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Last week, there was a bit of a brew-ha-ha in my immediate blog-sphere. Surprisingly it wasn't me who initiated it this time (I was more like collateral damage) but it could have been me. In fact, it has been me in the past.
What happened? Well, Matt-Man had the audacity - as a non-New Yorker - to write a post about the Mosque at (near) Ground Zero. If that wasn't bad enough (because we all know New Yorkers have special privilege when it comes to being affected by 9-11, and Matt-Man is many things but he is not a New Yorker) he quoted a comment left by Karen, used it in a "less-than-flattering" manner ... and ... he didn't give her a heads up.
There was a time not so long ago when I would have said that Matt-Man exercised bad blogging manners ... and I'd have been wrong. *gasp*
What?? How can that be?? Well, I've written several posts where I have quoted and/or just plain "called out" other bloggers on their opinions and comments (HERE , HERE , HERE and HERE ... for starters). Some of these posts I gave the bloggers/commenters no warning. Some of them I gave a heads up and mentioned they would likely not agree with my opinions. I've used parts of posts/comments without referencing the writer. Hell, I've even offered to let bloggers/commenters READ THE POST before I publish it (they've always declined) and you know what? With very few exceptions (Jayman and Matt-Man come to mind), I've gotten the same response each and every time. Those I disagree with are PISSED.
See, this isn't about good blogging manners, it's about having a differing opinion. When I blog about the [ego-stroking adjective] post that [blogger name] wrote, I get nothing but appreciation and adoration. But have a differing opinion? And make it public? Then use the blogger/commenter's words as part of my argument? That will get one removed from the Christmas card list, unfollowed on twitter, blog removed from Reader AND unfriended on facebook.
What was my part in the Matt-Man/Karen brew-ha-ha? I didn't stick up for Karen. Her feelings were hurt. I get that, but I didn't feel what Matt-Man did was wrong and I agreed with his opinion. I don't think Karen's reaction to what Matt-Man wrote would have been any different had he sent her an email saying "I'm using your comment in a blog post tomorrow" (although she believes it would have). Experience tells me the reaction would have been the same - Karen would still have been PISSED.
Why? Because this is about people and how they react to opinions different than their own - especially when they are held accountable for their own opinions in a public forum.
Before anyone starts screaming "HYPOCRITE" at their computer monitor, yes, I have over-reacted to a blog post or two (or many) in the past. I willdefinitely probably do it again at some point in the future. What I hope I've learned though is that it is far better to reach out to the person behind the blog and ASK what their intention was rather than assuming it was meant to harm, belittle or embarrass in a public forum. Hopefully they'll have the gonads to be truthful in their response (not always the case).
You see, when all is said and done, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka sums it up quite well:
I would argue it's not really a fine line - that this particular line is drawn with a Sharpie Chisel Tip, not a 0.5mm Pentel P225.
I don't owe The Internet anything.
Better yet? The Internet doesn't owe me anything, and it's quite liberating to (finally) embrace that!
Last week, there was a bit of a brew-ha-ha in my immediate blog-sphere. Surprisingly it wasn't me who initiated it this time (I was more like collateral damage) but it could have been me. In fact, it has been me in the past.What happened? Well, Matt-Man had the audacity - as a non-New Yorker - to write a post about the Mosque at (near) Ground Zero. If that wasn't bad enough (because we all know New Yorkers have special privilege when it comes to being affected by 9-11, and Matt-Man is many things but he is not a New Yorker) he quoted a comment left by Karen, used it in a "less-than-flattering" manner ... and ... he didn't give her a heads up.
There was a time not so long ago when I would have said that Matt-Man exercised bad blogging manners ... and I'd have been wrong. *gasp*
What?? How can that be?? Well, I've written several posts where I have quoted and/or just plain "called out" other bloggers on their opinions and comments (HERE , HERE , HERE and HERE ... for starters). Some of these posts I gave the bloggers/commenters no warning. Some of them I gave a heads up and mentioned they would likely not agree with my opinions. I've used parts of posts/comments without referencing the writer. Hell, I've even offered to let bloggers/commenters READ THE POST before I publish it (they've always declined) and you know what? With very few exceptions (Jayman and Matt-Man come to mind), I've gotten the same response each and every time. Those I disagree with are PISSED.
