~*~*~
I was supposed to be on a vacation day today. I had big plans. I was scheduled to head in to the city to get the tattoo I talked about in THIS POST. The vacation day was approved. The preliminary art work was emailed to me.
I canceled the appointment early this morning.
There were a few things that factored into this decision. Timing (things are extremely hectic at work with two audits on the table, and I am currently behind on work completion expectations) and money (I had a bit of a financial glitch this month thanks to the Social Security Administration) were certainly concerns, but more than that, I wasn't ready emotionally.
Every single time I come face-to-face with Alan's suicide, some other unresolved issue slaps me right up along side the head. I think I'm in a good place with it - I've moved beyond the stigma and the grief - then WHOMP!
I asked the artist for a yellow ribbon (the Suicide Prevention variety) as part of Alan's name - his birth and death dates - and some of her AMAZING Mehndi style artwork to fill in the gaps.
She gave me EXACTLY what I asked for.
What could possibly be the problem?
I knew this ink would elicit questions, most often from strangers. Who is Alan? How did he die?
I should be an ambassador for suicide prevention. I should be willing and able to share my story, even with strangers. You'd think after 20 fucking years it would be like reciting my grocery list.
But it isn't.
Yes, I've shared the story on this blog, but I can still count - on one hand - the number of people I've looked in the eye and spoken to about it. And I still have fingers left on that hand for counting.
I should be stronger, braver, more willing to share.
But I'm not.
I was supposed to be on a vacation day today. I had big plans. I was scheduled to head in to the city to get the tattoo I talked about in THIS POST. The vacation day was approved. The preliminary art work was emailed to me.
I canceled the appointment early this morning.
There were a few things that factored into this decision. Timing (things are extremely hectic at work with two audits on the table, and I am currently behind on work completion expectations) and money (I had a bit of a financial glitch this month thanks to the Social Security Administration) were certainly concerns, but more than that, I wasn't ready emotionally.
Every single time I come face-to-face with Alan's suicide, some other unresolved issue slaps me right up along side the head. I think I'm in a good place with it - I've moved beyond the stigma and the grief - then WHOMP!
I asked the artist for a yellow ribbon (the Suicide Prevention variety) as part of Alan's name - his birth and death dates - and some of her AMAZING Mehndi style artwork to fill in the gaps.
She gave me EXACTLY what I asked for.
What could possibly be the problem?
I knew this ink would elicit questions, most often from strangers. Who is Alan? How did he die?
I should be an ambassador for suicide prevention. I should be willing and able to share my story, even with strangers. You'd think after 20 fucking years it would be like reciting my grocery list.
But it isn't.
Yes, I've shared the story on this blog, but I can still count - on one hand - the number of people I've looked in the eye and spoken to about it. And I still have fingers left on that hand for counting.
I should be stronger, braver, more willing to share.
But I'm not.
~*~*~
13 comments:
*hugs* I know the feeling. I know my wounds are much fresher than yours, but I think I understand what you mean. The question I fear most is, "How many children do you have?"
I have at least three tattoos I want to have done to memorialize Moo and D'oh, but I don't think I'm ready for them just yet. I'm still at the pretending it didn't happen stage.
I love that tat design. When you are ready, if you are ready, you will know. It is hard experience and the fact that you have come so far, is amazing. Don't sell yourself short.
boo, you, probably more than anyone, understand. When people ask how many times I've been married I lie - to this day - and feel great remorse for not acknowledging my marriage to Alan. It's just easier - for me and for everyone who asks - yet I know in my heart how wrong that answer is.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} right back at you!
Karen, it is a BEAUTIFUL design and almost as if she crawled into my imagination and snatched it right out. Come so far? Ehhh ... more often than not I feel very stuck in that moment of time - almost as if my emotional maturing STOPPED on that day when I was 25.
I agree with Karen, don't sell yourself short. Give yourself credit for how far you have come. I know that is easier said than done. We are all our own worst critics and can't see all the wonderful qualites we have, we focus on not being, for lack of a better word, "perfect". It's a horrible way to feel and live.
There is no expiration date on grief. Cheers Dana!!
Oh my goodness, that is such a beautiful tattoo.
It will still be beautiful when you are ready for it to be on your skin.
((you))
Wow. That's a beautiful design. Where are you planning to put it? If it isn't someplace constantly visable to everyone you see you wont need to worry about it as much. Also, remember it's your choice to say as little or as much as you want in response to questions. Most people will catch on pretty quickly if you don't want to talk about it. It really is a beautiful piece of art you commissioned.
That's a great tattoo design. One of a kind & very tasteful.
The thing about opening up and sharing our stories is that every time we share a story, the events become real again - and that can hurt. On the other hand, every time we share that story, we get to let go of a little of the grief & pain too.
Matt's point is excellent - but there are folks willing to share the load too.
The design is beautiful...when you are truly ready, you will proceed. I presume it would be in a place where people could see it everyday.
Money is always a situation changer. In whatever direction.
Dana,
The design is beautiful, but really you honor Alan's memory every day you are alive and every time you do something brave.
The fact that you share your story online on a blog with a face picture and your name is being public.
I am proud of you and what you have done, and if you believe in the whole people in heaven looking down on you concept, then Alan is too.
Hugs to you.
It is going to be beautiful! But like they have said, when you are ready, you are ready.
My son has two tatoo's that mark the death of two people he loved very much. When he was 18 his step-brother killed himself. This past February, his best friend died in a senseless automobile accident. The tatoos are beautiful and are a wonderful tribute to the love he had for those boys.
I'm always bothered by the word "Should." Just because you had this horrible experience does not obligate you to anyone or anything. How could it ever become easy? Oh, btw, you ARE brave and strong.
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