Anxiety is a Bitch!

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There! I said it, but it might surprise you to learn just how much anxiety has taken over basic functional parts of my life.

The new ink? There are two stories behind the ink, one of letting go (to be told on Band Back Together) and one of overwhelming anxiety - anxiety that, if it hadn't been for the insight of Aunt Becky, would have kept me from getting to letting go.


The trip with Aunt Becky to The Tattoo Factory had been planned for a while. I was her support, but I had ulterior motives. I knew I was ready to have some ink done. I picked out the Tolkien quote quite some time ago. I decided that I didn't want a flagrant ink memorial to Alan, but rather something subtle - something that wouldn't SCREAM, "Ask me about this important person in my life who died!" yet would still have significant meaning to me.

I don't want to tell Alan's story to strangers - I ... I just don't.

We got to The Tattoo Factory and I started to lose it the minute we walked through the door. I had my printed out Tolkien quote with me - there was clearly an artist who had the time to do it - and I could NOT walk to the counter to speak with him. My ass was firmly cemented to the wooden bench by the window.

My heart was pounding.

My hands were shaking.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about walking up to that counter.

It wasn't the ink I was anxious about. I wanted the ink. I was ready for the ink. I could not get past walking up to that counter and talking to a ... a stranger ... and I cannot give you a single logical reason for that very overwhelming physical reaction to such a non-threatening situation.

I can tell you that I deal with anxiety multiple times, every day. Sometimes it's a phone call. Sometimes it's placing an order at McDonald's. 9 times out of 10, I am able to get past the moment where the anxiety becomes debilitating. This day I was not.

Aunt Becky's artist called her back. As it turned out, Aunt Becky hadn't prepared well for this visit (imagine that - *giggle*). Although her "Shut Your Whore Mouth" t-shirt was appreciated by the staff at the shop, it made inking her impossible. I offered to run to Target and pick her up a more "ink appropriate" garment.

It gave me an excuse to flee the anxiety.

A chance to breathe.

An opportunity to slow my heart rate.

When I got back to the shop, Aunt Becky had taken it upon herself to talk to Phil about my ink - giving him the printed out Tolkien quote so that he could work up a drawing for me.

She knew.

She's been there.

Getting inked is cathartic for me. The discomfort of the pain takes me to a place where all outside stimuli is muted. I crawl into the very dark crevices of my emotional self and I feel - I really feel - something I don't allow myself to do very often.

That day? I felt the joy of having a friend who not only likes me, but has many shared life experiences and has developed a keen sense of empathy, and I felt the relief of being able to trust a friend enough to tell her the truth, even though I knew how irrational my truth was at that moment.

It was a good day ...

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Screw the Oscar's - It's a Bloggie!

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While some of you were watching the Oscars - picking apart the celebrities for their imperfections and mocking their fame - something really important happened.

Besides me falling asleep in the recliner at 8:30 ...

Band Back Together won a Bloggie in the Best-Kept Secret Weblog category.


It seems kind of corny to spew a long list of thank yous, but I do want to acknowledge those of you who who retweeted and reblogged my pleas for votes (Jay and Lust Not Found come to mind, but I know there were many more of you).

Band Back Together, conceived by our own Aunt Becky, is unlike any other blog out there. It's a place where people can share their stories - those sometimes dark, always empowering stories many of us keep locked up most of our lives. Those stories that need to be heard. Those stories that allow people to connect - to feel less alone - and to find resources they may not be aware of.

I'm not ashamed to admit my own personal pride in Band Back Together's Bloggie win. Three years ago I never imagined being a part of something so meaningful to so many people - not as a contributor and certainly not as an editor. But far more important than my personal contribution? The stories. The stories of every single person who has been published, every single person who will be published, and every single reader who stops by and feels some validation, some comfort, after reading a story.

I am so privileged to be a part of that.

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Bio-Shmio

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Have you ever had to write a bio?

