I Can See Through You

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One of the things that I have always been proud of in writing this little blog of mine is my transparency. I use real names - I post true (yet often embarrassing and humiliating) stories of child rearing and life - I rant - I am opinionated - I piss people off - sometimes I make people cry.

And let's not forget the secrets. I share secrets that I hope other people can identify with - secrets that "prove" I am human - secrets that I am tired of carrying around. Secrets that, kept to myself, are little more than one more piece of me pretending to be something I'm not. I am no longer willing to live like that.

I've always been aware of my visibility on this blog. My visibility can, and does, make me vulnerable. It's a chance I'm willing to take to be "real" in a world that often isn't.

There are some of you out there who blog anonymously - who choose to use fictitious names - who give your kids cute little IDs like "Snowflake" and "Puppy Dog Tails". Some of you have a full page devoted to your "Cast of Characters" to help readers navigate your posts.

I understand why people choose that route. For some it is safe - the people you know in real life can't judge you if they don't really know who you are. For some there are professional concerns - public visibility requires that you keep your private life private. Some of you just have no balls. *shrugs* I respect your choice to remain anonymous and I try not to judge (too much). It's just not how I want to be.

Up until yesterday, I would have told you that I pride myself on hiding in plain sight (and yes, I did steal that from one of Jay's tweets over the weekend) ... that is until I was unexpectedly "called out" on my Sunday Secret via email. I'll be honest - I about shit my pants.

I considered pulling the post back into draft. I have other secrets just waiting in the wings. I knew most of you would never even know a switch had occurred ... but I would know.

I thought about back-tracking. I could make up a story - claim it was a misunderstanding or that it was taken out of context. I'd have probably been able to talk my way around it ... but I would know what I had done.

I even toyed with the idea of going private (not the first time I've considered that). After all, I'm quite experienced with the cut and run move - it's how I keep from getting hurt in personal relationships. Most of you would understand if I went private. Many of you have even suggested I go private. No one would care ... but I would care.

In the end, I decide to go with ... FUCK IT!

I did change the photo used in the secret as there was a slim possibility the text of the secret could be misinterpreted by someone familiar with the facility in the photo, causing my secret to have unintended, negative repercussions for an entire group of people, but the text of the secret remained (stubbornly) in place.

This blog is about me. It is the one place in my life where it is always about me, and I'll be damned if I am willing to give that up for anyone! It's my journey. It's where I am right now. That cannot be censored.

In the end, I spout off far too much about personal accountability and integrity to compromise my own. I won't do it, and I'm willing to "pay the price" for that decision.

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Friday Wrap-Up

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We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Not sure what happened this week - I've got tons of ideas for blog posts - just couldn't find the discipline to sit down and put those thoughts together. I'd think it had something to do with Cam returning to school, and attempting to adjust to a new schedule, but he doesn't go back to school until next Wednesday ... maybe ...

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Cam's new school is about an hour away and the district is providing transportation (i.e. taxi service door-to-door). I hadn't heard anything on the transportation schedule so I sent an email to the district explaining my concern.

I received a phone call from Leonore shortly after sending the email. They were putting the order in on Thursday - they would get back to me Friday with the details. I asked who I should call if I didn't hear anything on Friday and got the, "Oh! You'll hear back on Friday. You won't need to follow-up!" Ummm ... yeah ...

Yesterday was the one week mark and I have heard nothing. I called Leonore and suddenly she wasn't the person I needed to talk to - she transfers me to Patty.

Patty insists this isn't a quick process - that Leonore gave me incorrect information a week ago - but that she will have the transportation information for me Friday (today). Anyone want to take any bets??

Accountability seems to be as elusive as the yellow-bellied sap-sucker these days.

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I created chaos at work this week and - for a period of time - thought I might have pushed a little too far.

I am the regional accountant for our western division branches (Northern California, Southern California and Arizona). My AZ branch has always been a thorn in my side. I've got an incompetent bookkeeper there, and a General Manager who has an odd (inappropriate?) relationship with her. She continues to screw up - to negatively impact the success of the western division - and no one will do anything about it.

