HNT - Me

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I need to find a place where it's OK to be in my skin. Where I can celebrate my beauty without self-judging. A place that I can accept who I am right now without giving up on who I can be. Somewhere that it doesn't hurt my heart to catch a glimpse of my reflection, or to post a half-nekkid photo ...

Buying this piece of lingerie? It is a start.

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”

~Theodore Isaac Rubin

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HNT - 2010 Favorite

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I feel like I'm kind of cheating on the Favorite HNT theme this year. With only a handful of shots, it was pretty damn easy to whittle it down.

I chose two.

The one you see below probably expresses the real me better than any photo has in quite some time. It's just me, the sun and the road. It's times like this that I feel the most freedom from all of the noise in my head and in my world.



The *click* (for those of you new here, clicking on the picture will give you a different - NSFW - photo)? I am a very tactile person. I vividly remember the feeling of that silk scarf dancing lightly on my skin when I took that photo.

Hopefully I'll have a few more options to choose from when deciding my 2011 favorite!

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HNT - Christmas Tree

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Soooo ... do I get kicked out of HNT if I don't play by the "rules"?? I think not!

You say it's Three Wishes HNT week? I say I want to play Christmas Tree HNT this week. See, I don't like that three wishes crap - no one ever picked me (and it's all about me! Me! Me!) and I didn't have my tree up last week, so there!

Last year, just weeks after Cam and I left husband's house, I was decorating a freecycled tree with hand-me-down and misfit ornaments. There was something about this ornament that really touched my heart then, and still does now.

*CLICK* - Not everything on my tree is quite as angelic (NSFW)

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Sage Advice

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A few weeks back, in my I can See Through You post, I touched briefly on anonymous bloggers. There was one group of those bloggers that I left out (intentionally) because mentioning that group seems to get them all up in arms and their comments tend to drag the post off topic. Who is that group? The married folks who crave the attention of an affair without the "risk" of doing it in real life.

*DISCLAIMER* I was one of those people, and some might say I still am. I am not denying nor minimizing my own actions. If you are inclined to launch personal attacks on my morals, I'll just agree with you, so save your ammunition.

One of these bloggers - Southern Sage - was someone I "knew" from early on in his (and my) blogging forays. He was my first link to HNT. We had a cyber friendship that crossed "superficial" friendship boundaries. I knew he had a wife and two children, but it really didn't matter. My actions were "harmless" because I wasn't ever going to meet him, right?? Right???

Over time, that friendship fizzled. There wasn't any catastrophic event that occurred. No angry words. No ridiculous cyber drama. I still stopped by his "place" on occasion, and he stopped by mine. We just went in different directions with blogging and blogging relationships and moved on. I never really thought much about it again.

Then I heard through the grape vine that Sage had picked up and left the cyber world. Sure enough, a quick click on his blog brought up this screen:


He was gone, not only on Blogger, but on Twitter and Facebook as well. It was a pretty safe assumption that his anonymity had been compromised and he was scrambling to pick up the pieces of devastation he left behind.

That in itself is not unusual. My guess is it happens throughout the interwebs more often than many people would like to believe. The internet has a dark side - a secret world that many of us delve into where we can carry on an "affair" we'd never consider in real life as the risk is just too great. I understand it. I've been a part of it.

What bothered me were the (as Hubman so succinctly put it) "eulogies" to him. There were several women who blogged about what Sage meant to them. That he was "loyal, honest, trustworthy, caring, kind, confident, intelligent, charming and sexy as hell." Presumably these women knew the circumstances behind his departure - that his wife became aware of his on-line alter ego - and still they used words like "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy"? How does that work? How can you be "loyal," "honest," and "trustworthy" when you are leading two very separate and distinct lives - keeping huge secrets from the one you've committed your life to?

*NOTE* I had every intention of linking to the blog posts that I came across - I don't like to use the passive-aggressive approach to blogging (unless it's a Sunday Secret) - however the bloggers involved apparently had second thoughts about their part in all of this. One of the bloggers removed her original post and one of the bloggers has now gone private.

What should have been (in my humble opinion - considering the circumstances) a quiet disappearance out of respect for Sage's wife, children and the situation he was clearly in, turned in to what can only be described as a selfish celebration - an adulation - of a man who severely compromised the integrity of his marriage. Really?

I have nothing against Sage. I would not wish this on anyone. I sincerely hope he and "The Bride" (as he called her) are somehow able to mend this tremendous breach in their marriage. As someone who has been on both sides of this issue once or twice in my life, I know their success will be the exception, but that it can be done. I wish them the best.

