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It's been a week of infidelity here ... well, on the blog anyway. Monday there was the Ashley Madison discussion. TMI Tuesday addressed "cybering." Like it or not, infidelity and adultery are alive and well. No, the internet doesn't cause infidelity but it does make it much more accessible. When you add in our society's "entitlement" to instant gratification, you've got ... well ... a perfect infidelity storm!If you have any doubts about infidelity, just do a quick blogger search and you'll find a plethora (I love that word) of bloggers willing to share their excursions with you. Of course, we don't really know if these infidelity bloggers are really adulterers, or if they are just amazing writers who have a firm grasp on fiction, a vivid sexual imagination and an understanding of their audience. Whatever the case may be, it's a topic we love to hate. We detest the idea, yet we want to hear all about it. We've all seen (or been part of) the emotional and social fallout of cheating, yet some of us just can't resist the temptation.
There are tons of statistics on infidelity floating around. Some studies say that as many as 50 percent of women cheat on their husbands, and 70 percent of men return the favor. A well-respected study done by the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center in 2002 found that 15 percent of women surveyed said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married. Men? 22 percent said they'd had sex with someone besides their spouse while married.
So, why is monogamy so difficult for some people? There is a theory that biology predisposes us to seek multiple sex partners. I believe there is quite a bit of science behind that theory, but I also believe it is overused as an excuse. We have logical reasoning and empathy on our side. We are not driven solely by instinct. We can make the choice to be monogamous even if it is a difficult choice to make.
If we can be monogamous, what makes a cheater cheat? There are probably just as many answers to that question as there are people who cheat, but I think most fall into some manifestation of one of two basic categories: the hunter and the victim.The hunter enjoys the chase. They measure their desirability by the number of their conquests. I think those falling in this category tend to be narcissistic - craving and demanding affection and attention with little desire to return those same emotions. When they stop feeling special in their primary relationship, they find a new one that does make them feel special. They hunt. They conquer. But that special feeling is elusive and must continue to be hunted.
The victims? (*EDIT* I don't mean to imply that the victim is a victim of infidelity, but rather that the victim's position is that he/she is not getting what they need in the home - they are a victim of their spouse's neglect.) They are the ones who are well aware of the shortcomings of their primary relationship and actively seek what they want outside the relationship, justifying (self-victimizing) it as they go. This is kind of the passive/aggressive approach to infidelity - things are incomplete in their marriage, but rather than resolving those issues, they fill the gap elsewhere, holding on to their marriage just in case.
No, it's not quite that black and white. The definition of infidelity, when it isn't the actual physical act of sex, seems to be the wild card in all of this. Is a stolen kiss infidelity? What about "cybering" with a committed cyber lover, or watching RedTube (don't click that link if you are in the presence of children or co-workers) while your spouse sleeps? Does the internet promote infidelity, or does it just change the way people go about getting there?
What do you think?
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A special thanks to Vinny and to Biscuit! Their comments yesterday were the inspiration for this post that had been rattling in my brain for quite some time.
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30 comments:
MMmmmm I am not brilliant at being faithful but I must say I am getting a lot better,
Laters
Nicey
I've watched shows on the Discovery Channel about this, but mostly it's been about why men cheat. You know, it goes back to caveman days, blah blah blah. Women tend to cheat more around ovulation, so the researchers say. I've read the books "For Men Only" and "For Women Only" and the latter makes men sound like big babies who can never get enough sex, no matter how happy they are and no matter why type of relationship they are in.
If I found out my husband kissed another woman, yes, I would be highly pissed. If I found out he was having cyber sex, I would still be pissed. Were you reading the time my husband got drunk and I went out on the deck and he had his pants down and his cock in my sister's face? Oh yea, I was freaking pissed off at that one! But I pretended I believed him when he said he was drunk, didn't know what he was doing, and then didn't remember it.
We are all victims, and I'll admit I've been the hunter, and yes I'll admit I blamed my ex-husband for it cause he was never there. (Literally, in the 5th SFG and gone about 9 months of the year) and I was lonely.
