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Yesterday's secret was one I really thought I'd never share on the blog. I thought it was a well hidden secret - a secret that would be only mine until the end of time - although I did "confess" to a fellow blogger when he posted a story on his blog (thank you Ro, you were indirectly a motivator for my own accountability). Clearly, my secret didn't stay just with me.
This post will be uncomfortable for many of you. You won't understand. It will make even less sense than most of what I've posted in the past. It doesn't make sense to me when I think logically about it, but in the moment, it makes perfect sense, and it gives immediate relief.
During stepdaughter's (14) visit two weeks ago, the subject of cutting came up at the dinner table (yes, we still eat family dinners at the dinner table at least 4 nights/week). When something like this happens, my mom-dar (radar of the mom variety) goes into full alert mode. Not because I am worried about being "discovered," but because I've learned that kids often bring up difficult topics as a way to open a discussion regarding something they may be experiencing.
Stepdaughter shared with us that a girl at her school was hospitalized for cutting. She seemed to want to understand what had happened, but husband dismissed her conversation by saying, "People who do that just want attention. Don't give it to her." In his defense, this is a difficult topic to talk about - especially if you don't understand it. I didn't push the issue as the shame I felt increased at least 10-fold in response to his comments. Although attention can be a motivation for cutting, that isn't usually the case. Opening up to stepdaughter during that conversation would have meant a HUGE risk for me - and I wasn't ready to go there.
Saturday, again at the dinner table, I got a bit careless. I wear long sleeves inside the house, but it was warm this weekend and I pushed those long sleeves up to my elbows. Stepdaughter was sitting in a position where she caught a glimpse of my arm and asked, "What are those marks on your arm?" When I tried to dismiss it with, "Just scratches from the cat," (by the way, this is one of the more common "explanations" for marks from cutting) stepdaughter replied, "They sure are in straight lines and don't look like scratches." Long, uncomfortable silence, then I changed the subject. No one pushed it any farther.
I'm not sure how to explain to a 14 year old why I self-injure (it is difficult for me to type "cut" - it even sounds shameful and crazy) - I have great difficulty putting into words where I am emotionally at that point.
This happens when I am overwhelmed - to a state of frenzied anxiety - by my feelings. Usually, these are feelings of severe rejection, anger or self-loathing. When I cut, I can make the pain tangible. I can see it and feel it on the "outside" where I can deal with it. When I am in that emotional state, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and "sick", but in the moment, I don't care. I do not feel intense physical pain, but I do feel an immediate emotional relief. Afterward, I feel extreme shame, but am much more emotionally even. The payoff is worth it.
Like many of you, I associate this kind of behavior with people you find locked away in padded cells - those in mental institutions on suicide watch - not with a 44-year old, educated, "successful" woman. An important thing to understand is that this is not about wanting to end my life. On the contrary, it is often the thing that keeps me from wanting to end my life.
What I know is that I am not alone, but that there are much healthier ways to deal with those overwhelming emotions, and I am working towards that. I don't expect anyone to understand this - hell, I barely understand it on a good day - but hopefully, hearing my story will give you a better understanding should you ever be in a position where you are touched by self-injury in some way.
If you are one who self-injures, I would encourage you to get help - to tell someone. If you aren't in a place where you are ready to do that face to face, S.A.F.E. ALTERNATIVES® has a toll free number - 800-DONTCUT.
Yesterday's secret was one I really thought I'd never share on the blog. I thought it was a well hidden secret - a secret that would be only mine until the end of time - although I did "confess" to a fellow blogger when he posted a story on his blog (thank you Ro, you were indirectly a motivator for my own accountability). Clearly, my secret didn't stay just with me.This post will be uncomfortable for many of you. You won't understand. It will make even less sense than most of what I've posted in the past. It doesn't make sense to me when I think logically about it, but in the moment, it makes perfect sense, and it gives immediate relief.
During stepdaughter's (14) visit two weeks ago, the subject of cutting came up at the dinner table (yes, we still eat family dinners at the dinner table at least 4 nights/week). When something like this happens, my mom-dar (radar of the mom variety) goes into full alert mode. Not because I am worried about being "discovered," but because I've learned that kids often bring up difficult topics as a way to open a discussion regarding something they may be experiencing.
