Unfinished Business - Part I

I have a habit of starting blog posts when I'm experiencing a moment of passion (intellectual passion, you perverts), but then never quite getting around to writing out the post. My DRAFT folder has a lot of unfinished business.

Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing with you the posts from 2013 that were started, but never finished.

School Is Not For Boys

This was the start of a "How did we let society swing so far that it's become okay for girls/females to emasculate boys?" post. Schools - especially - have become completely boy unfriendly, from kindergarten through high school.

Then I thought ... I've got 7 months of this left. Is it worth expressing my outrage? Does anyone really care? Or will this post just turn into a place for the disgruntled ones to tell me that schools are not the problem, my kid is the problem?

Some days I feel it's important to give this issue a voice. Other days I'm so damn tired of fighting a bureaucracy that I will never be able to change that I just say "Fuck it! Let the parents of kindergartners figure it out!"

I don't know which stance is right, but if you are interested in reading some of the articles I had planned to use as references, here are the links:

From PBS Parents - Raising Boys

From The Atlantic - Stop Penalizing Boys for Not Being Able to Sit Still at School

From Time Magazine - School Has Become Too Hostile to Boys

After The Secret

I've been kind of tight-lipped when it comes to Cam these days, mostly because I'm a bit ashamed of what has been going on. I cannot seem to let go of feeling ultra responsible for everything he does - of getting stuck in the "bad parents raise bad kids" loop.

I'm also leery of being judged here. Not because I don't deserve it, but because I already judge myself so harshly. I'm not sure that opening things up here and inviting more criticism is in my best interest emotionally.

That said, Sunday's secret needs a little splainin' ...

Back in May, at the very end of the school year, Cam and another student were involved in an altercation. Cam was not the instigator, but he was a participant.

Like many schools, our high school has a School Resource Officer (SRO) who works full-time at the school. In theory, the main goal of the SRO is to prevent juvenile delinquency by promoting positive relations between youth and law enforcement.

In practice, the SRO at Cam's high school has done little more than reinforce the idea that cops are assholes just looking for an opportunity to show how small their penis is be the tough guy on campus.

In addition to being suspended for 3-days, Cam was charged with Disorderly Conduct (about 100 of these charges are handed out by the SRO each school year in a school that has about 600 students).

As it was a first offense, Cam's case bypassed the court and was handled by a probation officer. It took a few months for Cam's case to be processed, but in August, he was given 6-months probation for the offense, the only stipulations of his probation being that he go to school and keep out of trouble. There was no credit for "time served", leaving his probation in effect until mid February.

December 13th, Cam was involved in what I can only describe as a territorial (lunch room) pissing match between two 16-year old friends that lasted all of 7 seconds (I watched the video) and did NOT result in injury to either of them. It was something that, had it happened on the football field instead of the lunch room, would have been encouraged.

That event turned into a 4-day suspension (during review week for finals), and the SRO filed Battery and Disorderly Conducted charges against Cam. Because Cam was on probation, the county has referred his case to the State's Attorney for prosecution.

If that wasn't bad enough, the school is now doing everything within their power to remove Cam from the school and place him in a self-contained behavior disorder program even though this was NOT an expellable offense.

Bottom line? I don't know what is going to happen. I've contacted an attorney for the criminal charges, and am looking for an attorney for the educational issues (does anyone know an education attorney willing to work Pro Bono?), but I just don't know how things will turn out.

We have a meeting with the school on Monday, January 7th to address the educational side of things - a meeting that will likely be postponed because the school seems to think they don't have to follow Federal Regulations that require Prior Written Notice for placement decisions.

I should hear from the State's Attorney's office within the next couple of weeks with a court date.

This has put a bit of a damper on the holiday season.

Instead of buying a ton of gifts, or spending my Christmas money on myself, money went into my savings account to cover Cam's likely legal fees.

Unless the charges are dropped.

I'm not counting on that.

Screwy Hammer

Photo Credit

I have yet another meeting with Cam's school today - this one, his trieneal determination of special education eligibility.

The administration tipped their hand this time. They are usually tight-lipped - preferring to attack from the blindside - hoping parents don't have the sense to stop the plan they put in place long before you ever enter the meeting room.

They want to outplace Cam.

I will fight this. 

Past experience indicates outplacement is not the educational solution for Cam.

Past experience indicates that outplacement is socially and emotionally harmful to Cam.

As fate would have it, I came across Jeff Hunter's blog, Talentism, today. Reading his 2007 post titled My Son Won't Do His Homework gave me the push I needed to fight one more fight. He writes:

But school doesn’t care, because school does not have the objective of helping my son produce the maximum amount of value in the future that he will probably encounter. School cares about ensuring that he knows how to take tests, follow directions and can do math that he will never have to care about for the rest of his life. School cares that he can either prove that he is worthy of being in the top 5% that will go on to be homogenized and brainwashed in a top-notch school so that they are almost completely without originality of thought or perspective or that he gets the hell out of the way for those kids that meet that description. School cares that he can be measured and managed, so that he will be a good little cog in a habitual big wheel.

What he says is true. You can argue with me all that you want and it will still be true.

This isn't because teachers are bad.

It is because the public school system is broken.

Shattered even.

I'm going into this meeting to fight one more fight. 

I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure outplacement does not happen, even if that means declining special education services.

IEPs are supposed to be the equalizer in education. For Cam, the IEP has been used as a tool to segregate and exclude.

I can't keep giving the school a hammer and expecting them to tighten screws with it.

I'm going to take the hammer back.

You say Non-Compliant and Defiant Like They Are Bad Things!

I've been putting off writing about this.

Fearing judgment.

Knowing that a few years ago - before having the life experiences I now have - I'd have been critical of a parent telling this story.

Wondering if I could take the public criticism I've convinced myself I deserve.

Cam is struggling - really struggling - in and with school.

At midterm, he is failing all of his core academic classes. He is refusing to do work in class. He is challenging school authority.

Thursday, Cam was suspended for two days. This is not the first time this year he has been suspended.

He is ... non-compliant ... and defiant ...

These are hallmark behaviors of kids on the autism spectrum and with ADD, but this administration, rather than look at the MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED, underlying neurological differences that lead Cam down the non-compliant path, has decided non-compliant will be the reason they are excused from insuring Cam succeeds in school. After all, they can give their best efforts towards Cam's success, but if he is non-compliant, it's not their fault he is failing, right?

If he'd just comply, he'd be successful! His IQ is in the 98th percentile. He obviously has the ability to comply, he just chooses not to. This isn't the school failing Cam, it's Cam failing in school, right??

I mean, if he were truly disabled, we'd be able to see it! His eyes would look funny, or he'd have some sort of nervous tic, or he'd be medicated, right?? That neurological stuff is just an excuse for piss-poor parenting!

*sigh*

This fall, his entire special education support staff changed ... again. 

He has a new case manager - an itty-bitty twenty-something who is a recent graduate and new to the school. She's done little more than try to prove that Cam is a difficult, off-task student (already a given), and claim that she feels intimidated by him when he doesn't comply.

