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You keep telling me you cannot financially contribute any more of your income to the household budget - that you don't have as much spending money as I think you do. I was actually feeling guilty about writing the $205 check for Cam's football registration, the $160 check for Cam's church camp registration and the $30 check for Cam to attend the church youth group water park trip out of the joint account, knowing that it meant we'd be hard pressed to make the mortgage next week. That is, until I snooped in your wallet yesterday and discovered the $327 in cash you are carrying around. I wonder if you'll be as resistant to step up to the plate when I ask for money to pay the mortgage as you were when I asked for money to help pay for Cam's activities?~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
22 comments:
Quit snooping for the facts you already know the answers to.
Living in a constant state of distrust on either or both participants in a relationship sucks. And I know, from experiencing it. Cheers Dana!!
My wife has the checkbook, and I always try to have a bit of cash stashed for emergencies...
you know the answer but I think you keep changing the question....
we're doomed, I probably felt more guilt for snooping (not something I've ever done) than I do for writing the checks, but sometimes when you are told again and again how ridiculous your suspitions are, getting concrete confirmation makes you feel a bit less crazy.
Matt-Man, I will say that I need to NOT make this a habit - or even anything I repeat - ever. It literally made me sick to my stomach.
buffalodick, husband has his own checking account - one that I do not have access to. Every month, he deposits more than I take home into that account and is accountable to no one for the expenditures. Little different situation.
doggybloggy, the accuracy of your comment made me smile. Far easier to change the question than to accept the answer I don't want to hear.
My poor husband has dust bunnies in his wallet. I control all the financial stuff around here. And, being the control freak I am, I enjoy that. Sorry you have a shifty situation to deal with. :-(
Sometimes, even though you may not want to, you know all the answers.. And while ignorance may not be bliss, sometimes it helps get you through the day...
Good Luck! :)
Agree with what everyone said.... But what "just me" said is probably the most accurate to what I was thinking/feel.
But maybe now you have more ammunition for help with the mortgage next month ;)
While I've never dealt with a situation like this, I know of someone who had been living with suspicion, but was repeatedly being told she was crazy and had problems. She believed it...even went as far as to get *help*! Went on medication. Last week, she discovered that she isn't crazy after all. Her partner had been feeding her that to throw her off.
So, yeh, getting confirmation that you're not crazy, nor being unreasonable, is incredibly comforting.
It sounds like you have a passel of trouble coming up. Good luck!
I don't get that whole "Your Money vs. My Money" thing. It is all "Our Money". I know different families have different ways of dealing with the budget, but it seems that "He with the most money has the most control". And that doesn't seem like a happy or healthy relationship.
I really agree with Karen on this seperate money and accounts thing. I know others that do it, just don't understand. I read tyhe post this morning way before any comments were made, so didn't want to be the first. I don't have children (and I'm 50 yrs. old), so it may not be an area that I don't have any knowledge of....that's an awful lot of spending and activity. Does your husband feel it's a little much? Maybe I'm just thinking of how easy my parents said, "We can't afford that." ...and we accepted that.
Maybe I shouldn't drink beer and type! :)
I'm always so full of questions---does he know you will write those specific checks out of that account and therefore be hard pressed to make your mortgage because you spent the money on elective things for your son instead? Does he want you to have to ask for more money and then explain that's what you did? Did you do it subconsciously hoping it would come to that?
Because sugar---when you are putting making the mortgage payment at risk you are playing high stakes.
Evil Twin's Wife, the roles are quite reversed here, and there is nothing more degrading that to have to ask your spouse for money for your child (money that was already offered) and then be told no.
Just me, boy, isn't that the truth!
Vixen, this money issue has gotten worse and worse. The more money husband makes, the more he feels entitled to contributing less to the home.
Biscuit, well, Cam and I were told long again that we needed to be "fixed" and once we were, he's follow. We see where that has gone! And yes, it really does feel like I'm going crazy when logic and fact show me one thing and someone who is supposed to love me tells me another.
Another Suburban Mom. I watching things unravel quicker and quicker.
Karen, there was a time when I thought this was a good thing, and I still believe it could be if there were some accountability. No one in a relationship should feel like they have no control over how money is spent and prioritized.
Bette, you can drunk comment on my blog any time! It is a lot of money, and the due dates all happened to be within days of each other, but these are the only activities Cam has been part of this year. We had discussed Cam attending - agreed that it was the right thing to do - so this wasn't done in a bubble.
Turnbaby, he knows that I do not have any discretionary spending money and that the only way these thing could be paid for was with the joint account. He also agreed that Cam should be part of all of these things. I asked for the money we agreed to spend and he told me "no" - he needed to give his niece $300 for graduation and didn't have it (then proceeded to go out and spend another $300 on tools for his hobby).
Honestly, I'm getting quite passive-aggressive and I don't like it. I've basically given up on being the only one who tries and am tired of watching my son go without while his kids take Spring trips to S Padre Island and go out to fancy restaurants and shopping sprees each week.
I'm sorry, but I would have called his ass out on having that much in his wallet.
Where I come from, that is a LOT of money.
Hell, just what he had in his wallet could damn near pay my mortgage payment.
I'd rather be poor and healthy and happy, than have money and have to live with shit like that.
But that's just me.
Dana, I know I am realtively new to your blog, but I understand your situation all too well.
At some point in time, you just have to say it isnt worth the heartache and stress. When that day comes, you will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.
A bigger question is... if you had taken the money from his wallet, would he have said anything or not acknowledged it, for fear of spilling his own secret.
I don't get the separate accounts either even though my Grand Mother suggested it long before I thought about marriage. I know many couples that do run their househole that way. I do not look in Hubs wallet and hope and believe he does not look in my purse. GOTTA have boundries and trust.
I just read Biscuits comment. That was me, 5 years ago. *groan*
So validation that you AREN'T going crazy is always a good thing.
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