17 December 2008

Can I Have Just a Bit More Stress Please?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, I did it. I took Cam in to the doctor last night (he needed to repeat the blood work to see where his iron levels are now) and I picked up the prescription for Concerta. I have such conflicting and confused thoughts on medicating Cam and none of this is sitting well with me.

I need to preface this next part of this post by admitting to some frustration induced generalities. Those who are, or have had teaching experience might want to stop reading now (yes, I'm talking about you and you) because these days, I am generally not thrilled with teachers and administrative staff within the public school system.

Cam's school performance has gone steadily down hill this year. I haven't shared much of this on the blog, primarily because I feel a huge and overwhelming responsibility for where he is right now and honestly, I wasn't sure that I could deal with the input from all of you. Not that comments left here are malicious, but I also know that I ask for your honest thoughts, and sometimes I'm just not ready to hear those things. No guts, no glory ...

So, back to the story. Since sharing with the school that Cam now has an ADD diagnosis, and that I was considering medication, I have been BOMBARDED with negative input from teachers and staff. Seldom does a day go by where I do not receive an email or a phone call telling me how disruptive Cam is - how his behavior negatively impacts the "other" students - how he isn't doing what he should be doing - how he doesn't care how his actions impact others. What do I hear? Blah, blah, blah - Cam is bad - blah, blah, blah - you are a shitty parent - blah, blah, blah - if I had my way Cam would never step foot in my class again. No, technically that's not what they are saying, but given the sudden influx of negativity (mind you, they don't even try to say anything positive any more) it is what I hear and what I feel.

The latest was his band director. Cam has a holiday concert tomorrow. As far as I know, things have been going satisfactory in band. I haven't heard a peep from the band director other than a reminder when Cam needs reeds. Yesterday I receive this email from her:

I have been having a particularly difficult time with Cameron, yesterday and today being the worst. There are never any times when he is in rehearsal and actually rehearsing. He spends a majority of his time talking out of turn, laughing at things when he should be playing and causing a general disruption. I am concerned about his behavior for the concert on Thursday night. He cannot and does not want to behave and participate in class in a way that contributes to the success of the group. He is constantly being a disruption and I am not able to run the rehearsals in a way that makes the band better. Please discuss his behavior in class with him tonight. I would like a decision tomorrow from you regarding his participation in Thursday's concert and his continued behavior in class. I am not able to sit with him and keep him with me the entire night that we are at the HS for this performance. I am concerned that he will not be able to handle the situation and will be causing disruptions when he should be getting ready for a performance. I am very serious about the performance levels of each of my groups, Cam's constant disruptions are causing problems within the band. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me. Cam is aware that I am emailing you as rehearsal today had to be stopped multiple times to ask him to stop.


Now, I do understand and appreciate that this is a HUGE issue for the band and for the director, but why am I hearing about it just 48 hours before the biggest concert of the year? I did a very bad thing. I replied to this email out of frustration and anger ... and then hit send:

I share in your frustration, but I do not believe that he "does not want to behave and participate in class in a way that contributes to the success of the group." I cannot imagine that his motivation in being disruptive is to impede the performance of the group as a whole, however I can understand that it might feel that way at times.

I'm at a bit of a loss regarding your ultimatum. I have every intention of discussing Cam's behavior with him, however, the statement, "I would like a decision tomorrow from you regarding his participation in Thursday's concert and his continued behavior in class" confuses me. What are you saying? That he cannot participate in the concert? That it is my decision as to whether he participates? That you'd rather he not participate? Please explain.

Look, we are ALL at our wits end with this. I am doing all that I can on the home front to secure progress in Cam's behavior. I am in the process of having him placed on meds for his ADD diagnosis - something that doesn't sit well with me but something that I feel pressured (from the public school system generally) to do.

You tell me what you want in regards to the performance as it really doesn't matter much anymore how I feel or how any of this impacts Cam - the concern is for everyone else - the ease of instructional time - the impact on the "good" kids. I get it.

