~*~*~
I don't read a lot of mega blogs - blogs with thousands of readers that often tip the 500+ comments every single day. One of the reasons I stay away from them is that they intimidate me. I like to feel special - like if I comment someone will actually read my comment and see me as a person rather than another hit that will generate additional revenue on their blog.
This weekend I found myself on a mega blog. I saw this button and curiosity got the best of me. I clicked (you should too - after you finish reading my post).
The post discusses the secrets we keep - the image we struggle to maintain - and the benefit of being real. Although the entire post touched my heart, there was one section that hit me particularly hard:
My "perfection" would read:
That is my struggle - the one I've stayed away from sharing because there is a limit to my "realness" on this blog and in my life. The fear of judgment - of clearly showing that I am NOT strong - I am weak and selfish in my thinking - overwhelms me.
As Dan (Single Dad Laughing) states in his post:
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be real. Think about that. Be real. How many of you can say that you share your vulnerabilities as much as you share your "image"? Be honest with yourself.
I've bad mouthed readers Snugs and DoggyBloggy on more than one occasion. I think their comments are often vile and meant to take advantage of known vulnerabilities. But you know what? At least they are being real. They aren't blowing sunshine up my ass. I believe their motivations are less than admirable, but I know where they are coming from. They are real ... at least in their comments ...
That isn't true of all of my commenters, or in all of the blogs I read, and is certainly not true of many of the people in my "real" life.
Anyone want to spread "Real"? Leave a comment below sharing just how perfect you aren't (I've opened up the anonymous comment option for this post), or leave a comment over on Single Dad Laughing 's post. Let everyone know what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable.
Be real.
Real is what makes us all human.
I don't read a lot of mega blogs - blogs with thousands of readers that often tip the 500+ comments every single day. One of the reasons I stay away from them is that they intimidate me. I like to feel special - like if I comment someone will actually read my comment and see me as a person rather than another hit that will generate additional revenue on their blog.
This weekend I found myself on a mega blog. I saw this button and curiosity got the best of me. I clicked (you should too - after you finish reading my post).
The post discusses the secrets we keep - the image we struggle to maintain - and the benefit of being real. Although the entire post touched my heart, there was one section that hit me particularly hard:
"Perfection" is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don't want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.
My "perfection" would read:
"Perfection" is a mother who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. "Perfection" makes it so that she never will because of the things her son will think if she does. She wonders how she could make her suicide look like an accident. And if someone in her family would be willing and able to give her son all that he needs. She knows that people think she is so strong, yet she cries - alone - most nights.
That is my struggle - the one I've stayed away from sharing because there is a limit to my "realness" on this blog and in my life. The fear of judgment - of clearly showing that I am NOT strong - I am weak and selfish in my thinking - overwhelms me.
As Dan (Single Dad Laughing) states in his post:
The cure is so simple.
Be real.
Be real. Think about that. Be real. How many of you can say that you share your vulnerabilities as much as you share your "image"? Be honest with yourself.
I've bad mouthed readers Snugs and DoggyBloggy on more than one occasion. I think their comments are often vile and meant to take advantage of known vulnerabilities. But you know what? At least they are being real. They aren't blowing sunshine up my ass. I believe their motivations are less than admirable, but I know where they are coming from. They are real ... at least in their comments ...
That isn't true of all of my commenters, or in all of the blogs I read, and is certainly not true of many of the people in my "real" life.
Anyone want to spread "Real"? Leave a comment below sharing just how perfect you aren't (I've opened up the anonymous comment option for this post), or leave a comment over on Single Dad Laughing 's post. Let everyone know what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable.
Be real.
Real is what makes us all human.
~*~*~
28 comments:
Why would you assume that people being critical of you are automatically more real than people who are more supportive? :/
Ms. Inconspicuous, Hmmmm ... it's not so much the commenters (although I have been told the expectation is that if you think being "real" will come across as nasty you shouldn't leave a comment) as it is the blogs I read.