But really, is this someone we need to put up on a pedestal and glorify? He's a guy with an internet connection and a lot of time on his hands. A guy we may have loved, hated, or not even known. A guy who made some really bad choices and left a wake of destruction behind him.

(hijacked from Emmy)

It's a good reminder for all of us ... well, except Matt-Man, and maybe Jay, but the rest of us?? Yeah, we've got internet access. Big fucking deal ...

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HNT - Road Trip

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What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do - especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
~William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

*CLICK*

I've made a couple of relatively short road trips this summer, but with no air-conditioning and scorching Midwest summers, dressing as cool as possible is a necessity.



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Year's Favorite HNT '09

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It's that time of year again when all good HNT-ers follow the rules guidelines and post their favorite HNT of the year. Not their favorite HNT that someone else posted, but their favorite that they posted.

Y'all know about my love-hate relationship with HNT. There is so much good about it, yet there is a side of it that I struggle with and that began outweighing the good. I'm not saying that HNT is bad, just that it became bad for me, yet I thoroughly enjoyed looking back through my 2009 shots. Each one has a story and sometimes the story is far better than the picture.

I wasn't able to narrow it down a single favorite, so instead I am re-posting three of my favorites that are favorites for very different reasons. Just remember that clicking may piss of your IT folks if you are at work or damage your children for a lifetime if you are at home and they are peeking over your shoulder!

I've pulled most of my HNT's back into draft, and this post will likely see the same fate, but for now ...

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I had fun with the "retro" HNT's this year - attempting to go back to what I interpreted as the original intent of HNT. This was by far my favorite of that genre.

**click**

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I used a LOT of Gimp and Paint.net with this photo and in doing so managed to capture exactly how I was feeling - minimized, isolated and alone. It took feeling like this, and being able to capture that feeling in a photo, for me to get the courage to move forward.

**click**

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One of the things that really challenged me was finding an HNT opportunity that others might miss. If I had to pick an overall favorite, this one might just edge out the other two based only on composition.

**click**

It was a good HNT year - one that allowed me to fall in love with photography and afforded me personal growth through that medium.

Who knows, there might be an HNT or two in my 2010 future, but for now I'll just appreciate all that it was!

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To HNT or not to HNT?

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I want to thank everyone who stopped by Thursday to see my external flaws (or at least some of them). ASM's idea, along with an abundance of support from both those who participated, and those who visited, made for quite an emotional Thursday in HNT-land. For me, the timing couldn't have been better.

You see, I'm having a bit of a love/hate relationship with HNT right now. I enjoy the creativity - attempting to capture the emotions and the feelings of the moment with nothing more than a $125 digital camera, some free photo editing software and me. Being creative brings me great joy and feelings of pride and accomplishment. I had been neglecting my passion for creativity, and HNT gave me an outlet with the added bonus of some very positive feedback.

18 months later, and a short two week break from HNT, I find that I am really having a difficult time with the perceived and/or manufactured competition that is clearly visible in HNT. There are a handful of bloggers (four that I can name off the top of my head) who post their favorite HNT's for the week. Appearing on one of these lists is a huge honor especially if it's the right list but it also, in my oh-so-very-humble opinion, fosters a sense of competition and preference between participants. I'm not saying this is true for all who participate, but definitely for some (read that as me). I'd be surprised if I am the only one who has ever felt this way, and even more surprised if anyone else actually admits to it.

I don't want this to come across as me badmouthing anyone who publishes a favorite HNT's post every week. One of these bloggers - whose list is quite well known - is one of my favorite reads each and every day, including the day favorites are posted. Although I've never asked, my guess is that publishing a list of favorite HNT-ers is done entirely out of admiration for those who do HNT well ... "well" in the opinion of the blogger publishing the list. Really no different than having a blog-roll on your side bar. But there is a downside too.

There are some HNT-ers who have never appeared in one of these "favorites" lists, and never will. Not because they aren't "playing" HNT well. Not because they aren't abiding by the HNT guidelines. Not even because their photography isn't wonderful. No, they won't make a favorites list because their style of HNT is not consistent with the type of blog that publishes a favorites lists, or maybe because they are male (there is a significant gender bias in HNT). I find that ... well ... bothersome.

