17 March 2009

The Begining of the Story

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This has been kind of a backward story - one where I let you all read the last page before you read the first paragraph. That's what happens when there isn't a plan. I thought I'd talk a little about how I got to the final page - or at least the final page of this particular chapter. Some of you know parts of the story, but there is so much more that hasn't been told. A couple of side notes though, before I begin.

First, due to years of on-again, off-again counseling, some great friends, and a little help from God, I no longer have any animosity towards either of my parents for events that happened in my childhood. It was what it was, and they did the best they could at the time. I try to use what I learned as a child in a more productive way rather than as a point of continuous blame, furry and anger. My childhood experiences gave me many more gifts than hang-ups.

Second, in no way am I justifying self-injury/self-harm as an acceptable way to deal with overwhelming emotions. Does cutting work for me? Yes - immediately and efficiently. Does that mean I should continue with it? Absolutely not, and I strive daily to use more appropriate coping mechanisms. It's a constant struggle but one I know I must battle.

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Self-injuring started fairly early in my life. I'm not certain how early, but I have concrete and vivid memories of using self-injury as a coping mechanism as early as 11. At that age, I had no idea why what I was doing made me feel better (laying my hand on the concrete floor of the garage, or on the sidewalk, and hitting it with a baseball bat), but I knew I couldn't let anyone know I was doing it. Not only would they think I was crazy (a common and continuous fear throughout my life), but even worse, they would stop me from doing it. My limited 11-year old logic knew - in some convoluted way - that self-injury was all that was keeping me relatively sane, That somehow my brain would explode if I didn't get the emotions out in what soon became the only "safe" way.

How does an 11 year old get to that point? I can only tell you how I got there.

I've touched a bit on the dysfunction of my home growing up - a raging, violent, physically and verbally abusive, alcoholic father and an overly codependent mother were my only role models. We were isolated from extended family, so there was never any accountability. This was the late 60's and early 70's - kid's were to be seen and not heard. Very few people were even aware of the impact of things like alcoholism and domestic violence on children, and certainly no one was talking about it. What happened behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors. It was "Don't ask. Don't tell" at its finest.

As a child, there was no safety net in my life. There wasn't a parent or adult I could go to who would listen to me and validate my feelings. There wasn't anyone who could save me from the abuse because I couldn't tell anyone what was happening at home. Things were to be hidden. I was to put a smile on my face, get good grades, perform well in sports. Our home situation was to remain guarded at all costs.

I learned early on (maybe at 5?), from watching the beatings my mother received, that expressing any emotion - specifically anger or fear - resulted in bruising and bleeding at the hands of my father. Emotions must be kept inside, bottled up, NEVER displayed in front of my father. Any slip-up on my part and the sting of a belt on my bare flesh, a closed fist across my face, or, in later years, a loaded shotgun placed to the side of my head were instant reminders of where those emotions belonged.

The problem was that, as I got older, the emotions became more and more difficult to stuff. Food kind of worked (still does sometimes), but getting fat had it's own down side - I was an embarrassment to my parents. That angered them both and and resulted in the addition of verbal abuse to the physical abuse. I was a "fat cow," a "failure" and "lazy." This was a vicious cycle - more and more wayward emotions needing more and more space to be bottled up.

One day, or maybe over the course of years, something changed ...

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27 comments:

Biscuit said...

I admire you for being able to set aside your issues with your parents. I'm not sure I'd be able to do that.

we're doomed said...

No one deserves to be treated like that. All children want and need is love.

Jormengrund said...

At the end of the day, really we all want to be loved and accepted unconditionally by our parents.

I don't know why, but even after the evil and ugly things that my parents did to me, if I were to get one pleasant word, or even a word of kindness, I bask in it.

The need to be accepted and loved by a parent is the one thing a child craves more than any other. To cope with that loss, they'll do just about anything to release that pain and frustration.

I'm glad that you're able to admit yours Dana. Don't feel frightened or ashamed to talk about it with your step-daughter. Let her know that her situation is much better than yours was.

I'll still be here, silently cheering you on.

Anonymous said...

I have taken the same approach with my parents as you have related here. As with you there has been no magical transformation--more like a series of steps forward and stumbles back. All motivated by an inherent tenacity to do and know better.