I realize I used commenters as my example - commenters who either don't blog or aren't real - it was just a bad example :)
Hmmmm... I think that I keep it pretty real, online and off. You're right though, I am afraid of being judged and don't share everything. Truth be told? I drink too much, always have. *shrug*
Well I was going to say the same thing that Ms Inconspicuous said. Just because someone is being negative or mean doesn't mean that they're being real. They might just be mean spirited pieces of shit who have pathetic lives and are only able to to cope with their failures by trying to tear other people down and make others as miserable as they are.
As or "being real." People are under no obligation to reveal every dirty detail of their lives on their blogs. Nor are they under any obligation to solve other people's problems or whatever.
The "common sense solution of getting help" probably can't be done on blogs.
boo, I think you do too, and the drinking thing? Yeah ... me too ...
Jay, that Snugs and Doggy reference is not "reading" well. I meant that THEY show THEIR true colors when they comment. They are real from that perspective, not in what they say is the "truth".
People write for different reasons. Some people report news on their blog. Some people talk about sports on their blog. Throwing in a "I wear womens underwear under my jock-strap" line might seem a little out of whack.
I'm not implying that ALL bloggers should "reveal every dirty detail of their lives on their blogs," but I would say that if you are a "real life genre" blogger (includes the stereotypical "mommy blogger"), you *do* have a obligation to be balanced in your blogging, or you are just perpetuating the problem.
As far as getting help through a blog? How many people TELL others what they should be doing? And how many people ASK, "How can I help you get through this?"
The kind of blogging most of my readers do is "community" blogging - no different than any other community environment. I continue to be amazed at how many people will just turn their head thinking "I'll leave that for someone else," or worse yet will spew hateful words when someone is at their lowest point. I see it in my grocery store and I see it in blogging.
It makes me sad ... and sick to my stomach ...
You know, I just have to pop back in here to counter the argument that you can't get real help from the blogging community. I am going to straight up call bullshit on that one. I've received more tangible help from my fellow bloggers than I could have ever expected. This community has seen me through some very dark times, and I treasure that. Sometimes, that "common sense solution of getting help" really DOES happen through blogs. Sometimes that help is just an email or two exchanged with words of comfort, sometimes it's words of advice. I think we make deeper connections through blogging than ya'll are prepared to admit. I think it's a perspective thing. The people that think that most bloggers aren't real don't keep it real themselves, and visa versa. Nobody said anything about "obligation". I think of it this way, the spirit of human decency is what gives me my obligation to reach out when I see someone else struggling. That is all.
Some people don't read my blog because of the "realness" factor..., but oh well!
boo, Oh! Don't stop now! You're just getting warmed up!
You know, I thought about you - a LOT - when I was writing this post. When I heard the news about Moo and D'Oh, I could have taken a much different course of action. I stepped WAY outside of my comfort zone and asked people for donations. Me ... the person who never asks anyone for anything asked a bunch of strangers to trust me - to donate to a PayPal account in *my* name - and to believe in me enough to know that you would see their donations.
Tell me that wasn't community. Tell me that wasn't being real (had you not posted that first post I'd have never known you needed support).
I agree, the spirit of human decency is what gives me my obligation to reach out when I see someone else struggling too - and human decency does spread through the internets!
kristi, I get that too, or the people who completely miss the point and believe my "realness" is my playing the victim. Like somehow they'll get short changed on empathy if someone gives some to me.
Dana,
You have probably heard this before and it will probably come out as cliche coming from me, but I blog, for two reasons.
First, for myself. Because I enjoy it. Regardless of topic, and secondly, to try to make people laugh...to even try to make myself laugh.
Sometimes, it does not come across that way and that is one thing I guess I could be accused of is being inconsistent. However, I feel that I am very "real". If you read between the lines on my blog, you would get to know who I am.
As for what other's think of me or my blog? If they enjoy it...kudos to them. If they don't then that is as least 15 minutes they have lost on me. Regardless, it really doesn't matter to me. As long as I don't hurt those that don't deserve to be hurt...I am OK with it.