As bloggers, we are all out here for encouragement and validation - among other things - whether we participate in HNT or not. Yet frequently I see 50+ comments on a female HNT that is sensual, erotic and/or just plain in-your-face naked. The well thought out, creative HNT that shows nothing more than what one might see at a grocery store? That HNT-er is lucky to get 3 comments. I don't care what anyone says, HNT-ers, although a supportive community, can be a cliquey, fickle and hypocritical bunch too ... and I've been right there with them.

Sure, I do the retro HNT on the first Thursday of the month - a self imposed reality check of sorts - and I've even had one other HNT-er regularly join me on that venture, but I've also been far too caught up in the "competition" to be a favorite, pushing my "limits of comfort" in hopes of making a list. I think there are many HNT-ers who participate, in part, to help overcome low self-esteem. I certainly can't be the only one, but when it starts being more stressful than fun - more competitive than creative - is it really meeting the intent of HNT? I can only decide that for myself.

I often refer back to this specific HNT guideline (from Osbasso's site):

It's very important to not be dissing other's submissions! We're all going to have half-hearted entries from time to time. None of us is better than the other. One the other hand, it's completely acceptable to heap praise upon those that deserve it! [emphasis mine]

Am I dissing an HNT submission by not commenting? Am I looking at it and thinking "EGADS! What the hell were they thinking?" but just quickly closing the browser window so as not to be one of those people? Is a favorites list nothing more than "heaping praise" on those who deserve it (I won't even get in to how much that word deserve bothers me) or is it encouraging others to participate in HNT in a certain way? I don't know.

What I do know is that I was in tears (literally) after posting my HNT this week. It sat on my blog for over an hour before the first comment was posted, and that was from Osbasso (in other words, it felt like a charity comment). I found myself so completely wrapped up in concerns surrounding what others thought that I had no pride - no appreciation - for the creative work I'd done. I knew the pic of my "flaws" wouldn't make anyones favorite list - it just didn't meet the criteria - and that bothered me too (but I did check Friday morning, hoping maybe I was wrong).

Is all of this the "fault" of those who publish HNT favorites lists? Of course not. Are people so hung up on their blog numbers that they'll do anything to increase them? Do HNT-ers base their self-worth on the number of comments they get? I can only answer these questions for myself, and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that my answer to that last question is a resounding "YES"

I'm not sure what this means for HNT as part of my blog. I appreciate the concept, but not where it has led me over the past 18 months. I enjoy the opportunity to be creative, but cannot seem to let go of the competitive side. I've made some wonderful friends through HNT and know that most of those friendships will suffer if I leave the community. It really is a difficult situation.

... or maybe I'm just pissy because my fat, flabby belly didn't make a favorites list ...

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HNT - Year's Favorite

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It's another moment of messing with HNT! Look, I'm not the one who decides a theme is a good thing - that's all Os' doing. Here we are on WEDNESDAY (sorry Lu) and are tasked with choosing our favorite HNT picture that we've posted in 2008.

Now, February 14th was my first HNT of this year. I posted it not having a CLUE as to what HNT was all about and thinking this Osbasso guy was likely some internet perv. Well ... anyway ... So choosing a favorite of the year is somewhat of a daunting task. You see, each of my HNT's is special to me in some way. There was the Secretary HNT that was done as a suggestion from a special friend (I don't do requests), and the Sensual HNT that was really a departure from what I thought I could portray. I really do put all of "me" - wherever I am at the moment - into each HNT. Choosing a favorite HNT is akin to choosing my favorite sister ... or cousin, since I don't have any siblings! But, we all must make decisions in life and I was able to narrow my favorites down to TWO (so much for "guidelines").

The first is one of my "traditional" HNT's. There has been one constant in my life for the past 12 (almost 13) years - the love of my son. This HNT is one I will always cherish as it captures that love.


The second one is a favorite because ... well ... because it captured a moment in time so well. Maybe it was the poem I wrote to go along with it. Maybe it was the fact that the demons I battle during the day sometimes find their way to me at night. Maybe it was the lighting, or the creativity, or ... or ... maybe it is just a photo that I am extremely proud of because of it's artistic qualities. Or maybe it is all of the above.

Sleep
Arduous, stubborn, entangled sleep
Where demons find an idle mind
then hide between the sheets
wrapping themselves around unsuspecting legs
waiting for morn

~ Dana C

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If you haven't noticed, there is actually an icon on the left side of the blog (look over there ... up a little ... yes! Click on the legs) that, when clicked, shows links to each of my HNT's. So do tell, which is your favorite and why?

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