There is a new Education Service Specialist for the high school - an administrator who comes with years of experience and seems to walk the very fine line between pleasing the administrators, and ensuring the minimum federal requirements for special education are met, while placing the oneness of performance squarely on Cam's shoulders, and Cam is not complying.

There is also a new school psychologist. Another twenty-something, recent graduate hipster, with scary eyebrows, who is new to the school. This year is Cam's triennial review for eligibility, so she is fully entrenched in the let-me-prove-myself-by-administering-a-battery-of-tests mindset, even though at Cam's age, any changes in those tests are statistically insignificant. But Cam has no interest in complying with another battery of tests that do nothing for him.

We are, for the 11th year, starting Cam's education plan from scratch. The newest batch of we-can-save-the-children blowhards are convinced they know better than the last batch of we-can-save-the-children blowhards, and they can force Cam to comply, not with incentives, but with punishment; removing him from classes he is already failing, requiring he work for the janitor after school for an hour to serve detention, threatening to take his parking pass away from him.

None of these things is horrific or unreasonable for most kids, but for Cam? The alpha-male, you will do it because I tell you to whether it is logical or not stance results in further non-compliance and defiance. Not only is this another hallmark behavior of kids on the spectrum, but we have TEN YEARS of public school discipline data showing that this type of behavior modification has had a ZERO success rate with Cam.

Yet they continue to do it, all the while expecting different results.

They have had success in one area though. They've succeeded in turning Cam completely against school - pushing him to his breaking point - he is now refusing to attend school at all.

To say I am at my wits end would be an understatement.

To say I am exhausted - emotionally and physically - would be an understatement.

I have given up all hope of Cam being successful in the public school system. 

There is no fight left in this dog.

Ten years of trying to (unsuccessfully) get my son the education he is guaranteed by Federal Law, has pushed me to my breaking point.

Last week, I gave the Dean of Students at the high school a verbal lashing (that is putting it mildly) and then sent a written request to the Principal of the high school that the Dean of Students have NO CONTACT with Cam as the Dean refuses to implement the Behavior Intervention Plan currently in place, opting for what has become adversarial treatment of Cam (at best), bordering on bullying.

I have yet another meeting at the school tomorrow morning at 7:30. This time, instead of the entire IEP team attending (which has been counterproductive), it will be only the school Social Worker, the Education Service Specialist for the high school, me, and possibly the advocate I have been working with this year (if she is available).

We will discuss what options are available for Cam.

I'm considering a combination of public school (for arts, physical education, elective, and one academic class) and home-schooling (on-line curriculum provided at the district's expense) of the remaining core academic classes as possibly our (mine and Cam's) best solution.

We'll see if the meeting tomorrow generates any better ideas.

I'm not the least bit hopeful.

Negative Nancy Strikes Again!

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GAH!! No! Seriously! GAH!!

Cam starts school tomorrow. I am more nervous this year than I have been any other year. I want him to be successful. I want to know that pushing for his placement in the therapeutic day school was the right move. I want him to find just a little joy in learning. I want him to have transportation to school ...

What? That's right! Less than 24 hours before school starts and he still has no transportation.

This was one of my greatest concerns when the district "embraced" Cam's placement back in May. I was assured transportation would be provided (the school is a good 60 minute trip from Podunk). Based on experience, the word of the school district meant very little to me.

When Cam and I went to the intake/orientation meeting at the therapeutic day school on July 21st, I expressed my concerns regarding transportation. The therapeutic day school made a phone call to the district and let me know that I should hear something within two weeks, and if I didn't, I should contact the district special education office.

I heard nothing.

On August August 12th (three weeks later), I emailed the director of special education for the district. She claimed she "didn’t receive a call," that the therapeutic day school "would have called the office secretary to set that up," and that she would "make sure Lenore gets back to you regarding the transportation schedule for Cam."

I did get a call from Lenore. She explained it was just a 24-hour process and I would have transportation information by the end of the day Friday, August 13th.

On August 19th, after hearing nothing, I called Lenore again. She told me I have a new contact - Patty - and transferred my call to her. When I spoke with Patty she told me I would have transportation information by the close of business on August 20th.

Anyone want to guess what happened?

After hearing nothing from anyone at the district, I called again yesterday at about 2PM. I got Patty's voice mail and left a message including my name, my phone number, Cam's full name and my reason for calling. My call was not returned.

The district offices close at 4:30 - at 4:31 I sent another email to the district special education director (copying God and country) explaining my attempts to get information and the complete lack of action on the part of the district. I let her know I'd be showing up on her doorstep this morning and planned on staying until the issue was resolved.

Obviously, the director of special education heard that I am a trained killer. I got an after-hours response from her saying, "I will check into the situation tomorrow morning. Let me see what contacts I can make. It really won’t be necessary to come to central office on the 25th because the transportation is not run from that office. We do the special education transportation out of the PPS office at the High School."

Ha! Sure! Send me to a building far, FAR away from where you work. I get it ...

The special education director went on to say, "I do know that Patty was directed to work on all the schools that started up already and most likely is working with the taxi company on Cam’s transportation now. I will contact you via email tomorrow and Patty will be calling you with the times."

What do you guys think? Should I hold my breath??

I think what irritated me the most about this recent exchange with the special education director was the opening line of her email.

I am very sorry to hear of your communication issues.

Really? My communication issues?? I don't have any communication issues - I've been communicating quite well, assuming communication consists of me following up FOUR times after being told FOUR times that I would receive information on a specific day and hearing nothing.

I've got an idea! How 'bout you step up to the plate and apologize for the fact that your transportation people have clearly dropped the ball? How 'bout you apologize for their lack of communication. You are very sorry to hear of my communication issues??

GAH!! No! Seriously! GAH!!

*UPDATE* I received a call from the area special education director this morning. She assured me a transportation request was submitted at 9AM and that she would call me before she leaves today (4:30pm) She then explained to me how my expectations were unreasonable - that this is the way it's done. That's when I told her it would have been nice had someone explained that to me rather than telling me they'd get back to me the following day just to get me off the phone. *shakes head*

*UPDATE 2* Husband called me at work this morning (asking for favors - no, not sexual favors) and I shared my frustrations with him. He told me to talk to our attorney - to have our attorney call the school district - and that he (husband) would pay for the attorney *gasp*

*UPDATE 3* At 2:15PM I received a phone call from the district detailing Cam's transportation arrangements. If you see a large plume cloud in Illinois at 7:00 AM CDT tomorrow, you'll know the taxi didn't show up.

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Friday Wrap-Up

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We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Not sure what happened this week - I've got tons of ideas for blog posts - just couldn't find the discipline to sit down and put those thoughts together. I'd think it had something to do with Cam returning to school, and attempting to adjust to a new schedule, but he doesn't go back to school until next Wednesday ... maybe ...

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Cam's new school is about an hour away and the district is providing transportation (i.e. taxi service door-to-door). I hadn't heard anything on the transportation schedule so I sent an email to the district explaining my concern.

