It's been a week of infidelity here ... well, on the blog anyway. Monday there was the
Ashley Madison discussion.
TMI Tuesday addressed "cybering." Like it or not, infidelity and adultery are alive and well. No, the internet doesn't cause infidelity but it does make it much more accessible. When you add in our society's "entitlement" to instant gratification, you've got ... well ... a perfect infidelity storm!
If you have any doubts about infidelity, just do a quick blogger search and you'll find a plethora (I love that word) of bloggers willing to share their excursions with you. Of course, we don't really know if these infidelity bloggers are really adulterers, or if they are just amazing writers who have a firm grasp on fiction, a vivid sexual imagination and an understanding of their audience. Whatever the case may be, it's a topic we love to hate. We detest the idea, yet we want to hear all about it. We've all seen (or been part of) the emotional and social fallout of cheating, yet some of us just can't resist the temptation.
There are tons of statistics on infidelity floating around. Some studies say that as many as 50 percent of women cheat on their husbands, and 70 percent of men return the favor. A well-respected study done by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center in 2002 found that 15 percent of women surveyed said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married. Men? 22 percent said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married.
So, why is monogamy so difficult for some people? There is a theory that biology predisposes us to seek multiple sex partners. I believe there is quite a bit of science behind that theory, but I also believe it is overused as an excuse. We have logical reasoning and empathy on our side. We are not driven solely by instinct. We can make the choice to be monogamous even if it is a difficult choice to make.
If we
can be monogamous, what makes a cheater cheat? There are probably just as many answers to that question as there are people who cheat, but I think most fall into some manifestation of one of two basic categories: the hunter and the victim.
The hunter enjoys the chase. They measure their desirability by the number of their conquests. I think those falling in this category tend to be narcissistic - craving and demanding affection and attention with little desire to return those same emotions. When they stop feeling special in their primary relationship, they find a new one that does make them feel special. They hunt. They conquer. But that special feeling is elusive and must continue to be hunted.
The victims?
(*EDIT* I don't mean to imply that the victim is a victim of infidelity, but rather that the victim's position is that he/she is not getting what they need in the home - they are a victim of their spouse's neglect.) They are the ones who are well aware of the shortcomings of their primary relationship and actively seek what they want outside the relationship, justifying (self-victimizing) it as they go. This is kind of the passive/aggressive approach to infidelity - things are incomplete in their marriage, but rather than resolving those issues, they fill the gap elsewhere, holding on to their marriage just in case.
No, it's not quite that black and white. The definition of infidelity, when it isn't the actual physical act of sex, seems to be the wild card in all of this. Is a stolen kiss infidelity? What about "cybering" with a committed cyber lover, or watching
RedTube (don't click that link if you are in the presence of children or co-workers) while your spouse sleeps? Does the internet promote infidelity, or does it just change the way people go about getting there?
What do you think?
