Sunday Secret

“Love is a game in which one always cheats.” ~ Honore de Balzac

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A friend sent me a link to an article titled 15 Signs You'll Cheat by Anneli Rufus. I'm not sure if this was meant to be a warning or a proposition, but I'm going with the latter just because it's a bit more flattering.

The article references where data was gathered from, so if you want the nitty-gritty details, you'll have to go there to get them!

*Gazes into my crystal ball*

So dear readers, which of you will fall of the monogamy wagon??

1. If you're a man, you're about 7 percent more likely to be unfaithful to your partner than a woman is.

This surprises me only because I know a bucket load of women who have had affairs. The article indicates the gender disparity likely occurs because men cheat longer (more years) and men are more honest about what they're doing. Ha! Like that is a surprise!

2. If you live in a large city, you're 39 percent more likely to have an affair than those who live in small towns and rural areas.

This just makes sense. Trust me, if I were to cheat in Podunk the town would know about it before I did. Anonymity has got to be a huge factor in successful cheating, wouldn't you think?

3. If you earn $75,000 or more per year, you're over 150 percent more likely to have an affair than those who earn $30,000 per year or less.

The article claims this is likely due to more work related travel and the ability to hide entertainment costs. Maybe, but I'm placing my bet on the fact that this is little more than legal prostitution - sexual favors in exchange for financial gain.

4. If your husband spends 10 percent or less of his time with you, then there's at least a 10 percent chance you'll cheat on him.

Again, this just plays to the accessibility issue. If your husband (or wife) is spending less that 10% of their time with you, you've got quite a bit of lonely time to fill up.

5. If you think about sex every day, you're 22 percent more likely to have an affair than those who think about sex just a few times a week.

What? There are people who don't think about sex every day? You're kidding me, right?? Next statistic ...

6. If you and your spouse lived together before getting married, there's a 39 percent chance that at least one of you will cheat on the other.

I'm pretty sure my church has this on a banner above the entrance.

7. If your identical twin has had an affair, you're 200 percent more likely to have an affair yourself than if your twin had not.

Interesting ...

Guess that means with all of these multiple births due to fertility treatments, we should be a cheating nation soon!

8. If you're African-American, you're a little more than twice as likely than men of other ethnic backgrounds to have an affair.

The article claims this is due to a disproportionately large pool of black women in areas that are affected by drug-related deaths and arrests. Having dated several black men, and having spent much time in "black communities" I have to wonder if this is not more culturally based.

9. If you've never attended religious services, you're 250 percent more likely to have extramarital sex than those who attend religious services more than once a week.

And this banner hangs right below the one that reads "If you and your spouse lived together before getting married, there's a 39 percent chance that at least one of you will cheat on the other."

10. If you have an advanced college degree, you're 175 percent more likely to have extramarital sex than those who did not finish high school.

I think I may have found an excuse to NOT send Cam to college! So, are we saying uneducated folks don't cheat? Or does this just play into #3?

11. If you're a woman whose husband has a college degree, you're 3 percent less likely to have an affair than women whose husbands do not have college degrees.

Ahhh women! We are so shallow. It's all about the money ...

12. If you were married at age 16 or younger, you're almost 400 percent more likely to engage in extramarital sex than those who were married for the first time at 23.

Again, no brainer! One's got to gain experience somehow!

13. If you're an unhappy man, you're 13 percent more likely to have an affair than happy men are.

No way! OK, I'd actually have thought the percentage would have been much higher.

14. If you have made use of online porn, you are 300 percent more likely to have an affair than someone who has never looked at online porn.

First you tell me there are people who don't think about sex every day, then you tell me there are people who haven't looked at online porn? I'm starting to feel a little self conscious.

15. If you enjoy spending time with your partner's relatives, you're 24 percent less likely to engage in extramarital sex than those who dislike spending time with their in-laws.

Does it also follow that f you enjoy spending time with your partner's relatives, you're 24 percent more likely to sleep with one of their siblings??

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I'm Cheating

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It's been a week of infidelity here ... well, on the blog anyway. Monday there was the Ashley Madison discussion. TMI Tuesday addressed "cybering." Like it or not, infidelity and adultery are alive and well. No, the internet doesn't cause infidelity but it does make it much more accessible. When you add in our society's "entitlement" to instant gratification, you've got ... well ... a perfect infidelity storm!

If you have any doubts about infidelity, just do a quick blogger search and you'll find a plethora (I love that word) of bloggers willing to share their excursions with you. Of course, we don't really know if these infidelity bloggers are really adulterers, or if they are just amazing writers who have a firm grasp on fiction, a vivid sexual imagination and an understanding of their audience. Whatever the case may be, it's a topic we love to hate. We detest the idea, yet we want to hear all about it. We've all seen (or been part of) the emotional and social fallout of cheating, yet some of us just can't resist the temptation.

