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As children often do, I internalized what was happening in my home and convinced myself that if I could just be a better daughter - get better grades, be prettier, be a better athlete - not only would my dad stop abusing my mom (that was my fault you see - she "paid" for my shortcomings), but maybe, just maybe, my dad wouldn't need to drink any more (that was my fault too - he drank to forget about my shortcomings). If I punished myself, then my parents wouldn't need punish me and I would still learn my lesson. Causing myself physical injury seemed the most appropriate punishment as it was the one most often used in my home.What I discovered, quite accidentally, was that my mind felt better when the physical pain was self-inflicted. This was very different from experiencing physical pain at the hands of my father, which always hurt far more emotionally than it did physically. This was an emotional RELEASE. Sure, there was physical pain, but the self-inflicted physical pain was completely overshadowed by the emotional relief.
The only down side was that at times I would get so caught up in the emotional relief that I wouldn't stop the physical pain before injuring myself. On three separate occasions I broke bones in my little finger, but was able to explain it away as I was always active in sports. It got jammed playing basketball. I got hit was a fastball when I was up to bat. No one even gave it a second thought, other than to punish me for the additional strain on the family budget for a doctor's visit. I eventually learned when to stop.
Looking back, I can see that self-injury/self-harm was a common thread throughout my life. If it wasn't a baseball bat to my hand, it was was a more socially acceptable form of self-injury/self-harm like over-eating, abusing alcohol and drugs, smoking, bulimia, etc. You see, if we are honest with ourselves, many of us routinely practice self-harm rituals. The difference between you and I may only be the "flavor" of the self-harm, but we get there on the same path.
People openly admit to over-eating, alcoholism or even drug abuse. Society has deemed those as acceptable ways to self-harm - but cutting? Oh no! Only sick, crazy, suicidal people do that. No ... cutting is far worse - or is it? Is the discomfort, outrage and disgust outwardly shown really about the cutting, or is it about it touching a little too close to our own lives - knowing that our "flavor" of self-harm manifests for the very same reasons? Be honest. Those who are not judgmental tend to be those who see that although they might never cut, it's not really that far removed from where they are now, or have been, at some point in their life.Again I will say that this is not an attempt to justify what I've done, or what I may fall prey to in the future. Not at all. Self-injury/self harm is NOT a healthy way to deal with emotions. I know that and I'm working to change that. What I am trying to get across is that it is no worse than the 6-pack after work, that bowl of ice cream after dinner every night, the hours and hours spent online as an escape. No, not worse, just different, although I would venture to say that the shame experienced afterward is every bit the same.
There is a bigger picture here - one that I don't want anyone to miss. It is so easy to judge - to condemn the behaviors and actions of others - it takes away our need to look at our own behaviors and it makes us feel better knowing there are people out there who are "worse" than we are. As long as there is room below us on our moral measuring stick, we aren't "so bad", are we?
How many of us have said, out loud or to ourselves, "I may only make $10 an hour, but at least I'm not flipping burgers at McDonald's. I may be a month behind in my mortgage, but at least my house isn't in foreclosure. I may have to eat Ramen noodles, but at least I'm not going to a food bank. I may drive a 10-year old car, but at least I'm not riding the bus. I may be in an unhappy marriage, but at least I'm not physically abused." We feel OK about ourselves as long as we can still find someone "below" us on that moral measuring stick. And if we can't find someone below us, we'll work diligently, chipping away at the self-esteem of others, until we can get them feeling a little less confident about themselves.
Again and again we justify where we are in relationship to those we deem as "less than." What if we did a little less of that and instead measured ourselves based on ... well ... our own potential and character? What if we looked harder at where we could be, rather than where we think we are in relation to others? What if we cared more and turned away less? What if we were more honest about our own shortcomings and less quick to point out the shortcomings of others? What if we offered an encouraging word rather than a judgmental thought? What if we were selfless rather than selfish? What if?
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27 comments:
Well said, Dana
able to explain it away as I was always active in sports. It got jammed playing basketball. I got hit was a fastball when I was up to bat. No one even gave it a second thought
Yep. With you on that one. At age 9, kind of taking a sideways approach toward a death wish, I "auto-piloted" my bicycle into a telephone pole. Got a concussion, lost part of my sight, ended up in the hospital for 10 days. When my parents asked what happened, I said "You know me, goofy, not paying attention..." It was accepted without so much as a second thought. The "goofiness" had made me the object of my 4th-grade teacher's unending wrath and abuse. By the time the school year ended, I was contemplating the relief of oblivion.
And I'll bet your parents were like mine, saying such things as "We know you better than you know yourself," or "It's our full-time job to protect you and keep you from getting hurt..."
/v
Interesting argument you make - that self-harm as you physical inflict upon yourself can be equated to other forms of fundamentally 'bad' behaviour - such as drinking, eating, etc.
I'm not sure there is as much social acceptance to these things as you portray.
There's a difference between enjoying a drink and getting drunk on a weekend to drinking every night. There's a difference between gorging on a dessert after a meal and eating a tub of ice-cream before you go to bed more than once a week.