But I damn sure don't have the answers. I can just say it's wrong, and I've been wrong, and I can't promise I won't be wrong again, but so far, I have been a very good wife in this marriage. All four years of it.
Am I predisposed to cheating? Maybe. My brother has done it in all four marraiges. My oldest sister did it, I did it. Who is really to blame? I guess we are, but I can't help wonder if it's because we were abused and had NO love to speak of growing up.
I am highly convinced that monogamy rarely exists. Further, should we even expect it to?
Would the divorce rate go down if people actually expect their spouse to cheat?? That would take away the hurt and resentment that leads to divorce.
I don't know *shrugs*
Speaking from a lesbian's point of view, I believe whether you are male, female, gay or straight, cheating is a result of low self-esteem and ego. If our partner doesn't show "enough" desire for us, and one person outside of our union shows more interest and flatters us more, we want that; we crave it. It's the decision to whether or not to take it to the next level, or to just be content with it being a flattering compliment that someone else desires us as well. The best thing to do is accept it, and act it out on the person you're in a monogamous relationship with.
:)
Just my thoughts.
I think that infidelity is any sexual behavior that involves another person other than your spouse/partner. This includes but is not limited to cyber aquaintences, sharing nude pictures, phone sex, etc. There are many that use the internet as a tool to indulge in this sort of behavior, don't you agree?
I have more respect for those that throw out the bad milk than for those that keep on smelling it hoping that it isnt sour anymore.... get my drift?
Hmm... thinking....
I gotta disagree with the hunter and victim dichotomy. I cheated on ASM once, with an escort. If anything, ASM was the victim.
And what about our friend Sarah? She is welcome to join us, or not. We enjoy when she does join us, but by no means are we 'hunting' her. She is making her own choices and is neither hunter nor victim, imho.
Of course, as you point out, it's not that black and white and perhaps our examples are exceptions to your generalization. I dunno...
Biologically predisposes is a convenient excuse.
* The average life expectancy of the cave man was about 16 years. In 500 BC the average life expectancy was about 20 years. Are we biologically predisposes to dying young? No.
* If the predisposition exists why has western society developed a culture that revolved around the idea of monogamy as an ideal form of family organization?
* Why are only 22% of men genetically incapable of monogamy? Why isn't infidelity more prevalent?
People have affairs for many reasons. In the end an infidelity is just a broken promise and a lie or a series of lies. If you are not ready for monogamy don't enter into an exclusive relationship. If your exclusive relationship is giving you what you need then talk it over with your partner and be man enough (woman enough) to tell your partner the relation is over before you commit a selfish act that will not repair the relationship.
I am not against extra partners, I am against the deception of an extra-relationship coupling of which one partner is unaware and wouldn't approve.
Great post!!! My Ex viewed himself as a victim....still to this day he won't be a man and take blame....it is a way to justify his actions...and he did not want to end the marriage. And let me make it clear, it was not one transgression but several, and perhaps more that I did not know about. So, I can forgive mistakes and bad decisions; I decided not to live with a habit.
Personally, I understand and forgive human error, but I have a real problem with people who chose infidelity as a lifestyle or their right....don't get married if you cannot commit to one person or be truthful.....i don't think those cheating quite understand the devastating affects....my ex's cheating stabbed me to the core....the core of soul....I don't wish that feeling on anyone.
Humm
I have to say that this is a bit more needing of detail than just one or two posts is going to be able to touch Dana..
Yes, there are "Hunter" and "Victim" types out there.
However, there are also serious self-esteem issues behind each and everyone who has these behaviors. Some are for the attention. Some are for love they don't feel. Some are just for themselves. Some are for the thrill of possibly getting caught. There's really not one way to account for this.
Yes, there are the "experts" out there who have come up with millions of explanations as to why cheating happens.
Myself, I say it's a load of crap.
Men cheat for sex. It's basically the driving force behind each and everything they do.
