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Yesterday in the comments, Jenni asked, "I've yet to hear your husband's redeeming quality. Does he have one? What is it? If he doesn't, then why are you staying? For whose benefit?"
Before I answer this - and I will answer it - let me say a couple of things. First, I use this blog for many things - to inspire, to reflect and to vent. I've vented about public schools, identity theft and illegal immigration. I continue to live in this country, and yet no one asks what redeeming qualities the United States has.
Second, I have no doubt many of you will consider my list as superficial, but that is likely because you have either already made up your mind about what kind of person I am, or you are not being honest with why you stay in your own relationship.
Financial Security - Let me just throw this out there and get it over with. Husband is an excellent financial provider for our family. This isn't necessarily his most redeeming quality, but it is the one that no one wants to admit to, yet we all know is important.
Work Ethic - when it comes to his profession, husband has an amazing work ethic. He strives daily to better himself in his profession and has a great deal of pride in his professional accomplishments.
Friendship - Husband and I have known each other for 18+ years. He knows my past and I know his. There are no surprises.
He's Not Cheap - I am one of those people that will skimp on quality to get a better price, even when I have the money to purchase the quality item. Husband, when he purchases something for me or for the house, buys only the best quality. He feels I (and the home) am worth it.
So what's missing from this list? I'm sure many of you will ask, "Where is the love?" Understand that I feel love comes in many shapes and sizes. In no way is it a one-size-fits-all emotion. I do love husband, but I also am quite aware that love is not enough. It's not enough to sustain a relationship long-term - not on its own.
These first years have been difficult - nearing impossible at times. Most of our challenges have been those surrounding his temper and my lack of consistent discipline of Cam. We continue to work on coming to a compromise in those areas, and as long as we continue to work on the relationship, there is hope.
I don't know where we'll be in 5 years, or even in 5 months for that matter. As is true in all relationships, there is good and there is bad. Yes, there have been times when the bad outweighed the good. Those have been defining moments for both of us. He is not a perfect husband, and I am not a perfect wife, but neither of us are perfect individuals either.
Not too long ago I was fence sitting. I decided it was time to make a move and the move I made was one final (?) attempt at making things work.
Before I answer this - and I will answer it - let me say a couple of things. First, I use this blog for many things - to inspire, to reflect and to vent. I've vented about public schools, identity theft and illegal immigration. I continue to live in this country, and yet no one asks what redeeming qualities the United States has.
Second, I have no doubt many of you will consider my list as superficial, but that is likely because you have either already made up your mind about what kind of person I am, or you are not being honest with why you stay in your own relationship.
Financial Security - Let me just throw this out there and get it over with. Husband is an excellent financial provider for our family. This isn't necessarily his most redeeming quality, but it is the one that no one wants to admit to, yet we all know is important.
Work Ethic - when it comes to his profession, husband has an amazing work ethic. He strives daily to better himself in his profession and has a great deal of pride in his professional accomplishments.
Friendship - Husband and I have known each other for 18+ years. He knows my past and I know his. There are no surprises.
He's Not Cheap - I am one of those people that will skimp on quality to get a better price, even when I have the money to purchase the quality item. Husband, when he purchases something for me or for the house, buys only the best quality. He feels I (and the home) am worth it.
So what's missing from this list? I'm sure many of you will ask, "Where is the love?" Understand that I feel love comes in many shapes and sizes. In no way is it a one-size-fits-all emotion. I do love husband, but I also am quite aware that love is not enough. It's not enough to sustain a relationship long-term - not on its own.
These first years have been difficult - nearing impossible at times. Most of our challenges have been those surrounding his temper and my lack of consistent discipline of Cam. We continue to work on coming to a compromise in those areas, and as long as we continue to work on the relationship, there is hope.
I don't know where we'll be in 5 years, or even in 5 months for that matter. As is true in all relationships, there is good and there is bad. Yes, there have been times when the bad outweighed the good. Those have been defining moments for both of us. He is not a perfect husband, and I am not a perfect wife, but neither of us are perfect individuals either.
Not too long ago I was fence sitting. I decided it was time to make a move and the move I made was one final (?) attempt at making things work.
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38 comments:
Sounds good to me. But you don't have to explain or defend yourself because of peoples questions.
I doubt most people would want to justify their reasons for being in a relationship.
There's no reason to judge you or anyone about the whys.
Oh Dana, I've missed you these past few weeks when I couldn't post or read.
I understand completely what you are saying. I've been there, and unless someone else has been there, they shouldn't judge. You know, the whole "walk in someone else's shoes" thing applies here.
I don't find fault with your reasons. They are yours and therefore valid. There are other things too, his positive reciprocation of your Thanksgiving gesture was a very good thing. For some it would be so simple and for other monumentous.
