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This should be a fun post - one where I tell you about my travels out east on Wednesday to meet up with blogger Hope for lunch...
... or about my trip later in the day when I finally met up with blogger Flyinfox and his wife for great beer and trivia after missing the first attempt a year ago.
Call the fashion police - I wore the same outfit to BOTH blogger meets - they were on the same day!
But noooo ... those will need to wait for a time when I can do them justice, because right now? I'm justhurt pissed and I've got to vent.
Husband did pick Cam and me up from the airport last night. He did not even get out of the car. Cam and I loaded the bags then got in to head to dinner with husband and step-daughter (logistics thing - Thursday he has dinner with her - airport is within 15 minutes of his ex's house). There is no discussion in the car. Silent treatment is still in full effect.
Dinner is a bit better. Conversation is cordial, but cold. It got a bit dicey when husband noticed Cam's pierced ears and said, "Are his ears pierced? When did we decide that was OK?" to which I replied, "The standard in the house is that the kids can have their ears pierced when they are 12. You wouldn't let Cam do it at 12 because of his grades. He had an EXCELLENT report card this term. He deserved the reward." We drop off step-daughter and the interior of the car freezes up again. No! Not the A/C! The silent treatment.
I come home to better than what I thought I'd find. Dishes were in the dishwasher - plants were watered - but the laundry room where we keep the cats during the day? Look ... I know no one really enjoys cleaning the litter box, but the smell of a one that hasn't been cleaned - let alone two that haven't been cleaned (we added a second litter box for the 4 days husband was in San Antonio) - is usually enough to motivate someone to complete the task. Not so. I spent the first hour of my time at home cleaning up the laundry room - emptying litter boxes - sweeping - removing the WEEK OLD cat food. And yes, I did make a few snide comments. I even had the audacity to ask if he had cleaned the litter boxes while I was gone in quite the accusatory tone. He claimed he did. Not every day he didn't!
The rest of the night was spent as it always is - me on the laptop, husband falling asleep in "his" chair. When he got up to go to bed, I asked for a hug. This would be the "norm" in our house. I was told I could not have a hug - that I didn't deserve it.
I proceeded to follow him upstairs and make some stupid, snide remark. Something about it must be nice to be him - to get to decide when people deserve love and when they don't, punctuated with a "fuck you" - then put the cats up for the night and headed to bed ... in the spare bedroom.
In fairness, part of this is actually my doing. Remember THIS secret? The one where I contemplated whether husband would contribute additional $$ to the joint account to cover the mortgage since he wouldn't help out with Cam's activities? Those of you who said I already knew the answer to that question were right ... and the account was overdrawn while we were in San Antonio.
So, in addition to the wallet silent treatment, the fact that husband left San Antonio without leaving any money to cover vacation expenses for me and the three kids for the last four days of our trip, I compounded the issue by overdrawing the bank account with checks written for Cam's camp and football registration. Now you see why I don't deserve love from husband - why it's been over a week since he even touched me and over 6 months since we had sex - why he is better off without me. Just get out your Sharpie and draw a big "L" on my forehead ...
**UPDATE** Make that a lower case "l". Apparently Iearned deserved a peck on the cheek as he headed out the door for work this morning. What a lucky woman I am to deserve the attention of my husband.
... or about my trip later in the day when I finally met up with blogger Flyinfox and his wife for great beer and trivia after missing the first attempt a year ago.
Call the fashion police - I wore the same outfit to BOTH blogger meets - they were on the same day!But noooo ... those will need to wait for a time when I can do them justice, because right now? I'm just
Husband did pick Cam and me up from the airport last night. He did not even get out of the car. Cam and I loaded the bags then got in to head to dinner with husband and step-daughter (logistics thing - Thursday he has dinner with her - airport is within 15 minutes of his ex's house). There is no discussion in the car. Silent treatment is still in full effect.
Dinner is a bit better. Conversation is cordial, but cold. It got a bit dicey when husband noticed Cam's pierced ears and said, "Are his ears pierced? When did we decide that was OK?" to which I replied, "The standard in the house is that the kids can have their ears pierced when they are 12. You wouldn't let Cam do it at 12 because of his grades. He had an EXCELLENT report card this term. He deserved the reward." We drop off step-daughter and the interior of the car freezes up again. No! Not the A/C! The silent treatment.
I come home to better than what I thought I'd find. Dishes were in the dishwasher - plants were watered - but the laundry room where we keep the cats during the day? Look ... I know no one really enjoys cleaning the litter box, but the smell of a one that hasn't been cleaned - let alone two that haven't been cleaned (we added a second litter box for the 4 days husband was in San Antonio) - is usually enough to motivate someone to complete the task. Not so. I spent the first hour of my time at home cleaning up the laundry room - emptying litter boxes - sweeping - removing the WEEK OLD cat food. And yes, I did make a few snide comments. I even had the audacity to ask if he had cleaned the litter boxes while I was gone in quite the accusatory tone. He claimed he did. Not every day he didn't!