I find it difficult to take myself too seriously. OK ... so my nose grew as I typed that, what's your point??

Trying to write one of those "Graduated from Roosevelt University (Chicago) with a bachelor's degree in ..." bios makes my head explode. All I can hear when I attempt it is "blah-blah-blah I'm better than you blah- blah-blah" And? Well?? We all know that I'm not better than anyone so it seems kind of the wrong thing to do.

I had to write a bio for the Band Back Together editors page, 'cause our Aunt Becky is all formal, by the book and shit about these things.

Band Back Together is a pretty serious site. These stories belong to real people - and often times they've hidden them for years. People talk about abuse, infertility issues, suicide. Heavy burdens that too many people carry. Yes, there is a LIGHT THINGS category, but the bulk of the stories?? Not all glitter farts and rainbow burps.

I was trying to come up with a bio that balanced out the heavy. The sample bio Aunt Becky sent was exactly what I had hoped it would be - silly - so off I went!

Here is my very professional and serious bio, 'cause I'm an editor and shit!

Dana is a single mother and a trained killer, raising a 14-year old, bi-racial son who just happens to be on the autism spectrum. She works full-time as a bean counter but dreams of one day working in her degree field as a paralegal.

The self-proclaimed, over-reacting drama queen (currently in recovery) spews her own dribble on her blog Amid Life’s Crises however she prefers to sprinkle glitter and worship rainbows in the background on BB2G.

Her interests include leading a world crusade encouraging the acceptance of public nudity, vacuum cleaners and memorizing all of the prime numbers. In her spare time she reads every office supply catalog she can get her hands on. Some day she hopes to develop a strange addiction so that she can be a reality TV spectacle and make her family proud!

So which one of you needs a bio written for a professional publication?? I've got experience now and will be more than happy to hook you up. As you can see, I've got a knack for highlighting the most interesting and relevant facts!

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Lima Beans? Again?

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Yesterday, our Aunt Becky put up a post about her son Ben, who just happens to be on the autism spectrum. In discussing his "rejection" of her, she writes:

The older he got, the worse I felt. The pain was exquisite. It was compounded when I enrolled in school full-time to earn my nursing degree while working part-time as a waitress/bartender over the weekends as I didn’t see my son much.

He didn’t care.

I, however, cared very, very much.

While reading this I had one of those moments where a thought bubble containing a light bulb appeared over my head. And why is it a light bulb? Why not a telephone or chop sticks? Those are both inventions too! Anyway, light bulb moment.

For most of my life I have "battled" with my family about my level of attachment to them. Yesterday, I received an email from my Aunt Wiener (don't ask - long story) that said, in part:

I hope you and Cam had a great Christmas. I am going to say something that I hope you take in the vein it is given ~ with love. You sure have pulled away from family. I understand your need to live your own life and respect that, but it is as though you are just a person we once knew. Whether you realize it or not, you do have people that love you and care about you, but you seem to pull away and want to do life your way or the highway.

I believe that it is a sad day when your parents and family have to go on Facebook to make sure you are still around ~ somewhere.

I sat down and wrote a lengthy email response, attempting to explain - yet again - that my lack of attachment has little (nothing?) to do with the family and everything to do with me ... which prompted me to write a very overdue email to my parents.

In it I told them that I understand my lack of communication and regular updates looks selfish, purposeful and might even be seen as a reflection of negative feelings towards the family. That I struggle with relationships, be they family relationships, romantic relationships, work relationships or friendships. That I know what others expect and, although I can manage it for a while, it becomes emotionally overwhelming and exhausting. That I refuse to make another promise to be better at keeping them in the loop when I know that I cannot keep it. That my actions are not some passive-aggressive way of lashing out for perceived childhood wrongs.

I also shared with them that I now realize that I was likely a much more difficult child than I ever owned up to.

I concluded the email with, "I just want what everyone else wants, to be accepted for who I am, for it to be OK for me to be me."

