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I've got a bazillion three or four things I'd really like to blog about, but just can't seem to focus on any one of them long enough to actually finish a damn post. I'm convinced there is a happy medium between writer's block and the overwhelmed writer, but I've yet to find that happy place.
So today, you get one of those, "That seems a bit disconnected" posts ...
So today, you get one of those, "That seems a bit disconnected" posts ...
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Remember my baby birdies and their aggressive mommy? I braved this ...
To get y'all this update ...
To get y'all this update ...
It appears only two of the three eggs actually hatched. The babies were kind of funny - as I raised the camera above their nest they'd open their mouths looking for food. I'm not sure how long these guys will be hanging out in the nest, but I'm hoping they become cat food mobile soon, I'm getting a bit tired of being dive-bombed each time I walk out the front door.
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Yesterday's secret? Yes, I really did. There was a significant blow-up over money after my passive-aggressive, let's see what his priorities are, actions while we were in San Antonio. What I've thought - what I've felt - and what he has denied - was verified. It really is all about the money.
This is not a let's flame the husband post. Husband measures his value to the family based on his economic contribution, it only makes sense that he would measure my value to the family using the same measuring stick. I measure my value to the family based on my caretaking contribution, and I measure his value to the family using the same measuring stick. Clearly, neither of us is "measuring up."
Our priorities - our core life/family values - are very different, and I'm afraid neither of us is willing to reset our priorities to match those of the other. We can't seem to come to a place where we can support each others priorities without feeling ours are being diminished and ignored. We are both miserable on many levels.
The bottom line? I love my husband. I want him to be happy - to reach his financial and professional goals - to have the support and admiration for those things that are important to him. I want the same for myself, and neither of us is getting what we need. It's time to let go of what we thought would be - fighting about the things that neither of us are willing to change - and move forward into the fulfilling lives we both deserve.
This is not a let's flame the husband post. Husband measures his value to the family based on his economic contribution, it only makes sense that he would measure my value to the family using the same measuring stick. I measure my value to the family based on my caretaking contribution, and I measure his value to the family using the same measuring stick. Clearly, neither of us is "measuring up."
Our priorities - our core life/family values - are very different, and I'm afraid neither of us is willing to reset our priorities to match those of the other. We can't seem to come to a place where we can support each others priorities without feeling ours are being diminished and ignored. We are both miserable on many levels.
The bottom line? I love my husband. I want him to be happy - to reach his financial and professional goals - to have the support and admiration for those things that are important to him. I want the same for myself, and neither of us is getting what we need. It's time to let go of what we thought would be - fighting about the things that neither of us are willing to change - and move forward into the fulfilling lives we both deserve.
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22 comments:
I believe that you have the correct attitude towards the differences between you and your husband. I also know that coming to this conclusion and sticking by it must hurt like crazy.
{{Hugs}}
If you are getting dive bombed by the bird momma...I think it may be time to move the nest.
There are a couple of sayings about marriage that I absolutely hate.
One and One don't make two, they make one...or...
When people get married, they become one.
Fuck that...If a couple marry and become one, then one or both of them lose all or part of their identity.
Have a wunnerful day. Cheers!!
Common goals are what my 36 yr. old marriage was, and pretty much still is based on. We have had differences, arguements, and have drifted further, then closer numerous times, but our fundemental goals have really never been far apart...I can only imagine how hard that would be to deal with..
you're just your own tippi hedren out there aren't ya?
I'm sorry that you have been so unhappy..and I'm sorry for him too cause he's gonna lose a really good thing. Obviously the guy has some game cause you have made herculean effort on the relationship...and you love him.
divorce is not an easy choice either. But it seems you have tried everything else...
Flyinfox_SATX, I've often said this would be so much easier if I hated/was angry with husband. It's because I love him and want for him to have what makes him happy that makes it difficult.
Matt-Man, and honestly that is what has happened here. The assumption was that I would adopt husbands priorities, and that he would adopt mine. They should have been sorted out in the beginning - BEFORE getting married.
buffalodick, and it is difficult for BOTH of us to deal with. I assumed that caring for the family, and supplementing the family income, was my goal until the kids were in college. Husband sees a shorter time-line, one where I should be "done" with family obligations and moving forward on financial/professional obligations.