This has been going on for 3+ years. It came to a head on Tuesday, and resulted in closed door conference calls involving the Controller, the CFO, the VP and the GM in AZ. I was a bit stressed.

True to form, no one has given me any status update, but I do know that my bookkeeper in AZ did exactly what she was supposed to do yesterday, and that was my goal.

What happened to people honoring their word? Doing the right thing rather than the easy thing? Addressing conflict and performance in a direct manner rather than bitching about it behind closed doors and doing nothing?

*shakes head*

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Donations for Boo and her family continue to come in. Thanks again to all of you who have supported her with donations and continued thoughts and prayers.

Just a reminder that Nitebyrd is donating 100% of the proceeds from any/all sales in her Etsy Shop to Boo and her family through 25th.

I am a huge fan of her Designer Upcycle/Recycle Tote Bags. Not only are they adorable, but they are quite practical too!

Clicking on the banner below will take you directly to Nitebyrd's shop

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The World *Is* a Little Smaller

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I worry ... more than I should some times, and this little snippet of my life has been no exception. I've become quite skilled at, when facing stress, hyper focusing on the stressor, and going through the motions in the rest of my life. It's been two weeks since this all happened and I'm now trying to find a balance.

Cam's phone was returned the following day. Fortunately, with the exception of an unrelated little "issue", it appeared to be clean. Cam may have thought he was playing with the big dogs, but fortunately it seems he was looking for approval more than he was looking to become a career criminal.

I spoke with SGT Jones, albeit briefly, regarding my legal options to keep the 18 year old Things #2 and #3 away from Cam. I learned that there is little that can be done. Unless a minor is abused (sexually or physically) by an adult, the courts will not issue a protective order. My only recourse is to keep a close eye on the situation and attempt to "catch" Things #2 and #3 in some sort of illegal activity. Frustrating to say the least, especially since if I ever find them anywhere near Cam again, it will likely be me that winds up in the middle of illegal activity - assault.

My challenge is to keep an eye on Cam while allowing some bit of freedom. As I mentioned earlier, I downloaded the Chaperone/Child software available through my cell phone carrier. I was able to set child zones - 1/4 mile radius areas where Cam should be (home, school, etc.) as well as areas he shouldn't be (Things #2 and #3's neighborhoods). I receive an alert - via text message and email - any time Cam enters or leaves one of those zones. I can also locate him at any given time via the GPS tracking.

I went through Cam's contacts on his phone. I asked him about each person - dialed each number to verify what he told me - and set password protected controls on his phone that allow him to make and receive calls to and from people on his contact list only. I downloaded the contact manager on his phone so that I can access his contact list from any computer, insuring he has not made changes. I also check his phone and text activity EVERY day and randomly ask him for his phone to view text content as well as to view any pictures he may have sent or received.

I spoke with the principal at the middle school. Heading the PTO may be a serious pain in my ass bring challenges at times, but being active in the middle school has allowed me to develop an excellent relationship with the principal. I gave him the details of what had been going on. The principal has been at the middle school for 17 years - he was quite familiar with Thing #2 and shared some additional insight (it wasn't good).

I checked Cam's schedule to see if he was sharing any classes with Thing #1 (13 year old) - he was not. I had the principal move Cam's locker to the other side of the building, minimizing any potential contact. I told the principal that Cam was NEVER to walk home from school - bus only - and he was to get off only at his stop. The principal has been extremely helpful in all of this.

I'd love to tell you all that this is behind us - that it was nothing more than a little blip in the radar - and maybe some day that will be the case, but it isn't yet. Cam started back to school last week which has been extremely helpful. Between school, football, and church activities, he is busy with "good" stuff. I am approaching this from a different direction than I've traveled in the past. I am not taking away the good stuff, but rather am encouraging the good stuff - filling all of his spare time with good stuff - no matter what the cost (time or money) is to me - as long as he participates fully in the activity. My hope is, that over time, he'll start feeling better about himself and will prefer that positive attention over the negative attention.