In spite of my pity party on Christmas, I know that my family cares a lot about me and Cam. I know they love us. I also know that I don't show them my love in the way they expect to see it, and that makes their hearts heavy.

Some of you might think I should change - that I should do what everyone else does and be a "good" daughter. That I should quit being selfish and thinking only about what I want.

I don't know. Would tell a blind person to just try harder to see? That they should just do what everyone else does and be a "good" citizen? To quit being so selfish and expecting others to lead them around obstacles?

A bad analogy? No ... even though many of you may want to argue the point, it's actually surprisingly accurate.

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Friday Wrap-Up (Saturday Edition)

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Well, after much anxiety and stress, the year-end bonus checks arrived! I was expecting a significant decrease in the amount - the economy has hit my industry pretty hard (we manufacture products primarily used in new construction) - but was pleasantly surprised. Although there was a decrease in the bonus, I couldn't get past being abundantly grateful that we received one at all.

The best part? Anyone who was reading me last year knows that Cam and I were on the receiving end of AMAZING generosity. This year? We are able to pay that forward. Isn't that what Christmas is really about?? I mean other than the baby Jesus and all ...

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I'll be working diligently on my Project 365 blog this weekend. I've got about 300 pictures to download - 10 of which will find a home on the blog. Although I've really enjoyed this project, I am ready to move on ... to something far less time consuming.

I really miss HNT, and surprisingly, not for the nekkidness! Good self portraits are really difficult to take, especially if you want them to evoke feelings from the person looking at them.

Reviewing my Dana Does Digital photos, it became quite clear that I am far more comfortable taking pictures of things than people, and although things can and do arouse feelings, portrait photography takes that to a new level.

Time to work on the things that are more difficult for me rather than allowing myself to get too comfortable.

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You might notice I've added a new button on the sidebar. This one to be exact:

There are a couple of reasons for that. First and foremost, it's a project I strongly believe in. I see writing as free therapy - as a way to connect with others when what you feel is stifling loneliness. Band Back Together - the brain child of Mommy Wants Vodka's Aunt Becky - is a safe place to write and connect with other people.

I am far more of a behind the scenes person that a lead role person. I like knowing that I was part of the nuts and bolts that enabled a presentation to sparkle. In other words, I don't mind getting covered in glitter, I just don't want to step on the stage sparkling.

Aunt Becky asked if I would be interested in helping out with the editing of Band Back Together. Not only was I extremely flattered that she believed I had the skill set to successfully edit, but hell to the yes! This is right up my alley.

I edited my first post just a few days ago and plan on being an integral part of Band Back Together's continued success.

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Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability,
but comes through continuous struggle.
And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom.
A man can't ride you unless your back is bent.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Have You Ever ...

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Wanted to write with abandon?

Wished you could post something deeply personal on your blog?

Had something to share but feared the wrath of the trolls?

Or maybe you have family and friends who read your blog and speaking freely could create unwanted and unnecessary drama.

I'm not usually one who promotes other blogs. It's one of those things that can kind of snowball out of control and, quite frankly, if I think your blog sucks, I'm not going to to send people that direction to waste their time.

That said, occasionally a blog comes along that I think really has a purpose and fills a need. Band Back Together - where I posted Friday - is one of those blogs.

From the about page:

The brainchild of Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka, who, after delivering her third child, Amelia, who suffered from a neural tube defect at birth, realized (with the help of her amazing Band of Merry Pranksters) a need in the blog world for a place where we could all come to put our secrets down. A group blog that we could share our struggles and our triumphs as we walked through.

Band Back Together was formed.

So we invite you to put on your most comfortable pair of pants (or none at all, as the case may be) grab a drink or three, pull up a chair, make yourself nice and comfortable, and share your stories. Everybody needs a place where they can let it all out. Now you have it.

