10 Things Thursday (Late Edition)

1. I am a bit of a Pinterest slut. I go on pinning binges, then leave her (yes ... Pinterest is definitely female) high and dry for weeks without letting her know why. Then when I need more of her, I just show up and use her until I'm satisfied. Anyway, THIS is one of the projects that I recently pinned and will likely NEVER be done.
2. Speaking of binges, this happened yesterday. It's the Seattle skyline with the exact longitude and latitude of my childhood home. I've gotten three tattoos in 7 months. It's probably time to stop for a while or get an intervention.
   
3. Did you know that in Japan, many hot springs, public pools, sports clubs and hotels will not allow guests with tattoos? It's true! I read it on the internet. Actually, I did fact check that before posting it. So, if you have tattoos, are visiting Japan, and have a burning desire to go to a public pool, here's a list of tattoo friendly spots.
4. I loved reading I Will Never be a Well-Behaved Woman written by Janne Robinson. It is filled with morsels of wisdom like, "I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church." It was posted on the ElephantJournal - a must-read for me now.
5. If I was willing to shovel snow and freeze my ass off for long periods of the year, I might actually consider moving to Vermont where the Governor recently signed a bill into law that pays newcomers a $10,000 grant as a reward for moving to Vermont and working remotely for an out-of-state employer. If it were $25,000? I'd freeze my ass off all year!
6. Planning a staycation? Here's a list of the best (and worst) cities for a staycations. I guess I'm on a permanent staycation - Las Vegas is number seven.
7. I am quite the sports fan - I even listen to a significant amount of sports talk radio - so the (FAKE NEWS) story that Fox reported implying the Eagles knelt during the national anthem was a major topic of discussion this week. I am still amazed that 45 *using his name makes me throw up a little in my mouth* believes Fox News is the only news that isn't fake!
   
8. The resulting responses from Philly players and Mayor kept me entertained for hours.
9. So the Miss America pageant is scrapping it's swimsuit competition and claims they, "... will no longer judge our candidates on their outward physical appearance." I call BULLSHIT! Let me know when a 5'-6" overweight (and not 5 pounds overweight) woman is crowned Miss America. Then I'll admit I was wrong.
10. Hey Mike! Did you notice there was no Vanessa Marin content this week?? I'll get back on that next week *wink*

10 Things Thursday

1. This may have happened yesterday. Funny story - my dad HATED the fact that I had tattoos - only sluts had tattoos (and pierced ears) - so what did I do with what little $$$ was left over after the cremation/travel expenses? YEP! It's a memorial tattoo for my dad. For anyone who is curious, the mermaid is a symbol of elusiveness, wildness, freedom - legend points to mermaids being able to see clear to the core of a human - and the swallow is known to come down and lift souls to the heavens.
   
2. Apparently the new cooking method is sheet pan dinners. You throw everything on a sheet pan, put it in the oven, and serve it when it's done. I'm not going to lie - these 23 High-Protein Sheet Pan Dinners look pretty damn amazing.
3. As I've always suspected, Your success isn’t down to free will – luck determines everything. It's why one of my favorite sayings is, "I'd rather be lucky than good." 
4.                                                                                                                                        
5. And ... ummmmm ... if you have a craving?
   
6. Did you know you can get Amazon packages delivered to your car? As long as you own a Chevrolet, Buick, GMC or Cadillac from 2015 or later, have an active OnStar account, and live in one of the 37 states that offer the service, you're good!
7. Can we talk about Melania Trump's "Be Best" campaign? On second thought? Let's not ...
8. I need this. My birthday is in July ... just sayin'
   
9. In case you are wanting to know if you are normal? The most popular spot for sex outside of the bedroom? Family/Living room. Personally? I want to meet those front yard people!!
10. And because ... LAS VEGAS ... we are attempting to set a record for the world's biggest orgy.  I'm thinking June 2nd might be booked for me *wink* 

10 Things Thursday

It's been a strange week, so this will likely be a strange post ... 

but maybe that's not so out of sorts for me *gigglesnort*

~*~

1. I got a text from my ex-husband Monday night. He wanted to let me know that he had to have Gizmo (our "family" cat) put down (kidney failure).
   

   

   Gizmo

   It has been years since I've seen Gizmo, but I cried more after his text than I did when I got the phone call that my dad had died, and I feel a wee bit guilty about that.
2. Cam went to Hill Air Force Base this past weekend to visit one of his friends. I'm not going to lie, it was WONDERFUL to have the house to myself for four days. Also? I'm hoping he was inspired - I'd love for him to enlist in the military!
3. I generally don't get trends - I'm not one who usually follows the crowd -and this new Instagram trend of taking floral-backdrop selfies at the craft-store? Really? This is why I don't do trends.
4. Speaking of crafts, I've been feeling really crafty lately. I even dug out my art supplies and did some painting and drawing. I'm thinking I may have to try this Watercolor Rubber Stamp Calligraphy project soon, because ... PRETTY!!
   