Yes, I know ... parenting should have been this way from the start. It wasn't. Once Cam hit middle school I made the assumption that he would do the "right" things, after all, that's what he had been taught. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have - I was too wrapped up in my own wants, needs and dramas. That was a luxury I was taking that I did not deserve. Cam is one of those kids who will always push boundaries - always use his keen sense of logical argument to attempt to justify his actions - both to himself and to me. I must always be alert and aware. It's tiring, but necessary.

I do think Cam and I have a better relationship now. He has seen me make mistakes (big ones) and be publicly accountable for them. Most days, he doesn't like me or the limits I've placed on him. This isn't a popularity contest and I am not bothered by being called "stalker mom," in fact I think it's quite flattering. I continue to remind him that when he shows a history of being responsible within the new limits (months, not days) I will expand them - a bit.

We've been through a lot over the course of the last two weeks. I'll be honest - I am emotionally and physically drained. I know I need to take care of myself but it's just going to have to wait. I'm not exercising, I'm not eating well, and I sleep like I did when Cam was a newborn. I'm not complaining - this is the price for the decisions I made previously - the price to Cam could have been far greater.

Why the picture of Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody (any Harry Potter fans out there)? A year or so ago, a friend of mine who knows both Cam and I quite well, told me that I reminded her of "Mad Eye." At the time, I thought she was nuts, but I now realize just how keen her insight was.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

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The World Gets a Little Smaller - Part V

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I never told Cam where we were going, but it became fairly clear - rather quickly - that we were not headed home. Cam asked, as we turned left instead of right, "Where are you taking me? To the police station? Because Thing #2 ran in the house to get a muffin?"

I explained to him that we were not going to the police station because of a muffin, but because in addition to him giving Thing #2 permission to go into our house after I made it clear he was not allowed, the police wanted to question him (Cam) regarding crimes that were occurring in town. I explained that Thing #2 was a suspect in these crimes and now, he was too. We followed SGT Jones to the holding/questioning area - a room about 20' x 20' with a single desk, three chairs, gray cinder block walls and a minimum security cell just like the one pictured.

SGT Jones began questioning Cam - about his association with Thing #2, about the mischievous crimes going on about town, about his whereabouts at certain times and on certain days. He asked Cam if he had ever used drugs (yes, he had - pot - but of course only once). He asked Cam if he knew anything about the crimes. Had he seen anything. Had he heard anything about what was going on (Cam denied knowledge of either). He asked about the break-in into Thing #2's house (Cam gave details). About 1-1/2 hours into the questioning, SGT Jones asked if Cam had a cell phone (yes) and asked me if he could see the cell phone (yes).

It was at this very moment that I realized just how little I knew about Cam's cell phone usage. I had no idea who was in his contact list (all three of the Things involved). I had no idea who and what he had been texting. I had no idea what SGT Jones might find on that phone. There were many text conversations between Cam and Things #2 and #3 (the 18 yo's). Nothing obviously incriminating, but certainly things that raised flags. SGT Jones decided to keep the phone for evidence/investigation.

Throughout most of the questioning Cam was clearly upset. SGT Jones shared with Cam that he was being used as a tool. That his 18 yo "friends," Things #2 and #3, would throw him under a bus should they get backed into a corner. SGT Jones was very firm with Cam - clear the air now - share all that you know (good or bad) - because if I find out later there will be legal consequences.

SGT Jones left Cam and I alone for a few minutes so that I could reinforce - mother to son - how important it was for Cam to be honest. We talked - we cried - Cam was scared - I was scared.

SGT Jones didn't realize that he was fighting not one, but two fairly strong forces. In addition to Cam's "loyalty" to Things #2 and #3, Cam was fearful of what husband's reaction would be once he got home. There was yet another defining moment when SGT Jones came back into the room. Cam looked at SGT Jones, looked at me, then cried, "He's (husband) going to kill me. I'd rather go to juvy than go home."

I looked at SGT Jones and said, "He's afraid of what the physical punishment will be when we get home - and he has reason to be concerned."

It was my personal integrity on the line. It was time for me to come clean.

Need to catch up?