I don't think we can manage another 5 years of this conflict.
I love the way you just said that you love your husband and want both of you to be happy. I think finding that out before you actually hate one another is better for everyone's peace of mind.
It's fairly clear that you understand your husband's self-imposed "value" to the family. Your "values" are well understood too. By clinging to these "values", your husband much more than you, I think you are both losing out in your marriage. Each spouse brings "value" to the union of marriage. The marriage becomes or stays strong because of the "values" that each spouse brings into the relationship. It's too bad that the values in your marriage seem to be incompatible. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, things aren't meant to work out.
Having literally just got married I suppose I am in an oddly positive frame of mind about the whole business.
So, your last point, does this mean you and your husband will be seeking out your own sense of worth independently?
katherine., if I'd have known I'd be attacked on my own front porch I'd have EATEN the eggs when I had a chance!
Divorce is never easy, but neither is continuing on in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.
Karen, this really isn't about what he *did* to me, or what I *did* to him, but rather a partnership that has broken down. I really do want him to be happy, but also know that I cannot give him what he needs without compromising what I need.
we're doomed, in my perfect world, we would both appreciate and celebrate what the other offers to the marriage as we really do offer complimentary qualities. Unfortunately, that has not been the case, and seems to be the one thing husband is not willing to explore.
Holy Shit Dana. Sounds like I could have written this post, (except for the baby birds) but you did a MUCH better job than I ever could have. I mean, the money, values, everything. It is SO much my marriage.
At least you are communicating and each of you seems to "get" the core problem/issue. Perhaps now that he realizes this, he might be willing to compromise. If not, then it'd be time to move on. Sadly...
I hope the two of you are able to find the solution that makes both of you happiest.
Your last sentence...
so well said.
You do deserve wonderful lives!
Money really is an evil bastard, isn't it? I feel like we are just getting on our feet financially,... it's been a rough road to get there... but as you have stated, the important thing is not to let it turn you against each other...
I believe most Wife's and husband's have the same measuring stick as you both do. At least me and my husband do.
Good luck and hang in there. You may not win the War but at least take him down on the battle.
If your not there for Cam, who will be? Put his best interest at heart. I, having a mix family with ex's and step-children including my own Child, can relate to what you are saying.
Leonhart, CONGRATULATIONS! Nothing wrong with remaining positive - I still believe marriage can be a very positive thing.
As far as what this means, I'm honestly not sure. If we can't come to some workable solution with the help of an unbiased 3rd party (part of the ultimatum I gave), then I would say it is likely we will not remain married. I said my marriage vows with love in my heart, and it hurts my heart to see both of us so unhappy.
Bina, it's a difficult place to find yourself, and admitting that you really screwed up by not addressing the "obvious" in the beginning is quite humbling.
Evil Twin's Wife, I think we are both aware of the core issue (being valued for our individual contributions) however I question whether either of us is willing or able to compromise at this point. I just hope that we can remain on good terms should the marriage end.
3carnations, that is EXACTLY my hope. I'm not out to make him "pay" for the grief, and I can only hope he feels the same way.
Real Live Lesbian, sometimes you have to look at it from both sides. I think it's unusual that one partner is extremely satisfied in a relationship and the other is not. Pointing fingers - placing blame - on the demise of the relationship just makes it more difficult to move forward in the things that are truly important.
Organic Meatbag, well, I don't really think it is the money as much as it is the views ABOUT the money. In our case, we make plenty of money to provide for our needs, but beyond the basic needs our priorities are just miles apart.
cat, I think the measuring sticks are quite common as well, but some people are more able to see the value in the non-monetary side of things. Without that perspective, the measuring sticks might as well be in meters and yards.
Irregardless of who is or isn't pulling their weight in whatever department...or whatever the case may be (financial versus caretaking in this particular case) I am damn proud of you for speaking your mind.
Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders and clear in this situation right now regarding your husband. It's good I think that you finally cleared the air, brought the situation to a head with him. I wish you the best, however it may work out.
I hope the moving forward works. I really do.
and those are some ugly ass birds.
Very well said. It took me getting out of my marriage and a time to look back to see that that was exactly what happened in my marriage. For the first two years I will admit that I went through an identity crisis of sorts....it was a somewhat painful but also liberating process to reestablish who I was.....good luck Dana.
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