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What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.
~Jewish Proverb
Gossip. It's a funny thing. Sometimes we are entrusted with a secret that is just too good to keep to ourselves, and really, if the person we tell swears not to say a word, then it's not really gossip, is it? Or, we hear a juicy tidbit about someone we don't particularly care for, and when his/her name comes up in conversation, it's only right that we confess what we've heard too, right? Or, if they have the audacity to carry out questionable behavior in a public forum (or so the rumor goes) then they deserve to be called out, don't they?
A 2001 study conducted by a UK group, Industrial Society, described true gossip as meeting these five essential criteria:
So why am I standing on the gossip soapbox? I read a blog post this weekend that really bothered me. Although the idea of someone repeating what they'd heard (a rumor that had the potential to destroy a family) didn't sit well with me, what bothered me even more was the justification of the poster, and the commenters, that the gossip was *deserved* - this coming from people who didn't know anything about the person being gossiped about. How down right scary is that?
None of us are immune to gossip, but how many of us actually to try stop it rather than multiplying it? What if, when someone tries to share gossip with us, we ask them, "Why are you sharing this information with me? I would prefer not to talk about so-and-so without him/her being here." What if we defended others in their absence, just as we'd wish for others to defend us?
What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.~Jewish Proverb
Gossip. It's a funny thing. Sometimes we are entrusted with a secret that is just too good to keep to ourselves, and really, if the person we tell swears not to say a word, then it's not really gossip, is it? Or, we hear a juicy tidbit about someone we don't particularly care for, and when his/her name comes up in conversation, it's only right that we confess what we've heard too, right? Or, if they have the audacity to carry out questionable behavior in a public forum (or so the rumor goes) then they deserve to be called out, don't they?
A 2001 study conducted by a UK group, Industrial Society, described true gossip as meeting these five essential criteria:
- The person being talking about is not present;
- The people having the conversation have an established relationship with the subject;
- The information has no direct impact on the lives of the people conducting the conversation;
- The conversation is generally negative in tone, and
- The conversation is morality-based in its implications.
So why am I standing on the gossip soapbox? I read a blog post this weekend that really bothered me. Although the idea of someone repeating what they'd heard (a rumor that had the potential to destroy a family) didn't sit well with me, what bothered me even more was the justification of the poster, and the commenters, that the gossip was *deserved* - this coming from people who didn't know anything about the person being gossiped about. How down right scary is that?
None of us are immune to gossip, but how many of us actually to try stop it rather than multiplying it? What if, when someone tries to share gossip with us, we ask them, "Why are you sharing this information with me? I would prefer not to talk about so-and-so without him/her being here." What if we defended others in their absence, just as we'd wish for others to defend us?
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35 comments:
Silence is Golden!!!!
I try to live by "If I won't say it to your face, I won't say it behind your back".
I find it gives me a lot less to remember.
I enjoy being the subject of gossip. It means that I am still relevant to people who, in all likelihood, don't matter to me. Irony is a beautiful thing. Cheers!!
I am so guilty of this. I have tried to change, but it is hard. I have to try harder.
I'm not really a big gossip I would say, I do my part though.
But, being someone who is often the focus of it....I say, who the hell cares.
You can spend your life, like I did for a long time, worrying about what others think or say about you.
Or you can say "who gives a fuck" and go on about your business and live your life the way you think it should be led.
I don't know. I just think it's not something to get all riled up about
Gossip is part of life, Dana. "Why are you telling me this?" My answer would be because I thought it was freakin' hilarious.
How about this - conduct yourself in public so people don't have anything to talk about.
we're doomed, yes it is!
Another Suburban Mom, and I would say that is an excellent way to approach gossip!
Matt-Man, I'm not so concerned about being the subject of gossip as I am about the destructive nature of spreading gossip.
Karen, I am guilty of it on occasion too Karen, but the reality of what gossip can do just kind of slapped me up along the side of the head this weekend.
