~*~*~
A few weeks back, in my I can See Through You post, I touched briefly on anonymous bloggers. There was one group of those bloggers that I left out (intentionally) because mentioning that group seems to get them all up in arms and their comments tend to drag the post off topic. Who is that group? The married folks who crave the attention of an affair without the "risk" of doing it in real life.
*DISCLAIMER* I was one of those people, and some might say I still am. I am not denying nor minimizing my own actions. If you are inclined to launch personal attacks on my morals, I'll just agree with you, so save your ammunition.
One of these bloggers - Southern Sage - was someone I "knew" from early on in his (and my) blogging forays. He was my first link to HNT. We had a cyber friendship that crossed "superficial" friendship boundaries. I knew he had a wife and two children, but it really didn't matter. My actions were "harmless" because I wasn't ever going to meet him, right?? Right???
Over time, that friendship fizzled. There wasn't any catastrophic event that occurred. No angry words. No ridiculous cyber drama. I still stopped by his "place" on occasion, and he stopped by mine. We just went in different directions with blogging and blogging relationships and moved on. I never really thought much about it again.
Then I heard through the grape vine that Sage had picked up and left the cyber world. Sure enough, a quick click on his blog brought up this screen:
He was gone, not only on Blogger, but on Twitter and Facebook as well. It was a pretty safe assumption that his anonymity had been compromised and he was scrambling to pick up the pieces of devastation he left behind.
That in itself is not unusual. My guess is it happens throughout the interwebs more often than many people would like to believe. The internet has a dark side - a secret world that many of us delve into where we can carry on an "affair" we'd never consider in real life as the risk is just too great. I understand it. I've been a part of it.
What bothered me were the (as Hubman so succinctly put it) "eulogies" to him. There were several women who blogged about what Sage meant to them. That he was "loyal, honest, trustworthy, caring, kind, confident, intelligent, charming and sexy as hell." Presumably these women knew the circumstances behind his departure - that his wife became aware of his on-line alter ego - and still they used words like "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy"? How does that work? How can you be "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy" when you are leading two very separate and distinct lives - keeping huge secrets from the one you've committed your life to?
*NOTE* I had every intention of linking to the blog posts that I came across - I don't like to use the passive-aggressive approach to blogging (unless it's a Sunday Secret) - however the bloggers involved apparently had second thoughts about their part in all of this. One of the bloggers removed her original post and one of the bloggers has now gone private.
What should have been (in my humble opinion - considering the circumstances) a quiet disappearance out of respect for Sage's wife, children and the situation he was clearly in, turned in to what can only be described as a selfish celebration - an adulation - of a man who severely compromised the integrity of his marriage. Really?
I have nothing against Sage. I would not wish this on anyone. I sincerely hope he and "The Bride" (as he called her) are somehow able to mend this tremendous breach in their marriage. As someone who has been on both sides of this issue once or twice in my life, I know their success will be the exception, but that it can be done. I wish them the best.
But really, is this someone we need to put up on a pedestal and glorify? He's a guy with an internet connection and a lot of time on his hands. A guy we may have loved, hated, or not even known. A guy who made some really bad choices and left a wake of destruction behind him.
(hijacked from Emmy)
It's a good reminder for all of us ... well, except Matt-Man, and maybe Jay, but the rest of us?? Yeah, we've got internet access. Big fucking deal ...
A few weeks back, in my I can See Through You post, I touched briefly on anonymous bloggers. There was one group of those bloggers that I left out (intentionally) because mentioning that group seems to get them all up in arms and their comments tend to drag the post off topic. Who is that group? The married folks who crave the attention of an affair without the "risk" of doing it in real life.
*DISCLAIMER* I was one of those people, and some might say I still am. I am not denying nor minimizing my own actions. If you are inclined to launch personal attacks on my morals, I'll just agree with you, so save your ammunition.
One of these bloggers - Southern Sage - was someone I "knew" from early on in his (and my) blogging forays. He was my first link to HNT. We had a cyber friendship that crossed "superficial" friendship boundaries. I knew he had a wife and two children, but it really didn't matter. My actions were "harmless" because I wasn't ever going to meet him, right?? Right???
Over time, that friendship fizzled. There wasn't any catastrophic event that occurred. No angry words. No ridiculous cyber drama. I still stopped by his "place" on occasion, and he stopped by mine. We just went in different directions with blogging and blogging relationships and moved on. I never really thought much about it again.
Then I heard through the grape vine that Sage had picked up and left the cyber world. Sure enough, a quick click on his blog brought up this screen:
He was gone, not only on Blogger, but on Twitter and Facebook as well. It was a pretty safe assumption that his anonymity had been compromised and he was scrambling to pick up the pieces of devastation he left behind.
That in itself is not unusual. My guess is it happens throughout the interwebs more often than many people would like to believe. The internet has a dark side - a secret world that many of us delve into where we can carry on an "affair" we'd never consider in real life as the risk is just too great. I understand it. I've been a part of it.
What bothered me were the (as Hubman so succinctly put it) "eulogies" to him. There were several women who blogged about what Sage meant to them. That he was "loyal, honest, trustworthy, caring, kind, confident, intelligent, charming and sexy as hell." Presumably these women knew the circumstances behind his departure - that his wife became aware of his on-line alter ego - and still they used words like "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy"? How does that work? How can you be "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy" when you are leading two very separate and distinct lives - keeping huge secrets from the one you've committed your life to?