   
   
       
5. I found this fabulous Printable Art Collection library at Remodelaholic that has given me tons of inspiration as well. I don't know that I would actually print them out and hang them on my walls as is, but they sure do give me ideas.
6. Lifehacker has been doing a Work From Home series this week. Although some of the articles really don't apply to me as I'm not a freelancer, overall, I've been impressed with the series - especially the Why I Work at Bars Instead of Coffee Shops piece.
7. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, having Cam living with me - and not living with Mike (who loved to cook) - I've been doing a lot more cooking lately. I'm always on the lookout for budget friendly ideas, and came across a similar service to eMeals called $5 Meal Plan. Although I've been fairly happy with the budget eMeals recipes, there are usually several that are meatless, and meatless is not an option in this house. I just signed up for the 14-day trial of $5 Meal Plan to see if maybe I can pick and choose from both plans to put together a menu for a full week that has food Cam will actually eat.
8. If you are someone who believes those people are just lazy and taking advantage of government programs (and even if you aren't), read this New York Times article Homelessness, Step by Step. Not only does it address that social service agencies are terribly difficult to navigate, it puts real faces on those people. *HINT* they look like your nextdoor neighbors. 
9. I think I'll buy this Italian villa that was featured in Call Me By Your Name (which I had to google because I had no idea that it was a movie) with my retirement savings ... or maybe just a brick from the Italian villa because that's about the size of my retirement savings.
10. This happened on my left shoulder/arm on Friday. It reads:

May I grow so tall and bright

So free and wild, so brave and vibrant

That when you see me standing

You think I am a sunflower

Anxiety is a Bitch!

~*~*~

There! I said it, but it might surprise you to learn just how much anxiety has taken over basic functional parts of my life.

The new ink? There are two stories behind the ink, one of letting go (to be told on Band Back Together) and one of overwhelming anxiety - anxiety that, if it hadn't been for the insight of Aunt Becky, would have kept me from getting to letting go.


The trip with Aunt Becky to The Tattoo Factory had been planned for a while. I was her support, but I had ulterior motives. I knew I was ready to have some ink done. I picked out the Tolkien quote quite some time ago. I decided that I didn't want a flagrant ink memorial to Alan, but rather something subtle - something that wouldn't SCREAM, "Ask me about this important person in my life who died!" yet would still have significant meaning to me.

I don't want to tell Alan's story to strangers - I ... I just don't.

We got to The Tattoo Factory and I started to lose it the minute we walked through the door. I had my printed out Tolkien quote with me - there was clearly an artist who had the time to do it - and I could NOT walk to the counter to speak with him. My ass was firmly cemented to the wooden bench by the window.

My heart was pounding.

My hands were shaking.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about walking up to that counter.

It wasn't the ink I was anxious about. I wanted the ink. I was ready for the ink. I could not get past walking up to that counter and talking to a ... a stranger ... and I cannot give you a single logical reason for that very overwhelming physical reaction to such a non-threatening situation.

I can tell you that I deal with anxiety multiple times, every day. Sometimes it's a phone call. Sometimes it's placing an order at McDonald's. 9 times out of 10, I am able to get past the moment where the anxiety becomes debilitating. This day I was not.

Aunt Becky's artist called her back. As it turned out, Aunt Becky hadn't prepared well for this visit (imagine that - *giggle*). Although her "Shut Your Whore Mouth" t-shirt was appreciated by the staff at the shop, it made inking her impossible. I offered to run to Target and pick her up a more "ink appropriate" garment.

It gave me an excuse to flee the anxiety.

A chance to breathe.

An opportunity to slow my heart rate.

When I got back to the shop, Aunt Becky had taken it upon herself to talk to Phil about my ink - giving him the printed out Tolkien quote so that he could work up a drawing for me.

She knew.

She's been there.

Getting inked is cathartic for me. The discomfort of the pain takes me to a place where all outside stimuli is muted. I crawl into the very dark crevices of my emotional self and I feel - I really feel - something I don't allow myself to do very often.

That day? I felt the joy of having a friend who not only likes me, but has many shared life experiences and has developed a keen sense of empathy, and I felt the relief of being able to trust a friend enough to tell her the truth, even though I knew how irrational my truth was at that moment.

It was a good day ...

~*~*~

HNT - Tolkien

~*~*~

"All that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost ..."
~ J.R.R. Tolkien


*CLICK (NSFW)*

I got new ink Tuesday. This has been a long time coming, but I finally knew what needed to be done, and it wasn't what I thought needed to be done. In addition to the Tolkien quote, I also had Alan's rose touched up and recolored (you can read the story [HERE]. It was time to move forward - to accept that even the most beautiful moments in life can have a painful thorn ...

~*~*~

Invisible Ink

~*~*~

I was supposed to be on a vacation day today. I had big plans. I was scheduled to head in to the city to get the tattoo I talked about in THIS POST. The vacation day was approved. The preliminary art work was emailed to me.

I canceled the appointment early this morning.

There were a few things that factored into this decision. Timing (things are extremely hectic at work with two audits on the table, and I am currently behind on work completion expectations) and money (I had a bit of a financial glitch this month thanks to the Social Security Administration) were certainly concerns, but more than that, I wasn't ready emotionally.