Stepdaughter shared with us that a girl at her school was hospitalized for cutting. She seemed to want to understand what had happened, but husband dismissed her conversation by saying, "People who do that just want attention. Don't give it to her." In his defense, this is a difficult topic to talk about - especially if you don't understand it. I didn't push the issue as the shame I felt increased at least 10-fold in response to his comments. Although attention can be a motivation for cutting, that isn't usually the case. Opening up to stepdaughter during that conversation would have meant a HUGE risk for me - and I wasn't ready to go there.
Saturday, again at the dinner table, I got a bit careless. I wear long sleeves inside the house, but it was warm this weekend and I pushed those long sleeves up to my elbows. Stepdaughter was sitting in a position where she caught a glimpse of my arm and asked, "What are those marks on your arm?" When I tried to dismiss it with, "Just scratches from the cat," (by the way, this is one of the more common "explanations" for marks from cutting) stepdaughter replied, "They sure are in straight lines and don't look like scratches." Long, uncomfortable silence, then I changed the subject. No one pushed it any farther.
I'm not sure how to explain to a 14 year old why I self-injure (it is difficult for me to type "cut" - it even sounds shameful and crazy) - I have great difficulty putting into words where I am emotionally at that point.
This happens when I am overwhelmed - to a state of frenzied anxiety - by my feelings. Usually, these are feelings of severe rejection, anger or self-loathing. When I cut, I can make the pain tangible. I can see it and feel it on the "outside" where I can deal with it. When I am in that emotional state, I have a cognitive sense that what I am doing is very wrong and "sick", but in the moment, I don't care. I do not feel intense physical pain, but I do feel an immediate emotional relief. Afterward, I feel extreme shame, but am much more emotionally even. The payoff is worth it.
Like many of you, I associate this kind of behavior with people you find locked away in padded cells - those in mental institutions on suicide watch - not with a 44-year old, educated, "successful" woman. An important thing to understand is that this is not about wanting to end my life. On the contrary, it is often the thing that keeps me from wanting to end my life.
What I know is that I am not alone, but that there are much healthier ways to deal with those overwhelming emotions, and I am working towards that. I don't expect anyone to understand this - hell, I barely understand it on a good day - but hopefully, hearing my story will give you a better understanding should you ever be in a position where you are touched by self-injury in some way.
If you are one who self-injures, I would encourage you to get help - to tell someone. If you aren't in a place where you are ready to do that face to face, S.A.F.E. ALTERNATIVES® has a toll free number - 800-DONTCUT.
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*EDIT* My initial instinct this morning was to close down comments on this post, just as I did yesterday. I really wasn't sure I was ready for the feedback - the chance of hearing that I was nothing more than an attention whore who does little more than attempt to evoke pity from my readers. I know that most of you would never even consider such a thing, but I guarantee you there are some reading this who are far more judgmental and far less understanding.
Any doubt I had about the decision to open comments was was completely erased when Biscuit followed my post with her own - "to wash away the rage" It would have been so much easier for her to just identify with my post and move on, but instead she posted her own story. Please - go take a moment and read Biscuit's story.
I will never be able to put into words how much it means to me that she took this risk. Thank you sweetie!
Any doubt I had about the decision to open comments was was completely erased when Biscuit followed my post with her own - "to wash away the rage" It would have been so much easier for her to just identify with my post and move on, but instead she posted her own story. Please - go take a moment and read Biscuit's story.
I will never be able to put into words how much it means to me that she took this risk. Thank you sweetie!
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48 comments:
Does cutting bring sexual excitement or release?
SirMike
SirMike, I am well aware that cutting is used by some to increase sexual excitement. I am not one of those people. Self-harm - for me - is all about emotional overload and has no sexual component. What you are referring to is a much different beast.
Thank you, Dana. My experiences were similar, and yet different than yours, and I can appreciate how difficult it is to share something like this.
Biscuit, I think there are just as many reasons some of us find ourselves in this place as there are those who are here (or have been). I'll probably do another post addressing how I got here, but that is for another day.
I hope that your stepdaughter confides in you if she is having issues.
For you I can do nothing but send squishy (((hugs)))
I pick. Self harm as well.
I recently watched my 4 year old pick up that habit(since I don't hid it) and it made me want to do something about it.
Dr's have told me it is nerves, and I have been put on medication before(not now)and it did help. Now I have created my own form of self control...I took an old pillow and have begun to shred it into little pieces. I pick it and tie knots all in it. It really does help the urge to put scabs or pick myself. Just wanted to share. Best wishes with your stepdaughter.
I still think it takes a lot of bravery to share this. You just never know who you may help.
