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So what was it this time? Well ...
There is really no way to explain what it's like to have a child who doesn't quite fit in. A child who has superior intelligence, yet failing school performance. A child who "should" be doing better. A child who doesn't "get" social norms and is seen as defiant and disrespectful (if you're not familiar with Cam's story, you can read it HERE and HERE).
I've not always done what I should have done for Cam. I've been inconsistent with IEP's. I've put him in environments that weren't supportive. But in the last three months, I've been working diligently to make things right. I've been pushing the school to do what they are required to do. I've held teachers accountable for their part in Cam's education. I've held Cam accountable for his part in his education. And it blew up in my face.
One of the things I didn't take into consideration is that not all David and Goliath match-ups result in the little guy coming through unscathed. In fact, most times the Davids of the world are slaughtered quickly and efficiently by the Goliaths. I've been known to get stuck in a fight of "right vs. might" in the past, and I'm there again now.
Cam's second term this year resulted in numerous trips to the Principal's office. He would be disruptive - or would refuse to do any work - for one reason or another (usually Asperger's related), be sent out of the class for the remainder of the class period, lose instruction and classwork time, and *surprise* fall farther and farther behind.
When the new term started in late January, the school agreed not to send him out of the classroom as long as he wasn't being disruptive. They also agreed to start supplying me with a list of the classwork that wasn't completed in class so that Cam could complete it at home and get credit for the work. Any guesses as to what happened?
Cam learned quickly that if he didn't do his work, he wasn't going to be sent to the Principal's office. He could just tell the teacher he wasn't going to do the work - the teacher would have him write "refuses to work" on the classwork - and then it would all come home with him. Cam was spending SEVEN hours in school doing relatively nothing, then coming home with an entire day's worth of homework and classwork. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days at work, then coming home to spend 2-4 hours per night homeschooling. Not just helping with classwork and homework, but doing the instruction necessary as well. Overwhelmed is an understatement.
I play life kind of like I play chess. I try to stay at least one move ahead, but am usually thinking two to three moves ahead. I saw this coming. The school had been moving their pawns since Christmas break. This resulted in an IEP meeting on Friday that was "supposed" to address Cam's transition into high school, but instead resulted in the recommendation that Cam be removed from his current school and placed in another school within the district that has a program "better suited to meet his needs." I would argue that it is a program better suited to his current school's needs.
I am beyond frustrated and confused. Although the recommended program sounded like it might be a better fit for Cam, I'm learning that it might not be what the school is touting it to be. I can't give up the fight - I am the only one who really has Cam's (and only Cam's) best interest in mind - yet the the school is the Goliath and this time David is getting beat down.
There is really no way to explain what it's like to have a child who doesn't quite fit in. A child who has superior intelligence, yet failing school performance. A child who "should" be doing better. A child who doesn't "get" social norms and is seen as defiant and disrespectful (if you're not familiar with Cam's story, you can read it HERE and HERE).
I've not always done what I should have done for Cam. I've been inconsistent with IEP's. I've put him in environments that weren't supportive. But in the last three months, I've been working diligently to make things right. I've been pushing the school to do what they are required to do. I've held teachers accountable for their part in Cam's education. I've held Cam accountable for his part in his education. And it blew up in my face.
One of the things I didn't take into consideration is that not all David and Goliath match-ups result in the little guy coming through unscathed. In fact, most times the Davids of the world are slaughtered quickly and efficiently by the Goliaths. I've been known to get stuck in a fight of "right vs. might" in the past, and I'm there again now.Cam's second term this year resulted in numerous trips to the Principal's office. He would be disruptive - or would refuse to do any work - for one reason or another (usually Asperger's related), be sent out of the class for the remainder of the class period, lose instruction and classwork time, and *surprise* fall farther and farther behind.
When the new term started in late January, the school agreed not to send him out of the classroom as long as he wasn't being disruptive. They also agreed to start supplying me with a list of the classwork that wasn't completed in class so that Cam could complete it at home and get credit for the work. Any guesses as to what happened?