Every single time I come face-to-face with Alan's suicide, some other unresolved issue slaps me right up along side the head. I think I'm in a good place with it - I've moved beyond the stigma and the grief - then WHOMP!

I asked the artist for a yellow ribbon (the Suicide Prevention variety) as part of Alan's name - his birth and death dates - and some of her AMAZING Mehndi style artwork to fill in the gaps.

She gave me EXACTLY what I asked for.

What could possibly be the problem?

I knew this ink would elicit questions, most often from strangers. Who is Alan? How did he die?

I should be an ambassador for suicide prevention. I should be willing and able to share my story, even with strangers. You'd think after 20 fucking years it would be like reciting my grocery list.

But it isn't.

Yes, I've shared the story on this blog, but I can still count - on one hand - the number of people I've looked in the eye and spoken to about it. And I still have fingers left on that hand for counting.

I should be stronger, braver, more willing to share.

But I'm not.

~*~*~

Friday Wrap-Up

~*~*~

The visit to Cam's new school went well. He was somewhat engaged in the conversation (think typical teen) and actually seemed to enjoy the tour. I felt much better after seeing the school, talking to the staff and watching Cam show interest as we did our walk through and met his teachers.

I did talk to the vice principal about Cam's musical interests and asked if there are any options to help keep him active with music. She is contacting some of the community bands in the area to see if there is a place for Cam. *fingers crossed*

There were some other surprises too, like learning that there is a Therapeutic Day School Sports League - flag football, basketball and volleyball are all played in the league. The school provides all lunches and school supplies, which will help out tremendously from a financial standpoint.

I am feeling hopeful, and hopeful is good ... I think!

~*~

I have to reschedule my tattoo appointment. Someone please tell me how in the hell I can schedule an appointment - 12 weeks in advance ('cause she's that busy) - then a month later find out I have a court date ON THE VERY SAME DAY.

I'm trying to convince myself this is just an odd coincidence and not some sign from the ink Gods that I should refrain from more body art.

~*~

I don't understand some people (like that's a news flash). I've got a whole post planned on this topic for next week (thanks Mike) but really? Some times I think it's much better that I NOT understand them. I'm just a wee bit afraid of what understanding them means.

~*~

Remember the Listen to the Mustn'ts post I did over at Lynn's place? If you didn't read that post, shame on you! That aside, I talked about submitting a photograph for juried review and (hopefully) public display. I heard back earlier in the week - my photo was selected for display!

I am thrilled, but now have kind of a secondary challenge - I need to print and frame the photo. Do any of you have suggestions on where to have this done ... on a budget? I've looked at a few photo printing sites and it seems I am going to have one problem - size. This is a SQUARE photo and yet it seems digital prints are in traditional photo sizes (4x6, 8x10, etc). Ideas anyone?

~*~*~

A Rose and a Yellow Ribbon

~*~*~

Those of you who have been reading me for some time are aware of the "history" behind my tattoos, specifically the history behind the rose on my right breast, but I'm going to give you the Reader's Digest condensed version of the story once again anyway.

My second husband, Alan, whom I married in September of 1989, used to give me "Thursday Presents." It was a relationship tradition passed on to him from his father. Each Thursday, throughout our relationship, he would give me a present. Most often it was something small; cooking dinner and cleaning up afterward, a handful of wildflowers picked from the side of the road, a bag full of prizes from a 25-cent vending machine. One time it was my rose tattoo.

On January 16th, 1990, Alan's pain exceeded his coping skills and he decided a 22-caliber pistol to his head was his only solution (if you want to read the entire story you can find it [HERE]). On January 18th, 1990, I made the decision to take the shell of what was left of the man I loved off of life support. He died quickly and peacefully, and my life was forever changed.

I've gotten several tattoos since then - all on my back. I've never had Alan's rose touched up nor altered in any way. I was sacred. After 20+ years, it no longer exhibits the glory that it once did, but changing it in any way seemed ... well ... like I wasn't honoring Alan's memory.

But now, I'm having a change of heart. I am starting to see my need to hold on to "what was" as detrimental. OK ... so it took 20 years, but grief is an odd creature - holding on to some of us much longer than others.

It was just recently that I realized that I forgave Alan years ago, but I never forgave myself. You see, some (large) part of me feels a great deal of responsibility for his suicide. Logically, I know this isn't true, but I've been stuck in fear for so long - fear that if I ever let my guard down with a loved one again, this will be the result - that it became comfortable just not to love.

It's time to let go and move forward. I'm thinking that a physical symbol of that change will go a long way in healing that 20 year old gaping wound.

I'm considering trying to integrate the rose with something like this (and for all of you smart-asses, I'll use Alan's name rather than "Mom"):


... but instead of the pink ribbon, I want to use this yellow, suicide prevention ribbon used by YellowRibbon.org


Since moving out of "Satan's Lair" I've had plenty of time to keep my brain occupied - to sort through those things that brought me to where I am today - and it was somewhat disturbing to realize that my emotional growth really STOPPED on that January 16th, 20 years ago. It's time to grow-up ...

Anyone know of a great tattoo artist? And who wants to come with me when I get this done??

~*~*~