Don’t be shy now. Introduce yourself. Have a look around. There are all sorts of nooks and crannies for you to explore. Some may be empty now but soon will be brimming with people and stories. You’ll make some friends here; find some new people. Your people.

It’s safe here.

All the comments are moderated, all judgment checked at the door with your soggy wet clothes. Inside it’s warm and dry. We’re not here to judge how you feel or why you feel the way you do. So let it out. Write when you want to, support when you can and remember: you never know who might be helped by your words.

We’re none of us alone. It’s time to Band Back Together.

This was where I chose to share my feelings about hitting the one year mark away from husband because I knew that it would be OK just to be me. I knew that I could say, "You know this has really sucked at times" without someone stopping by and calling me a victim. I knew that other people considering leaving an abusive environment get tired of hearing, "Just leave" when it really isn't always that simple.

I am well aware that this type of writing just isn't what some of you do, but I also know there are quite a few of you out there who could really use this outlet and have valuable life experiences to share with others.

Think about it.

It's a good place!

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Thanksgiving Aunt Becky Style

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As most of you know, I was kind of dreading Thanksgiving - by far my favorite holiday. Plans to head east for a blogger-Thanksgiving fell through (on my end) and I started throwing myself a pity-party.

Early in the week, I became rather disgusted with my shitty attitude and decided to see if I could find somewhere to spend my Thanksgiving helping others. Apparently everyone else was thinking the same thing!

The United Way puts on a big Thanksgiving Community meal at a Cultural Center near (defined as less than a one-hour drive) Podunk. I called them to see if I could help out. They had all of the volunteers they needed, but if I wanted to drop off a pie ... uhhhh ... no ...

Next call was to the Salvation Army near Podunk. Again, they had all of the volunteers they needed for serving their Thanksgiving meal.

Defeated, I decided I'd cook the turkey for Cam and I and celebrate anyway, but then something magical (like unicorns and rainbows magical) happened ...

Y'all know Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka (NOT to be confused with Vodka Mom who may or may not have changed her blogger identity to ride the coattails of a more well-knows name), right? Well, she and The Daver (and Ben, and Alex and Amelia too) live about 45 minutes from me. I had made several attempts to meet up with her (i.e. said I'd head her way and never did), but social anxieties got the best of me ... until Thursday ...

I'm actually a little surprised she didn't ban me from the bright yellow house based solely on my level of flakiness in the past.

Seems our Aunt Becky and her family were going to be spending Thanksgiving alone, and I had a bacon wrapped turkey. Clearly this was a match made in heaven.


Late Thursday afternoon, me, my bacon wrapped turkey, the fixings for dinner (nothing says Thanksgiving like generic Stove Top Stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, jarred gravy and a can of jellied cranberry sauce) and my google maps route headed southeast (Cam spent the day with his girlfriend).

I knocked on the door and ... Ben answered (clearly our Aunt Becky sends her children to the front door as appetizers for any potential serial killers).

After drawing a quick flower on the Magna Doodle for Amelia, it was time to put together the rest of dinner ... and it was good!

We sat, ate our meal and gossiped about you, and you, and especially you. I also uncovered ALL of the secrets of becoming a famous blogger. You know ... all of those secrets that our Aunt Becky keeps to herself so she'll have no competition for readers? Mmmm Hmmm! It's amazing what you can get out of someone when you bribe them with a bacon wrapped turkey.

Dooce better watch her ass 'cause my blog should be going viral, just like a double rainbow, any minute now!

Now, I'm sure y'all are expecting pictures of our Aunt Becky, The Daver and their merry band of crotch parasites, but alas, there are none! Why??

Well ... SHHHHH! Don't tell anyone, but our Aunt Becky is really a man. That's right! And The Daver, Ben, Alex and Amelia?? Yeah ... she ... ummm ... HE gets them from Rent-A-Center whenever there is a need to prove mommy blogger status.

Ohhh the stories I could tell ...

Unfortunately for all of you, our Aunt Becky (Uncle Pervy) swore me to secrecy ...