I received a phone call from Leonore shortly after sending the email. They were putting the order in on Thursday - they would get back to me Friday with the details. I asked who I should call if I didn't hear anything on Friday and got the, "Oh! You'll hear back on Friday. You won't need to follow-up!" Ummm ... yeah ...

Yesterday was the one week mark and I have heard nothing. I called Leonore and suddenly she wasn't the person I needed to talk to - she transfers me to Patty.

Patty insists this isn't a quick process - that Leonore gave me incorrect information a week ago - but that she will have the transportation information for me Friday (today). Anyone want to take any bets??

Accountability seems to be as elusive as the yellow-bellied sap-sucker these days.

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I created chaos at work this week and - for a period of time - thought I might have pushed a little too far.

I am the regional accountant for our western division branches (Northern California, Southern California and Arizona). My AZ branch has always been a thorn in my side. I've got an incompetent bookkeeper there, and a General Manager who has an odd (inappropriate?) relationship with her. She continues to screw up - to negatively impact the success of the western division - and no one will do anything about it.

This has been going on for 3+ years. It came to a head on Tuesday, and resulted in closed door conference calls involving the Controller, the CFO, the VP and the GM in AZ. I was a bit stressed.

True to form, no one has given me any status update, but I do know that my bookkeeper in AZ did exactly what she was supposed to do yesterday, and that was my goal.

What happened to people honoring their word? Doing the right thing rather than the easy thing? Addressing conflict and performance in a direct manner rather than bitching about it behind closed doors and doing nothing?

*shakes head*

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Donations for Boo and her family continue to come in. Thanks again to all of you who have supported her with donations and continued thoughts and prayers.

Just a reminder that Nitebyrd is donating 100% of the proceeds from any/all sales in her Etsy Shop to Boo and her family through 25th.

I am a huge fan of her Designer Upcycle/Recycle Tote Bags. Not only are they adorable, but they are quite practical too!

Clicking on the banner below will take you directly to Nitebyrd's shop

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It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

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School registration. Oh sure, it seems like Cam just finished 8th grade 5 weeks ago (because he did) but today I get to register him for high school ... kind of ...

This year, with Cam attending the Therapeutic Day School, I get to register him for high school twice - today at his "home" school (traditional high school) and next Wednesday at the Therapeutic day school. Could we make this any more cumbersome??

I also get to fill out the SAME registration forms I have filled out for the past 4 years:

- the STUDENT DATA FORM (because Cam's date of birth and place of birth may have changed since last year)

- the RACE AND ETHNICITY IDENTIFICATION FORM (because Cam may have suddenly developed almond shaped eyes and an Asian heritage)

- the HEALTH AND EMERGENCY INFORMATION form (the one form that actually makes sense to update annually)

- the HOME LANGUAGE SURVEY form (because over the summer I may have decided Cam should begin speaking Polish)

- the RESIDENCY AFFIDAVIT (because it makes far more sense to have every student fill this out every year than it does to have only students who have made a change in their residency fill it out)

... and then there are the fees ...

Cam will not be attending classes at his "home" high school, yet I will still be required to pay all of the fees as if he were. Now, before anyone chimes in with "But the district is paying for the Therapeutic Day School" you would be right. I am just hoping there aren't any additional fees I have to come up with there.

Let's take a look at the PUBLIC High School fees first. Are you ready??

HIGH SCHOOL ANNUAL REGISTRATION FEE - $135.00
P.E. SHIRTS - $5.00
P.E. SHORTS - $10.00
P.E. LOCKS - $6.00
ATHLETIC PARTICIPATION PER SPORT (Student cap of 2 High School Sports per school year and or a family cap of 4 High School Sports per school year - No payment plan) - $150.00
DRIVER'S EDUCATION (graduation requirement in IL) - $300.00

HIGH SCHOOL OPTIONAL FEES
PARKING PERMIT - $125.00
PARKING PERMIT (1/2 YEAR) - $70.00
ATHLETIC EVENT PASS - $35.00

And no, the high school fees are not the highest fees a parent might pay.

Want your child to attend a full-day kindergarten program instead of the traditional half day? You'll pay $200/month in addition to the $100 annual registration fee.

Want to go all out and start your student in the 4-year old pre-kindergarten program with before and after school enrichment (10 hour/day program)? That will cost you $900/month in addition to the $90 annual registration fee.

Ummmm ... yeah ...

Those of you with kids in the public school system, are these fees in line with what you are paying?

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One More Day

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Cam has ONE MORE DAY of middle school. I am relieved (to say the least) that we will no longer be required to be part of a school that has mishandled Cam's education on a grand scale.

I cannot begin to describe the anger and frustration I have towards the administrators AND staff who allowed Cam's 3rd grade reading comprehension level to go unnoticed for THREE years, choosing instead to believe Cam's behavior was due to environmental issues outside of the education environment.

To this day, Cam has NEVER been evaluated by the school district for learning disabilities. No, it was my gut feeling that although environmental factors might be contributing to Cam's school issues, they were not the only factor, that eventually gave us a clear picture of what was really going on with Cam.

It was thousands of dollars paid by out by my insurance company to a pediatric neuro-psychiatrist, and a month of countless unpaid work hours to transport Cam to twice weekly appointments that proved Cam had very real neurological issues that were the root cause of his inability to perform to expectations in the educational environment.

I cannot even imagine where Cam would be today - physically and emotionally - had I listened to the educators when my gut told me different. Had I not fought so hard for him on so many occasions. I often wonder what happens to kids like Cam whose parents don't have the financial resources nor the understanding of Special Education law that I have. It hurts my heart to consider it.

In these last few weeks of middle school, I've had to deal with the unfounded accusations of a very spiteful, and hateful, young girl made against Cam. I've had to face - head on - the rumors spread throughout this small, tight-knit community by this young girl, rumors that found their way to my workplace. I've had to stand by and watch this young girl's actions go unpunished, while I fought to give Cam the opportunity to finish out his middle school days with his peers.

I've had to compromise what I knew was right, for what I (and Cam) could live with these final eight days.

I've fought a Principal's attempt to "administratively remove" Cam - without documentation - from the middle school environment because it was easier than addressing the bullying issue of an 8th grade girl whose family is a prominent Podunk fixture.

I've complained endlessly about Cam's school on this blog, but there was one bright spot. A teacher who "got" Cam. A teacher who stepped up to the plate when no one else would and made a positive difference in Cam's life. A teacher I sent the following email to:

Dear Mr. [teacher's name],

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for you for your patience, understanding and dedication to Cam this year. I know that Cam isn't always an easy kid and I wanted you to know that I recognize and value the time you've spent working with him.

It would have been much easier to label him as a troublemaker - constantly battling his weaknesses and ignoring his strengths - but instead, you have dealt with the issues as they arise directly and fairly.

In an environment where Cam continually feels like a failure, you have stepped up not only as a teacher, but as a role model, counselor and confidant. You have become Cam's "safe haven" during a very difficult time. Thank you for all that you have done!