You are about as real as it gets. You put yourself out there on a daily basis. This is one of the things I admire about your blog. This is one of the things that keeps me coming back to read your blog.
I think that when people comment here with negative comments about you and about what you do, that you should smile. Because, to me it means that you hit a nerve. You held up a mirror and they don't want to look.
Keep doing what you are doing dear and don't worry about the others. Those that understand what you are saying will stick with you. They may disagree with you, but they will stick with you nonetheless.
Dana - precisely! There is a community here, one that uplifts it's members and holds out a hand of support when needed. That doesn't mean there isn't snark and disagreements, there will be that in any community. If I hadn't opened up, you wouldn't have known I needed help. If you hadn't reached out, I might not have gotten the help I needed - not just monetarily, but spiritually and emotionally as well. I am surviving this trial, but only through the love and support of my friends, a large number of which I know solely through our blogging circle.
We tend to see the world through lenses filtered by our own experiences and our own mental landscape. You get people who call you a victim, though I don't think you are. You, like myself, struggle to deal with the insecurities and injustices while keeping yourself from being a victim. You can't be strong all the time, and letting the vulnerabilities show is what makes you HUMAN not a VICTIM. If you sat around and blamed everyone for things being the way they are (as my mother does), THEN you would be a victim. However, I have seen you swallow your pride many times and admit that many of the things that you are dealing with are directly related to your mental mindscape and experience. Someone else would see the same situation completely differently.
That's one of the other benefits of blogging. When you put yourself out there and people respond that what you write, it allows an outside perspective that can give you insight that you might not have otherwise gained.
I admit to feeling obligated to post my "Nightmare" post, not because I felt that you guys expected it of me - but because I needed the cathartic writing experience of it and because I felt it was FAIR to you guys. You all put so much out there for me I felt you had a RIGHT to know WHY you were helping me.
Well, this has turned into a novel and I hope it scans as relevant and reasonably intelligent. I'm going to keep an eye on this one.
Joker_SATX, ahhh, but see? Sometimes we do hurt those who don't "deserve" to be hurt - unintentionally. I won't say that I don't care what others think. Sometimes the comments when I'm vulnerable get to me (which is why I don't open comments on Sunday Secrets any longer) because I do care, and sometimes I think that is a good thing.
boo, you are always relevant and reasonably intelligent. Comments on this post haven't gone where I thought they would, but I'm embracing where they are going.
Okay, I never said there wasn't a feeling of "community" in blogs. There's a reason why I call it the "Bloggerhood" ya know. I've made lots of great connections here. And I've made a few that turned out to be one-way connections. Just like happens in "real life" all the time. And while people can find lots of support through blogs, both emotional and sometimes financial, I was responding to THIS line:
""Perfection" is a mother who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily."
Most people aren't equipped to proved real and necessary help to someone who feels that way. We can tell them we love them and support them, but when you're talking about something like that, then you need more than just "hang in there" type support. It's been my experience that most people think they can be helpful in these situations and in reality they unintentionally make things worse by proposing solutions that aren't possible and make people feel worse about their situation. Sure, their intentions are good, and even appreciated, but not necessarily helpful.
Can people help themselves through posting about their dark times or problems? Of course. It IS very therapeutic and cathartic to get it all out there.
And then sometimes people deal with it all by posting silly blogs instead of serious ones. Maybe by talking about wearing womens underwear under their jock straps, or talking about sports, or sex, or whatever is there way of ignoring their problems and their pain. Maybe NEVER blogging about their personal problems IS how they deal with them. So, maybe they ARE being real. At least in their own way. Or in the best way they can be.
As for mommy bloggers? Fuck them. LOL ;-)
Dang, that was the longest comment I've ever left on any blog.
Jay - Eek! I think I stuck my foot in my mouth. Wasn't trying to call you out or offend you. Sorry if I sounded like I was ripping on you dude. ^_^
Jay, thanks for coming back and explaining.
