we had was normal.
My parents divorced after 25 years - I know they loved each other, as much as they could love anything, but they were both very sick people, and didn't have respect for each other. I grew up thinking that was normal and okay.
I was wrong. Respect and friendship is so much more than love.
I wish you all the best.
Post a Comment