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One of the things that I have always been proud of in writing this little blog of mine is my transparency. I use real names - I post true (yet often embarrassing and humiliating) stories of child rearing and life - I rant - I am opinionated - I piss people off - sometimes I make people cry.And let's not forget the secrets. I share secrets that I hope other people can identify with - secrets that "prove" I am human - secrets that I am tired of carrying around. Secrets that, kept to myself, are little more than one more piece of me pretending to be something I'm not. I am no longer willing to live like that.
I've always been aware of my visibility on this blog. My visibility can, and does, make me vulnerable. It's a chance I'm willing to take to be "real" in a world that often isn't.
There are some of you out there who blog anonymously - who choose to use fictitious names - who give your kids cute little IDs like "Snowflake" and "Puppy Dog Tails". Some of you have a full page devoted to your "Cast of Characters" to help readers navigate your posts.
I understand why people choose that route. For some it is safe - the people you know in real life can't judge you if they don't really know who you are. For some there are professional concerns - public visibility requires that you keep your private life private. Some of you just have no balls. *shrugs* I respect your choice to remain anonymous and I try not to judge (too much). It's just not how I want to be.
Up until yesterday, I would have told you that I pride myself on hiding in plain sight (and yes, I did steal that from one of Jay's tweets over the weekend) ... that is until I was unexpectedly "called out" on my Sunday Secret via email. I'll be honest - I about shit my pants.
I considered pulling the post back into draft. I have other secrets just waiting in the wings. I knew most of you would never even know a switch had occurred ... but I would know.
I thought about back-tracking. I could make up a story - claim it was a misunderstanding or that it was taken out of context. I'd have probably been able to talk my way around it ... but I would know what I had done.
I even toyed with the idea of going private (not the first time I've considered that). After all, I'm quite experienced with the cut and run move - it's how I keep from getting hurt in personal relationships. Most of you would understand if I went private. Many of you have even suggested I go private. No one would care ... but I would care.
In the end, I decide to go with ... FUCK IT!
I did change the photo used in the secret as there was a slim possibility the text of the secret could be misinterpreted by someone familiar with the facility in the photo, causing my secret to have unintended, negative repercussions for an entire group of people, but the text of the secret remained (stubbornly) in place.
This blog is about me. It is the one place in my life where it is always about me, and I'll be damned if I am willing to give that up for anyone! It's my journey. It's where I am right now. That cannot be censored.
In the end, I spout off far too much about personal accountability and integrity to compromise my own. I won't do it, and I'm willing to "pay the price" for that decision.
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22 comments:
I dig the phrase "Fuck It." It isn't always merely a trite, off the cuff, amusing phrase. Sometimes it can be the best advice one can give to another or to one's self. Cheers Dana!!
I admire your ability to be so upfront. I blog semi-anonymously - I mean, several bloggers are on my Facebook site and I use my real name there. My husband is a very private person and doesn't want me to use his name/image or the kids' names/images on the internet. I understand his concern and go along with his wishes.
I could never keep track of all those nicknames - that is the main reason I don't use them.
I got bit in the butt when I wrote something about a friend and she called me out. I didn't even know she knew of or read my blog. It was humiliating, and it changed the way I blog. I am careful not to vent about friends or love life - unless it is something I want to be public.
I see so many blogs where people are trying to blog about their life, but they have to keep names, places and dates private. So, they end up being so vague that it's frustrating and down right silly.
If everything is so "sensitive" and you can't talk about it, then don't talk about it. Or do talk about it and deal with whatever happens if someone reads it.
The ones that crack me up the most are the mommies who desperately want to join the Mommy Bloggers A-List™ crowd, but can't quite bring themselves to exploit their children enough to do it. Man are they caught in a quandary.
My reason for being anon blogging is that I don't want my grown kids to know what a crazy slut their mother is. However if they do find out, I'll own up to it. After all, I'm a grown-up and a person, not just a mother.
Very few people have the balls to take responsibility for their words and actions lately, good on you for having girly balls, Dana!
Matt-Man, it concerns me a little that I have embraced the use of "Fuck it" so easily. I find it's a wonderful attitude when there is absolutely nothing you can do to "control" the actions of others and it is time to move forward!
Evil Twin's Wife, see? I don't get this. Is there a fear that someone is going to stalk the kids through the blog and snatch them up?? I'm thinking "predators" have far more efficient ways of finding their prey than stalking blogs.
Karen, I have a policy that if I wouldn't say it to someones face, I won't blog about it ... which allows me to post just about anything.
Jay, I'm convinced 80% of the mommy-bloggers out there pretend to be in the witness protection program as a hobby!
nitebyrd, I have often been reminded that my words/actions on this blog have the potential to impact Cam. Some have even called my selfish, which may indeed be true, but I'd rather have my son know that I am not afraid to be myself than have him think I was a sell-out.
Oh, I disagree that anonymity makes it so people can't judge you. In my experience, it makes people less "nice" or tactful about their judgment, too. Who needs basic human decency when you're dealing with an anonymous "entity"?