I agree, it's all about how you blog. I wasn't trying to tell anyone how they should blog, or that they should bare their souls when what they really do is movie reviews, just pointing out that sometimes sharing a personal struggle (rather than pretending everything is ducky) can give someone hope - or at least the knowledge that they aren't out there flapping alone.
I view blogging differently than you do - I see it not only as offering a cathartic benefit to me, but hopefully touching someone else in a positive or helpful way.
Again, that's just me, and may not be applicable to you or anyone else.
boo, nom-nom-nom ;)~
Ha! Dana, I continue to adore you!
Boo: No worries babe. I chose brevity over clarity in my first comment.
Dana: It probably takes more strength to do the "real life" blogging thing. Some people just aren't up to it for various reasons.
Jay, Ehhh ... as I said to you earlier, EVERYONE contributes equally, just in different ways. Hell, even Sarge Charlie contributes ... to the hate mongers anyway!
DAMN IT! I had a long comment!!!!!!!
FUCKING BLOGGER!
My comment was going to be something along the lines of what Ms. I and Jay said. So I really don't know what to say. I think my "realness" contribution would have to be a post of its own and requires some thought on my part.
I don't think about killing myself, or at least I haven't for a very long time (college days). At some point, I realized I wasn't perfect and I never was going to be. And that's when I started living. I pretty much lay it on the line when it comes to dealing with people. You might like me, you might hate me, but I don't want to waste everyone's time finding out. When I met the Evil Twin, I said, "I burp, I fart, I pick my nose. If you can't deal with that, it'll never work out.". 18 yrs later, I'm still burping, farting and picking my nose. And, I drink too much.
I must be an anomaly, because I don't want to kill myself, and yet I am perfect!! Well, except for my spelling.
But seriously, I dig keepin' it real on my site, and laying a lot of my life out there. But that's just me. Cheers Dana!!
"Be real.'
Didn't Jim Carey do a movie about that.
I think I'm more real in my blog than I am in real life. In the bloggerhood (nod to Jay), I am WAY better about sharing my feelings & emotional state. IRL I share much less, even with my wife, and I'm not entirely sure why. Rejection, perfection, not wanting to be a burden - all of the above & more probably.
So what IS real? In your face, brutal honesty 24/7/365? How much can one back off of that ideal and still be real?
Should be no surprise that many hours of my (and my wife's) counseling sessions are spent trying to figure that out. Where does "real" start?
FOr the most part, I believe I am real on my blog. there are certain things I do not blog about for the one reason being my mom and dad read my blog and I don't need them to know everything. Actually in the last two years that has not been as much of a problem...but when I was married before it was since I was so disgusted with my life.
I let some of it out then, but not all.
Luckily, my blog has been reduced in commentors over the last 6 months. It is interesting and I am not sure why.
Have I changed the way I speak? Has my happiness in my real life made me even more boring than I was? Has my falling out with two bloggers this year (and one in particular) caused a backlash?
All I know is I will continue to post...and say what I want there and in comments...because it is the only way I know to do this.
OH and Jay...man when did you go all prolific on us dude?
the least you could do is link me - I need the traffic....
Well, as far as "real" goes, I've pretty much said what's on my heart. To be honest, it doesn't really generate readers, but it does get quite a bit of criticism, and I think that mainly stems from folks who don't appreciate being reminded of their flaws or faults.
I appreciate your blog for two reasons Dana. First off, you tend to have a very unique view of the world, and have a way of being able to describe it so that I can understand where you're coming from. Secondly, you pull no punches. You tend to tell it like it is, and make no apologies for giving us your opinion. However, even with that being said, you're still willing to let others give their viewpoint, and aren't hidebound enough to argue or bully someone into your point of view. Instead, you are willing to accept it, and move on.
I know a few who could stand to learn that lesson!
I "think" I'm real, but if not, let me clarify. I struggle, every. single. day., with why everyone else seems to handle everything else so much better than I do. And I have never, EVER felt good enough, for anyone.
It doesn't matter what people say or think. That is what I think, all the time.
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