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

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The World Gets a Little Smaller - Part IV

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"I'm heading home real quick and then going back to Thing #2's (18 yo) house"

I got that text at 11:37AM. My initial thought was, "Thank goodness he's letting me know where he is going." My second thought was, "I bet he thinks there is no way I'll be home again since I was just home an hour ago." I went with my second thought.

My supervisor - who has three young boys of his own - has been extremely supportive through this time. I went into his office Monday and gave him the basics of the story. I let him know that I might need to take off with little more than a "I've got to go" as I headed out the door. He also worked with me to alter my work hours when school started, keeping Cam's time home alone to a minimum. I gave him a quick, "I've got to go!" as I ran out the door.

Our house is on a corner lot making it quite easy to pull up a block over, get a full view of the house and never be seen, and that's exactly what I did. I saw Cam, and who I thought was Thing #1 (13 yo) sitting on the front stoop, the garage door wide open. I needed to make good on my threats or I was going to dig myself a deeper hole, so I called the police department and asked them to dispatch SGT Jones to my house.

As I waited for SGT Jones to arrive, the boys closed the garage door and headed down the street on their bikes. SGT Jones arrived about 30 seconds after they left. I gave him a description of what the boys were wearing and told him it was likely they were headed back to Thing #2's (18 yo) house. He took off down the road and I went inside waiting for SGT Jones to call.

Not a minute later I got a phone call from Cam on his cell. In a disgusted tone of voice he asked, "Really mom? You called the police because Thing #2 went in the house to get a muffin?"

I responded, "I'll be right there," and hung up the phone.

Thing #2? It was the 18 yo that was at my house? Now I knew there was going to be trouble. Thing #2 is on probation and any violation of that probation results in automatic jail time.

Cam called me two more times during the 3 minute drive. I let both calls go to voice mail. I pulled up to Thing #2's house where SGT Jones was speaking to him by the squad car and Cam was sitting on the front porch.

SGT Jones walked up to my car and asked me what I wanted to do. Cam had told Thing #2 that he (Cam) had talked to me and I said it was OK for Thing #2 to run into the house real quick. When I asked SGT Jones what would happen if I pressed trespassing charges, he told me Thing #2 would be arrested, would need to post $100 bail to get out of jail, a court date would be set, but that it was probable that the charges would be dropped since Cam gave "permission" to Thing #2 to go into the house. This was the first of many legal lessons I would learn this day.

I loaded Cam's bike into the back of my car, SGT Jones had some final words with Thing #2, and Cam and I headed to the police station with SGT Jones right behind us.

We'd spend the next 3 hours and 17 minutes there.

Need to catch up?

Part I

Part II

Part III

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The World Gets a Little Smaller - Part III

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**I've deactivated - and deleted - anonymous comments as there seems to be some sort of high-school pay-back antics going on in the comment section and I'm just not even going to entertain this crap on my blog - not now - not again**

Tuesday morning started off well. Cam seemed to have settled down a bit, realizing that the constraints I was placing on him were "reasonable" although a bit more strict than he would like.

I also had the opportunity to speak with Thing #1's mother. As Thing #1 (13 yo) has been a friend of Cam's for a while, this was not the first time (fortunately) that we had a conversation. I explained to her why I called - that I was concerned that Cam And Thing #1 were making some very poor decisions when they were together. I went out of my way to not place blame on anyone.

She told me she was experiencing much of the same behavior from Thing #1, then she shared a story with me regarding a 3rd "friend" (we'll call him Thing #3). The story was that Cam and Thing #1 were "coerced" by Thing #3 to break into Thing #2's house. Cam acted as lookout while Thing #1 went into the house looking for two MP3 players, and some pot that Thing #3 claimed belonged to him.

What is interesting is that I overheard a panicked phone call from Thing #1 (to Cam) on Sunday regarding the theft of the MP3 player and threats of the police being called. Things were starting to go from "feeling" wrong, to being wrong.

I thanked Thing #1's mother for sharing the information and informed her that if I found her son at my home again, without an adult in the house, I would call the police. Thing #1 has two older siblings who have been in trouble with the police - Thing #1's mother begged me to not involve them. I told her I wouldn't, as long as Thing #1 stayed away.