Women cheat to find love and affection, even if it's just for that short time.
Exactly as the psyche makes us male and female, there's the men for physical gratification, and women for the emotional connection.
Anyway, that's my take.
Great post...glad I helped spur you on...
And as Biscuit said yesterday...it is different if it is multiple partners...just looking for that quick release as opposed to the same person with feelings and desires involved
I don't think I have ever spoken with someone who didn't mind being cheated on.
Like most human behavior, I don't think you can say everyone who "cheats" does so for the same reason as everyone else.
I know four couples who have chosen to stay together after infidelity. Some for parental reasons...some for financial reasons...one for love. In three cases the families have moved...to get a fresh start and put distance between them and the memories.
I guess I kind of have to agree with Hubman on this. I think the reason you stated for people cheating is one of many. I think you see it/hear about it more often for that reason reasoning).
My ex husband cheated on me/had long term affairs the entire 16years we were together. While I suspected... I didn't get proof of this until after our marriage was over. What still to this day dumbfounds me is that we had a *great* relationship (until the last 3yrs....). We had TONS of really, great, frequent sex. WHY did he feel the need to have the affairs and cheat?!!?
I dunno..... But I feel more the victim in that whole thing.
Very interesting discussion!
One more thing. You asked what defines infidelity....cybering"? Watching RedTube? I think the answer honestly lies with in each relationship. And what has been agreed to and each person is okay with.
Nicey, as they say, it's all about progress, not perfection!
Bina, and please don't read my post as coming from a place of judgment - I've been on both the giving and the receiving end of infidelity in a relationship, and yes, it is wrong.
M, I am highly convinced that monogamy exists about 80% of the time (if you look at the other side of the statistics) and I would argue that the divorce rate would go down if only those people ready to be in a monogamous relationship got married!
Deb, like you, I don't believe that infidelity knows any sexual orientation boundaries, it's about being selfless rather than selfish.
Snugs, and I would say that "sexual behavior" is a HUGE gray area. Some sexual behavior is blatantly obvious (like those you mentioned). Others? What I might deem sexual behavior may not be the same for my spouse.
DB, I would agree with you! In a perfect world, that's exactly how it would - and should - be.
If I robbed a bank, I would have a lot of money. Do I want a lot of money? Yes.
Alas, if I robbed a bank, there's a high chance I'll get caught. Punished. Imprisoned. Do I want to go to prison? No.
So do I not rob a bank and deny myself all that money for the privilege of not going to prison? Yes. Absolutely.
Some people don't see it that way. Some people rob banks. Some people just want the money more.
Hubman, I attempted to clarify my discussion of victim. I wasn't speaking of the one who is being cheated on, but rather the mindset of the one cheating. And I would say that Sarah's motivation (as she is the infidel - not you or ASM) would likely be motivated by one of the two broad descriptors I mentioned.
Fate, I think one of the more surprising things that I found when researching for this post is that there isn't a vast difference in the percentage of women who cheat versus men who cheat. The assumption has always been that this is a male trait. And yes, I would say that SECRECY is the one determining factor in whether or not an act is one of infidelity.
Breve, every person I've known or read about (including myself) that has practiced infidelity has also practiced some form of justification. I think those cheating do understand the devastating effects, they just choose their own desires over those of the one they proclaim to love.
Jorm, I would agree with all that you wrote. I would also suggest that no matter what the specific reason, we all start in one of those two BIG buckets I mentioned. I find it difficult to believe that men are not getting anything other than physical satisfaction from infidelity.
Bond, yes, it is very different when one forms an emotional bond, and I would argue that it is far more dangerous.
Kat, if someone doesn't mind being cheated on, then they aren't being cheated on. And don't get me wrong - my descriptions were BIG buckets - there are many, many details within those big buckets.
Vixen, I think your definition of infidelity is right on - if my husband knows I watch porn as a means of sexual satisfaction - and he is OK with that - then it isn't infidelity. If I do it secretly, it probably is.