As often as I complain about what isn't right, I also attempt to acknowledge the efforts of someone who goes above and beyond what is expected. I did not anticipate hearing back from this teacher - I just wanted him to know what a difference he made for Cam, yet I received the following response:

I appreciate your email. Your son throughout this entire schoolyear has been nothing but respectful toward me. Although we both know he needs to do the work (one area where I have failed with him), he is always participating in my classroom and has always enjoyed being there. I wish you the best of luck with him next fall. Don't give up. Continue to push him to be his very best. Sometimes that light bulb will turn on in a student when you least expect it. Sometimes something like a new girlfriend or friend will light a fire up a kids butt. Sometimes maturity will do that. As he gets older, he will come to realize just how much his mother has done for him. It took me a long time to figure that out with my mom (I think I was about 21 when I really began to appreciate my mom). I am confident that in the future, all your hard work will pay off. Take care and good luck to you. Thanks again for the email. It does mean a lot to me.

... and I cried ...

I often wonder if advocating for Cam is doing more harm than good. I hear from some of my readers that they believe I am making excuses for him - teaching him there are no consequences for his actions - and I take that feedback in just as I do the feedback from the majority of you who have been supportive of my actions.

It was reassuring to receive validation from an educator who has had contact with Cam the entire school year. The only educator who took the time to allow Cam to be Cam and worked within that framework rather than insisting that if Cam "just tried harder" he'd fit that elusive neuro-typical mold.

One more day ...

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Friday Wrap-Up

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It's been a while since I've done one of these. These past few weeks have been full of BIG things to blog about ... even on Fridays.

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I'm considering a road trip this weekend. Long story short, what was supposed to be husband doing front/rear brake job on the Cavalier (no, that is NOT a sexual euphemism) turned into a frustrated tantrum ending in a severed brake line and a rental car for me for the week ... at husbands expense. I've got a car that I am comfortable taking on, say, a 300-400 mile trip and I've got a 3-day weekend ahead of me.

Anyone have a spare couch or floor space for three? Oh! I didn't mention Cam and "Rhonda" will be with me? Yeah ... maybe we'll just stay home.

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While getting my hair cut Wednesday, my stylist - whose brother owns the local tavern here in town - told me he was looking for a part-time bookkeeper. This would be a few hours a week - something I could do whiles sitting at the bar getting schnockered at home on the weekends - and it would give me enough pocket cash that I wouldn't have choose between going to the laundromat or going to the grocery store. Keeping my fingers crossed.

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Cam and I have a meeting at the school this morning - a meeting we shouldn't be having. I think many of you would be surprised at the depth of the bullying issue and the blatant favoritism in the treatment of the girls. This is the stuff news reports and lawsuits are made of ... and I'm really starting to lean that direction.

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The most exciting news of the week?? I got a new phone! It's not an iPhone or a DROID. It doesn't even have a touch screen. But it was was the phone to have ... about two years ago! AND!! AND!! It has a QWERTY keyboard.

Look, I've been using a standard numerical keypad for texting for the past 2 years. Do you have any idea how long it takes to punch in grammatically correct sentences ('cause I refuse to use that text speak crap) when you are working with only 10 keys??

This is an exciting moment for me. The phone did require a $9.99/month data plan. I wish I had a clue what data I get for $9.99! I think I need a phone tutor. Any former LG enV3 owners out there willing to help me find a use for my data package??

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Therapeutic Day School

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Those three words have turned my world upside down. They bring to mind images of those kids - the ones so out of control that therapeutic day school is just one step away from a stint in a juvenile detention center. They bring to mind images of those parents - the ones who have not loved and nurtured their kids the way they should have, resulting in broken kids.

Cam will be attending a private, therapeutic day school at his school district's expense in the fall. His high school education will look very different from the one I had imagined. Although he will still be enrolled in the local high school - in theory able to participate in high school sports and extra-curricular activities associated with that high school - he will attend classes in what is called an interim alternative educational setting.

There will be no band camp this summer. No marching band in the fall. We'll be absent from freshman orientation and that automotive engines elective class that Cam had such interest in will be replaced by group therapy.

Cam will attend classes from 8:30am to 2:30pm, but will be away from home from 7:00am until 4:00pm due to a lengthy commute to the school. He will receive a High School Curriculum that parallels the basic offerings of his local high school. In addition to "regular" school, he will also receive related services, including Occupational Therapy, Art Therapy, Extended Day, Psychiatric and Psychological Consultation and School Health Services.

This is a school that uses a cognitive-behavioral/problem-solving approach and narrative principles to help students overcome problems at hand, practice more successful behavioral alternatives and explore ways to “re-write” their frequently negative life stories. They work with students to build on their strengths and gifts, and fight with them against their weaknesses and obstacles. The environment is based in a positive nurturing model where “natural consequences” for behaviors are frequently utilized. They avoid using restrictive and punitive methods of behavioral management and they do not have a time-out room.

This isn't a permanent placement, but rather a placement until Cam is ready and able to return to a less restrictive learning environment.

I should be thrilled. There are parents who have been fighting for years to get their children in a placement like this. There are parents who have taken out second mortgages on their homes to pay for this type of placement for their kids when their school districts have refused. There are kids who never get this opportunity because their parents don't care.

Yes, I should be thrilled, and on many levels I am, but once again I struggle between the conflict of what I know (that this placement is an amazing opportunity for Cam) and what I feel (that this placement magnifies everything I've done wrong as a parent and I am responsible for Cam "losing out" on traditional high school), and what I feel is winning ... and beating me down ...

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Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo

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I had a very different post planned for today, but then I had a very different day yesterday than I had planned.

The meeting with the school?? It went surprisingly well ... I say apprehensively ...

Cam is not in danger of retention for 8th grade. His grades have been so poor this year I was concerned grade retention was inevitable, but apparently Illinois has pretty low standards. Imagine that ...

The Manifestation Determination Review (MDR) found that Cam's behaviors were a manifestation of his disability, but that the behaviors were not a result of the failure to implement the Individualized Education Plan (IEP) nor did it change his placement. I disagree with the change of placement determination, however I am letting that go for the "greater good."

We now have a more appropriate IEP in place which includes fall placement in a private, therapeutic day school at the school district's expense. Although this was the "desired" outcome, it is really difficult for me to stomach.

Cam will still be an official student of the local high school - eligible to play sports, attend prom and all other school events - but will spend at least 90 days, and likely much longer, in a small (80 total students in the school) individualized educational program, with the ultimate goal of getting him back into the general education program at his "home" school.

Cam did participate in the MDR and the transitional IEP counseling. He was treated with the utmost respect and his input was valued.

The school district has asked that I wait to tell Cam about the placement change due to concerns regarding the remainder of his school year. The neuropsych agreed. Unfortunately, I feel I am betraying Cam's trust in doing so.

I need to come to grips with what high school will look like for Cam - at least until he can be transitioned into the general ed setting. There is a great deal of grief and loss in this process, and I'm just now beginning to navigate it.

~*~

I came home from Cam's meeting to a phone call on the job opportunity - I did not get the job.

As I shared with all of you, this was a public position that required I be transparent regarding my personal life ... and that is ultimately why I did not get the position. They were nice about it, saying, "Your life is in a dramatic transitional phase and our elders feel this could be detrimental to the overall fit for the position."