I'm very proud of you for continuing on with this thread. I know that it is difficult.

There is a passage in a book called Emotional Intelligience by Daniel Goleman, which when I first read it lept off the page and spoke to me like nothing else has ever since. I return to it from time to time and it still offers me a kind of comfort.

On page 102, Goleman writes:
"While emotional neglect seems to dull empathy, there is a paradoxical result from intense sustained emotional abuse, including cruel, sadistic threats, humiliations, and plain meanness. Children who endure such can become hyperalert to the emotions of those around them, in what amounts to a post traumatic vigilance to cues that have signaled threat."

He goes on to point out the "mercurial intense ups and downs" which adult children suffer as a result, but he was also the first author I ever read who pointed out that these people are also "gifted" with a very special empathy.

I'm sorry this comment is so long, but you mentioned recognizing you had been imbued with gifts from your childhood experiences as well and I wholeheartedly agree.

Your gifts are well evident in what and how you post and in the support you give to others on their blogs--on their own journeys.

Thank you so much. ~hope

Real Live Lesbian said...

This has to be tough to talk about. Thank you for telling your story. I think that's a very special kind of therapy.

Unknown said...

You already know I had verbally, emotionally and physically abusive child hood, with no love, at all, what-so-ever. Have I forgiven my mother? Maybe. But more than that, I find it easier to think of her as just some person who raised me.

I admire you for sharing your story. It still hurts to share mine, and for some reason, I'm embarassed, or afraid to. It's like it was all a dream and if I speak of some of those things, it would make it real all over again.

Karen said...

I am following your story and think that you are very strong and brave to share this. I (stupidly) assumed that this was an issue that only faced "tween" girls. I am very interested to see where this background goes.

Christine said...

Being of the same age and growing up in the same time, I can totally relate to the "behind closed doors" thing. Everything seemed "normal" just because it was all you knew. Defense mechanisms had to spring up for you to survive.

I hope sharing your story helps in some way. We appreciate your honestly.

captain corky said...

The thing that angers me most about 90% of that generation is that they never seems to take any responsibility for their past actions and behavior. I've learned to take responsibility for my actions, and sometimes I feel stupid when I'm trying to make peace with someone and willing to admit and own all of my wrong doings and I'm the only one that's making an honest, and humbling attempt. At first I did it for myself and that's who it's supposed to be for, but in order for a broken relationship to continue to heal and move foward BOTH sides have to work at it.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I wonder if, at some time, the abusers wake up and realize how many scars they have inflicted.

You need to state, loud and clear, that you have broken the thread...Cam has a loving mother who puts him first in life...

that is a success in itself!

Dana said...

Biscuit, don't get me wrong - I keep my distance (emotionally and physically) but I don't spend time resenting them for the past.

Doomed, no - no one does, but it happens and we make the best of what we are given (hopefully).

Jorm, my parents do that now. I think, in some way, they have their own regrets about the past. What is unfortunate is that those words of praise now are often lost.

LauraJ said...

I came by way of Biscuit. I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this world. I've been a self injurer since I was 6 years old. I remember doing it at that time for attention. Then as I got older the reasons changed and I needed to punish myself. It was a secret shame I harboured for years and years. Sadly I'm still recovering at 35. My last incident was Nov of last year. It's hard to describe and explain to people because they haven't been in the position of hating themselves so much that they feel the need to hurt, to ache, to bleed. I have young impressionable nieces and I sat down with them one day and explained to them what the scars were and why they were there. I explained to them that no one loved me enough as a young girl, not even myself. I told them today I'm doing better as long as I stay away from bad situations that put me in that frame of mind. I love how they reassured me that they loved me.

Dana said...

Hope, it is similar to the suicide story for me to write - somewhat painful - extremely introspective - and a balance between stating the facts and coming across as a pity party. I think I may have to pick up a copy of Emotional Intelligence. From the little you posted from it, it looks like it focuses on the good that cam come from life's trials, and that is what I try to focus on.

RLL, it is somewhat therapeutic to make it all real.

Bina, I think there were many of us in that era who suffered behind closed doors. I will tell you that it is freeing to let go of it though - not to forget, but to just let go.

Dana said...