I was crushed by the information regarding Cam's involvement in the home break-in. I cannot even put into words the devastation I felt. I was struggling with Cam's decision to be a part of something like that, my motherly instincts that wanted to protect him, and knowing that the "right" thing to do was to report the crime. I had HUGE conflict, but knew that doing nothing was the absolute worse example I could set for Cam. Doing nothing is what got us where we were at that very moment.

I stopped at the house after speaking with Thing #1's mother and confronted Cam. He admitted he had been a part of the home break-in. I left Cam at home and stopped at the police station on my way back to work.

I spoke with SGT Jones. I talked to him about what I suspected, and what I knew. I learned from him that Thing #2 was NOT a 16 year old local boy, but an 18 year old local "man" currently on probation for drug related offenses. I learned that Thing #3 was an 18 year old "man" as well and had a history of police contact through one of the neighboring towns. I also learned that there had been many "mischievous" crimes occurring in town - mailboxes knocked down and/or vandalized, yard ornaments being moved from one house to another in the middle of the night - and that Thing #2 (18 yo) was a suspect in the crimes. Cam was now guilty by - at the very least - association, and possibly just plain guilty.

SGT Jones agreed to meet me at the police station at 3:00 PM. I agreed to bring Cam in to discuss not only the home break-in, but these other "mischievous" crimes as well.

An hour later, I was calling SGT Jones to my house. It was only 12:00 noon.

Need to catch up?

Part I

Part II

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The World Gets a Little Smaller - Part II

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*If you want to catch up, Part I can be found [HERE]*

Monday Morning rolls around. One of the down sides to the real-time GPS monitoring is that it requires Cam's location security setting to remain ON (not set for Emergency 911 only) and it gives him a *warning* screen (i.e. "You can be located" message) when he turns on his phone. Unfortunately, I cannot secure those settings and he has access to change them.

So, what's the first thing he does Monday morning? Why yes! He changes the location settings so that the real-time GPS monitoring is deactivated. I send him a text message and tell him he has two options, (1) change the location setting to ON, or (2) lose the phone. He has 15 minutes to make a decision.

After several vulgar (understatement) text messages from Cam, and me responding in a "firm but loving" manner (texting allowed me to breathe), I told him it was in his best interest to abide by my rules. Now, understand that although Cam has been mad at me once or twice (or maybe a bazillion times) in the past, he has never retaliated in anger with vulgar language - NEVER. His final response to me was (this is the EXACT message I received):

I dont want to! Dont u fucking get it already?! IM 13 I DONT NEED UR HELP AT ANYTHING I DO!! IM NOT A FUCKING LITTLE KID ANYMORE! LEAVE ME ALONE! And just an FYI u dont even count as a mom 2 me right now. [Husband] is more of a parent then u!

Ummm ... yeah ... do you think he was attempting to push buttons? Somehow, I managed to keep my composure and not jump in my car, drive home and slap the living shit out of him, and instead continued to responded in a firm, but adult manner. He finally turned the location security setting back to ON.

One of my strategies last week was to show up at unexpected an unannounced times. Cam had been instructed that, under no circumstances, was he allowed to have anyone at the house without husband or I being there. Any guesses to what I found when I went home early for lunch? That's right! I found two of his "friends" at my house - Thing #1 (the 13 year old that has been a friend of Cam's for a couple of years) and Thing #2 (who I was told was a 16 year old, local kid, that Cam had met through Thing #1). They were just on their way out the door, obviously trying to be sneaky and leave before my "normal" lunch time. Little did they know that I would no longer have a "normal" lunch time.

I stopped all three boys in the driveway. I explained to ALL of them that Cam was not to have anyone at the house unless there was an adult present. I informed them that this would be their only warning - that the next time I would call the police and charge them with trespassing. I also told the two "friends" that if they were actually going to call themselves Cam's friends, they might want to consider helping him make better decisions, otherwise they had no business calling themselves his friends. The three of them rode away on their bikes.

Cam kept me in the loop regarding his whereabouts throughout the rest of the day and I didn't come home to anything other than what I should have come home to. I wouldn't be so lucky on Tuesday.

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