Hugs,
Lynn
I used your post as a jumping off point. A Monday secret, if you will.
Dana,
We all have reasons and little secrets, it could be far worse although its still not very nice, maybe when you understand why then you will be able to tell the others that are close to you....
laters
Nicey
Wow Dana. I really don't have any brilliant advice or anything clever to say. I know it was really brave of you to share this with us.
I'll say it again, Dana. I'm so damn proud of you. Jay's right, it was really brave to broach this topic.
It takes a lot of time, and honesty to work out the overwhelming emotions and I'm happy that you're starting to do that for you. I spent way too much time trying to do that for other people first. It aint easy and it's even easier to regress once one has made some progress.
I wish I had something wise and insightful to say. I am ever again so impressed, so in awe. I wish I could say that i understand...I think maybe a little. You are just an amazing woman.
ASM, the plan is to have a dialog with stepdaughter when she is here next - to tell her my story - to offer the insight she might need.
C, self-injury comes in many "flavors" - some far more socially acceptable than others. Thank you for sharing your story!
RLL, I do hope that through all of this someone feels some comfort in knowing they are not alone.
Nicey, oh ... I understand why, but it doesn't make the shame any less.
Jay, to be honest, I am not expecting many comments as it is a difficult topic to even comment on, but thank you for letting me know you were here! *warm smile*
Hope, thank you!
I don't understand how you can hope to share insight and be of help to your step daughter when you are in the midst of it yourself. I read this post this morning and did not comment, I felt you would be more receptive to suggestions for yourself from your more devoted followers. I think it is wonderful that everyone supports your bravery, but am I the only one that thinks that you need help? I do not see you as an attention whore, I see you as a woman that has some issues that need professional help. You are aware that it is a problem and not a healthy one; I hope this admission of yours is the first step in you seeking the professional help needed. I wish you success in healing from it and then maybe you would be the appropriate person to help your step daughter. Right now I don't think you have any business going there. I liken it to someone with a bad flu kissing on a newborn.
Corky, this has continued to be a two-steps forward, one step back process, I just have to remember that perfection really is my enemy in this process.
Lee, amazingly "broken" maybe ... *wink*
Snugs-I am sorry, but isn't her sharing herself and issue the same as a bunch of alcoholics going to a meeting talking about the reasons why they get drunk? Therapy? I agree with you to a degree, but sometimes bonding leads to healing. This might be what Dana needs, and possibly her stepdaughter as well. A first step.
Dana wrote: "What I know is that I am not alone, but that there are much healthier ways to deal with those overwhelming emotions, and I am working towards that." Wouldn't that suggest that she is well aware that she needs help? And quite possibly the help she needs is not professional at all.~C
snugs, I don't get you - really. I post positive things about my life and you are no where to be found, but let me give you a spot where you can stick a knife in my back and twist and you are ALL.OVER.IT. Do you just skim over my posts, focusing on the parts where you can tell me how "flawed" I am? Did you miss the line that said, "What I know is that I am not alone, but that there are much healthier ways to deal with those overwhelming emotions, and I am working towards that."?
I don't in any way believe this is something I can fix on my own (and I'm not attempting to), but I also do not believe that I need to be perfect in order to be of value to others. If that were the case, none of us would be of much value now, would we?
Dana, So many days I just want to reach through the internet and hug you.....
I have told you this before...your posts are inspiration...you open up more than so many others...
Congratualtions
You are a much braver girl than I, that's all I have to say. I admire you so much in many many ways.
My comment in no way is meant as stabbing you in your back. I just don't understand how you can help others when you are still suffering from it yourself but agree that C makes a good point and I can see how that might be of help. I was astounded to see that no one offers or suggests getting more help and no I did not miss your line. The instant that a commenter has a different opinion you sure do get defensive. I don't comment on the posts that do not interest me, it has nothing to do with your positive posts, though I have noticed you have turned over this new mostly positive leaf of late; at least on your blog.
Dana,
Thank you so much for this.
I think I will seek help of some sort. It is going to be very hard.
Like C, I started out with picking, I have so many scars. I elevated to cutting... more scars. Now I am trying to elevate the emotional relief with cutting and alcahol both. It's not bringing the relief it once did, and now I was contemplating non-perscription drugs. I feel like I am going down fast, but then all I hear is the judgement of the "Snugs" of the world and it makes it much more difficult.
Thank you for pointing me to Biscuit's site, as well.
I'm very afraid...but I will be making some phone calls tomorrow.