I cannot argue the logic, but I was (and am) disappointed.

It also clarifies priorities and pushes me a little more towards resolution of the "transitional phase."

~*~

I went back to work and received a phone call at 3:30. It was Cam's school principal and when I answered the phone I got, "Dana, we have a problem."

To make a long story short, Cam and two of his friends were chest bumping in the hallway at the end of the school day as they were gathering their things from their lockers. That time is called "advisory" and is technically still a part of the education day.

Cam was singled out, sent to the office. The other two boys walked away wondering why Cam was sent to the office for something they do every day.

Apparently there have been some issues surrounding 6th graders being "roughed up" in the hallways after school. The principal (by his own admission) had just spent time on the phone with an angry parent who was threatening to call the police if his child was "bullied" in the hallway again and had sent teachers into the hallway as additional security, then overreacted when Cam was sent to his office.

The end result? What should have been a verbal warning to all THREE boys turned into the principal telling Cam he was being suspended for the day. Yes - I am serious. And before any of you insist there must be more to the story, there isn't. I spent a great deal of time on the phone with the principal who admitted he overreacted due to having a "bad day."

The problem? Although the principal rescinded the suspension, Cam is refusing to return to school today if it means he has to talk to the principal and the principal insists on talking to Cam so that he can apologize. Cam isn't ready to hear the apology. Stalemate anyone?

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Friday Wrap-Up (School Version)

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Ahhh ... Friday ...

Today I'll get back to some sort of normalcy, hopefully for quite some time.

Cam heads back to school today. Although his suspension was up Tuesday (he was eligible to return Wednesday) there were some "issues" that needed to be worked through in order to make his return to school a positive one (*crosses fingers*).

~*~*~

Cam's neuropsych eval continues. This has been an interesting process and will likely change what I think I know. What started out as an estimate of two 3-hour sessions has turned into at least four 3-hour sessions. The process has been following the onion adage - each time a layer is peeled back it becomes clear there are more layers to pull back.

I've had to adjust to the idea that Cam may have a "less glamorous" diagnosis - but hopefully I will soon have the data that will help him most.

~*~*~

There have been several comments about my being too close to this situation to be most effective in securing an appropriate education for Cam. I do believe there is some truth there, but ... that's as good as it gets right now.

Karen mentioned that she thought advocates might be provided for students at no cost. There is ONE, district "sponsored" advocate that works with Cam's school district (the 6th largest school district in Illinois). ONE. I've been trying to work with her for about a month now, but at this point I can't even get her to return a phone call, my guess is because she is COMPLETELY overwhelmed.

The good news is that Cam's neuropsych goes above and beyond what is "typical" and will be available to present all of the testing data to the school district and will be making MEDICALLY based recommendations for Cam's placement. This is HUGE. Often times a doctor (choose your favorite flavor) makes a diagnosis then sends you on your way. It will be a wonderful advantage to have the doctor who gathered the data present the data - in person - to the school district.

~*~*~

I mentioned moving to another state this week and yes, I really am serious about this. Part of my frustration with Cam's school experience is a frustration with Illinois' management of education funding - specifically the additional $12,000 Cam's school should be receiving because Cam is on an IEP.

The BBC recently did a story on Illinois financial crisis ... the BBC. I thought I'd share the link for anyone interested. Understand, the district they filmed is near and dear - a suburban/rural district - a district with high property taxes that fund one of the highest per pupil expenditures in the state. This is one of the best districts Illinois has to offer.

BBC News - World News America - Illinois faces budget crisis

Illinois, the state President Obama once called home, is in a 'crisis of epic proportions' according to its Governor. The state is struggling to pay its bills and is considered by some to be on the edge of bankruptcy.

There are obviously problems I cannot fix (yes, I actually am aware of that) and this might be one of them. One of the benefits of states managing education is that I can move to another state that does a better job, and I have almost instant access to school district data via the internet.

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Favorite Dana Does Digital entries this week ...

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Invisible, Not Imaginary

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Invisible disabilities make up 10% of the disabled population yet since they can't be seen, they are easily dismissed as imaginary.

Invisible disabilities include autoimmune disabilities (lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, crohn's disease), chronic pain disabilities (fibromyalgia, temporomandibular joint (TMJ) disorder), dietary disabilities (celiac disease, diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome), psychiatric disabilities (major depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders) and my favorite, neurological disabilities (multiple sclerosis, ADHD, asperger syndrome).

Invisible disabilities are no less debilitating than spina bifida or blindness, but because we aren't alerted to them by a wheel chair or a guide dog, they are taken less seriously. People are accused of making them up.

I hear it often. In fact, I listened to it for the last seven years. There was an abundance of it in the comments of my Friday Wrap-Up (Angry Version). And I constantly hear it from teachers. I am enabling Cam to be the way he is. If I were disciplining him at home he wouldn't need to be disciplined in school. If he would just work up to his potential, there wouldn't be a problem. If I'd quit catering to him and set my foot down he'd quit manipulating everyone. As a parent of a child with an invisible disability, I am often blamed for Cam's difficulties. I am an easy target.

It's devastating to be "forced" to listen to these comments. I know Cam has an invisible disability - just as clearly as I know that spring follows winter - yet when everything seems to start going better, a crisis erupts and Cam and I are blamed.

I understand the frustration of the school and of some of my readers. I really do. I am frustrated too. Cam has gotten to the point where he has completely shut down in class. Homework is a nightmare. Cam's Aspergers and ADHD make even the most simple organizing overwhelming. I understand this, but I can't seem to get his teachers and other adults to understand this.

I am often overwhelmed. All of my hard-learned, carefully researched and professionally-based explanations of the things I know about Cam are perceived as excuses. When I try to relay to others what I've learned, it's viewed as "enabling."

Am I an enabler? No. I know Cam's strengths and weaknesses and I step in and defend him when needed. I am his advocate. This isn't the same as buying beer for an alcoholic or driving the drug addict to her dealers house. The school's stance has been that he should do everything by himself, no matter the struggle, the frustration or the amount of time it takes. This is no different that requiring a child in a wheelchair to participate in a regular PE class, and I can't imagine a single person thinking that was reasonable.

Cam needs a strong advocate. Someone who will stand up for him, be assertive and deal with school issues and personnel in a way that gives him an equal opportunity to become a successful student, a student who learns what his mind is capable of learning rather than being held back by his neurological differences.

Unfortunately, his teachers think I'm too involved. They (and probably a handful of my readers) believe I am an enabler. It is simply easier to blame me, or Cam, than it is for those people to think and do things differently.

I have a responsibility to Cam. Unfortunately, in today's school culture that requires accountability for production and quality of work, I am made to feel I shouldn't step in and help, that Cam must somehow find academic success with no assistance, no advocacy, no voice for his needs. I am seen as overprotective. I am made to feel that if I stand up for Cam, my actions are the reason he is having problems.

