Sunday Secret

Throw Momma from the Train

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Or not, at least on Mother's Day. That is unless you are hoping your wife will have an affair (sometimes it makes the marriage easier).

If you are one who looks at skewed data from bad statistical pools and deems it fact, moms who feel neglected on Mother's Day are more likely to create a dating profile on Ashley Madison the day after Mother’s Day.

The day after Mother's Day is Ashley Madison's second busiest day of the year for new female memberships, right behind the day after the Valentine’s Day *GASP*

See?? Every kiss begins with Kay, and if it doesn't? Every affair begins with A(shley Madison).

Don't believe me? Here are a few statistics:

• On a  typical Monday, Ashley Madison averages between 2500 and 3000 new female memberships.
• In 2009, more than 24,000 new women signed up the day after Mother’s Day.
• In 2010, there were 31,427 new post-Mother’s Day sign ups
• 67% of those new female sign-ups identified themselves as stay-at-home-moms.
• Over 2/3 of these stay-at-home-moms had been considering an affair before Mother’s Day.

Hey moms? I know Ashley Madison is tempting, but I've got a better idea!

Why don't you let your baby-daddy know what would make Mother's Day special for you? When he asks, "What would you like for Mother's Day?" don't respond with, "Nothing..." and then expect brunch reservations at your favorite restaurant.

You'd be surprised at how well honesty works in a marriage!

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(2/365)

Sage Advice

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A few weeks back, in my I can See Through You post, I touched briefly on anonymous bloggers. There was one group of those bloggers that I left out (intentionally) because mentioning that group seems to get them all up in arms and their comments tend to drag the post off topic. Who is that group? The married folks who crave the attention of an affair without the "risk" of doing it in real life.

*DISCLAIMER* I was one of those people, and some might say I still am. I am not denying nor minimizing my own actions. If you are inclined to launch personal attacks on my morals, I'll just agree with you, so save your ammunition.

One of these bloggers - Southern Sage - was someone I "knew" from early on in his (and my) blogging forays. He was my first link to HNT. We had a cyber friendship that crossed "superficial" friendship boundaries. I knew he had a wife and two children, but it really didn't matter. My actions were "harmless" because I wasn't ever going to meet him, right?? Right???

Over time, that friendship fizzled. There wasn't any catastrophic event that occurred. No angry words. No ridiculous cyber drama. I still stopped by his "place" on occasion, and he stopped by mine. We just went in different directions with blogging and blogging relationships and moved on. I never really thought much about it again.

Then I heard through the grape vine that Sage had picked up and left the cyber world. Sure enough, a quick click on his blog brought up this screen:


He was gone, not only on Blogger, but on Twitter and Facebook as well. It was a pretty safe assumption that his anonymity had been compromised and he was scrambling to pick up the pieces of devastation he left behind.

That in itself is not unusual. My guess is it happens throughout the interwebs more often than many people would like to believe. The internet has a dark side - a secret world that many of us delve into where we can carry on an "affair" we'd never consider in real life as the risk is just too great. I understand it. I've been a part of it.

What bothered me were the (as Hubman so succinctly put it) "eulogies" to him. There were several women who blogged about what Sage meant to them. That he was "loyal, honest, trustworthy, caring, kind, confident, intelligent, charming and sexy as hell." Presumably these women knew the circumstances behind his departure - that his wife became aware of his on-line alter ego - and still they used words like "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy"? How does that work? How can you be "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy" when you are leading two very separate and distinct lives - keeping huge secrets from the one you've committed your life to?

*NOTE* I had every intention of linking to the blog posts that I came across - I don't like to use the passive-aggressive approach to blogging (unless it's a Sunday Secret) - however the bloggers involved apparently had second thoughts about their part in all of this. One of the bloggers removed her original post and one of the bloggers has now gone private.

What should have been (in my humble opinion - considering the circumstances) a quiet disappearance out of respect for Sage's wife, children and the situation he was clearly in, turned in to what can only be described as a selfish celebration - an adulation - of a man who severely compromised the integrity of his marriage. Really?

I have nothing against Sage. I would not wish this on anyone. I sincerely hope he and "The Bride" (as he called her) are somehow able to mend this tremendous breach in their marriage. As someone who has been on both sides of this issue once or twice in my life, I know their success will be the exception, but that it can be done. I wish them the best.