*soft tears and big hugs*
Once again...Thank YOU!
jw
I have never done cutting. I don't think I ever considered it. You are the first person that I know who has done cutting. I do not think it is a cry for attention at all. If it was why would cutters hide or try and hide their wounds/scars. Your explanation of why you do it makes sense to me. Brave of you to share this Dana; very brave wow.
I didn't read the other comments but dropped straight on down here....
I am not a cutter, but there are people in my life that are.....it is misunderstood and many people are just grossed out at the mere mention.....
I understand completely why you do it...before one judges, they should think of the various ways they find release and cope....a cocktail, meds, a cigarette, risky behavior, food, shopping, etc....
You definitely are not alone...thanks for sharing Dana.
I hope your post and Biscuit's post move you both to a better and healthier life as you both deal with your demons. Demons, I might add, that are not your fault, but your burden regardless.
Everybody else has pretty much covered what I would say, but I still have to tell you myself. When I read your post yesterday, I immediately went down to click on comments, but noticed you had closed them. I don't blame you. When you share something so personal and so painful, I don't think it's a bad idea at all to let others think about it a bit before jumping in to comment. Of course, there are always going to be the ones...you know.
I, too, really admire the fact that you shared this; that, to me, is a huge step! I don't completely understand this particular thing, but we all have our "quirks" to one degree or another, I think. My personal opinion is that, as soon as you're comfortable doing so, having the talk with your stepdaughter could do more good for her than you know.
I think you are one helluva good person and, apparently, I'm not alone. I just hope that eventually you will like you as much as all of us do. Seriously!
Granny Nanny, and so many days I feel those hugs in the comments. Thank you!
Bond, and one of these days I'll begin to believe it.
M, oh, you sell yourself short. You are every bit as brave as I am!
snugs, I think most of my readers have enough confidence in me to know that I am smart enough to realize when I am in over my head and that I will do the "right" thing. You may consider my responses to you "defensive", and maybe they are, but the fact that you comment only when you have something to throw on the fire speaks volumes on your motivation for stopping by here. You comments are really more of a reflection on the kind of person you are than on the kind of person I am.
Anon, the judgment is the greatest obstacle to overcome - I continue to struggle with it. I do hope that you are able to ask for help and find an understanding and helpful shoulder to lean on!
Dana,
I can't personally relate to the cutting issue, but certainly felt a common chord being struck in the matter of what to say (or whether to say anything), lest you take a problem and make it worse.
Your DH is NOT part of the solution with his toss-away line of "just ignore them." Good grief, what human being on this planet wants to be ignored?? Even a bratty 2-year-old responds better to some interpersonal contact than to a parent who pretends s/he isn't there. Arghh! Back in the 1970s there was this magazine called New Woman. Their monthly feature was something called "A Thump on the Head." The cartoon featured a clueless-looking man with a large cosmic woman's hand coming down out of the clouds, preparing to "flick" him one good. It always made me smile. Your stepdaughter's father needs this, and needs it bad. I can't tell whether your stepdaughter is asking questions because she simply knows people who are doing this, or if it's because she's doing it herself. Either way, Daddy's insensitivity DOES NOT HELP. So I get your extreme dilemma here. Do you talk to her about it, as an antidote to Papa the Patriarch (sorry, I'm feeling very bitter today about this type of stuff) or do you avoid the subject so as not to offer her a too-subjective POV on it? If it were me, I might steer her toward websites or books that could give her a straightforward look at the subject, but that's probably the chickenshit way to go (tells you a lot about me, dunnit?). Maybe talk to her with a knowledgable third party, so that she sees the human side of the issue but emotions aren't allowed to run rampant?
And where is her mother in all of this? Does she have a personal understanding of this, or is she also the ostrich type? Or too dysfunctional otherwise to be of any use?
Either way, good luck!! And I don't think maintaining silence is going to help either of you.
Just my .02,
Volly
Lu, sometimes brevity gets the best of me. My only hope is that this helps just one person realize they are not alone.
Breve, I would agree - self-harm comes in many forms. In fact, there will be posts throughout the week addressing that very issue.
Doomed, demons are a funny thing, aren't they? None of us deserve them - all of us are burdened with them to some degree.
kim-d, sharing this has given me a greater sense of accountability. Maybe that's what I was hoping for at some level when I posted it, although I can tell you it was not a conscious action. It was a good thing to reveal.