The rest of the night was spent as it always is - me on the laptop, husband falling asleep in "his" chair. When he got up to go to bed, I asked for a hug. This would be the "norm" in our house. I was told I could not have a hug - that I didn't deserve it.
I proceeded to follow him upstairs and make some stupid, snide remark. Something about it must be nice to be him - to get to decide when people deserve love and when they don't, punctuated with a "fuck you" - then put the cats up for the night and headed to bed ... in the spare bedroom.
In fairness, part of this is actually my doing. Remember THIS secret? The one where I contemplated whether husband would contribute additional $$ to the joint account to cover the mortgage since he wouldn't help out with Cam's activities? Those of you who said I already knew the answer to that question were right ... and the account was overdrawn while we were in San Antonio.
So, in addition to the wallet silent treatment, the fact that husband left San Antonio without leaving any money to cover vacation expenses for me and the three kids for the last four days of our trip, I compounded the issue by overdrawing the bank account with checks written for Cam's camp and football registration. Now you see why I don't deserve love from husband - why it's been over a week since he even touched me and over 6 months since we had sex - why he is better off without me. Just get out your Sharpie and draw a big "L" on my forehead ...
**UPDATE** Make that a lower case "l". Apparently I
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36 comments:
It's pretty sucky that he treats you like that.
Dana,
It sounds to me like your at the end of the line and the time has come to move forward with your life and stop letting others hold you back. Good luck
it hits you in the head like a brick and you still dont get it - or do you?
You are smart enough to know that writing the checks for Cam's activities--a non-essential---and putting in jeopardy the mortgage--an essential--was a pretty good job of 'soiling the nest'.
But passive aggressive behavior---both of you are doing it--does not fix things--it feeds the festering boil that is an unhealthy relationship.
The plus here is that you knew some shit like this was coming. You had time to mentally prepare yourself at least.
I will say that this is emotional abuse. I will be the first to admit that on occasion, I would pull shit like this on my ex. But that is because I was just hankering to get divorced. When my divorce happened, I can now honestly say it was the best thing that happened to me...
Hugs to you!
I know that I said it before, but the fact the money is control in your marraige hurts me. You deserve someone who appreciates you.
You deserve someone who appreciates you....and he deserves the same (even though I think he's an ass).
captain corky, I would agree, but even suckier that I not only allow it, but encourage it!
rockman, I am so afraid to say that yes, I am at the end of the line, for fear that it will come back and bite me in the butt, but I am feeling that way.
doggybloggy, oh, I get it - that's the "sick" part about all of this. I'm so stuck in attempting to make him love me the way he *should* that I'm wasting the love I have to give.
Turnbaby, *big grin* You are absolutely right, and I really did set myself up for this - at least part of it. It was one of the few times I've really "stooped" so low, but it did make it completely clear that if he has to choose between a love of family - or a love of money - money will always win ... just in case I had any doubts.
Flyinfox_SATX, I did know this was coming, in fact I was quite surprised he even picked us up from the airport. As I said in an earlier comment, *I* "instigated" a big part of this and am now paying the price.
Karen, they say that money issues are at the root of most marriage problems. Although our issues manifest themselves in that area, they are really more about control than anything else.
Don't waste your love. Don't waste your time.
It's all too damn precious.
Real Live Lesbian, and you are right - I don't appreciate what he sees as valuable to the marriage, nor does he appreciate what I see as valuable to the marriage. I'm starting to believe this is bigger than what either of us should have to deal with.
Dearest Dana I do hope that whichever way it goes (he comes to a realization of why he loves you and changes his behavior, or you two go your separate ways) it is of mutual benefit, and that you both thrive in the new environment. I also hope that the change happes sooner than later so that your happiness will not be delayed.
Oh yeah, cant wait to hear about your meetings!!! Hope rocks!
It can't go on like this for you or him. If you can't be a team, somebody needs to be traded...
It does appear you knew how a lot of this was going to play out...
You both seem to be less than happy...but both of you seem to stick it out...
nothing ever changes, so much for the vacation that you were going to reflect on..you dove right back in to your SOP..
This makes me so sad for you. I wish it were better, happier. Have you spoken to him about some sort of counseling (I know - just what every guy wants to hear), but a third party mediator may be just what he needs to realize what he's doing. {{{Hugs}}}
Lilly, I think we are both wasting our time ...
g-man, you know what's funny? That's what I hope for too! I do love my husband and I want him to be appreciated in the way that makes him feel good too! Sometimes I wish I could hate him - it would be much easier.
buffalodick, you are absolutely right!
katherine, some times I wonder which one of us is the most stubborn and how long we'll both compete for the title.
snugs, of course you see it that way, and you may just be right. Hey! At least then you could revel in your "I told you so" mode ... although I think that's what you are (not-so) secretly hoping for anyway.
Evil Twin's Wife, actually, we do need to have a "come to Jesus" talk again and decide if we are BOTH willing to make the changes necessary to make this marriage better. I'm not overly optimistic about the prospect of counseling as we tried it once before and when it came time for us to focus on his part of this mess he decided he didn't need to be "fixed" - that Cam and I did. We'll see ...