Cam learned quickly that if he didn't do his work, he wasn't going to be sent to the Principal's office. He could just tell the teacher he wasn't going to do the work - the teacher would have him write "refuses to work" on the classwork - and then it would all come home with him. Cam was spending SEVEN hours in school doing relatively nothing, then coming home with an entire day's worth of homework and classwork. I've been putting in 9-10 hour days at work, then coming home to spend 2-4 hours per night homeschooling. Not just helping with classwork and homework, but doing the instruction necessary as well. Overwhelmed is an understatement.
I play life kind of like I play chess. I try to stay at least one move ahead, but am usually thinking two to three moves ahead. I saw this coming. The school had been moving their pawns since Christmas break. This resulted in an IEP meeting on Friday that was "supposed" to address Cam's transition into high school, but instead resulted in the recommendation that Cam be removed from his current school and placed in another school within the district that has a program "better suited to meet his needs." I would argue that it is a program better suited to his current school's needs.
I am beyond frustrated and confused. Although the recommended program sounded like it might be a better fit for Cam, I'm learning that it might not be what the school is touting it to be. I can't give up the fight - I am the only one who really has Cam's (and only Cam's) best interest in mind - yet the the school is the Goliath and this time David is getting beat down.
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21 comments:
Stay strong Dana! Hugs!
I believe in you. And I know you won't give up. You may not kill Goliath, but I know you'll do what's best for Cam...the best way that you can.
You always do.
Stay strong, Sweets!
Even if it's not what the school is touting, if it seems to be a better fit for Cam why not try it? Cheers Dana!!
better late than never, I think my slingshot is losing its UMPH!
Real Live Lesbian, at this point I'd just be happy with getting Goliath to take a breather until the end of the school year.
Matt-Man, the problem is that the school touted it as a program for gifted kids with learning differences. What I am hearing is that it is a self-contained program for emotional/behavioral disorders (which Cam does not have). In other words, what it *is* is not a good fit.
Most schools have no real intention of dealing with kids individually. They set everything up to hit the middle and anyone above or below that "zone" get's left out. Much of society is set up that way too. All you can do is keep fighting.
it sounds like Cam (and you) could benefit from some outside counseling, is there any available?
I think you hit the nail on the head. You are the only one with Cam as your number one priority. The school has to have some loyalty to the teachers and the other students. Cam's issues are one of a zillions things the school has to deal with. You have to stay strong and be the best advocate that you can be for your son.
A program that specializes in his issues sounds ideal. But don't Asperger's kids have issues with change? With all the change going on for Cam in the last few months, how is a change of school going help?
Jay, I would agree - not only do most schools have no real intention of dealing with kids individually, sometimes they do not have the resources either. I think what frustrates me most is that the school receives over $10K in additional funding, each year, for each child on an IEP (INDIVIDUALIZED Education Plan), yet they tell me they continue to tell me they don't have the resources to help Cam.
snugs, both Cam and I have been in individual and family counseling for over 2 years now. That will continue.
Karen, AS kids they have HUGE issues with change and with social skills, and yet the school thinks it's in Cam's best interest to implement COMPLETE change and remove him from the few social successes he has had in the community? Seems a bit odd to me, and yet another reason that I am questioning the motives behind the proposed change.
Maybe before saying "no" to a change of school (which is going to happen next year at the high school level anyway), it wouldn't hurt much to take a day or two and go check out the other school. See what kind of learning setting they have, check out the teachers and staff. You can always make a decision later rather than sooner. It really sounds to me like the school is trying to eliminate you and Cam because they are not willing to do what they need to do. If there is a teacher out there somewhere that is willing to do what is best for Cam, it may be worth the trouble of finding them. I am not saying that you should or should not make the change.....just hoping you take the time to check it out. Good Luck to both of you whatever your decision is!
Does your school district have any sort of child advocacy program? Sometimes they have 3rd parties that are assigned to help advocate for the child. I would look into that because it is a more individualized approach. I have a friend who works with younger kids that have Cams condition. I will ask her.
I am the friend to whom Toni is referring. Man oh man, this is a toughie. I am an language therapist in an elementary school and I specialize in kids with autism and Asperger's. I haven't read your blog enough to know Cam's functioning level. However, I'd say that some of this, if possible, has to be put in Cam's corner. Is there ANYTHING that you can hold over his head...either positive or negative? I'd be interested in what you are hearing about the other placement, and perhaps more importantly, from whom you are hearing it. I wonder what the case manager will be like at the high school if he doesn't go to the alternative setting. I have so many questions that would help me give you advice, if you even want it. If so, feel free to e-mail me at namastebyday@gmail.com. Really. Good luck. You are doing an awesome job advocating for your son.