I struggle to teach Cam the skills he needs to be independent. Why would I work so hard otherwise? It's not fun. I don't get any joy from it. I don't get any personal recognition for the incredible extra efforts it takes to help Cam find academic success and coping skills. There isn't a paycheck involved, in fact - on average - I spend $160/month on medical co-pays related to Cam's disability. No one pats me on the back and tells me to keep up the good work, least of all Cam. He is convinced I am the most evil parent in the world and frequently talks about how wonderful his life will be when he leaves. It is my responsibility to make sure he can leave.

I work diligently to guarantee Cam's ultimate independence and good mental health. I'm not coddling him by smoothing the rocky path while we try to find ways to manage the obstacles. I am making sure the playing field is level so that he'll WANT to play and not give up completely in discouragement.

I understand why teachers want Cam to be responsible and productive. I do too! But often their solution is detention or failure. This is the easiest, most economical, one-size-fits-all solution that really doesn't fit all students and is often damaging to students with disabilities.

Studies show that countries like Sweden and Japan who show juvenile offenders care and nurturing have a much lower rate of recidivism than countries who use humiliation and punishment. Schools that show children care and nurturing also produce far less angry students, less dropouts and more successes than schools that dole out punishment or detention.

It requires a different way of thinking, and change is hard - if not impossible - in the public school system.

I really should have as much of a voice in Cam's schooling as the school does, and I shouldn't have to be afraid of being labeled the cause of Cam's disability. I didn't parent him into Aspergers and ADHD and I won't be able to parent him out of them either, but given the right tools, I can help teach him the coping mechanisms he needs to be successful.

He may have an invisible disability, but it isn't an imaginary disability.

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When Goliath Fights Back

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So what was it this time? Well ...

There is really no way to explain what it's like to have a child who doesn't quite fit in. A child who has superior intelligence, yet failing school performance. A child who "should" be doing better. A child who doesn't "get" social norms and is seen as defiant and disrespectful (if you're not familiar with Cam's story, you can read it HERE and HERE).

I've not always done what I should have done for Cam. I've been inconsistent with IEP's. I've put him in environments that weren't supportive. But in the last three months, I've been working diligently to make things right. I've been pushing the school to do what they are required to do. I've held teachers accountable for their part in Cam's education. I've held Cam accountable for his part in his education. And it blew up in my face.

One of the things I didn't take into consideration is that not all David and Goliath match-ups result in the little guy coming through unscathed. In fact, most times the Davids of the world are slaughtered quickly and efficiently by the Goliaths. I've been known to get stuck in a fight of "right vs. might" in the past, and I'm there again now.

Cam's second term this year resulted in numerous trips to the Principal's office. He would be disruptive - or would refuse to do any work - for one reason or another (usually Asperger's related), be sent out of the class for the remainder of the class period, lose instruction and classwork time, and *surprise* fall farther and farther behind.

When the new term started in late January, the school agreed not to send him out of the classroom as long as he wasn't being disruptive. They also agreed to start supplying me with a list of the classwork that wasn't completed in class so that Cam could complete it at home and get credit for the work. Any guesses as to what happened?

Cam learned quickly that if he didn't do his work, he wasn't going to be sent to the Principal's office. He could just tell the teacher he wasn't going to do the work - the teacher would have him write "refuses to work" on the classwork - and then it would all come home with him. Cam was spending SEVEN hours in school doing relatively nothing, then coming home with an entire day's worth of homework and classwork. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days at work, then coming home to spend 2-4 hours per night homeschooling. Not just helping with classwork and homework, but doing the instruction necessary as well. Overwhelmed is an understatement.

I play life kind of like I play chess. I try to stay at least one move ahead, but am usually thinking two to three moves ahead. I saw this coming. The school had been moving their pawns since Christmas break. This resulted in an IEP meeting on Friday that was "supposed" to address Cam's transition into high school, but instead resulted in the recommendation that Cam be removed from his current school and placed in another school within the district that has a program "better suited to meet his needs." I would argue that it is a program better suited to his current school's needs.

I am beyond frustrated and confused. Although the recommended program sounded like it might be a better fit for Cam, I'm learning that it might not be what the school is touting it to be. I can't give up the fight - I am the only one who really has Cam's (and only Cam's) best interest in mind - yet the the school is the Goliath and this time David is getting beat down.

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Friday Wrap-Up

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It's been one heck of a week. I have been drowning in school issues surrounding Cam. Not only did I have issues with the homework website and Cam's math teacher, but those resulted in me receiving the following email from the principal:

From now on, I would prefer that any correspondence with the core teachers come through me. I will make sure your concerns are brought to the teachers attention in a timely fashion and that the teacher responds to the concerns through me. Hopefully this will help eliminate some of the tension that is occurring. This would only apply to the core teachers. Feel free to e-mail [the vice principal], [the social worker], or [Cam’s special education case worker] and continue to cc me when you e-mail them.

Anyone want to guess how well that went over? If you guessed, "Like a turd in a punchbowl" you'd be right! You want involved parents, but you won't let me correspond/contact the teachers directly? You've got to be kidding. Off to the school I went.

The good news is that within 45 minutes the issue was resolved. In other words, I will be corresponding/contacting the teachers directly. The bad news is that I made the math teacher cry - apparently several times and over a period of 3 days - because she felt I was questioning her professionalism and integrity. She was right! I was!

This came down to my lack of warm-fuzzy communication. As I told the principal, I communicate directly so that I can resolve issues and move forward. I don't have time to make sure no one's feelings get hurt. Doing the warm-fuzzy thing just muddles the communications.

I was told I should consider trying harder to be nice. I responded that the Math teacher should consider trying to grow a thicker skin. I heard a lot about it being an uneven playing field - parents can question the actions/abilities of teacher but teachers cannot question the actions/abilities of parents. I agree. That is the case. It's what happens when you choose to go into any service type industry whether that be working in retail or being a teacher. I have empathy, but it doesn't change anything.

~*~

Husband switched from drama-free to drama-inducing this week. He called me Sunday night and just let into me about finances. Seemed overly concerned about how my "uncontrollable spending" (i.e. his refusal to contribute to BASIC household expenses) might require him to pay off my debt. I really wanted to hang up on him right after explaining that marriage meant it wasn't his debt and my debt, but rather our debt and he should have considered that when he was telling me he could have helped but felt he needed to teach me a lesson. Instead, I sat there quietly and repeated, "I am taking care of my finances. You need not be concerned."

I did call him back about 30 minutes later to ask if something happened that I needed to be aware of. Did a creditor show up at the door? Had someone called? He explained that he was under a great deal of stress and his actions had NOTHING to do with me. He then told me he thought to himself, "Wow! I was really being a dick!" about 10 seconds after he hung up the phone. I told him that I was thinking that about 10 seconds into the conversation.

Umm ... hello? Did it ever dawn on you that might be a problem you needed to work on? Personally, I think he now has no one to dump on like he had when Cam and I were living in the house and that is EXACTLY why he called and dumped on me. It was a gentle reminder - at a perfect time - as to why I left.

~*~

I'm off to another church conference with Cam this weekend. You might remember
the Birds, Bees and Purity post from this time last year. This is the second conference in that series - this year dealing with manners and modesty. It starts tonight with a "formal" (i.e. Cam has to wear a tie) dinner at which I will be Cam's "date". He will learn about taking his date's coat, pulling out her chair, etc. Cam should do exceptionally well in this portion of the conference. I am, after all, the manners maniac.