Moderation is the missing ingredient. I don't believe there is such a thing as 'moderate' physical self-harm. There are people who may harm themselves more than others (break their own fingers rather than cut their thighs) but nowhere in society is that, on any level, considered acceptable.
You self-harm, or you don't. There's no halfway house.
We have words for those that don't employ moderation. Alcoholic. Addict. Obese. They are all considered problems. None of them are considered acceptable.
Doomed, *big grin*
Volly, interesting story - thank you for sharing it! Actually, my parents were more annoyed that I required attention. I was a bother.
Leonhart, now see? There you go! Trying to make things so different. Is there a distinction between moderation and addiction? Of course. Yet for an addict, there is no such thing as moderate drinking, moderate drug use, etc. I respectfully disagree with your final statement. They *are* acceptable on a level that society is not screaming they should be locked up because they are crazy. Or talking about how they are just looking for attention. No, we have empathy for them - there is a "reason" behind their problems. Cutters? They are just nuts.
I disagree with your (understandably defensive) sentiments.
Put it this way: Who would I rather have look after my kid for an afternoon? A person who self-harms, an alcoholic, or a drug addict?
Self-harmer, no question.
And I believe self-harm is less PROLIFIC, and less embedded in public consciousness, but I don't believe that provokes a response of 'cutters are nutters'.
There is no moderate drinking FOR AN ALCOHOLIC. Agreed. But there is such a thing as moderate drinking.
There's no such thing as moderate self-harm. Unless you count cracking your knuckles or biting your fingernails! :o)
Of course, it could be a cultural thing. I'm in the UK. Maybe in our psyche of restraint and tolerance we are more au fait with the notion of self-harm; perhaps more readily accepting of private coping methods?
All I know is that no one ascribes 'insanity' on such acts. 'Unhealthy', yes. But not mad.
Leonhart, if I have an opinion, I had better be willing to stand up for it, right? I *get* your point, and agree with your position, it just wasn't the point of this post. I know - without a doubt - that there is a HUGE stigma towards physical harm and that it is far greater than those still associated with other forms of self-harm. I also know that if we focus on trying to understand and identify with those who are "flawed," rather than pass judgment on them, we might find that we all benefit. And no, there is no such thing as "moderate" self-harm.
Well written Dana. I turn to food for comfort and I think you will find a large number of people with true disgust for fat people. I'm not huge but definately over weight. Where some may rationalize cutting as being crazy, at least they can see that as an illness although unspeakable they will not excuse fat people but look to them as lazy and worthless. Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. My guess is we wouldn't have trouble dodging the stones for there would be few flying around.
What if we loved ourselves a little bit more while we're at it?
Great post, Dana. Seriously good stuff!
"What if we looked harder at where we could be, rather than where we think we are in relation to others?"
I wish my husband would do this. He is always so busy comparing himself and our relationship to other people and things. I've told him, "Instead of worrying and wanting what other people have, why can't you be happy with what YOU have?"
Those who are not judgmental tend to be those who see that although they might never cut, it's not really that far removed from where they are now, or have been, at some point in their life.
{raises hand}
Well said, as I was reading I was saying how similar the "symptoms" are if not the methods to where I was just a few days ago. Self punishment for my own demons takes many forms, and while I have never cut, I fantasize about it. Poking myself with needles is another favorite fantasy. In the end I might just see how far I can bury my fingernails into my flesh.
It is usually after one of those episodes when I can start to turn my negative emotional state around using more conventional means, like talking.
Thank you for being so open.
That is an interesting argument that all forms of self-harm are realted. I will have to think about that a bit before forming an opinion.
The thought of hitting one's self with a bat or cutting one's arm disturbs me way more than someone smoking or drinking in excess. But that is because I don't understand that need.
And to be honest, the whole thing scares me.
Again, thanks for being so open and honest.
No matter the 'acting out' behavior they seem to be symptoms of the same problem (at least they were to me).
The root cause of the symptom was always the inadequacy I felt about myself and the myriad of feelings that resulted.
Learning to love ourselves and forgive ourselves.......For me this was the key turning point. It took a long time but I now look in the mirror and see a man I am proud of and that I feel others can be proud of.
Only once I could love who I was could I truly give love to others. many of of us admire and love who you are Dana and I am one of them. Allow us to show you the beauty in you during the times you may not be able to see in yourself.
You know, I think this post has carried an in herent theraputic flavor with it.
But as I've seen in my short time blogging, most blogs tend to be a bit more theraputic then folks realize.
Maybe it's the anonymitiy that allows us to be more open and honest about ourselves...
Maybe it's the fact that people are less likely to judge you based on the fact that they know where you're coming from.
Granted, there are always folks who are willing to point fingers, cast blame, and prove that they're better than others because of some qualifying point.
However, for the most part what I've seen here is humanity: All of the mixed-up, messed-up, screwed-in-the-head, really NORMAL folks coming clean about REAL LIFE.
I applaud your openness Dana, and I'm more than willing to admit that my need to escape isn't far removed from your escape mechanism, it's just taken a different tack than yours.
Another incredible post with a ton to ponder...I went through the heavy drug abuse period of my life...to the point of missing work, passing out from over-indulging etc etc...