M, I disagree, I think it *is* something to get all riled up about. Tell me one good thing gossip accomplishes? I can tell you dozens of negative things it accomplishes, both for the person who repeats it and for the person that is the subject of it.
Fairy Flutters, murder, rape and child molestation are all a part of life too, but we don't just stand by and say, "Well, that's just the way it is." Sure, gossip isn't as destructive, but it is destructive, none-the-less.
And the fact that spreading negativity - making fun of someone - is considered "freakin' hilarious"? I'd say the problem isn't with the subject of the gossip.
You know what, Dana, you are no one to judge anyone. Honestly, I think you ought to examine your own life and the things YOU do before you get up on your high horse and judge my finding humor in gossip.
I wasn't judging this girl (by the way, fellow readers, my blog is what Dana disapproved of so much), I was just laughing at the fact that she cries "Praise Jesus" when everyone knows what she did.
There's actually more to the story I didn't go into. She is judgmental about many things such as gay marriage, pop literature, and girls who wear bikinis in public and has expressed this to me both in person and via Facebook.
I'm glad I could give you something to write about though that would take your mind off of your own problems for just a minute.
And one last thing, you told me you do this because your negative reacting readers help you to grow. Please. You do it for attention like you do everything else and you got it.
I am with matt man but I have to say you are once again taking the middle high ground here when you have lambasted your husband repeatedly and he is not present to defend himself and in a sense creating and perpetuating gossip.
I agree with doggybloggy. If you can be ok with what you do here regarding your husband then has out your feelings regarding gossip in the same spot, I don't think you are any better than the rest of us gossiper's. I am not so sure you don't blog for attention and I don't plan on reading your blog anymore. This means I will not come back to see follow up comments so no need to bash me for publicly saying that I will not be back.
Good luck to you and Cam. I still wish blessings on your family, but I don't like the way your blog turns sometimes. That is just my feelings.
Christi
fairyflutters, first of all, my mind is NEVER off my own problems. They are here when I wake up each morning and when I go to bed each night. If I am judging anyone, I am judging myself. It seems those of you defending gossip missed that part of the post where I said, "By definition, "personal" blogging (generally) often times meets all of these criteria. I've certainly done my share here, and I've heard some pretty terrifying stories of bloggers who have been on the receiving end of destructive gossip. I have to wonder how many times my own gossip has caused grief for those that it touched. It's a very humbling thought.
I'm not perfect - I NEVER will be - and writing this post makes me take a hard look at how I contribute to what bothers me the most about gossip.
It's really not about you *wink*
doggybloggy, Please show me where it is in this post that I claim I don't gossip? I plead guilty in the post and in the comments. All I will say is it's pretty difficult to justify gossip - I sure can't seem to come up with anything that makes my participation in it look less ugly!
coolmamachris, don't forget, you're with Elisa too! That's fine - seriously. Gossip. Enjoy yourself. Find humor in the faults of others. It's just something I need to work harder at NOT doing because it doesn't sit well with me.
And for the record, I am ABSOLUTELY not any better than anyone, nor do I claim to be. I'm a work in progress - no matter how abstract - but hopefully I'll come out on the other side a better person than *I* was went I started the process. I don't want to be "better" than you or anyone else, *I* want to be a better person than *I* was yesterday!
So what exactly is the point of this post? You are admitting to your part but criticizing Elisa's part? You see that you do exactly the same thing, so does that scare you as well or do you just get scared when others do it? This is the part that I find most hypocritical.
"(a rumor that had the potential to destroy a family) didn't sit well with me, what bothered me even more was the justification of the poster, and the commenters, that the gossip was *deserved* - this coming from people who didn't know anything about the person being gossiped about. How down right scary is that?"
There's all kinds of gossip about me floating around the bloggerhood. Of course I started most of it. ;-)
I don't engage in too much gossip. I listen to a lot of it though. I mean, I like knowing what's going on. I just don't usually pass it along.
snugs, it certainly *does* scare me when I do it too. Again, I'll point to the part of my post that says, "I have to wonder how many times my own gossip has caused grief for those that it touched. It's a very humbling thought." THAT is the point of this post! But you'd have to read the whole thing to get that.