Yeah ... I sent it. Those last two paragraphs could have been written a little more objectively, and I wasn't surprised when I got this response from the band director:

After yesterdays situation in band with misbehavior, I asked Cam to put the oboe away. He was asked to write a letter of apology to the band for his inability to stop disrupting the class. Dana, these are not little disruptions, they are loud, talk really loud out of turn, distractions. His letter of apology was supposed to be to me this morning, at the start of band I still did not have it. I had him go sit in the office and write it and when he did, he was able to return. He then read it to the class and apologized. This apology, I believe, meant nothing to Cam. It was just a way to get me off his back. His behavior did not change one bit. I cannot move him anywhere in the class where he does not cause a distraction. We are trying to prepare for a concert, and he will not stop talking and such to enable 1. me to run a rehearsal, and 2. allowing the class to play without disruption. On Thursday night for the concert,I need help with the supervision of Cam during the time he will be back stage in the warm up room. I will also need help with this when the band is done performing and they become the audience. Cam can sit with you, or you can sit with him with the band. I want him to perform. But I will need your assistance with his supervision. This has everything to do with his being part of the full group, being a contributing member of the band and being one of the "good kids". He is capable of doing this, he just does not see the seriousness of what we are trying to do in preparing for a concert, nor does he seem to want to stop his behavior. Nothing I say to Cam seems to get him to want to make things better and there have been several conversations, one on one, to discuss this. I am more than willing to have him at the concert, but you need to understand that my concern does lie with the entire group, of which he is a part of if he chooses to display proper behavior for a performance and audience.


She cleared up the ultimatum, didn't she? So, now the question is what will I do? I've decided to leave it up to Cam. I will play by the band director's rules. I understand Cam's impact on the success of the band and on that of the band director. Her points are valid. That said, I will not be surprised if Cam refuses to participate under these conditions. Can you imagine? Being the kid who's mom has to be in the warm-up room and then has the audacity to sit with the band?

I know ... accountability ... but damn it would have been nice if I'd have been brought into the loop on this one more than 48 hours before the performance.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

37 comments:

Brandi said...

Wow, this all totally sucks. I don't have anything helpful to say but I will agree that it is incredibly frustrating to be brought into the loop on a problem at the very last minute. I'm sorry it happened like this and I hope it works out for you.

Hubman said...

If I were you, I would be going ape-shit crazy if I was told my kid has been a constant disruption all year long and this is the first I'm hearing of it.

Sounds to me like the school system is doing NOTHING to help him.

((huggs))

M said...

I don't think I can offer advice seeing as I've never been in this situation. There are too many questions for me to form an opinion.

I do somewhat sympathize with the teacher because if it's band, I'm guessing she's got at least 50-60 students in his group and probably has a couple similar numbered groups. Yes, she should've called sooner but she could have been hoping that she could get through to him without calling you and making him hate her. Kids don't like teachers that call their parents.

I feel so bad that you're in this situation. These are huge decisions you're having to make.

Is there any option of changing schools? I know some kids thrive in a smaller school setting. I'm just guessing that he's in a fairly large school. Maybe he craves personal attention and isn't getting it there due to the large number of students.

Okay, and I'm just going to say it. Is he acting up in band because he doesn't want to be there? I don't know what it's like where you live but if a boy around here played the oboe in band, that's just asking for relentless teasing. Is he trying to prove somehow that he's tough or cool because he can disrupt the band??

Just some thoughts, ignore if you will :)

Hugs to ya too!

g-man said...

Yeah the short notice rubs me the wrong way too. Especially if as she said she has discussions with him and then noting changed, wtf over?

Strength darlin'. Hugs.

Dana said...

NYDiva, it will work out - one way or another - but a little bit of a heads up would have been nice!

Hubman, I was aware of issues in other classes, but I had no reason to believe that there was anything going on in band. In fact, I was thrilled that there was at least one class where he was being successful. Clearly I was wrong.

M, there is MUCH more to the story and I'm not surprised you have more questions than advice - I do too!

I understand the band director's concerns. Really. My issue isn't that she has these valid concerns, but that she waited until 48 hours before a performance to address the seriousness of them. There is little that I can do at this point other than meet her demands, assuming Cam wants to participate.