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Brew-Ha-Ha

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Last week, there was a bit of a brew-ha-ha in my immediate blog-sphere. Surprisingly it wasn't me who initiated it this time (I was more like collateral damage) but it could have been me. In fact, it has been me in the past.

What happened? Well, Matt-Man had the audacity - as a non-New Yorker - to write a post about the Mosque at (near) Ground Zero. If that wasn't bad enough (because we all know New Yorkers have special privilege when it comes to being affected by 9-11, and Matt-Man is many things but he is not a New Yorker) he quoted a comment left by Karen, used it in a "less-than-flattering" manner ... and ... he didn't give her a heads up.

There was a time not so long ago when I would have said that Matt-Man exercised bad blogging manners ... and I'd have been wrong. *gasp*

What?? How can that be?? Well, I've written several posts where I have quoted and/or just plain "called out" other bloggers on their opinions and comments (HERE , HERE , HERE and HERE ... for starters). Some of these posts I gave the bloggers/commenters no warning. Some of them I gave a heads up and mentioned they would likely not agree with my opinions. I've used parts of posts/comments without referencing the writer. Hell, I've even offered to let bloggers/commenters READ THE POST before I publish it (they've always declined) and you know what? With very few exceptions (Jayman and Matt-Man come to mind), I've gotten the same response each and every time. Those I disagree with are PISSED.

See, this isn't about good blogging manners, it's about having a differing opinion. When I blog about the [ego-stroking adjective] post that [blogger name] wrote, I get nothing but appreciation and adoration. But have a differing opinion? And make it public? Then use the blogger/commenter's words as part of my argument? That will get one removed from the Christmas card list, unfollowed on twitter, blog removed from Reader AND unfriended on facebook.

What was my part in the Matt-Man/Karen brew-ha-ha? I didn't stick up for Karen. Her feelings were hurt. I get that, but I didn't feel what Matt-Man did was wrong and I agreed with his opinion. I don't think Karen's reaction to what Matt-Man wrote would have been any different had he sent her an email saying "I'm using your comment in a blog post tomorrow" (although she believes it would have). Experience tells me the reaction would have been the same - Karen would still have been PISSED.

Why? Because this is about people and how they react to opinions different than their own - especially when they are held accountable for their own opinions in a public forum.

Before anyone starts screaming "HYPOCRITE" at their computer monitor, yes, I have over-reacted to a blog post or two (or many) in the past. I will definitely probably do it again at some point in the future. What I hope I've learned though is that it is far better to reach out to the person behind the blog and ASK what their intention was rather than assuming it was meant to harm, belittle or embarrass in a public forum. Hopefully they'll have the gonads to be truthful in their response (not always the case).

You see, when all is said and done, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka sums it up quite well:

I don’t owe The Internet anything.

I can help my friends with whatever they need, but I don’t owe anybody anything. There’s a difference there, you see? It may be a fine line, but there is a line.

I would argue it's not really a fine line - that this particular line is drawn with a Sharpie Chisel Tip, not a 0.5mm Pentel P225.

I don't owe The Internet anything.

Better yet? The Internet doesn't owe me anything, and it's quite liberating to (finally) embrace that!

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A Shot of Mommy Wants Vodka

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I don't know how many of you read mommy bloggers. Quite frankly, I find most of them to be ... well ... dull. But there is one exception - Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka. Aunt Becky is actually my neighbor. Shush! 30 miles is still a neighbor when you live in the puckies! She's smart, she's funny and she is probably pretty pissed that I lumped her in with mommy bloggers even though she's what I consider an "altered" mommy blogger. Maybe it's the vodka?

So, she's been doing all sorts of cool stuff on the internets lately. In addition to her blog, she now has a group on Savvy Source (Aunt Becky's Band of Merry Pranksters). I've not had the best of luck with online mommy groups, primarily because they all want you to believe that they never force their kids to eat cold macaroni & cheese and hot dogs right out of the package for dinner. In other words, they all want you to believe they are perfect. Aunt Becky brings reality back to mommy-dom ... and I love her for it.