But really, is this someone we need to put up on a pedestal and glorify? He's a guy with an internet connection and a lot of time on his hands. A guy we may have loved, hated, or not even known. A guy who made some really bad choices and left a wake of destruction behind him.

(hijacked from Emmy)

It's a good reminder for all of us ... well, except Matt-Man, and maybe Jay, but the rest of us?? Yeah, we've got internet access. Big fucking deal ...

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I'm Cheating

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It's been a week of infidelity here ... well, on the blog anyway. Monday there was the Ashley Madison discussion. TMI Tuesday addressed "cybering." Like it or not, infidelity and adultery are alive and well. No, the internet doesn't cause infidelity but it does make it much more accessible. When you add in our society's "entitlement" to instant gratification, you've got ... well ... a perfect infidelity storm!

If you have any doubts about infidelity, just do a quick blogger search and you'll find a plethora (I love that word) of bloggers willing to share their excursions with you. Of course, we don't really know if these infidelity bloggers are really adulterers, or if they are just amazing writers who have a firm grasp on fiction, a vivid sexual imagination and an understanding of their audience. Whatever the case may be, it's a topic we love to hate. We detest the idea, yet we want to hear all about it. We've all seen (or been part of) the emotional and social fallout of cheating, yet some of us just can't resist the temptation.

There are tons of statistics on infidelity floating around. Some studies say that as many as 50 percent of women cheat on their husbands, and 70 percent of men return the favor. A well-respected study done by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center in 2002 found that 15 percent of women surveyed said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married. Men? 22 percent said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married.

So, why is monogamy so difficult for some people? There is a theory that biology predisposes us to seek multiple sex partners. I believe there is quite a bit of science behind that theory, but I also believe it is overused as an excuse. We have logical reasoning and empathy on our side. We are not driven solely by instinct. We can make the choice to be monogamous even if it is a difficult choice to make.

If we can be monogamous, what makes a cheater cheat? There are probably just as many answers to that question as there are people who cheat, but I think most fall into some manifestation of one of two basic categories: the hunter and the victim.

The hunter enjoys the chase. They measure their desirability by the number of their conquests. I think those falling in this category tend to be narcissistic - craving and demanding affection and attention with little desire to return those same emotions. When they stop feeling special in their primary relationship, they find a new one that does make them feel special. They hunt. They conquer. But that special feeling is elusive and must continue to be hunted.

The victims? (*EDIT* I don't mean to imply that the victim is a victim of infidelity, but rather that the victim's position is that he/she is not getting what they need in the home - they are a victim of their spouse's neglect.) They are the ones who are well aware of the shortcomings of their primary relationship and actively seek what they want outside the relationship, justifying (self-victimizing) it as they go. This is kind of the passive/aggressive approach to infidelity - things are incomplete in their marriage, but rather than resolving those issues, they fill the gap elsewhere, holding on to their marriage just in case.

No, it's not quite that black and white. The definition of infidelity, when it isn't the actual physical act of sex, seems to be the wild card in all of this. Is a stolen kiss infidelity? What about "cybering" with a committed cyber lover, or watching RedTube (don't click that link if you are in the presence of children or co-workers) while your spouse sleeps? Does the internet promote infidelity, or does it just change the way people go about getting there?

What do you think?

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A special thanks to Vinny and to Biscuit! Their comments yesterday were the inspiration for this post that had been rattling in my brain for quite some time.

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TMI Tuesday #177

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I'm indulging myself in frivolous mind candy today and participating in TMI Tuesday. It's rainy here and my brain feels a bit rusted.

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

I am pro-healthy relationships and pro-realistic decision to marry.

I don't believe that marriage it is the only way to secure a committed, long-term relationship, and I don't believe that a committed, long-term relationship is the best place for everyone. I've also known far to many people who have gotten married (me included) who had absolutely no realistic expectation of what marriage would be, nor did they have the commitment to stick with it when the going got tough. Marriage isn't immediate gratification, nor is it the "prize", but rather it is the beginning of many, many years of hard - sometimes overwhelming - work.

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

Let's see ... people have been having sex for thousands of years and I think I've come up with something new? I don't think so, although I've certainly given it my best shot at times.

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

I like a busy schedule most days, but like my time to relax too.

Ohhhh ... You were asking about being tied up during sex? Honestly, I don't know! No one has ever gone there with me!

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

For the sake of clarification, I'll assume "online cybering" means engaging in sexual discussions, performing sexual acts via webcam, etc. for someone other than one's spouse/significant other.