*NOTE* I had every intention of linking to the blog posts that I came across - I don't like to use the passive-aggressive approach to blogging (unless it's a Sunday Secret) - however the bloggers involved apparently had second thoughts about their part in all of this. One of the bloggers removed her original post and one of the bloggers has now gone private.
What should have been (in my humble opinion - considering the circumstances) a quiet disappearance out of respect for Sage's wife, children and the situation he was clearly in, turned in to what can only be described as a selfish celebration - an adulation - of a man who severely compromised the integrity of his marriage. Really?
I have nothing against Sage. I would not wish this on anyone. I sincerely hope he and "The Bride" (as he called her) are somehow able to mend this tremendous breach in their marriage. As someone who has been on both sides of this issue once or twice in my life, I know their success will be the exception, but that it can be done. I wish them the best.
But really, is this someone we need to put up on a pedestal and glorify? He's a guy with an internet connection and a lot of time on his hands. A guy we may have loved, hated, or not even known. A guy who made some really bad choices and left a wake of destruction behind him.
(hijacked from Emmy)It's a good reminder for all of us ... well, except Matt-Man, and maybe Jay, but the rest of us?? Yeah, we've got internet access. Big fucking deal ...
~*~*~
16 comments:
As a person who has personally watched a close friend lead a second life and then be discovered by his wife, I have to say that I agree with everything that you've said. The damage was palpable. My friend and his wife did manage to "work things out" but, I think, it ultimately led to the demise of their marriage less than 5 years later.
I'm with you, Dana. I've been there myself, and frankly, it was uncomfortable as hell. I think it speaks to something being "off" already in a relationship when this is seen as Ok by one half of the equation. It is rarely seen as ok by the other half. Gnymph and I had issues-a-plenty, and I probably wouldn't have been ok doing what I was doing if that wasn't the case. In the end, the marriage failed, because the whole thing was a SYMPTOM of something being wrong in the first place. Am I making sense?
Many years ago when I was traveling and my marriage was the pits, I played on line from my hotel room. I think back on it now and wonder what I was thinking.
You perfectly captured what I merely alluded to in my post, the hypocrisy of those holding him up on a pedestal. Very well said.
Now to see if the haters (VK) come after you like she did to me...
Sarah, I think we sometimes diminish the reality of the cyber world, but when this happens, it's a little difficult to discount.
boo, you *are* making sense! I truly believe affairs occur because something is "lacking" for the party seeking the attention. That doesn't mean they don't love their partner, but if their needs were all being met?
Vinny "Bond" Marini, I am somewhat surprised by how common this dabbling seems to be amongst my readers. And here I thought I was the only foolish one ...
Hubman, you know, I understand (I think) most every part of this situation EXCEPT the glorification of the man.
And haters?? I adore haters! VK was the blogger who pulled her adoration of Sage down, but she sure left up her venom towards you ;)
I was thankfully not involved in any of the drama at any point in his blogging tenure, but I did remember a WTF feeling when people were saying the things that you mentioned.
It's a strange thing, teh interwebz...
I'm not sure what opened up the internet more, myspace or facebook. There was always semi anonymity with blogs, some more than others. I'm sitting here trying to remember where I first heard of blogspot and can't. I think it was a nephew of my sister but I wouldn't swear to that.
i've met some great people on line, but always stay away from the infidelity cart, its easy when youre up front about it... the guys that seem to get off on how many women they can "be friends" with always creep me out a little... i am of the opinion that they actually feel like they are collecting these people & that makes it feel like theyre hanging around in a parking lot offering kids candy somehow... its so much more fun to just talk to people & get inspiration from them..
Southern Sage? Oh .. that fucking guy .. No comment. ;-)
I think one thing that surprised me about blogging is the intensity of the relationships you develop with the people you meet on line.
When I started blogging three years ago I almost envisioned my blog like a diary and maybe a person or two would read, but it has taken a life of its own and opened a whole world.
As for Sage, the person I really feel for right now is Mrs. Sage who is caught up in all of this.
Sage? Hmmmmmmmm....I think I had cyber sex with him once. Cheers Dana!!
Dana. You rock!! Well said my dear. What a crazy world we live in. I'm with you and my good friend Hubman on this. Thanks for writing this. I'm a follower of yours now!!!!
Tigress
I agree with you too Dana. I found the eulogies inappropriate - by disappearing Sage clearly was doing all he could to salvage his Real Life, and yet, knowing his wife was reading, these testaments were still written and would surely flame her wrath .. if they cared, they should let him go quietly.
I heard this was a good post via Matt Man's Tweet. Now I can honestly say that I agree with him.
Dana, I feel you have expressed an unsaid, unwritten phenomena of online behavior that most of us think of, but have not had the words? Courage? Clarity...to write down.
I feel bad for the situation that Sage and his family must be going through. I have always been told, that if you tell the truth at 10 am, you never have to worry about what you have said at 3pm.
Here is hoping he and his make it through this trial OK.
A very interesting topic...and I got here trying to figure out what happened to Sage. I'd still say he's an intellectual...and I'd agree with all those nice things about him...and loyalty is something relative. A loyalty to one...or something means its opposite elsewhere...but then things like this happen.
I'm not sure if he is really living 2 different lives...I believe most of us don't...just that here, we are able to amplify a part of us which we are not able to in real world...for so many reasons.
Point of the matter is...we come and go here...but I'll always be thankful for meeting you all... :)
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