Not to sound preachy here but my oldest Step Son has Asperger's and is also doing what Cam is doing now.
I just repeat to my step son that it is really all up to him. I give him a dose of reality that the day will come where there is no mom, dad or step parents and he is going to have to deal. And I tell him that I hope he is prepared.
He has failed himself a few times but I think it is sinking in.
See, you could care all you want about Cam...but in the end, Cam has to care about Cam. This is the message that has to be drilled home.
I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.
Granny Nanny, I will visit the program and gather more information before saying "no" At the end of our meeting Friday they agreed to some "temporary" accommodations until (a) there was time to see if there was even any space in the program, and (b) I had a change to gather the data I need to feel comfortable with a decision. It's easy to get hung up on the "labels" and I'm doing my best to keep an open mind.
Little T, actually, I had an advocate attend the IEP with me on Friday. This was the first time I've done that and I would say the tome of the meeting was much different than that of previous meetings. I've not yet heard back from the advocate but she assured me she would be talking to me in the next day or two.
Gina, *waves at Gina* I agree, at this age (8th grade - 13) Cam needs to take on a great deal of this, especially when it comes to advocating for himself. I am currently holding his XBox and the threat of having to change schools over his head. There is also a temporary accommodation in place that removes him from PE and/or Band (both classes he enjoys) to complete any and all classwork that hasn't been completed in class that day. I'll email you tonight with some of the other stuff as it's WAY too long for a comment :)
Joker_SATX, it's a fine line we must walk between advocating and enabling and, as our kids get older, the line changes direction rapidly. This move to the other middle school may be out of my hands, and I've told Cam it *is* out of my hands - that *he* is going to have to step up and do better.
Your last line is probably the one thing we are struggling with most right now. Cam doesn't care about Cam because I put Cam in a situation where he wasn't cared about. I'm working on fixing that but it is going to take some time.
Aunt Becky, this too shall pass, right? RIGHT?!?!?! *grin*
I had to bip back and let you know how proud I am that you are so determined to make this happen for Cam. You are doing all of the right things. If only every kid had a Mama who cared as much as you do. My hat is off to you and I will be sending lots of love and light your way.
Poor Dana the David! Keeping going, you'll eventually break through to something that works. I know it's hard to have that faith when the school is working against you but it has to get better eventually.
Yikes! Sorry to hear about this for Cam and for you.
So I wonder how much of this is age related since we seem to be having the same "I don't care/minimal effort" by our own 13 year olds. I have found in the past that I have enabled him too much. His grades were terrible in December in a good school district and with generally hit or miss teachers. I was always nagging. always reminding. Alway laying blame on anyone other than my bright, but very lazy son.
At some point,I realized that I was doing my son no favors by challenging teachers. Life isn't fair. Sometimes you get poor teachers and later in life, poor bosses, neighbors, and friends. I finally realized teaching him how to deal with less than perfect circumstances may be the best lesson I can teach him.
All the same, look into that new school. It sounds like it would be a great opportunity to get a fresh start and clean slate without pre-existing tension from teachers/ administrators you have now. Those bad feelings certainly affect their view of your son no matter how impartial they try to be.
Good luck!
~Scout
Reading this makes me feel so guilty about the hard time I gave my own mother. I had a serious problem with my schooling and would refuse to do the work even in classes I enjoyed. I have no idea why. My mother fought with me constantly. I was always grounded but nothing helped. Luckily I've turned out to be an intelligent hard working person and I believe that Cam will be the same way. It's just those damn school years. I wish I could tell you he is going to straighten out or a new school would help but I don't think so. Just help him pass through it and move on with life. It's all you can do.
Dana: You have to be an advocate for Cam, but Cam is taking advantage of the situation and you have to make sure he is not leading the direction of this situation. Holding his XBox away is certainly one way. He can not refuse to do work in school..that is unacceptable
Hey, keep fighting the good fight. My son has autism, I get it. He is also making great progress and I hold him accountable though sometimes it is hard!
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