See, this isn't about good blogging manners, it's about having a differing opinion. When I blog about the [ego-stroking adjective] post that [blogger name] wrote, I get nothing but appreciation and adoration. But have a differing opinion? And make it public? Then use the blogger/commenter's words as part of my argument? That will get one removed from the Christmas card list, unfollowed on twitter, blog removed from Reader AND unfriended on facebook.
What was my part in the Matt-Man/Karen brew-ha-ha? I didn't stick up for Karen. Her feelings were hurt. I get that, but I didn't feel what Matt-Man did was wrong and I agreed with his opinion. I don't think Karen's reaction to what Matt-Man wrote would have been any different had he sent her an email saying "I'm using your comment in a blog post tomorrow" (although she believes it would have). Experience tells me the reaction would have been the same - Karen would still have been PISSED.
Why? Because this is about people and how they react to opinions different than their own - especially when they are held accountable for their own opinions in a public forum.
Before anyone starts screaming "HYPOCRITE" at their computer monitor, yes, I have over-reacted to a blog post or two (or many) in the past. I will
You see, when all is said and done, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka sums it up quite well:
I don’t owe The Internet anything.
I can help my friends with whatever they need, but I don’t owe anybody anything. There’s a difference there, you see? It may be a fine line, but there is a line.
I would argue it's not really a fine line - that this particular line is drawn with a Sharpie Chisel Tip, not a 0.5mm Pentel P225.
I don't owe The Internet anything.
Better yet? The Internet doesn't owe me anything, and it's quite liberating to (finally) embrace that!
~*~*~
15 comments:
Always stirring the pot aren't we? ;-)
I see lots of comments and blog posts that i disagree with and even some that piss me off. But, I'm too lazy of a blogger to argue with them.
I DON'T AGREE WITH THIS POST...PREPARE TO BE DEFRIENDED ALL OVER THE INTERNETS!
Just kidding....Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have a special respect for bloggers who have the courage to post them.
And remember kids...Opinions are like armpits...everyone has them and if they aren't yours they stink!
The internets are a scary, scary place... our mission should be to make them more literate - more posts that make us think or laugh or jerk-off or want to go out & do something...and far less that simply say "I'm awesome, you're awesome, everybody's awesome" (which, unfortunately, most bloggers want).
While Aunt Becky's post was awesome (and I count myself a proud prankster), I think "I don't owe The Internet anything" is a misleading statement. I owe the denizens of The Internet nothing - but I owe The Internet my best writing.
Great post, Dana... well said.
As I said before, my problem was with being misrepresented and blindsided/thrown under the bus. The difference of opinion on the subject matter of mosque has nothing to do with my hurt feelings.
I am sorry that you don't feel Matt-Man did anything wrong, but I cannot disagree more with you. I trusted Matt and considered him one on my blogging friends. You don't intentionally blindside a friend.
As for you (and Jay) - I never expected you to back me up on the issue. But it would have been nice for someone to say "Hey Matt, what you did to Karen was a little messed up." I would have done that for you. But the fact that you don't think it was wrong teaches me something about you.
I don't think "the internet" owes me anything. But think friends owe friends courtesy and respect.
That's all. The brew ha-ha is over in my opinion. As I said, lesson learned. Nothing changed me or my opinions, but I did learn to be more careful in who I call a friend in the future.