I am really looking forward to the modesty portion of this conference, especially since I have one of those low pants wearing, walk like a penguin to keep them from falling completely off, kids. When he is with me, Cam knows I better not see his underwear hanging out of his jeans. He can wear his pants low, but he better have a shirt long enough to cover what should be covered by his pants. I have no doubt this requirement is overlooked when I am not within screaming distance.

I also have pretty significant issues with modesty of middle school girls. Seriously, have you seen some of the stuff the 12-14 year old crowd is wearing? Padded and push-up bras, cleavage bearing tops, bare midriffs, jeans so low the red lace thong hangs out like a whale tail when they sit down. I'm so glad I don't have a girl!

Anyway, there will be a fashion show - kind of a DO's and DON'T's, if you will, with the adults wearing over-exaggerated versions of inappropriate middle school dress, and actual middle schoolers wearing a more modest version of the same outfit. Should prove to be quite interesting!

~*~

Don't forget I've got the Project 365 blog - Dana Does Digital. I post a picture a day, a quote and a little blurb about the events that led up to the picture. It's kind of like a Facebook status update blog style. Here is yesterday's photo:

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Public (School) Nuisance

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I have one of those kids that doesn't do well in the traditional school environment. I have no doubt that some of that is due to environmental factors. It would be foolish to think that seven years of single parenting topped off with another seven years of living in an abusive environment haven't shaped Cam's personality. When you add in neurological issues (for those who aren't aware, Cam has been diagnosed with both Aspergers (an autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD - you can read about that HERE and HERE) you've got teachers that struggle, a parent that struggles AND a kid that struggles, for success in the school. Frustrating doesn't begin to describe it.

I haven't always been diligent on my end of things. There have been times when I was so preoccupied with my own struggles that I pretty much became hands off with Cam's education. That hasn't helped the situation. One of the things I was looking forward to with the move was getting a grip on this again.

Cam struggles with organization. This isn't uncommon for kids Cam's age, but with his additional neurological challenges, it becomes a critical issue. Not only does it negatively impact his performance in class, but it makes just getting the homework home half of the homework battle.

Thank goodness for the internet, right? Most schools, including Cam's, have websites now that allow parents to see what homework is assigned as well as checking grades in "real" time. Cam's school also has almost all of his text books available online making homework accessible even when he forgets his books. These tools are invaluable for kids like Cam and parents like me ... as long as they are updated.

In the past, I've had problems with the homework website being updated. There have also been significant issues with the Parent Portal (real time grades) containing accurate information, but when I've attempted to address these issues with the school I've gotten the proverbial brush off.

Since Cam returned to school after the Christmas break, I've made a dedicated effort to keep on top of the homework issue. Each day I check the homework website and save a screen shot of the information. I print that out and hold Cam accountable for completing the work.

Each morning I send an email to all of Cam's teachers confirming the listed homework was done and attaching scanned copies of the homework (this is one of the accommodations listed in Cam's educational plan - teachers are required to accept scanned homework as well as the homework Cam physically turns in). Yes, this is cumbersome, but it's what has to be done to keep Cam successful. When no homework is listed on the website, I include that information in the email I send.

School has been back in session now for six days. Of those six days, the homework website has been accurate only three days. Two of the days there was absolutely NOTHING listed on the website, the other day there were two teachers who didn't include homework assignments for that day. Looking at the Parent Portal, I discovered that Cam had taken a grade hit on all three of those days.

Fortunately, I save all correspondence with the school/teachers and fired off an email yesterday that said, in part:

I have been extremely diligent with checking the Team 8B website daily, insuring Cam's homework is completed, scanning and emailing all homework to teachers when it is due. I don't believe it is reasonable that Cam is receiving reduced grades for items that have been emailed to you when due and/or for homework assignments that never appear on the Team 8B homework website.

I know ... I know ... more drama, but the lack of accountability in this school drives me nuts. I understand that Cam is not an easy kid. I get that, at 13, most kids are getting their homework written down in their planner and the homework website isn't so critical. But Cam is not "most" kids.

It frustrates me to no end that teachers want to hold kids accountable, yet they don't want to be accountable to parents. Yeah ... yeah ... I know ... teachers (at the middle school level) have 100+ kids to keep track of. They make mistakes. They can't give each kid special attention. Blah, blah, blah. I've heard the excuses and they are just that - excuses.

I am a parent who (usually) is extremely involved in my child's education. I have been a member of the PTO for three years now. I regularly communicate with teachers and administrators to address issues as they come up. I attempt to support the teachers and administrators in an effort to promote a united front in Cam's education. I am held accountable for my actions or inactions by those same teachers and administrators, so why is it that they are not accountable to me?

I will be pleasantly surprised if anyone from the school takes some ownership of this issue. My guess is that I'll hear a lot of "I told Cam ..." which somehow absolves them of all responsibility to tell me.

*grumble*

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Are You Stupid??

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You all know how I feel about zero tolerance policies - especially when it comes to their implementation in schools. Let's be honest here, defining something as a weapon can be a bit subjective. For example, last year Cam was sent to the office for wearing a metal chain belt fastened with a lock (*shakes head* I never said he was a fashion diva). When I saw him with it on that morning, I told him he would likely be told he couldn't wear it - that it would be considered a weapon - but he decided to wear it anyway.

When the school called to tell me they confiscated the belt as a weapon, and that I could pick it up from the office, I told them to put it in the trash. I warned Cam (even though I thought calling it a weapon was a stretch). He decided to take his chances. He was wrong. Learn to live with the decisions you make in life.

Fortunately, his school didn't bow down to the zero tolerance Gods. They thought this could be interpreted/used at a weapon, but they didn't implement the mandatory suspension guidelines.

A similar thing happened to Delaware first grader Zachary Christi. Apparently Zachary's family camps regularly. His parents bought him a handy-dandy folding fork, knife, spoon utensil. Zachary decided the pocket spork shouldn't be just for camping and took to school so that he could use it to eat his lunch.

In another time - a time when people still used their brains to think - Zachary probably would have been asked to hand over the tool and the principal would have called his mother to the office for a little discussion. End of story.

Unfortunately, we live in a time when kids take guns to school and shoot each other, and as is usually the case, over-zealous, zero-tolerance policies are put in place in school districts across the country. Delaware’s zero-tolerance policy toward "weapons" required Zachary to be punished - 45 days in an alternative school for troublemakers.

As a side note, the best way to teach kids to be troublemakers is to put them in a classroom/school full of troublemakers, but I digress ...

It would be nice if school administrators were left with a little more discretion in these matters, but that would require them to think - to apply discretion without prejudice - to be held accountable for their decisions. We don't do that well in public schools. Hell, we don't do that well anywhere. We like it when we can do something, then say, "It's not my fault!"

Zero-tolerance policies can usually be more accurately named zero-common sense policies. They leave very little wiggle room when it comes to doling out reasonable discipline. But there is another side to this ...