I'm going to play with semantics here. My personal definition of adultery is extramarital, physical sex. Physically, cybering isn't adultery, the real question is, is it emotional adultery?

I would say that emotional adultery is what we commonly call infidelity, or the violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of the primary, committed relationship (physical or emotional). I think "online cybering" falls into that latter category.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

You're kidding, right?

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

I want sex more times per day, more times per week, more times per month, more times per year, more times per decade ... are you noticing a pattern here?

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

Husband is an extremely outgoing person - friendly with everyone. He's not inappropriate with his attention to other women so I feel no threat at all.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

GAHHH ... no! I might be flirty on this blog on occasion, and in my comments, but in real life? I don't have the self-confidence to pull off flirty.

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Really, What Should a Marriage Be?

I was out and about yesterday, reading many of the TMI Tuesday responses to the questions submitted by Babushka and Kahuna, and there were two things that caught my attention that I thought were worthy of further discussion: should children factor in to deciding if you remain in a "bad" marriage, and should your life partner meet every one of your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs?

Let's tackle the consideration of children first, shall we? Understand that my perspective is based on the 20 year marriage of my parents. One was an alcoholic, and the other extremely co-dependent. They married young (18 and 20) and had only one child (me) 4 years into their marriage.

I have very few good memories of my parents' marriage. In fact, one of my earliest memories (I was ... maybe 5?) involved being woken up in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming and doors slamming. Moments after all of the noise stopped, my mother was in my room scooping me out of my bed and carrying me through a "destroyed" house - glass on the floor, furniture upside down and broken - you get the picture. She took me to the home of one of her friends - people I knew of, but didn't really know. She was with me when I went to sleep on the sofa, but was gone when I woke up in the morning. I remember being scared, but also having the privilege of eating Lucky Charms, on a metallic TV tray, while watching cartoons. My mother came back to get me later that day, and we returned to a house that was clean and quiet - at least for a short while.

This scene played out at least weekly during my childhood. I witnessed physical violence, and emotional abuse, between my parents on a regular basis (this was in no way one-sided - BOTH of my parents were guilty of participating). Eventually, I became the recipient of that same physical violence and emotional abuse. When I was 15, I actually used money I received as Christmas gifts to purchase a bus ticket to take me from Seattle to Spokane. I spent several days, and nights, in the Spokane Greyhound bus depot (not a good place for a 15 year old runaway) before calling my aunt and uncle who lived in Spokane to beg them to take me in.

Within days of letting my family know where I was, I was "forced" to return home. Fortunately, this event at least contributed to my parents realization that staying together, for my sake, wasn't working. What they managed to accomplish in my first 16 years of life was to define for me what a marriage should look like, and true to form, mine have looked quite similar to theirs.

Now I find myself in a similar position with my own son. No, the physical and emotional abuse is no where near the level of that of my parents, but I cannot deny that it is there, and I know from my own personal experience that I am teaching him what a marriage should look like. How terrifying is that? I do not use my son as a reason to stay with my husband. In fact, he really should be the reason I leave. In my experience, staying together for the kids never works - NEVER!

Now, can we talk about that "soul mate" concept? That one, single person should be able to meet all of my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs? It's a nice thought, but isn't that an awful lot of pressure, and unrealistic expectations, to put on one person? Seriously, can anyone really say that their partner fulfills all of these needs? I don't think so ... I really don't ...

But here is the real issue. It seems that society is fine with us getting our emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs (to a certain extent) met outside of marriage. That's why we develop friendships, continue our education, attend church/synagogue/temple, etc., right?

But what happens when our physical needs are not being met and we look for those needs to be fulfilled outside of the marriage? We've got some pretty "nasty" names for it - infidelity, cheating, whoring around. Why has society put such an emphasis on those physical needs being met only within "their" narrow definition of marriage, but we can go outside of the marriage to meet - at least partially - all of those other needs?

I'd like to think there was a "soul mate" out there for me, but in reality, even those people that I know who are in happy marriages/relationships - people who tell me they've found their soul mates - they are still looking outward to fulfill their emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs, and some of them are even looking outside of that very marriage/relationship to fulfill their physical needs.

My point? I don't know as it seems I have more questions than answers here, but I do think it's important that we consider the fact that marriage is defined by the parties involved, not by some arbitrary legal or religious mumbo-jumbo. I know ... I'm totally going to hell for saying that!