So who is the real man in your family Dana, Cam or Hubby? Sounds like you have a mess.
I like how he was the one at home, with access to the accounts and could have added more money....yet didn't.
*sigh* I'm sorry....so many things things.
On the bright side, the blogger hook up looks fun. :) I like that top on you.
I'm not a very good advice person. And it's just not my place to ever tell someone what they should do. In fact I really REALLY hate those "You know what you should do?" people who then tell you what you should do.
But .... At some point enough has to be enough.
OK< this is sounding more and more like my ex-marriage (Except I didn't have any extra money)
In our case it was her need for things that caused overdrafts...my not being interested in her physically for a long time, her not understanding that a simple touch of the hand is worth three night of sex,
We kept it together until Matt went to college (and I got the job in Memphis) and then it fell apart...it would have happened earlier but I would not leave Matt...
Only you can decide how long you want this cold room mate situation to continue.
Only you can decide whether moving out and having to down-size greatly is better for your mental health and the mental health of Cam.
Only you can decide how long you want this to go on.
It is a tremendously difficult decision.
I am sending prayers that you find the right answer.
we're doomed, I've had a mess for quite a while, just sat here in denial enjoying (?) the view.
Vixen, he actually called me Wednesday - SCREAMING - about the overdraft. I thought he *might* take care of it, but instead he allowed additional overdrafts. It's his need to "punish" for wrong-doings.
Jay, I know Jay ... I imagine you reading this post, shaking your head, deciding if you should say what you really want to say in the comments. I appreciate you being gentle even though I know you likely just want to grab me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me.
Bond, I am really hoping that we can sit down and have a calm discussion about what would be best for each of us. As I said, I don't hate him - I don't wish bad things for him - but he really cannot be any happier in this mess than I am. And yes, although some of my readers would argue that this is an easy decision, I would argue that when you make a commitment to a person and to your God, it's not - nor should it be - that easy to walk away.
I want to thank you for being so generous as to share your vacation! I have enjoyed the vlogs. I wish I could give you some sort of advice as to the marriage situation, alas, I have been married 29 years and know of the struggles you deal with and I do believe I understand some of your reasons for staying there, whether they be right or wrong, we must all make our own decisions. Just know that your true friends will stand behind your choice, and not try to make it for you!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things improve soon.
Dana, I read this with a heavy heart. My Ex was/is the master of passive aggressive behavior and holding grudges. This reminded me of our last year of marriage. He had come home from work and I was outside sitting in the yard. I hate touchy feely discussions but couldn't help myself. I asked as he walked by if he knew when he last said he loved me. He could not recall; I informed him it had been 5 months ago when i quit saying it to him first. I was shocked at his excuse: "Do you know that when we were in Emerald Isle, we only made love once?" My mind became confused, and I tried to grasp at what he was saying. "you mean when we were in Emerald Isle 2 years ago???? When we had an open loft bedroom and was sharing the house with our kids and another family???" that was what he was talking about. He refused to say he loved me for two years because we had sex during a one week vacation!!!!! It was at that point I gave up.....how can you battle someone's childless grudge?? Instead of being a grown up and immediately telling me what was bothering him, he kept it to himself but took it out on me for 2 years. I can't abide in a relationship where someone keeps score.
I was a stay at home mom for 20 or our 23 years, so I was totally dependent on him financially. And I stayed in the marriage primarily because I made a vow NOT to him but to GOD, and when I felt my survival...and I mean survival of my soul and self were in jeopardy, and when I had the peace that I prayed for....I walked away....and never ever questioned my decision. And he was miserable too, yet he seemed to be more willing to stay in familiar misery than I.
You are in my prayers Dana...may God direct your path and bless you and Cam.
{{{Dana}}} I already weighed in, so I won't here. You are a strong, vibrant, loving woman. I am sure you will get to a place that you will not only realize that, but revel in it. MUAH!
ok to lighten this up a little...DUUUDE Hope needs a better damn BRA!!!!
xoxox
let me know you are okay!
There's the doghouse, and then there's YOUR HOUSE right now.
Not that I am saying you're like some battleaxe wife tearing strips off your husband. Your situation is way more complicated than I appreciate. But, even still, it doesn't sound like a nice place to be.
Didn't deserve a hug? Ha. What a goob he is. Sorry and Cheers!!
If everyone got what they *deserved*, he'd have my foot planted waaaay up inside his ass.
Granny Nanny, I had fun sharing my vacation! I know that I share only a portion of a complicated situation in my marriage. There will always be folks who feel I'm making the wrong decisions. I remind myself frequently that it is far easier being an armchair quarterback!
3carnations, we all have trials and tribulations in life, some of us just wallow in them a bit longer. It will get better!
Breve, you made me cry ...
Hope, lucky you got to be there when the phone call came! A better bra? You could have been like me and just not worn one at all!
Leonhart, your comment made me laugh out loud! I really don't believe either of us is intentionally making life difficult for the other, we just have very different priorities!
Matt-Man, I don't deserve much these days!
Biscuit, *gigglesnort*
That really pisses me off that you are treated that way.
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