I think you will recall that in a private email I sent you I too commented that I prejudged you and thought you were snobbish but then after having read your past posts realized that you were a lot different than I had thought,,,,not at all what you seemed. I think people have to take the time to try to understand others before they get so worked up or get worked up and then agree to leave it there on that post and move on. One of my favorite sayings is "seek first to understand then to be understood" Stephen Covey-
I am a huge fan of Matt- Man's just because he is so damn funny and unique and I often agree with him on a lot of things. In this particular case I did state that I agreed with him but also reached out to Karen just to say sorry your feelings were hurt. See it was natural for me to support Matt Man because I agreed with him but then I understood Karen's sensitivity to the issue even though I didn't necessarily see why she was so upset. I think it is shameful though that we can't argue it out then move on.
Writing a blog with open public comments means (IMO)that you are accepting that people will and will not always agree with you, particularly when there are controversial topics discussed in the post.
If some one speaks their mind in the comments, for one and all to see, why should they be upset if the blogger then uses said comments? You always have the opportunity to clarify, if need be, in another comment.
Usually, if someones post upsets me and I can't articulate what I want to say, I just say nothing.
The internet is a big place. As in RL, you'll have people that agree with you and people that don't, you just have to learn to deal with it.
The tone is missing. What tone? The tone of the words in your head. It disappears as the letters pop up on the screen. What's funny in your head can be the opposite on the screen. I've found this out many times over the years. (and I've not changed one bit)
Life's a bitch, then you die. Part one is better than part two.
Jay, complacency is so over-rated!
Joker_SATX, Ha! It's a new twist on the opinion/assholes comparison. Far more family friendly - I like it!
John, Your interpretation of Aunt Becky's statement is spot-on, and thank you!
Karen, I respect your feelings Karen and maybe you're right - maybe the fact that I don't see what Matt did as rude or disrespectful *does* say a lot about me.
Raquel's World, I remember that email quite well and I will say that it takes a truly open mind person to consider their first (or even second or third) impression might be wrong. I also think agreeing with someone all of the time is quite boring - I like opinions!
I miss all the fun over here.
nitebyrd, if someones post upsets me, and I can't articulate what I want to say, I usually just make an ass of myself :)
Mike, tone - shmone. I used to warry far more about that, but now? Not so much. If the reader wants clarification they can ask. If they want to make assumptions, that's on them. Not only is life a bitch, but sometimes I am too!
Osbasso, Hello?? Everyone is happy and nekkid over at your place! Although you do stir your own pot (so to speak) on occasion ;)
I just put it out there and see where the shit falls. Actually...
When I write and post something, unless it's some over the top or somewhat satirical piece of garbage it's always truthful and oft times critical. Be it critical about a well known person, a friend, or myself....
I guess I am long winded, because I am answering Karen in addition to your post. To your readers, I apologize...and I say, Suck it!! ; )
But really, I like Karen, I just didn't like her espousal, CHeers Dana!1
Matt-Man, your comment brings up another issue - separating the opinion from the person. I can easily disagree with someone (Karen) and still like them. In fact, I do it all of the time. I'm not so sure that is true for everyone else though.
let me go on record as saying that yes I "lived" through nine eleven right here in NYC smelling it for months never getting over the fear - even still when airplanes cut across the city 9 years later I still cringe a little...it was and still is scary. I support the right to build this center. I have as much prejudice as the next guy but that isnt the point. We are a free nation - the most free of them all - this is how we PROVE it.
That's what is difficult for many MANY people to understand - you can love a person to death, but you don't have to agree with their opinions on situations.
I have encountered that so many times in my life - online and off - that it is almost sad how people wrap themselves in their opinions.
That being said, sometimes the opinion is also a personal hurt that cannot be truly articulated by the person expressing it. In that case, there is no winning. While I do not agree with Karen's position on this issues in particular, I suspect the pain she felt watching it unfold in her backyard left some marks that are hard to explain. Doesn't mean you have to agree with her - or you can't disagree - just means the argument may be more emotional (hate that word but lack a better one) than with other topics.
When I personally encounter situations like these, I will usually not participate in the debate. My emotion, online, will never translate - plus, I don't want to risk the hurt I could feel if people I thought would understand did not. Knowing I am not emotionally in a good place - I chose not to join the fray. No point really.
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