Richard, I've opened this blog up to questions and sometimes feel the need to be respectful of those inquiries that seem earnest. This was a good exercise for me!
RLL, I agree, yet many of those people are the first to question why someone else would stay in a relationship that appears - at least on the surface - to be a bad one. If nothing else, the questions give me an opportunity to reflect.
Bina, welcome back!! I think most of my readers realize there is more to this relationship than appears on the blog, but others? Not so much.
Lu, yes - momentous for both of us!
having not read you until recently...I hadn't realized you had known each other for such a long time.
It is a good and honest list.
I have to admit, the "nobody asks what redeeming qualities the UNITED STATES has" made me laugh, and also made me realize how different our attitudes are towards patriotism, and, say, marriage.
We assume we can love a flawed country; we can talk about those flaws without anyone assuming we're making plans to leave. We can even love our country without any expectation that our country is going to become perfect.
Compare that to our venal, "what's in it for me" attitudes we hear expressed about relationships. A problem? Well, let's assign blame. Problem isn't fixed promptly? Well, where's your U-Haul?
That's a hell of a lot more shallow than staying in a marriage that commits the unthinkable faux-pas of reliable provision for adults, children and pets.
It does remind me of my thoughts about roommates, though. I live in an area where real estate prices -- and rents -- have always been much higher than elsewhere, so it was common for people to have roommates not just through but after college. And such things just NEVER worked out. Everybody was always mad at somebody about dirty dishes, or who paid the light bill. This made me reflect that without a proper sex life roommates were just too much hassle, who would want to put up with anybody's dirty dishes if there wasn't sex to make up for the unavoidable aggravation of having to live in proximity to another person's laundry?
Kids change the sex v. your socks on my floor equation, of course - it means more socks on the floor. Which means there should be more sex to compensate, but in general, the appearance of progeny does not, alas, enhance the sex life commensurate with the increase in laundry.
I liked what Real Life Lesbian said. :)
There is no reason for you to defend yourself. BUT I do think every so often it is helpful to reflect on a person's redeeming qualities.
xo
I hope that you and your family are successful together. It's hard to blend a family and it's hard to blend two people even under the best of circumstances. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
I have to agree with RLL.
Not really anyones beeswax why one stays, doesn't stay, or all the stuff in between.
I think we all have different reasons why we do or do not do the things we do. Not everyone will agree with all the reasons.
But some will care enough to voice an opinion.
sidenote: did you get a lot of snow? I thought I heard airport closed there.
Nobody should ever judge anyone else's relationship, lifestyle or how they raise their kids. Like you said. It would be hard for most of us to justify ours too.
(Yes I know, that everyone in the blogosphere is married to the perfect person and has perfect kids and blah, blah, blah. LOL.)
The suggestions that you bail reflect far more on the individuals who suggest it than they do on you. Concentrating on the positive has always been a challenge for me, so YAY you!
Thanks for taking time to give such a thoughtful answer, Dana! After reading this, it is much easier for me to understand your situation. Not unlike you, I decided a few months ago to stop fence-sitting and give my marriage one more go, and the results have been far better than I had hoped for. I hope that you have a similar experience!
I'm glad that you want to try and make things work. But don't ever give up passion. I gotta have passion...but hey, that's just me. Cheers Sexy!!
Yeah, what Matt-Man said!
:)
Come see........in need of some positive loving energy!
It's easy to forget the good stuff when all you hear is the bad stuff. I'm glad you got off the fence before it split you in half. I understand the need to check in with someone outside the relationship though, to ask "Am I crazy, or is this really what I think just happened?" Love's a funny critter. I'm glad things are looking up for your marriage, girl. Good on ya.
At least you were honest in your post. That's why I visit - I know that you'll tell it like it is, regardless of how others may feel about it.
Kat, we've been married 2-1/2 years, but have known each other through a marriage (his) and two kids (mine and his).
Helen, I wondered if anyone would catch that United States reference! Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Vixen, I like what RLL wrote too, but know that putting myself out here has both good and bad points.
Doomed, blending families is no joke, especial with his and hers kids involved.
BBall Mom, no, it really isn't anyone's business, but if I put it out here, I invite them in! And we got about 5" of snow last night - ICK!
Jay, but many, many people do judge - with only minimal information!
Biscuit, I do find it interesting that so many people seem to think leaving should be the result of difficulties.
Jenni, if nothing else it was a good exercise in putting the positive out there!
Matt-Man, passion is fairly low on my list right now - at least in my marriage *evil grin* I'm KIDDING people!!
By all means make a go of it. It can only make you more convinced of your own effort. Hope all gets better soon. Sounds like it will.
I agree w/ someone else who said you don't have to defend your choices.