I'm babbling again, aren't I? Focus ... fucus ...

Aunt Becky is having this contest and one of the demands things that will get you an entry is completing her little personal interview. Although I'd love to win the $50 Amazon.com gift card, I'm actually doing the interview because her questions were friggin' hilarious. You don't believe me? Cross my heart, hope to die ... you know the rest ...

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1) Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it’s food of The Gods while I think it’s probably Of The Devil. Your take?

What's that you say? You think in order for cheese to qualify as food it must require refrigeration and have the ability to grow mold? Pfffttt! Cheese in a can is a delicacy and is best served on fried SPAM - especially if you use the decorative tip and make little cheese flowers.

2) Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS.

Ahhh John & Kate ...

I say we (well, not ME, but all of you wackos that watched the damn show) created this monster. Your punishment is to live with the elder Gosselin's until their children turn 18, or until you learn to turn off reality TV!

3) Who is your ridiculous “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush?

I am not one to have celebrity crushes. Hell, I can't even put a name to the face of most of today's celebrities. I'm lame like that. But I have ALWAYS had a thing for this man:

I wouldn't even tell him to pull his pants up. Instead, I'd just pull them the rest of the way down!

4) If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be?

OK ... I know this might surprise some of you, but I would be a long-haul truck driver. Seriously. And this has absolutely nothing to do with my other “I can’t admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life” crush Lisa on Ice Road Truckers. I had the dream first damn it!

Imagine ... me driving a semi, Cam riding shotgun. I could home school him at truck stops from coast to coast. Geography would be his specialty.

I'd even know enough about my truck that I could fix it myself rather than having to look all cute and everything, parked on the side of the road, hoping the "manly" truckers would stop and help me. And no! It has nothing to do with the fact that I couldn't look cute if I tried! And no! I'm not jealous bitter! *grumble*

5) They say “living well is the best revenge.” I think they are wrong. Do you?

I think it depends on how you define "living well." If that means heading down to the pawn shop to pick up a shotgun, then off to WalMart for some ammunition. Well? They might be right!

6) What is the most humiliation you’ve experienced in public that you’d be willing to admit to The Internet?

I've got 45 years of humiliation, most of which the internet already knows because that's how I play the blogging game.

There was the time I made a heart shaped cake for my parents on Valentine's Day and, due to limited decorating space, wrote "Happy VD" on the top.

Or the time we were on a family vacation, traveling through the Grand Canyon making a stop at a crowded observation point and when I got out of the truck I announced (very loudly), "It's so hot I could ejaculate!"

Or maybe you find poop funny? Growing up in the Seattle area it wasn't unusual to find myself at the waterfront. One particular time when my mom and I were out and about a seagull took a dump on my head. My mother - the compassionate woman that she is - pointed at me and through uncontrollable laughter said, "I always knew you were a shit head!"

Is it any wonder I grew up into the fabulous person I am today??

7) Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh)(I’m coming over, yo)(heh) would I be surprised at who I found?

As you know, you *could* come over tonight being that we are neighbors and all, and you would find EXACTLY what you'd expect to find - I know that might terrify disappoint you!

8 ) If you could have one talent that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?

I'd like the talent of enjoying exercise. It has to be a talent, right?? I mean I've never seen a marathon runner with a smile on their face until after the race is over! That right there is talent!

9) There’s not always room for Jello. Is there?

Only if it's in a kiddie pool with half-nekkid women ... or in a shot glass!

10) What’s your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures?

Sushi. I know ... I know ... not very extravagant, but I love sushi and since I can't convince Cam that raw fish is a good thing, it's an event that allows me to go all by myself, drink Japanese beer, and fill up to the gills with raw fish! Nom - nom - nom!

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