I used the content on Elisa's blog (just as I do other blogs, newspaper articles and current events) for blog fodder. There was nothing to tie this post to hers - or criticism of her - until Elisa outed herself.
And I find it odd that she did that after talking about *me* wanting attention. Hmmmm ...
Jay, it doesn't count as gossip about you if you start it! That's merely self-promotion *grin*
the funny part is I read her post the other day and it was a bit funny but it went in one ear and out the other and I didnt even read the comments - but I am going to go read them now
doggybloggy, well, different things hit each of us differently depending on where we are at the moment. I'm glad you are going over there - my guess is you'll see it much like everyone else - an overreaction on my part. That's the beauty of opinions. We all get to have our own and no ones is any better than anyone elses!
yup - an over reaction - a lot of times it comes across as you standing there in a wrinkled shirt telling everyone else to iron their clothes.
doggybloggy, what's unfortunate is that isn't at all what happens, but rather it's me, standing in a wrinkled shirt, looking in the mirror and reprimanding myself for not ironing better!
I've been praised and critized in my life. I find I really don't often care who says what about me...
Did I tell you what I heard about Dana? You know the girl that does HNT and tells us about her life in detail...
So ya know what I heard? I heard she ROCKS.
Is that gossip?
I despise gossip and I do go out of my way to "debunk" it by directly asking the person the gossip is about. When the person asks who told me, I gladly point the finger. My way of letting others know that I don't tolerate gossip.
Example: Someone went around telling others that I had a 3some with this woman when it hadn't happened at all. I informed my wife of this and we both posted on our Facebook accounts how ridiculous some people are in terms of gossiping and we outed her.
buffalodick, I'm not as worried about the gossip about me as I am about how I might contribute towards gossiping *about* others!
Bond, let's see if it meets the criteria for gossip ...
* The person being talking about is not present
Nope! Not gossip because here I am ... but thank you anyway for the ego stroke!
Nolens Volens, good for you! I need to do this more as it really is a sure-fire way to stop the gossip in its tracks!
I understand the concept of what you are saying, but not when it comes to blog world. What I mean by that is, I've never experienced it or witnessed it. You seem to read a lot more blogs than I do and I've never seen conflict on here.
In real life? I swear to you, the most religious person at work is the BIGGEST gossip at this company, and yes, it DOES hurt people. I've seen it happy, and I've seeen her confronted. She cried and threatened to sue when she was confronted, but she never talked about THAT person again.
I listen to gossip. I consider gossip a conversation about a person that isn't there to confirm or deny the remarks made. I have done as you suggest. I try, most times successfully, not be a party to mean spirited gossip but hey...
I have tried more so now that I am older and hopefuly wiser not to say something if I don't have anything nice to say. BUT when reading a blog post of a blogger you like and care about it is hard not to chime in negatively about someone that causes the blogger distress; guilty :(
Gossip is a fascination aspect of human nature. All groups of people do it. I believe there's good research indicating that it's akin to a survival practice.
When we used to live in villages, malicious gossip could drive out and exile particular individuals who would, of course, die as a result.
Consider scandals and rumours and gossip of English history that brought down monarchies (the movie Elizabeth is a good film that shows how this works).
Nowadays gossip can stop a rival colleague getting a promotion or break apart romantic interests.
Works the other way too, though. In its basic sense, gossip serves a similar function that picking fleas off a gorillas back does for their group; it's a social enabler and fosters relationships.
Should we gossip? In my view, the result of what it would mean to how we'd relate and conduct ourselves otherwise make it damn near essential.
Bina, I've seen it happen ONCE in the blogging world (not to me) and it was certainly destructive. I do find it interesting that anytime a "religious" person is involved in gossip, it is somehow worse. Like if you profess a love of God, you are supposed to lead a "perfect" life. I believe that is an unreasonable expectation.