I'm here for some of the same reasons as you are w/ yours. Although mine is cheap. LOL He has a heck of a work ethic and is a good provider. We also have a long history. So I totally get it.
It's not that easy to leave.
Amen Dana!
I stayed in a relationship way too long....it was over and we were just miserable.
Love isn't enough, it's totally true.
You have to weigh things before making a final decision.
I'd never judge anyone who is in the same position I was in. It's a tough call.
The reason I love your blog is because you don't bullshit us on your reasoning. But I must say that you never need to worry whether we are here for you, we are and will continue to be.
I'm so sorry that you have had some bad luck lately. I know it will never discourage you from telling the truth or blogging about it. That is why you have such loyal readers.
No, some things are not our business, but damm it, if you want to express yourself here by writing it out, well then "us" loyal readers will be here to help hold your hand and walk you through the darkness.
We love ya Dana and always will.
I will add my "why is it any of your business why Dana stays in her relationship" to those above
Every relationship has curves and twists and the only two people who can decide how much of these twists they want to endure are the two in the relationship.
having spent four days with my son and having him meet my new girlfriend this weekend, let me tell you...it is not easy.
You will do what you feel is best for you. If that means making that one more attempt, then so be it and good luck.
I, for one, support my friends without questioning their motives.
Liquid, unfortunately, at least for now, passion is having to take a back seat to more "reasonable" efforts.
Boo, as you well know, all we can do is get through one day at a time, and learn from what we've just been through.
Nolens Volens, honesty is all that I have left at times.
Fabsterrant, if there is one thing I do know, it's that I *must* do everything within my power. Beyond that?
FF, it's not easy to leave, even when you've been on your own before. It all comes down to coming to some realization that life is better one place or the other.
Slick, anyone who says, "But I am in love" is in big trouble - especially if that is all they are saying!
Cat, my woes are NOTHING in comparison to some other bloggers' I know *wink*
Bond, I really didn't want this to turn into a Jenni bashing moment. She knows mw from another place I used to visit and has probably heard far more of my venting than anyone. But yes, blending families - even with adult children - is a hell of a challenge.
Dana, it makes me sad that all he is good for is money. It sounds like a business relationship...like he is your benefactor instead of your lover.
So my question is, if you hit the lottery and money wasn't a factor anymore, would you stay with him?
Oh....and by the way, I am NOT judging. I am just asking. You are brave for putting it out there.
Karen, EGADS! My response to you could be a post in itself. In a nutshell, my marriage priorities were much different in my 20's than they were in my 30's - much different in my 30's than they are in my 40's - much different before I had Cam than after I did.
Now, I'm not in any way implying this is the same for everyone in their 40's with kids - just saying it is true for me. Financial security - at my age - is a HUGE issue. It's no fun to watch your children go without the things they need, or to worry that in another 15 years, you'll be a financial burden on them.
There were times (before Cam) when money was the least of my concern, but now? Financial security is a big deal. And I'm not talking about excess, I'm talking about knowing that I can feed my kid a balanced diet and keep a roof over his head. It's not so cute to live in a cardboard box when you've got a 12-year old tagging along.
Dana:
Love does indeed come in many forms.
The toughest part about marriage is trying to get the male communication and female communication to jive.
For men, actions tend to speak louder than words. Being the provider, the "alpha male", the breadwinner.. This is all a testament to how much he loves and cares for the family.
For women, it's the little things. A kind word said here, the unnecessary chores done without asking, a touch, a glance, a "date night" with no kids..
Getting one to notice the other is hard. And when you finally are able to get to that place, things usually fall right into order. The problem is being willing to handle frustration and disappointment until you're able to get there..
I'm still rootin' for ya!
Good for you no making the effort. So many people use the D word at the raising of a voice. It takes more heart and more character to see the good in your partner. You are so correct, not one human being is perfect. (Or else we'd all be single!)
That said, you should not have to explain yourself. Thanks for being brave enough to do so. :)
I am glad you made a decision you can work with. I always thought that being married meant knowing someone's flaws and loving them anyway.
I would detail mine and Hubman's but we have reputations as Sex God/desses to protect!
I've been reading you for awhile but I tend to be more of a lurker than someone who comments. Just wanted to say how much I really love to read you, I admire your honesty (with yourself and your readers), and I wish I could sit with you in some big comfy chairs at Starbucks and chat over coffee..... bar stools and wine would work too! Anyway, thanks for sharing here.
Just be happy, that's all friends can ask for. And everything you deserve.
As long as you understand why you're still there with him, that's all that really matters ... well, except for him knowing why he stays with you!
No one can predict how a relationship will develop with any real certainty - if we could, I wouldn't be twice-divorced after all! It's enough of a challenge to deal properly with the relationship as it is now.
But at least you have the friendship; that's a good basis for everything else.
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