Changing schools may be an option once an IEP is back in place, but currently it isn't even on the radar.

Music has always been Cam's love. He actually doesn't get grief for playing the oboe (surprisingly enough). I think there is a lot going on with him - some of the issues specific to the school environment and many more specific to the home environment.

And I carry a HUGE amount of guilt for being the parent of that kid - the one teachers talk about in the lounge - the one no one wants in their class. I've let my son down.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I have dogs...which ultimately gives me no insight into children.

So, I'll just send you a big, long bear hug.

(((((((((((hug))))))))))))

Another Suburban Mom said...

I feel your pain. I had issues with DB's teacher last year who was convinved he had ADD or Asperbergers.

Perhaps with the medication he can also attend therapy which may help get to the root of his issues.

None of this is because you are a bad parent. Cam is just going through a rough patch.

Honestly, I bet that the surging hormones of puberty combined with the evilness that is middle school is more to blame for his issues than anything.

Anonymous said...

Like you, while I can certainly understand the director's concerns, the requirement for Cam to get to play wouldn't sit well with any kid.

She knows this...

Whatever you and Cam choose, Dana....good luck

buffalodick said...

My son was ADD. Has your son ever even tried Ritalin, or drugs similar? It helped our son- I didn't really care if it helped the teachers, but it was the right decision for my son. He was only on it for awhile, but it changed the direction he took- all for the better. For what it's worth. Good Luck...

Knight said...

I know that this is only part of the story but it seems to me that maybe the teacher does like Cam and most of the year she doesn't take disruptions too seriously because it can be handled. My guess is that the pressure of the upcoming concert let her tolerance get pushed over the edge and that is why you are hearing about it right before the performance. It doesn't sound like Cam is a bad kid. He is just acting out for some reason. He is lucky to have a mom concerned enough to help him find a way through it.

Jormengrund said...

Dana:

I can completely relate to this.

My oldest son is going through Junior High as well. When he was younger, I had teachers who swore that he was ADD, and was a constant disruption to the class, as well as to the school. Refusing to make a huge deal out of the situation, I did what was recommended by the school psychiatrist, and medicated him with Ritalin, which didn't work, then with Concerta. During his Concerta medication times, he became even worse, and the side effect that put a complete stop to his medicating was when he started screaming at the voices in his head. Yeah. Paranoid Delusion.
It. Freaked. Me. Out.
Now? He can do the work. He's shown it. The problem is that teachers now expect to have each and every student act exactly like the next kid, and not have to deal with any problems or interruptions. They've gotten LAZY. I won't hear about problems with his classroom behavior until progress reports, parent/teacher conferences, or report cards come out. By then? It's too little, too late. I've yelled, I've screamed, and I've grounded. I've negotiated, I've bribed, I've cajoled, and I've arbitrated. The major problem in all of this? The school faculty who won't work together to help me get my son to learn.
Funny, but I thought that being a teacher meant that you taught a kid. You didn't label them, then proceed to ignore their needs because they don't fit in with the rest of the "cookie cutter kids" in your classes.
If you need some place to vent, feel free to drop me an email, I'll talk with you!

cat said...

I knowing more then I care to about this very difficult condition. I have a nephew who has HADD.

From what I have read about Cam is pretty much what we (my husband, brother-inlaw and myself)went through with Austin. I did so much research on the issue and felt the same as you regarding Medication. Austin was suffering and so was everyone else around him.

He could not quit talking and being disruptive in any social gathering whether it be at school or at the community pool. Then he became so frustrated that he started to be abusive to others including myself. That was when I knew I had to do something before he would do something we couldn't take back.

I took him to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis, Indiana. We met with a wonderful Doctor who only practices on this condition.

Austin started therapy and Med's and since has become the child I knew he always was. He has had his moments when the meds weren't working as well and then we take him back for a adjustment.

There is a fix to this problem I promise. People don't understand that these kids do not have the same "Repulse" that you and I have and they (most of the time) don't relize that they are acting out.....they think they are being like everyone else.