If Zachary or another student had been hurt by the knife, intentionally or unintentionally, who do you suppose would be held accountable? I'm pretty sure the school district has the deepest pockets. Again, the zero-tolerance policy comes into play. Policy usually makes for a great defense in court.

So what's the answer? Zero-tolerance policies are idiotic. Asking teachers and administrators to always make the correct discipline decisions is ridiculous. Sounds like our hands are tied, right?

I have one word for you - PARENTING! How the hell did little Zachary manage to get that utensil to school? Did his parents give him permission? I heard them on an interview say, "There's nothing wrong with it. We let him use it to eat at home." Hello? Are you stupid? There is a significant difference between home and school and as parents, we have an obligation to insure that line isn't crossed. As parents, we must pay attention and use common sense (there's that phrase again).

The crime in this case wasn’t Zachary’s. Certainly the bone-headed, bureaucratic system of laws, regulations and buck-passing played a part, but not as much as some would like to believe. The real criminals in all of this? Zachary's Parents. They had the ability, and the responsibility, to be aware of what their 6-year old was bringing to school. In this case, there should be a 45-day alternative program for "troublemaker" parents.

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Can I Have Just a Bit More Stress Please?

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Well, I did it. I took Cam in to the doctor last night (he needed to repeat the blood work to see where his iron levels are now) and I picked up the prescription for Concerta. I have such conflicting and confused thoughts on medicating Cam and none of this is sitting well with me.

I need to preface this next part of this post by admitting to some frustration induced generalities. Those who are, or have had teaching experience might want to stop reading now (yes, I'm talking about you and you) because these days, I am generally not thrilled with teachers and administrative staff within the public school system.

Cam's school performance has gone steadily down hill this year. I haven't shared much of this on the blog, primarily because I feel a huge and overwhelming responsibility for where he is right now and honestly, I wasn't sure that I could deal with the input from all of you. Not that comments left here are malicious, but I also know that I ask for your honest thoughts, and sometimes I'm just not ready to hear those things. No guts, no glory ...

So, back to the story. Since sharing with the school that Cam now has an ADD diagnosis, and that I was considering medication, I have been BOMBARDED with negative input from teachers and staff. Seldom does a day go by where I do not receive an email or a phone call telling me how disruptive Cam is - how his behavior negatively impacts the "other" students - how he isn't doing what he should be doing - how he doesn't care how his actions impact others. What do I hear? Blah, blah, blah - Cam is bad - blah, blah, blah - you are a shitty parent - blah, blah, blah - if I had my way Cam would never step foot in my class again. No, technically that's not what they are saying, but given the sudden influx of negativity (mind you, they don't even try to say anything positive any more) it is what I hear and what I feel.

The latest was his band director. Cam has a holiday concert tomorrow. As far as I know, things have been going satisfactory in band. I haven't heard a peep from the band director other than a reminder when Cam needs reeds. Yesterday I receive this email from her:

I have been having a particularly difficult time with Cameron, yesterday and today being the worst. There are never any times when he is in rehearsal and actually rehearsing. He spends a majority of his time talking out of turn, laughing at things when he should be playing and causing a general disruption. I am concerned about his behavior for the concert on Thursday night. He cannot and does not want to behave and participate in class in a way that contributes to the success of the group. He is constantly being a disruption and I am not able to run the rehearsals in a way that makes the band better. Please discuss his behavior in class with him tonight. I would like a decision tomorrow from you regarding his participation in Thursday's concert and his continued behavior in class. I am not able to sit with him and keep him with me the entire night that we are at the HS for this performance. I am concerned that he will not be able to handle the situation and will be causing disruptions when he should be getting ready for a performance. I am very serious about the performance levels of each of my groups, Cam's constant disruptions are causing problems within the band. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me. Cam is aware that I am emailing you as rehearsal today had to be stopped multiple times to ask him to stop.

Now, I do understand and appreciate that this is a HUGE issue for the band and for the director, but why am I hearing about it just 48 hours before the biggest concert of the year? I did a very bad thing. I replied to this email out of frustration and anger ... and then hit send:

I share in your frustration, but I do not believe that he "does not want to behave and participate in class in a way that contributes to the success of the group." I cannot imagine that his motivation in being disruptive is to impede the performance of the group as a whole, however I can understand that it might feel that way at times.

I'm at a bit of a loss regarding your ultimatum. I have every intention of discussing Cam's behavior with him, however, the statement, "I would like a decision tomorrow from you regarding his participation in Thursday's concert and his continued behavior in class" confuses me. What are you saying? That he cannot participate in the concert? That it is my decision as to whether he participates? That you'd rather he not participate? Please explain.

Look, we are ALL at our wits end with this. I am doing all that I can on the home front to secure progress in Cam's behavior. I am in the process of having him placed on meds for his ADD diagnosis - something that doesn't sit well with me but something that I feel pressured (from the public school system generally) to do.

You tell me what you want in regards to the performance as it really doesn't matter much anymore how I feel or how any of this impacts Cam - the concern is for everyone else - the ease of instructional time - the impact on the "good" kids. I get it.

Yeah ... I sent it. Those last two paragraphs could have been written a little more objectively, and I wasn't surprised when I got this response from the band director:

After yesterdays situation in band with misbehavior, I asked Cam to put the oboe away. He was asked to write a letter of apology to the band for his inability to stop disrupting the class. Dana, these are not little disruptions, they are loud, talk really loud out of turn, distractions. His letter of apology was supposed to be to me this morning, at the start of band I still did not have it. I had him go sit in the office and write it and when he did, he was able to return. He then read it to the class and apologized. This apology, I believe, meant nothing to Cam. It was just a way to get me off his back. His behavior did not change one bit. I cannot move him anywhere in the class where he does not cause a distraction. We are trying to prepare for a concert, and he will not stop talking and such to enable 1. me to run a rehearsal, and 2. allowing the class to play without disruption. On Thursday night for the concert,I need help with the supervision of Cam during the time he will be back stage in the warm up room. I will also need help with this when the band is done performing and they become the audience. Cam can sit with you, or you can sit with him with the band. I want him to perform. But I will need your assistance with his supervision. This has everything to do with his being part of the full group, being a contributing member of the band and being one of the "good kids". He is capable of doing this, he just does not see the seriousness of what we are trying to do in preparing for a concert, nor does he seem to want to stop his behavior. Nothing I say to Cam seems to get him to want to make things better and there have been several conversations, one on one, to discuss this. I am more than willing to have him at the concert, but you need to understand that my concern does lie with the entire group, of which he is a part of if he chooses to display proper behavior for a performance and audience.

She cleared up the ultimatum, didn't she? So, now the question is what will I do? I've decided to leave it up to Cam. I will play by the band director's rules. I understand Cam's impact on the success of the band and on that of the band director. Her points are valid. That said, I will not be surprised if Cam refuses to participate under these conditions. Can you imagine? Being the kid who's mom has to be in the warm-up room and then has the audacity to sit with the band?

I know ... accountability ... but damn it would have been nice if I'd have been brought into the loop on this one more than 48 hours before the performance.

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