Lu', I am quite guilty of listening to gossip - not so much in passing it on - although I've done that as well. I'd like to curb both behaviors in myself. The situation you mention with bloggers is a tough one. Someone coming to my blog - with no history on what kind of person I am or the context I write in - might certainly spew negativity, and like you, I feel a need to stick up for other bloggers when I read that sort of thing.
Leonhart, I will give you fascinating, but will disagree on with you on essential. I don't believe that "mean spirited" gossip is ever essential.
As much as I dislike it, I am guilty of doing it too. Although, I *really* try to refrain from the 'mean spirited' kind.
I do have to say that I am much more offended by/against rumors than I am gossip.
Gossip is something that just about everyone does at some point or another. I just think it's a fine line of when it offends/bothers another person/other people.
As you pointed out though....personal growth is important and I think it's good to walk away from a situation/something you've read/heard, etc and see things in yourself you would like to change/do differently.
"What if we defended others in their absence, just as we'd wish for others to defend us?"
What if? A nice thought indeed. But most of humanity just isn't that....humane. *shrugs*
Nolens is an exception. I know VERY few people like him.
Most people simply do not have the balls to stop the gossip buck in its tracks. But then again - merely saying to the gossiper "I don't want to hear it" doesn't really stop them. Nolens way of calling them out? That does. Repercussions SUCK.
Vixen, and in all fairness, this post addresses the mean spirited stuff and rumors all in one. Your distinction on gossip and rumors is a good one - not all gossip *is* rumor, but I'd say all rumors are gossip.
Lilly, Nolens is the exception, but I think I might try to be more like him!
I have had friendships destroyed because of gossip and just plain crap talking that gets back to the other person. It's one thing to sit around with friends and be concerned about the missing friend who seems to be going through hard times. And maybe piece together what people have heard out of concern. I mean, this is stuff you would say to them directly if they were there. But, it is another to perpetuate something that may or may not be true.
I try my hardest to not be part of it. Do unto others....and all of that.
I'm wondering why this post caused so much conflict??? It's as if people expect you to be perfect. Damn, even I realize it's just a topic of conversation, to make us think, and hopefully get through to just one person that gossip CAN hurt someone, I've seen it happen.
And I didn't mean that "RELIGIOUS" people can't gossip. I mean it seems MORE religious people gossip than anyone else I know, including my mother. And my mother believes everything she hears!!!
And far as your blog and your husband goes? Hell people, it's DANA'S blog, to say what she wants, when she wants, and especially about her inner-most feelings. I don't take the things she says about her husband as gossiping. It's the truth as she knows it and there is a BIG difference. Don't most of us use our blogs to say how we really feel in a land where no one knows us?
That's what mine's for! Am I gossiping when I say my husband is an alcholic and can be an asshole? I've said it to his face, and he KNOWS he is an alcoholic, so to me, that is NOT gossip.
If I said Dana and Mattman got together with another chick, had a threesome and video taped it, THAT would be gossip.
But I guess that's just me.
Emmy, there is a HUGE difference between talking about people out of concern (and behind their back) and being malicious to boost your own ego and/or to "fit in" a group. I'm still shaking my head at some of the justifications.
Bina, and you are only seeing the half of it. There was a Mommy Blogger throw down via email. I've been excommunicated from the Mommy Blogger church. I can't help but wonder if it just hit a bit close to home for them.
The issue of being "perfect"? I'm discovering two things:
(1) If you say you are a Christ follower, there is a SWARM of people just waiting for you to screw up so that they can call you a hypocrite and feel justified in continuing to live their lives the way they do, and
(2) There are just some folks out there who don't like me, and they want it known that they don't like me. As snugs has reminded me many times, this is a public forum and they can say what they want just like I can. The only difference is that I can delete them ... they just need to have enough self restraint to not visit!
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