Now that Austin has been able to see more clearly, I asked him to watch a DVD we had from last Christmas, just to see if he noticed how disruptive he was. He did and he mentioned how loud he was talking on the DVD and had to be in every picture and throwing stuff the whole time we where filming Christmas. I found this really interesting so I kept asking him questions Like: "how did you feel when you were doing that stuff" he said he felt like knowone liked him and they were picking on him when they would yell at him for throwing stuff or talking to loud. He said he never noticed that he was so loud and disruptive, he just thought his teachers and friends where being mean to him.

This broke my heart and I know how you feel, but please know that there is help. A lot of people are so judgemental about the medication and treatment of this condition, but unless you have walked in our shoes, don't judge.

I'm here if you need to talk off line or need some information. I know how you feel babe, hang in there .

Jay said...

Teachers, coaches, everyone else does this all the time. They let things fester for so long until they finally "snap" and say or do something. And it always ends up being a last minute thing. I can understand that maybe she thought she could handle it, or whatever, and that she does have an obligation to everyone else in the band, but she really should have been on top of this and in communication with you earlier.

Anndi said...

I'm not sure how to comment about this. I can be sympathetic and say the school and the teachers suck. But I doubt that's really constructive or helpful.

I think you need a face to face discussion (not e-mails) with the band director to understand WHY she didn't voice her issues sooner.
I also am unclear about why you assumed things were perfectly fine in band if he's had issues everywhere else.

I'm assuming medication is planned as a part of an overall treatment plan, much like insulin is only a part of the treatment for diabetes.

Medication doesn't have to be permanent, but it might help get things under control. I don't judge people with depression who chose to complement their therapy with anti-depressants. Who knows what will come of the evaluations we'll be undergoing in January for my daughter, but if I'm going to help her, I'll have to listen and educate myself and let her know what the expectations are but that I'm willing to do everything that can be done to help.

You've been a constant advocate for your son, but there's nothing wrong with recognizing you can't make it all better all by yourself.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

okay....well as a teacher, and mind you most of my experience lies with high schoolers.....parents are hardly ever involved....but last year I had my first (and only) experience in the middle school....OMFG!!!!

I will not excuse the band director's timing, but I do know that as a teacher, you want so badly to be able to handle things on your own (administrators expect it of us) without parental involvement. She definitely should have contacted you much sooner than she did....that was her responsibility.

I appreciate Dana that you are willing to work with the school....I had parents who I would call in for disciplinary problems, had fingers pointed in my face and told that I was just picking on their child because I didn't like them!!! There is no where to go from there.

Hang in there....I do know that you have to be your child's advocate....the schools are overwhelmed with too many students and too many problems. There are many caring well-intentioned teachers out there but they too get overwhelmed and need a nudge every once and a while from mom and dad. Don't give up!

captain corky said...

Pretty shitty of her to wait so long to notify you. Are there support groups available for you and Cam? I think that would could help. Hang in there Dana, and know that if you ever need to chat about stuff you can always email me too.

Anonymous said...

Well, I have no real advice. I'm not a parent of a teenager (wait, pre-teen? I forget how old he is) or a boy even so I have no background from which to speak.

I just wanted to say I can empathize with your situation. Just reading this made me feel sad and stressed and frazzled for you. :(

I hope you come to a resolution with all this mess.

Lu' said...

I can't really relate except to the short notice and that is inexcuseable. From the way she describes it she is at her wits end. Maybe she should have gotten with you while she still had wit left.

M said...

Oh honey, there are many many "that" kids. He may have disruption issues but it sounds like even the teachers agree he's not trying to be malicious. That's a start right there.

Hang in there!!

we're doomed said...

I hope the medication works for Cam. I think we over medicate kids who are just being kids. You may be used to behavior from Cam, that others are not used to. I hope that you can work through this issue. I think band and the ability to play an instrument are going to be important for Cam. Hang on.... and good luck to you.

Karen said...

I am so sorry, Dana. I am new to the teaching gig and I don't have any children of my own, so I don't have any words of wisdom for you. You clearly should have been informed earlier. There is no question about that.

Teachers do not expect every child to be the same (as one commenter said). But we do - or at least I do - expect every child to be respectful and teachable.