I went through the 'i hate myself' phase in 2006 when I was out of work, in a horrible marriage, was just so sure I had screwed up my life...
one night I sat on my bed with some Oxycontin very close by wondering why it would not just be easier...
then I heard my son come in the front door and the pills went back to the medicine cabinet...
thank you Dana for always opening our eyes to the situations of others.
snugs, sorry about this, but I had to DELETE your comment - it was in violation of 4 of the 5 criteria for comment deletion.
wow, really? Ok, I will go line by line so you can teach me where I violated, cuz I only count 1 to your 4
I do not think it is accurate to compare diseases such as alcoholism to emotional disorders like cutting. I am not sure what the actual clasification of cutting is, emotional, mental, etc. But I am certain it is not s disease like alcoholism.
I find it interesting that you will go to others blogs and stir the pot, but you will not allow that on your own. I see a control freak, if you want to have complete control then go private or keep deleting opposing comments. There are those that have stopped visiting your blog because they are sick of the get off the pot whining. There are several that email me in support of my opinion. I think someone earlier this week suggested that you need to listen. Instead of always have the justified response to your multiple crises, maybe you ought to take that advice, seein how it has not worked out so well for you doing it all your way.
As much as you want to go a more positive way it seems like you yourself harbour an enormous amount of negative behaviour-behaviours that you blame on others, or your past or whatever. Sure there are a lot of people that can 'relate' to this and many of these people are 'proud' that you have come forward but it is a little scary to me on many, many levels - you seriously need to love yourself more but I feel saying this is the same as talking to a rock.
oh, I forgot. I started reading you in 2008, it is now 2009. That = a few years in my book. I never was very good in math.
Lu, I never was much into rock throwing - they all seem to come right back at me *wink*
RLL, what? I have to love myself too??
Bina, my only suggestion is that you take care of you and quit worrying about husband, but then I might have to heed my own advise!
g-man, thank *you* for sharing your story!
Karen, I think you are not alone - we've become somewhat oblivious to the excesses of society used for coping, and physical self-harm really is on the fringe.
Kahuna, somehow I cannot find words that seem adequate to thank you for your kind thoughts.
Jorm, my words were not directed at any group in particular - just general thoughts. The response to this series of posts has been truly amazing.
Bond, I know - from personal experience - how easy it is to point a finger without giving the benefit of the doubt, and how rewarding it is to do it differently.
DB, just because I'm open about my past in no way transfers blame. I am who and where I am based on my own decisions. As far as talking to rocks, I can only tell you that I've come quite a ways from where I was when I started this. It may not be obvious to you, but it is to me.
snugs, parts 2 and 3 of your second tyrannic barrage of comments were deleted as they were "off topic" (in response to this post and any comment on this post). Your original comment was abusive and threatening, was off-topic, contained ad-hominem attacks, and promoted hate.
I've left your remaining comments and feel they speak far louder towards your character and human disposition than anything I might say would - no response from me is necessary.
you are in control, just the way you like it.
you seem to have the right 'snappy' answer always at the ready so then why are you in a bad marriage, why have you abused alcohol and have had eating disorders and why do you cut? Because your father was an alcoholic? How do you continue to 'justify' these behaviours? Are you qualified to be PTO president with these kinds of skeletons? How can you feel good giving advice?
As an ER nurse at a hospital that had an entire inpatient program devoted to self-mutilation, I've taken care of a lot of people with a vast array of self-destructive behaviors. Granted, if people make it to the ER for these things, they are probably going to the extreme in whatever method it is that they are using.
That said, from my experience, there is a huge difference between self-mutilation and eating a bowl of ice cream after dinner.
Many of the vices that you mentioned are certainly capable of being more physically damaging to the person than cutting, or breaking fingers, but I have found few things that make people feel worse about themselves emotionally. Like many other unhealthy coping mechanisms, cutting gives a person a feeling of being able to control a portion of their life that they feel is out of control. But beyond the very short term endorphin release, cutting doesn't actually make people feel better. Instead, it usually makes the person feel more ashamed and out of control, and therefore causes them to indulge in even more self-destructive behaviors.
Cutting is never a solution to a problem.
The end of your post I agree with entirely. We should not spend our time comparing ourselves to the lowest common denominator. Yet earlier in your post, you state that you are not trying to justify your flavor of self harm, you are just pointing out that it is no worse than alcoholism or drug abuse.
It sounds like you are indeed justifying your self-mutilation by comparing it to these common denominators.
Heeey, don't diss the Ramen. We love the Ramen and not because it's cheap. Heh.
Seriously, well written post. I identified many times with it, especially with my childhood. Not eating for four days straight. Then eating 15 candybars in one sitting. Punishing myself over and over. An emotional and physically abusive father who I fear to this day. And yet, I never would have linked my over-eating as an adult to self-harm. That was an eye opener.
Yes, I do think I see myself as lucky, but not because I have more than others now, but because I have known what is is to have less--less love, less money, less security and no matter how much I bitch on my blog (heh!) I thank my fucking lucky stars for what I have now and where I am now. Slightly different viewpoint, I think. Not measuring against others but empathy for others and feeling entirely blessed.
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