Leonhart, personal accountability and moral compasses are odd things. Very different for each of us!
Hmmm, I just posted a similar comment on Hubman's blog, but I feel the need to say something here because I think that your broad descriptors of hunter and victim (one who feels their needs are not being fulfilled) are the most accurate categories I've seen.
That said, I believe infidelity has nothing to do with monogamy or gender. Cheating is essentially any breech of trust in a committed relationship that involves bringing in a third party to meet your physical or emotional needs without the knowledge and consent of your supposed partner.
Although it wouldn't work for me, I think that versions of open marriage are viable options for a lot of couples. I also believe online flirting can be the kiss of death for others.
A little harmless flirting satisfies the ego quite well- anymore than that, and you'd better know what you want for sure!
I think you write so well Dana. I enjoy reading your thoughts as it were.
I think the internet has introduced a segment of people that wouldn't have gone beyond thinking about infedelity to just how easy their thoughts can become a reality. Kind of like, hey join the neat guy club and cheat on your spouse, everyone is doing it. Wrong we aren't all doing it. Some of us don't even think about it; celebrity fantasy doesn't count :)
http://seductionofinfidelity.blogspot.com/
Mary, your definition of infidelity is exactly as I would define it. I would also say that infidelity isn't necessarily sexual in nature!
Buff, I'd say a little more than harmless flirting requires an asbestos suit!
Lu, thank you! I do believe the internet has made infidelity much more accessible and has blurred the lines a bit.
DB, I am very familiar with Ms. I. She is a fabulous writer, yet I believe she portrays infidelity in a somewhat dangerous way - almost encouraging those who might be considering it but haven't taken it to the next level.
Lots of good comments on this issue, Dana. Infidelity has been a age old practice, right or wrong. I think it will be around long after we are gone from this earth. We all know why it happens. I don't judge people too often on this issue. There are always two sides of the story. Perhaps the institution of marriage is hard to maintain. Without our religious teachings and influence would marriage be the way we establish and keep long term relationships. Certainly, faithful marriages work for a lot of couples, but not for all. I guess the question that many people must ask themselves is this. What do you do when your spouse says sex is not going to happen and divorce is not an option? What does a person do when they must answer the question I presented? Sometimes life is not fair!
Doomed, I am in no position to place judgment on anyone regarding this issue. And I've asked your question of myself for the past two years ...
Seems to me an awful lot of feeling about infidelity has to do with the idea that partners are property.
That's not to say (um, at all!) that the opposite of partners-as-property would be "free love" and strings-free "open" relationships.
Actually, considering how often straying partners talk in terms not of love or sex but freedom I think it would be more the opposite.
Oh, and while we're at it I'm... pretty sure everyone who says men seek only sex in affairs and women seek only love or affection needs to get a grip. Yeah, that's what they teach us in Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, and afternoon soaps but... you ever actually *talk* to people when they're not feeling on the defensive?
Question: if you're a man trying to minimize the impact of being caught what are you going to do? Play to stereotype and say "honest, it was just for the sex?" Or "we had so much in common, we'd lie in bed for hours just talking, she understood me in a way my partner never has?" Similarly, if you're a woman trying to minimize the impact you'd have to be nuts to pull down a whole upper shelf full of slut-shaming on top of everything else. But the fact is we're *not* 100% different, we're more like 95% the same. And so it makes sense that, at least out of high-school, our external relationships are as complex as our internal ones.
(Not to put too fine a point on it, but if it were really true that men seek affairs for sex and women seek them for love then it would have to be true that they seek *marriage* for the same, utterly disjoint reasons, right? In which case the miracle wouldn't be that so many marriages end but that any marriage endured.)
Cool post, Dana!
figleaf
All excuses aside, infidelity comes down to one simple thing,
"Lack of character"
I don't care if partners go outside of their marriage, I have a problem with the lies and deception that goes along with it.
There's no excuse for that. If I'm in the game, I want to know the rules.
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