It does, however, reduce some risk (and I only say some) of getting fired for what you write, or being stalked, or having your friends and relatives never speak to you again for your words and choices.
i had to stop doing current event posts about my family & myself... the "look at what we did today" type of blog posts with pictures. trolls are all over my blog. the ones that publicly proclaim how much they hate you and then spend all of their free time on your blog/facebook/twitter/myspace. so i rarely post anymore & when i do its just meanderings about memories or something current that doesnt have anything to do with me.... i simply got very fucking tired of hearing from people all over the place what it was the trolls were telling everyone about me... i adjusted my facebook privacy settings, dont go on myspace & still have moles on line that forward any pictures or status updates i do on to them... its a sad thing. ive thought often of simply deleting it all & just doing woodcarving posts (since thats my job). i salute & envy your boldness, keep it up! (that way i can live vicariously through you)
Ms. Inconspicuous, I absolutely agree with your view on readers of anonymous blogs - they can be (and often are) some of the most judgmental folks out there. When I mentioned not being judged, I meant by people that you actually know - the very people many anonymous bloggers are trying to remain anonymous from.
Clay Perry, I'm not a fan of trolls either, but I honestly cannot fathom anyone being that interested in my life to go to the extremes you've experienced. I sometimes wonder if my "boldness" isn't actually stupidity. I'm fairly certain it is a very fine line.
If anyone read my past blogs they would know that I too struggled with this. And I inadvertently revealed my identity one day by clicking something.
So then I said "might as well throw my kids under the bus too" That's how they got in on the action. I have begun to realize that I cannot always say what I want now because by blog is not anonymous and it sucks.
But I have always been the kinda person That "if I say it behind your back, I can say it to your face". When this backfires on me I'll do a post on it.
Aliases just make it so much harder to keep thing straight. Stick to the truth and there is much less to fear. There will always be the random asshat that wants to take issue with things. The less attention they're given, the sooner they move on to the next temptation. Fuck 'em!
When I began, I did not use my real name...that changed...there are subjects I will not discuss because mom and dad read my blog, so that is the only hold-back I use.
You are to be respected for your stance on this and when people send emails to chide you for things...well screw them
Raquel's World, you can always say what you want, you just have to be willing to pay the price for doing so :)
bikinfool, I will use fictitious names when writing about strangers - people whose identity I won't compromise out of respect - bu family and friends? They are fair game!
Vinny "Bond" Marini, this email was from a "reader" who I believe was far more concerned with how "they" were portrayed in my secret than they were about chiding me ... which is actually more disturbing.
I use real names. I know family and friends read my blog on occasion but I don't let it hinder me. Then again I don't have children to worry about. I think your Sunday secrets are a really beautiful idea and I never judge you for them. I understand that I might not completly understand your meaning in the few words you give us. I find myself judging the people who harass you instead of choosing not to read anymore.
Just like there are billions of versions of normal there are billions of version of hypocrite. And everyone is one to some extent (except me). The ones that say they aren't are probably the worst. (wait....)
I was afraid (of what I don't know)when I started blogging 4 years ago and followed suit with a friend (Phfrankie)and stayed anonymous. I just didn't trust the tubes I guess. As the years have tick tick ticked by (typing) I registered on Face Book and like many tried to keep the two separate. Ehh, I got nothing to be afraid of except making a fool of myself to mostly people I've never met. Fuck it! You know. Hell I've left more hints on my blog as to who and where I really am that afirst grader could find.
But I like being Micky-T, (Ken) it suits me. Phfrankie (Steve)my very long time friend has always had revolving nic-names for everyone and every thing in his life and had been calling me Mick (I was calling him Bob)so as I had just moved to Tennessee...Micky-T.
Now you know the story.
No, this doesn't mean I want to "friend" everybody on Face Book. Sometimes I want to smash my computer and just get a book.
I am a big proponent of "fuck it!" Good point, also, about the judgment from real life friends. I moved blogs for that reason, in combination with holding back on what I tell them in real life. I was just over the judgment from those particular people.
The old WTF files were very open. Pictures...the whole bit.. then I got burned really bad... really really bad... from that day forward.. it's been the way it is now. I admire you to stand firm in what you believe...
now.. the OC grandkid is talking in her sleep.. and I may learn something.. so I'm outa here.
I do enjoy your Sunday Secrets. I find them very cathartic. I also love having a "secret" identity. It makes me feel like Wonder Woman, even if I will never have the body for the tights.
If it weren't for the fact that I have assholes I deal with that would actually site legal implications on my blog and about my blog, I would open it up to the public.
I keep mine private, not for the fear that I will get hurt, but for the fear that others close to me will get hurt by a certain few that really have no business breathing the same air we do...
So, there are many reasons why we as bloggers do what we do. Dana, I celebrate your blog. Its refreshing and it tells it like it is.
I could say that at times I want to criticize you but you usually beat me to the punch. What I like most about your blog is that you are who you are and I like that very much.
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