Karen, cutting is far more common in the tween arena, so I am not surprised, but I do believe it is under much different circumstances.

Christine, I have often said my "normal" meeter is way off, and growing up during that time period is a huge factor in that.

Corky, my parents - to this day - have not taken responsibility for many of their action. They always follow, "I'm sorry" with a "but" and that just doesn't do the trick

Librarian Lee said...

Don't tell...don't let anyone know. How did we do that? Especially when, as we later find out, LOTS of other people/children/women were also not telling and not letting anyone know. Sometimes Dana, I am still "not telling" and not letting anyone know. Thank you.

Lu' said...

I am listening and not judging YOU but it is very difficult not to judge your parents.

Maggie May said...

I write about the same things now and again on my post. It's interesting to read another blogger talk about her abusive past and how she works with it today. Glad to find you.

Big Kahuna said...

Dana - I am so sorry that others would have said such uninformed things that you needed to disable comments. That is sad.

Finding ways to medicate the pain - The manner in which we do that is secondary to the act of trying to escape.

Those who would belittle this have never felt the shame in involved by those of us who have.

Paula & Skip said...

No one deserves to be treated such ways. Knowing emotional, verbal and physical abuse myself and have learned with the childhood gone it takes years to grow young. When the time came for me to talk to her and forgive her and myself she was dead and I was screaming and yelling at the cemetery - I have my issues by now I have learned to live and let live, I have learn t to forgive, particularly myself. We always will be work in progress

PorkStar said...

Wow, my goodness, dunno what to say. It is hard for me to comprehend how people behave towards their SO's in front of kids and not expect them to grow up with that image on their heads.

Good read though and thanks for sharing.

snugs said...

In answer to part of yesterdays response, I come to your blog from time to time to see if you make progress with your many crises, your blog is so appropriately named :) I've been reading you stories for a few years now. A side note, as a result of your blog I've met a dear friend and other bloggers too so I really thank you for that. On this post, I think that acknowledging how you got to the place that you are now is a big step in the healing process. My MIL was not shown love or affection as a child and as a result was never able to show love and affection as an adult which carried over to my generation and my children were also affected. She knew exactly what caused her to be the way that she was but she never did anything about it. She is now a 77 yr old victim still blaming her mother for the way her own life turned out. Before you go on the attack and think I am calling you a victim, I am not. I am telling you this because your story mirrors hers and my hope for you is that you complete the healing process rather than staying stuck in it like she did. I come back to your blog because I want to hear that you solved one of your problems, that you finally made it to the victory line. Whether it is finally leaving your husband or finally working it out with him and having a real marriage. Whether it is now getting past hurting yourself or whether it is Cameron succeeding in school. I come back because I want to be here when those are the stories you tell because I have gotten a bit hooked in to the soap opera called amid life's crises..

none said...

I'm glad you were able to persevere despite such horrid surroundings.

Dana said...

Bond, I think some of them do, and I think others just shove down the pain of knowing they did. Somehow, I think there is "justice"

LauraJ, thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. It is a small world.

Lee, oh Lee ... me too! But I am comforted in knowing that most everyone is fraudulent at times.

Dana said...

Lu, it is hard not to judge them, but I do acknowledge that they were very wrong in what they did.

MaggieMay, thank you for stopping by too!

Kahuna, those who belittle this are lucky - it means they've never been burdened with the shame you and I know all too well.

Dana said...

Paula & Skip, forgiving myself is still a stretch, but I'll get there!

PorkStar, I think they were both a bit caught up in their own worlds to even consider the impact on me.

snugs, don't take this as an attack, but until you stop hiding behind a now private blogger profile, your opinion and "insight" means very little to me. Really ... feel free to keep it to yourself. You are far too concerned with me - so much so you are now making comments on other blogs about me. Some people might call that stalking, which certainly is a bit "sick" wouldn't you say? And for the record, you've not been reading me for a couple of years here ... I've not been here than long.

Jay said...

This is a pretty amazing story Dana. I can't really come up with any brilliant comment, but didn't want you to think I wasn't here. :-)

Vixen said...

It's amazing what we are able to put aside and decided 'it is was what it was'.

I'm glad for you there has been some change. And it seems you have gotten better control over your life in some aspects.

*hugs*