I haven't been to a funeral since Alan died 19 years ago. There have been several deaths in my family and I was always able to use the distance as an excuse to not attend. Dan's service is tomorrow, and distance is not an issue. I cannot bring myself to go. I will spend some time at home honoring Dan - quiet, alone time - I hope he understands.
28 comments:
Don't be hard on yourself. There are some places where we just can't swim. My sister was in her 40s before she was able to go to a funeral, and she didn't have the background you did.
I come from a huge family where deaths are just as integral as life. attendence is not so important...just feel it.
You're attending in your own way. Hugs babe.
I'm sorry for your loss. Funerals and death are not easy to deal with at all. I think most people understand where you're coming from.
I "do" funerals better than I used to. You go to support the ones still living.. The dead are beyond your feelings...
Neil, I am a bit hard on myself on this one as I know this time really shouldn't be about *me*.
DB, I don't know what I'm going to do the first time I *must* attend a funeral.
Marlyn, I think what's been even more difficult is that husband has decided he needs to explain why I'm not going and has told several people the Alan story.
Corky, it's been a difficult loss - in so many ways similar to my husbands death.
Buff, I've always said funerals were for the living - I hope they understand!
Funerals help the survivors to heal emotionally; you have selected a different path which is best for you. Again I am sorry for your loss.
I really think funerals are for the living not the deceased. They're gone. I think it's totally fine to honor someone with your thoughts at home. Don't feel guilty about this one, Dana. It's pretty understandable.
I'm sure he does understand, buddy. Cheers Dana!!
Sugar I just read about Alan and you.
I now know why the show was so topical.
You have to do what is right for you--you'll find that on your own terms and in your own time.
And if the husband really tells everyone why you aren't there he is a shit IMHO
Given what you have been through, it is completely understandable. I am sorry for your loss and everyone should respect the way you choose to honor the deceased.
Totally understandable.
I don't go to funerals or weddings. Especially my own. ;-)
Last funeral I attended was my dad's back in '97 and I almost passed on that one too.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I'm sure Dan will understand and appreciate your honoring him in your way. *hugs*
You need to do what is right for you.
It is sad your husband feels the need to 'make excuses' and to tell your personal story to others.
Kannon7, thank you!
FF, understandable, yes ... but not socially acceptable.
Matt-Man, being the kind of guy Dan was, I'm sure he does too!
Turnbaby, funny how topics can be so "right on" when people are coming from different directions, isn't it? I was a bit ... ummm ... irritated with husband feeling the need to "explain" my absence.
Karen, thank you!
Jay, I don't know what I'm going to do when my parents die. Being their only child, I'll not only have to attend, but plan as well.
Tali, Dan will probably find it refreshing that I stood up to the "norm" - at least I hope so!
Bond, especially since he didn't consider asking if I minded him telling the story.
Shitfuck. Everyone's said everything all ready. I'd like to tell some of your husbands secrets around, and see how he feels about the whole thing. I'm sure he must have a few... I'll fly out and be *really* salacious. Wouldn't that be fun?
Keep true to yourself....Dan will get it. No one else has to. You're stronger than you know, kitten..show it. :)
We all say goodbye differently. If being alone is what you need then I am sure that is understood by those that matter.
I'm so sorry for your loss. If it's not about you, who is it about? You are the family. You are the one that matters right now.
The process of grieving is experienced and felt differently by every person. Just because a funeral is typically expected to be attended by certain individuals, it doesn't diminish your own feelings if you choose not to go.
Boo(duh), well, when all else fails, "shitfuck" works!
tt, definitely true!
Luka, grieving is an odd process, isn't it? So different for so many.
RLL, I suppose that is true, isn't it?
Jeff, it is certainly possible that I just don't "think" people understand when, in reality, they do!
I think staying true to yourself is the most respectful thing to do to honor him.
I think Dan would understand more than anyone. Hugs Dana.
I hear ya! Sooooo not a fan of funerals and not looking forward to this weekend.
This is why I've already planned most of mine and it will be a party baby!
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