I have a boy with Downs Sydrome in one of my classes. I didn't want to post about him on my blog because I felt it some sort of personal violation, but I doubt they will find me here. He is clearly not teachable in the same way that other students are, but he is able to follow the class rules and he does learn what he capable of learning.

It seems Cam has a disconnect in either the respect side or the capable side. Both lead to behavior outbursts. I hope the meds work or you figure out some solution. I know guilt is a common reaction for parents, but you are a good mother. You are addressing the issues and being proactive for you son.

rage said...

Okay and why was this brought to your attention (the band part) only 48 hours before the performance?

Like Hubman said, I'd be going Apeshit crazy.

Sending big hugs your way.

snugs said...

You've gotten some really great feedback on this post. It is interesting that this is the first you've heard of the problems in band but as someone already said, if he is having this much trouble at school this year, it is not really a suprise. I agree that maybe the teacher was just trying to handle it herself. Cam is not bad, he may be displaying bad behavior, but he is not bad. It sounds like he is looking for attention and does not care if it is good or bad. But not knowing the full story that is just a guess thinking about how he is not getting attention at home from the father figure. You said he has been going downhill all year, grades too or just behavior- I suspect his grades would be suffering too? He probably could benefit from some individual counseling, is that something you would consider? Tough spot to be in, good luck-sounds like Cam and the teacher will both benefit from the upcoming holiday break.

Brian Gardes said...

Yeah. I know you were looking at me when you said "you and you." but I read anyway ;)

"This apology, I believe, meant nothing to Cam. It was just a way to get me off his back."
No shit, Sherlock. Did you really think that a forced apology would do anything but make the child dislike you?

band teachers are really difficult to deal with. Believe me. I know. The fact that you got this notice 48 hours before hand sucks and was completely unprofessional.

Your response (other than the last 2 paragraphs ;P ) was just fine. You had every right to be angry that you had not been brought in to the loop about this ongoing problem until it had reached a crisis point.

Cam may not participate in the concert. It will be his choice. If he does, he will be miserable. If he doesn't well, he may or may not be. I don't know what his commitment to music is. What a lousy way to start the winter break!

Hang in there!

Brian Gardes said...

Oh wait. I forgot. He is a: a boy and b: in Middle school. A lot of this can be chalked up to that as well. I have plenty of formerly "normal" and "good" kids who are currently disruptive.

Volly said...

Dana,

I've recently gained a bit of insight from, of all people, my boss. I can't honestly say she's the boss from hell, but she apparently owns vacation property there. She knows exactly how to ruin my day and make me feel like raw sewage, but she's transparent enough that I can make a direct correlation between her intermittent venom and "bad times on the home front."

This is by way of saying, part of the reason for the negativity bombardment you're getting is undoubtedly the environment the teachers are awash in right now. Not only is the economy going straight to Roto-Rooter Land, but it's the holidays. Finals, report cards, holiday stress of not being paid adequately to support their own families, and then the kids are feeling it and acting up as well. A band concert, where the director knows intellectually that the parents will be there to see their kids, but also feeling directly responsible if it doesn't sound like the Cleveland Symphony.

I sincerely believe things will be much more mellow after the beginning of '09, because it will be a new marking period; a new year, the holiday stress will be gone ... and ... the meds will perhaps have begun to show some positive effects.

I hope they do, for you & Cam (((hugs))). Meanwhile, you know you're doing the best you can, and this too shall pass. Try to enjoy these blasted holidays.

/v

Vixen said...

One big UGH.

I think everyone involved is in a difficult situation. But of course the greatest impact is falling on your shoulders.

The biggest beef I would have is that the band teacher waited 48 hours before such a *HUGE* performance to bring this up with you. Not much you can do about that now though.... But as someone else pointed out, it does seem the teacher shows genuine interest in having Cam perform.

*hugs*

Dana said...

g-man, I expect a lack of communication in my home, but from the school? It seems those who complain about a lack of parental involvement should involve the parents!

RLL, could you squeeze just a bit tighter next time? *wink*

ASM, We've been doing the family therapy for about a year now and Cam gets his very own therapist after the new year!