There are tons of statistics on infidelity floating around. Some studies say that as many as 50 percent of women cheat on their husbands, and 70 percent of men return the favor. A well-respected study done by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center in 2002 found that 15 percent of women surveyed said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married. Men? 22 percent said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married.

So, why is monogamy so difficult for some people? There is a theory that biology predisposes us to seek multiple sex partners. I believe there is quite a bit of science behind that theory, but I also believe it is overused as an excuse. We have logical reasoning and empathy on our side. We are not driven solely by instinct. We can make the choice to be monogamous even if it is a difficult choice to make.

If we can be monogamous, what makes a cheater cheat? There are probably just as many answers to that question as there are people who cheat, but I think most fall into some manifestation of one of two basic categories: the hunter and the victim.

The hunter enjoys the chase. They measure their desirability by the number of their conquests. I think those falling in this category tend to be narcissistic - craving and demanding affection and attention with little desire to return those same emotions. When they stop feeling special in their primary relationship, they find a new one that does make them feel special. They hunt. They conquer. But that special feeling is elusive and must continue to be hunted.

The victims? (*EDIT* I don't mean to imply that the victim is a victim of infidelity, but rather that the victim's position is that he/she is not getting what they need in the home - they are a victim of their spouse's neglect.) They are the ones who are well aware of the shortcomings of their primary relationship and actively seek what they want outside the relationship, justifying (self-victimizing) it as they go. This is kind of the passive/aggressive approach to infidelity - things are incomplete in their marriage, but rather than resolving those issues, they fill the gap elsewhere, holding on to their marriage just in case.

No, it's not quite that black and white. The definition of infidelity, when it isn't the actual physical act of sex, seems to be the wild card in all of this. Is a stolen kiss infidelity? What about "cybering" with a committed cyber lover, or watching RedTube (don't click that link if you are in the presence of children or co-workers) while your spouse sleeps? Does the internet promote infidelity, or does it just change the way people go about getting there?

What do you think?

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A special thanks to Vinny and to Biscuit! Their comments yesterday were the inspiration for this post that had been rattling in my brain for quite some time.

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Is It Cheating? (Part 2)

For the record, I am NOT having a torrid on-line love affair with some cyber hunk/hottie. There has been no groping and no nuddie pics have been exchanged through email (although I *do* owe RLL a photo of her beautiful artwork proudly displayed). That being said, I'd be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about it.

I like to think that one of the things that happens as I get older is that I learn from past mistakes. I don't mind making mistakes, but I really don't like making the same mistake again and again. Cheating, and the damage that can result, is a lesson I learned long ago - but it's still been on my mind.

I stand by my position that it is unrealistic to think my husband should be all things to me at all times. He can't possibly meet all of my physical and emotional needs all of the time. Now, how (or if) I choose to fill those gaps is really what this is all about. In my world, it's not the physical act of sex that defines cheating, but rather the secrecy behind it all. The act of sex does not require, nor result in, intimacy - intimacy is something far removed from sex. Can they happen in the same moment? Absolutely! Must they? I don't think so, and I don't think it's a *bad* thing when they don't.

Jaded? Cynical?? Again, I don't think so, I think I am just realistic. According to current infidelity statistics up to 70% of men and 40% of women are involved in extramarital affair. No, this isn't meant to be an accusation that everyone will cheat, but rather acknowledgement that it happens more than many of us realize (or want to admit). Maybe honesty is still the best policy ...

Is It Cheating?

What Constitutes Cheating?

Seems odd that this has been on my mind, but it has. Ten years ago, I wouldn't have had a philosophical decision with myself on cheating, I'd have just gone out and done it. Age, wisdom, bad decisions experience, have brought me to a place where I ask more questions before acting.

For example, is it even realistic to think my husband should be all things to me at all times? Should he really be able to meet all of my physical and emotional needs all of the time? I don't think so - in fact, I am certain that I don't meet all of his physical and emotional needs all of the time.

Sometimes the cheating line is pretty damn clear - having sex (not the Clinton definition) with another man, without hubby's knowledge, is definitely cheating. But sometimes the line gets really blurry. What about sex with a woman without hubby's knowledge? Completely different type of emotional and physical need being met there - is it cheating? What about flirting (male or female) with a grope thrown in for good measure? What if it is confined to the cyber world but includes hard core intimate photos and videos being exchanged - is it cheating?

I suppose I could stand in hubby's shoes - would any of the above bother me if it were what he was doing? Honestly, not at all as long as he's not endangering my health or the well-being of the household or the kids. Of course, I'd prefer to know about it so that I could watch feel a part of the decision, but it's just sex - right??