Volly, thank you for the insight. I am glad I have some time to think about how to handle this situation best with stepdaughter. I'm not sure what role her mom is playing in all of this - I just know that I have become a safe place for her to ask difficult questions and get straightforward answers - until now. I need to fix that.
Dana, when my wife was alive she would cut herself. She kept her cuts on her stomach. She was a large woman and always self-conscious about her weight so I always respected her wishes when she didn't want to undress in front of me, or wanted the lights out when we made love. When she finally confessed to me she had over 200 cuts on her. She confessed because she was afraid it would end up going too far and she would kill herself. Since I was aware I kept watch on her. She was hospitalized a couple of times in her life because of attempted suicide. We had a very long talk about it after I found out. She didn't want to go back to the hospital so we made a deal that I could check her out at anytime and she wouldn't have to go. That happened about a year before she died. She was 43 at the time. I wish you all the best.
You are exceptionally brave and strong to put yourself 'out there' like this. I have an incredible amount of respect for you.
*hugs*
I scanned the comments and can see you touched on something with significance to many people. I applaud your courage to broach such a personal subject.
there is something indeed brewing with your step-daughter...but it seems like a good thing...I hope you two can fine tune your relationship.
like others I admire the depth of your honesty...and encourage you to seek whatever you need to so that your can give up wanting to cut yourself...
warm hugs and prayers.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. I was most moved by your Sunday Secret and my heart hurt for you when I read your statement that it was the first time anyone had ever asked about the scars you bear. That no one had noticed (or verbalized concern) until now makes me sad for you. Thanks for the follow up post and for allowing me to comment.
You could "find" a blog post and print it for step-daughter. Maybe change some identifiable information. You run a slight risk of her finding your blog but you get her the information without having to expose yourself to a difficult conversation.
I'm not going in to detail, just letting you know, my oldest son did this as well.
You feel a burning need to unburden yourself of baggage, but you don't want to listen...What the Hell are we supposed to do that would be constructive? Just listen? Do you ever read what you write? I know you're not stupid- but neither are we...
Howard, this is often thought to be an issue for younger females, but there are more of us out here that don't fit that stereotype than most realize.
Vixen, sometimes I question if it's the best thing to do, but the response I've gotten on this post (both in comments and via email) tells me it was the right thing to do.
Jeff, thank you!
Kat, changing my destructive behaviors has been a long road - one I have made progress on, but still have work to do.
Jill, thanks for de-lurking. In the defense of those not noticing, I've done my best to hide this. It's difficult for someone to show concern when they don't know, and I'd like to think that is why it was the first time I had been confronted.
Fate, that is something to consider as well. Thank you!
Bina, it really is far more common than people want to admit. Far easier to think that only the sick-o's do this sort of thing - then it doesn't touch us.
Buff, I attempted to get clarification on your comment via email, but having not received a response, I will assume you are referring to my response to snugs. I would argue that I do listen - far more than you might realize - but not everything said is what is best in my situation. Should I get professional help in dealing with this? Yes! That is one of the reasons I've been in family and individual counseling for over a year now. Should I just shut up about it until I'm "fixed"? I think there is value in where I am now - it might not be the same value as what it will be when I've got this behind me - but it is still value.
Just wanted to say that I think you very brave. Very. Thanks for being so as I know that this post will touch many.
I live in a world of secrets so know the power of telling the truth.
Blessings!
Dana, you know what's really cool about you? It's not that you were willing to take the plunge and talk about it. It's not that when you did take the plunge you've spoken so lucidly about it. It's that having made the decision you're just not taking shit from anyone about it and just stood up for yourself.
Which is pretty humane, by the way. An awful lot of people who say "how could you..." to disclosures like yours are themselves struggling with something they'd feel better getting off their own chests.
Anyway, I spend a lot of time talking about things related to sex that people are ashamed of that they don't need to be. Thanks for the reminder that it's not just sex we don't need to be ashamed of, or feel like we're the only ones about.
I'm glad you said something, and said it well... and gave so many other people a chance to say you're not the only one.
Thanks for saying it.
figleaf
I'm sorry- I had no idea that this was a problem until further reading. Way out of my league to comment, but commenting is what we're supposed to do, isn't it? Get help.. and if that doesn't work- get more help! A child of the Universe deserves every chance.
My daughter, who is 13, has told me about the "emo" kids at her school who cut. I fear it is becoming something cool to do and I tell her it is not cool and most of the time people do it to get rid of inner pain.
Hugs to you. I know this wasn't easy to write.
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