Dana said...

Slick, I think her first email was just as emotional as my response!

Buff, Concerta is similar to Ritalin, and will be started Saturday!

Knight, me thinks full-on puberty is playing a role in this as well.

Dana said...

Jormengrund, you might be sorry you made that offer ...

Cat, I am judgmental about the medication for ADD. It's hard to know when you've tried everything else ...

Jay, the communication continues to be a HUGE issue with the school. I understand that they have many students, but when there is a problem, and a parent willing to work with you, it seems communication would be a no-brainer.

Dana said...

Anndi, music is Cam's passion. As such, it didn't seem odd to me that he would be engaged and productive in that particular class, even if all the others were a mess. I see medication as just one tool that will (hopefully) allow Cam and I the opportunity to work on the stuff he needs to work on to be successful in school.

Breve, I'm usually a bit more objective in my communications than I was yesterday, but I do find the lack of communication extremely frustrating.

Corky, we are exploring some additional resources in the community. It's part of my "long term" plan!

Volly said...

I couldn't agree more about your comment that the schools are CONSTANTLY harping on parental involvement, while keeping parents in the dark about things that matter. I suspect (from my son's high school days in the increasingly dim past) that "parental involvement" means "please come work in the office and do filing so we don't have to."

Dana said...

FF, I hope that your experience with the public school system (should you decide to go that route) is far better than mine!

Lu, and that was really my issue. What am I supposed to make happen in 48 hours?

M, but I don't want one of those kids!

Dana said...

Doomed, that is my concern - that medicating Cam is nothing more than bowing down to the pressure of the public school system. He's a 12 year old boy - am I medicating him to be more like a 12 year old girl?

Karen, you won't be teaching middle school, right? Let's hope not because you might very well have some issues with that "respect" component.

Rage, because communication is seriously lacking? Because she was frustrated and wanted to vent? Who knows.

Jeff B said...

I think the teacher's points of concern would have been much better told by way of a personal phone call. It's so easy to write a statement one way and to have it interpreted another by the reader.

Certainly timing is a critical issue to this too. Perhaps that phone call a month or two weeks ago with a "I'm having some concerns with Cam, what can WE do together to make it better?" would have been much more constructive.

Have you or are you able to sit in on any of his practices? Sometimes seeing things with your own eyes can enlighten you to behaviors that you otherwise wouldn't see.

Another option, Is there anyone who you trust to be completely honest with you that could sit in on a practice and give you feedback. If you're there, he may behave a certain way for your benefit, if it's someone who isn't as close to him, he may (or may not) act differently.

tt said...

I feel ya sister...truely.
I only wish someone HAD insisted that our son be put on medication. Everyone kept telling us his problems were normal teenage angst...seriously! He wasn't too terribly disruptive...BUT...he struggled with everything!! No social skills, wouldn't do his work at home or school..oddly enough, the only interest he did have was band. ;) he played drums.
Anywho...now, at the ripe old age of 30 he's been placed on
ADD meds and has changed completely!! It's like night and day. He noticed his daughter was acting out...I mentioned she acts just like he did...it scared him.So, for her, so he went to a Dr....got the ADD diagnoses got the meds...and also sees a councelor for weekly sessions. They were able to help his daughter too. Genetics...some are good some are a challenge.
All I know is I wish he had been on meds way back.....it takes a while to get the proper dose but when that happens...great things happen.
Good luck babe!
And btw...you ARE a good Mom...don't ever doubt that...guilt is what drives some of us ya know....hopefully your burden will lighten later on :)

Unknown said...

My God. If I didn't know better, I would think this was ME writing about MY youngest son when he was in school. When I took him off the Ritalin, I started receiving calls from the teachers about his "behaviour" and could I PLEASE put him back on his medication. At that time, I don't think there many alternatives, and I feel it stunted his growth (he shot up to over 6 feet in two years after being the smallest in his class).

I wish you well Dana. It's hard on the parents, the class, and the teachers, but it's also hard on the child. My son would cry on the medication and then KNOW he was acting up when he was off, but he just couldn't help it.